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Sigir
member
Is this a victory or a loss?
Sigir
member
I am so happy to have all of your support to get input on these things- thank you so much! So, what do you all think- is this a victory or a loss? Should I be proud of myself because maybe I have taken a step forward, or is this a step back?
Well, Monday was the deadline to sign dc up for 2012-2013 work related child care. I alerted exh at least twice and at one point said if I did not hear back by a certain date I was signing dc up. I did hear back, just more of his delay tactics and unrealistic propositions (school change, custody change, etc.) and no reasonable alternatives.
So anyway, I did sign dc up on Monday. The emails between exh and I continued, but I did not specifically tell him I signed dc up because I did not want this to continue to escalate, and I figured if I lose in court I will just eat the deposit- at least dc's spot is held. So today I had to talk on the phone w exh because of some horrible things going on in dc's school- there was no choice but to talk on phone. So exh asked me if I signed up dc for the program in my town.
I felt like it was a flashback to him getting angry in our marriage. So first I tried to deflect and say I would be responding to him on email. He would not accept that and kept asking. I was scared, honestly. It is not rational but that is how I felt. So I said, no I did not. I lied. ugh! But then I said, listen, I find your emails about this matter intimidating and harassment and I am feeling very intimidated during this conversation. He kept trying to interrupt but I kept saying 'let me finish'. So I said, I am sorry, I lied because I was scared based off the intimidation I have been feeling. I am being honest with you now and yes, I signed dc up on the deadline day, this past Monday. Please feel free to check with the program to confirm.
I then reinforced what I have been saying in my emails, that he knew the deadline, that I provided the only alternative with transportation to dc's school, and that he did not provide any viable alternatives. He kept trying to talk over me at this point.
He asked me 'so you did sign dc up'. I said yes and he hung up on me. I then documented this in an email to him, everything I said over the phone (that the emails have been harassment and intimidating, that I was evasive because I felt intimidated, but then I was honest and told him that I enrolled dc on Monday, and the reasons why).
So be honest, was this a step forward or a step back? Exh has always said I am a liar during our divorce so I know he is going to try to play this up bigtime. Hopefully I recovered by being immediately honest and explaining why I lied, and that is the truth. But what will the courts think, that I lied? How do you all think I handled it?
I am waiting to hear back from lawyer. I can not wait until the next motion is filed because I think that is the only thing I can do to stop this craziness. I am just so mad at myself for slipping back into that old pattern and lying. I hope how I handled it after that was enough to recover from it.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Is this a victory or a loss?
I think this is a great idea. Sounds like he did some major breaking you down. Time to build yourself back up!
Were you perfect? No, but you did as best you could. That is all that you can ask of yourself. You can get better every time (I don't think you were so bad, but obviously you don't feel your phone discussion was optimal!).
I agree that you don't have to stay on the line just b/c your exH wants to talk. You don't owe him anything. Remember that!
I agree. You've been emailing him, so that's the recorded conversation. Let him talk about how you've lied all the time. The emails show a different story.
I am like you (though luckily I don't talk to my ex). I might have responded the same way. I am also working on sticking up for myself, and have been pretty successful for the most part. So successful actually, that MIL no longer speaks to me, but I didn't need her stress to begin with.
GL!
ETA: I also did therapy for a while, and it really helped. These days, I tell people that what they've done/are doing upsets me instead of keeping it all in. It's been a rocky road, but very satisfying when I see my progress.
Huge step forward and well done you.
You stood up to a bully in the best interest of yourself and your child.
Rome was not built in a day, it was built brick by brick.
Baby steps forward and I predict that in a year or so this man won't be able to intimidate you any more.
So you didn't handle the conversation perfect. I challenge anyone on this board to raise their hand if they walk away from conversations with their ex feeling like they handled it perfectly.
You handled it as best you could and all you should ever expect of yourself is your best.
Pat on the back from me to you!
and a hug because bullies are fricking scary!!!
This. I wish there was a "Like" button.
Thanks so much to everyone for their support and input on this thread. it has been really helpful. Since yesterday there have been some crazy emails that I have just responded to with facts. Now it has been quiet which makes me nervous but oh well.
I agree so much with you Phantomgirl and always try to say "Progress, not perfection!" I know that is what I would say to a friend, if she was telling me this story! And it was progress, maybe not as much as I would have liked, but progress nonetheless. I have to be less hard on myself and just make sure I am continuing to take steps forward.
Thanks again everyone for your input and advice- you are the best!