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Working Moms
megs68
member
Do you think one spouse's career has to come first?
megs68
member
in Working Moms
DH and I make comparable incomes currently but are struggling with division of family responsibility. We are both in highly demanding jobs and don't have family around to help out. There are nights or weekends where we both have to work (and don't have the flexibility to pick and choose when) and these will only increase as we're continuing to climb the corporate ladder. I'm wondering if we're reaching a point in our careers where one of us has to take a step back and let the other's career become the main one.
Have you found this to be the case in your marriage or how have you made it work so that both of you aren't paying the price at work but are still juggling the kids?
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Re: Do you think one spouse's career has to come first?
I think it is true in the sense that both parents cannot work 60+ hours per week and have a happy healthy family.
In our family we did this for 4+ years and we all suffered. I have made the decision to excel at my job but to only work part time. Fortunately, after the past 4 years this is now an option to me. I don't really feel like my spouse's career is coming first. I felt like the decision helped us all put our family first.
I think each family has to find a situation that is workable for all involved--and for each family, that is different.
I have friends who, along with their husbands, travel and work 60-hour weeks. They all have nannies (even with school-aged children) to ensure they have child care coverage as needed.
I have friends who work different shifts from their spouses, so that the only child care required is regular school after care.
I work long hours and travel, but I have flexibility to work from home if needed (or even just wanted, like today--I get lots done here and enjoy that solitude). DH is a teacher, so he has NO flexibility (has to punch in by 7:45) but gets home relatively early and has a predictable schedule (while mine is client-driven and not). Both of us work from home after the kids go to bed when needed. I make twice as much money, but he does homework and holds down the fort when I travel.
It's all about how you prioritize. And as the kids grow, the priorities may shift.
I am sort of like the pp.
My husband has a law degree and is an attorney and will always make more then me (plus he currently holds the health insurance). I still work, b/c we have a lot of loans/bills and our mortgage which we are paying. I also like to work (although, I wish I could work PT). I am also the one who will stay home when DD is sick, take her to appointments, pick her up early if need be, etc.
I think in our family, it was never a question of who had to put their career second and honestly, I am ok with being the one to do so.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
We are also hitting this point (or have hit it already) in our family. Both DH and I ended up getting promotions into new jobs when DD was about 7 mos old; I hesitated on taking my position because DH had already accepted his and I knew both of our new jobs would require longer hours. I accepted the new job anyway and it was a disaster. I quit after 4 months, due to our house being a wreck, getting behind on bills, never seeing DD, etc. It had a serious negative effect on my family.
I have since decided to get back into the workforce, in a less demanding field, and just went for on a couple of interviews. As luck would have it, DH has been head-hunted and it looks like he may have another job offer coming in the next few weeks: more pay but more time away from home. We are now facing another big decision: he takes the promotion and I will stay at home with DD, he takes the promotion and I continue to look for employment (maybe PT instead of FT), or he passes on the promotion so that I can work more easily. It doesn't make any sense for him to pass on a promotion, so it is really coming down to what I am going to do with my career. Having been through it once, I feel like there is not an easy and/or realistic way that both spouses can pursue their careers equally, at the same time, when there are kids in the picture. I am having a hard time putting my career on the back burner, even though I know it will only be temporary. I am trying to think of it as a choice to do what will work for my family, or as my DH said yesterday, "If I take this promotion, I can contribute the money to our family, but I won't be able to contribute a lot of time; if you decide to stay home, you will contribute a lot of time to our family, our house, and most importantly, our daughter, which is just as important as bringing in money." I'm still envious that his career is taking off while I'm watching mine slow way, way down, but that is just the path we are on right now.
On a side note, I'm thinking of pursuing my own business so that I can work it around DH's/DD's schedules.
We are (and have been) struggling with this.
While DH does make more than me, its not much and he is salary. However, he is required to be on call 24/7/365 if there is an emergency. Its not every day or week, but he'll need to go in on his day off or stay late/overnight. When this happens, there's no cutting out early another day to make up for it either. So if I am at work, I have to drop everything and go (unless my mom is available and she is a godsend because usually she is!). I thankfully have some flexability at my job so its not too big of an issue.
As for daycare and such, we assume I handle pick up/drop off and leave it at that because of this. And I am the first to leave work for sick kid, doctor appointment etc.
So while my job sort of comes second, its only because I can do that, still get my job done and keep my boss happy.
Mine tends to come second based on the nature of DH's job. He runs a lot of meetings and conference calls with coworkers and suppliers that can be hard, if not impossible, to reschedule. So if DD gets sick on one of those days I'm the one to stay home.
My coworker can cover all of my duties since we have the same role on the same team so it keeps my boss happy. It doesn't bother me at all that I tend to stay home more with DD than DH does.
Yes, this is exactly what we're going through. DH got a new job much further away right when DD was born and now I've been offered a promotion. I am struggling with whether this is something our family can handle, since I, by location, need to be the one doing most of the childcare pickup, dropoff, dinners, etc. But this promotion would require even more work commitment and it isn't fair to me/my company to take on additional responsibilities when I also have to meet these childcare responsibilities. I am afraid our family might end up in the same boat as yours did but I also find it hard to turn down an amazing promotion.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
You can hire people to watch your kids at night or on the weekends if you both value your careers - people do that all the time. If you feel as though one of you needs to be there, then one of you may have to make career sacrifices.
My husband and I have both managed to find jobs where we can do work from home or schedule ourselves around each other so neither of us has had to sacrifice.
I think a lot of it depends on the type of careers. In a situation like yours I think that eventually yes, one of you will need to back off a little if you remain on a equal course with promotions and extra responsibilities. It's not fair but everything is a trade off so while yes, you can hire people to watch your children, most parents would prefer that at least one parent be home in the evening, on weekends, etc. with the kids.
For us this issue has been a struggle. I am set in my career and am in line for my boss' job once she retires. My husband, who just finished his PhD has been looking for a job as a college professor and since those jobs are few and far between he's been looking all over the country. Of course, my job doesn't just move to another city, and we can't live without my income so in our situation I often times feel as though my job does come first. But, it's hard when you have a job you love and you want your husband to have a job he loves.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
In short, maybe. It's a decision you need to make based on what works for your family. In our situation, we've both continued to climb the ladder even with kids and it works out fine for us, but it's because DH's job doesn't require OT or travel. I tend to work longer hours and travel at least once a month. In our situation, if we both had crazy demanding jobs, then one of us probably would take the backseat for a while...and currently, it would likely be DH because I have more potential for movement and already make 50% more than he does. However, if DH felt strongly about needing to take a more demanding position, we'd make it work so that we could both maintain our jobs or I'd take the backseat, depending on the specifics of the situation.
We seem to take turns. Over time one of us has made a career move while the other has been at a job that they are content and settled in and it has helped to not upset the apple cart too much. DH WAH now, so it's not as much an issue. But, I still deal with him working late into the night vs. spending time with the family. Although he is around now to help with mornings and get dinner started. We plan things on each other's outlook calendars so that we don't have many conflicts. And, I will sometimes continue to work on items at home after the kids are in bed if I need to.
The couples I know that both have high demand, inflexible jobs have live in help so that they can meet the demands of their jobs. this allows them to have care when their kids get sick or if they both need to stay late at work. It also provides a little extra support at home. Is that an option for you?
In our case the answer is yes. We both had demanding jobs when we had DS#1, and we were both able to continue with that (with some compromises), but when DS#2 came along the wheels fell off the bus. I chose to get off the fast track and I changed positions within my company that was more flexible and less demanding, but really didn't have much chance of upward mobility. I don't see how I could get back on the fast track until the kids are all older and in school. DH started and runs a company so didn't really have the option of stepping back (though he has made changes to be more available).
I can't say it hasn't been hard on my ego but we didn't want to hire nannies (nothing wrong with it..just our personal choice) so something had to give. Frankly, I wish I could give the person who decided it was a good idea to tell your daughters "you can have it all" the bird as I think it sets false expectations.
This. It is really up to you to determine how you want to do things. I know of families with two really high powered, successful parents. And they have multiple nannies. Would I want to do it this way? No, but if I really really loved my job, I might feel differently. So in general, we have let DH's career come first because he really wants it more than I do.
That is why I prefer "you can do anything, you just can't do everything."
I hemmed and hawed for a month on taking the promotion, worrying that I wouldn't be able to keep up with work and family. As I said, I ended up taking the job and it was a mistake. To be fair, we also have a farm to take care of, so it isn't just DH and DD that need attention! DD started sleeping horribly shortly after my schedule turned into 55-60 hr/weeks. It could have been coincidental, but it lasted for the time I was in that job and while it didn't cease entirely, her sleep patterns got much better the first week after I had quit.
I should add to my first post that I think it depends on what kind of salaries you/your spouse are bringing in to determine if one's career has to take a backseat to the other. My cousin and her husband each make 6 figures in their respective jobs; even when I'm working FT, DH and I don't bring in 6 figures together! My cousin is able to afford a daycare center that has the hours that she needs, a nanny for before/after daycare hours and sick days, as well as a housecleaner, dog walker, etc. so that neither of them have to give up time/promotions at work. One of the main reasons we are looking at me staying home is that when we figure expenses for childcare and commute, I'll end up working for around $4/hr due to the rate of pay. Not to mention that when DD gets sick, or has appointments, it'll be me that has to take time off of work since DH doesn't have that option easily and we couldn't afford a nanny for those types of things even if we wanted to go that route.
Wow. I feel really lucky reading all of the responses. Basically, DH's job has been a blessing. We're both professionals but both have found positions that are about 8-5ish, at least in the office. DH generally doesn't have to do any work at home, except rarely. I SHOULD do work from home, and eventually will, but really haven't recently. We both intentionally keep travel to a minimum (2-4x/year).
I sometimes stay home if DD is sick but if I have patients scheduled, that becomes harder. However, we call a relative or use 'Parents in a Pinch'. It's expensive ($20/hr), but they'll have someone to your home within 2 hours to care for a sick kid or if childcare falls through. DD is also in daycare 50 hrs/wk and has been since she was 12 weeks old (more hours than just about any kid there). We're trying to live as close as possible to work so we don't lose time commuting.
We've made the decision for now that given how 'family friendly' DH's job is, that I will limit my employment searches to our local area and would make career sacrifices, if needed, if my local options became limited (but so far it hasn't been needed, but I acknowledge it could be). If DH were to lose his position, and I was unhappy in mine, we'd probably look for a location that suited both of us, but my career would at least be equally important. If I lose my position totally, I don't know what happens.
We'll see when we have 2 kids. We've been told by family member that 2 professional families are impossible w/o extra help. We may need to hire someone to help us in the am or pm or do daycare pickups for us. DH isn't a fan of nannies so far, so that hasn't been on the table. We toyed with hiring a cook but for now we get by on frozen meals.
So right now, neither career is the 'main' one. Neither of us works as hard as we would w/o kids but we've been incredibly lucky (and know it) that neither of us has had to make a huge sacrifice so far. I worry all the time that it will all come crashing down and just hope that things will last until we have more flexibility with school aged kids (and can all sit around the kitchen table and do our 'homework' together.)
In our house, my career has and will always come first. DH and I make about the same amount of money, but it seems as though there are always rumors being spread around his workplace that they are going to be cutting positions, etc. DH is pretty low on the totem pole, so would be one of the first ones to be let go. He went to college for 3 years, and changed his major 3 times, so he doesn't have a degree and has a hodgepodge of college credits, so not even close to obtaining one. He got his current job about 6 years ago and has climbed his way to a supervisor role based on skills and work ethic, but has almost no seniority in the aspect of years of service.
We have already said that if he were to ever lose his current job, that I would be the one to try and bring in the extra income by getting a second job and he would be 'Mr. Mom', although he does watch our girls 3 days/week. I work in the medical field, which is a pretty demanding job and my employer is always calling asking for overtime, so extra shifts are always available. I would have no problem working 5-6 12- hour shifts/ week if it came down to that.
Yep. It's tough because we make almost exactly the same amount of money, however I only work 32 hours a week. It's a decision I made when I had my first DS. It is tough for us right now with two and I still travel for work and we both commute 45 min each way. So now I'm considering full-time employment because I could potentially make about 50k more a year which might require us moving about 20 miles south, but we could the afford a housekeeper, lawn care and other things that would allow us to have less stress at home and more quality time with our kids.
The thing that sucks is that personally we both would prefer I work part-time or freelance and be the domestic diva (while working a bit) and he work full time and let his career be the focus. He LOVES his career and I am very so-so on mine. However, my earning potential is so much greater that it wouldn't work that way, at least not for a few more years and I hate to give up on my earning potential when it could make such a huge difference to my family financially. It's so hard to figure out what's right sometimes!
I can say I don't know how we would do it without family help. We'd have to have a nanny or something because my parents pitch in a LOT for those late nights and random trips.
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