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Blended Families
dmndsr4eva
member
Anyone esle on here a SM or FSM to a teenage girl?
dmndsr4eva
member
My ex had two teenage girls and well that didn't end well. I never had any major problems with them but there were some jealousy issues. They were understandably somewhat jealous of their Dad having a child with me and to be honest there were times I was jealous of their relationship which I realize now was mainly his fault for making me feel like all his "real" or blood family was more important than me.
Anyhow, as fate would have it my new BF has a teenage girl too (18 yo). She lives with him because she doesn't like her mom. Well that's what she says but she still sees her mom at least once a week. She lives about ten minutes from them.
We have been dating for about five months and I can already see some of the signs that popped up with the other girls. Like I said I really feel that these jealousy type issues are inevitable. I just wonder how others have dealt with this? I mean coming into a relationship when the girls are already in their teens. At least with the other girls their parents had been divorced for 8+ years so they didn't have the whole "I wish my parents were still together" feelings. However, my new boyfriend has only been divorced for 2.5 years and his daughter frequently brings up the divorce.
Additionally, it is a bit odd that she is 18 and doesn't seem to have any friends. She is at home every night seven days a week unless she is with her mom maybe once a week. When I was a senior in high school I remember going to do things on the weekends with my friends. And I was in sports so I was busy with that too. She is going to college next year so I hope it goes well for her and she makes friends.
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Re: Anyone esle on here a SM or FSM to a teenage girl?
I recently read the book stepmonster and it really opened my eyes to the stepmother/child relationship. It is written by a very well educated stepmother and what I learned from the book is that the feelings of jealousy are normal. The man inbetween is having to divide his time and money. And it is pretty much a fact that this will create some friction. Additonally the child feels loyal to their mother so this usually creates automatic issues. I am not saying that there is any major drama I just wonder how others have navigated this type of relationship.
I don't know what your boyfriends daughter is like but maybe you should just step back and try to be her friend. Let her know that your not there to take away her dad. It's a struggle but if you want a good relationship with your boyfriend you'll need one with his daughter too.
I was 19 when my dad married my stepmom. I was pissed - not so much because she was taking him away from me, but because the idea of my parents getting back together was over. I didn't actively think, oh my parents could get back together, but it was in the back of my mind. The night I found out (from my mom, of all people) I cried and cried, and then showed up to his house unannounced. We had a good talk, I guess.
Anyway, as far as a relationship with my step mom, we barely have one. She is nice to all of us (me, my sister, all the kids) but she isn't my mom. She seems to make my dad happy, which is good. When she came into the picture I was a self absorbed teenager, and now as an adult I've built my life without her being much more than a distant relative. There have been times we've gotten along better than others, but for the most part she's just there. I don't have great feelings one way or another about her.
You think the common denominator here is "teenage girls," but it also might be YOU.
You are very judgey of a teenager who is not better or worse than you were as a teen - - she is just different. It doesn't seem as if your "great, active" teenage years led to a successful relationship - in your own words you married a jerk who you later divorced. Not all kids have millions of friends and not everyone plays sports or is very active in high school.
This teenager isn't your child to raise, so I would just be nice to her. See if she wants to go get mani / pedi's with you or figure out some girl things to do. Get to know her as a person.
You're not her SM ... OR future SM at this point. You're a woman her dad has been dating for a few months, and you're surprised that she might have reservations about this? The girl is 18 and her parents haven't been divorced very long in the grand scheme of things. Your comments about her are very telling. It sounds like you resent her for being around so much.
You seem to think the common denominator in these relationships has been teenage girls who are jealous of you. Based on your postings though, the common denominator is you jumping into relationships with single fathers way too quickly.
You have only been out of the relationship with your child's father for a very short time - and some of your posts on SO and TIP have indicated a lingering unhealthy attachment to him - I recommend proceeding very cautiously in this and any other relationships for the sake of you, your child, and any other children involved.
Yes. However I brought up the lap sitting and since then I haven't noticed it. Also, I told him I thought he made a bad choice when they slept in the same bed and he acknowledged it and said it was only for a couple of weeks until they got a bed. I just told him that I thought it was a poor choice and I guess he kind of agreed. I think it is good that they have a close relationship and since I have talked to him he has seemed to set some better boundries. So hopefully everything is ok in that department.
This sounds like my ex's daugthers. Since his first divorce he has had four serious relationships that all ended badly and the excuse he gave me for the three before me was that they didn't like & were mean to his daughters. It is almost like clockwork with him. Each woman lasts about 3 years and then he tires of her and moves onto the next one typically a coworker.
Then when we broke up he told me it was mainly because his daughters didn't like me because I was mean to them. Good luck to #5. Maybe she will fair better then the rest of us. She has a teenage sister so she probably can understand them better than the rest of us. Who knows.
You are a trainwreck of epic proportions, honey.
You need to get out this relationship and subsequently have your head examined.
Every board you post on you change the story to make yourself appear to be a victim.
You need to break up witrh the BF considering you aren't over your ex.
You need to be alone for at least several years before you get in a relationship. Especially a relationship that involves children.
With that I am done giving you any advice. You are either a drama queen or a troll.
I really feel like you keep injecting yourself in situations with drama or creating drama so you can overlook the underlying personal issues, insecurity, etc. instead of dealing with them. IMO telling yourself that you're competing with the SO's children for financial resources and attention, being able to tell him how his relationship with his daughter should be, telling yourself that the EX broke up with you only because his kids wanted him to, all of those fulfill the insecure part of you that needs validation. What you should realize is that this is not a healthy way of creating self worth. I'll say the same thing I ask you a lot: Are you still in therapy? What are you working on in therapy? The issue is insecurity and self worth needs to be front and center in your therapy sessions.
You've only been with this guy a short time and already sound like you've gotten pretty serious. I can understand why any daughter would have reservations about that. Add to that the fact that he apparently has boundary issues with his daughter and you put the kabbosh on that and I see why things are so complicated. First, sleeping in the same bed with his daughter and inappropriate physical interaction should have been a red flag. You should not have to tell someone that's inappropriate. I have serious concerns about you allowing your child around him and that alone is enough to end the relationship. Second, you all are not far enough into a relationship for you to be telling him how to raise his child. If she's used to being treated a certain way or having a certain relationship and you come in and demand differently, I can see why she would be upset.
If it were me, I would have already left. At the least I think you need to cool the relationship and move it more slowly until she graduates and in college. And you definitely need to stop viewing everything as a competition. Why can't you be a team with her and work together to maker her Dad happy? But I know you won't take any of that advice, so I will say that I don't see anything about this scenario ending differently than the scenario with your ex. The constant factor in these situations is YOU and that is very telling.
Uh, I'm sorry, but why wouldn't they be? When you marry or date a man with children you need to accept that you're probably not going to be the most important thing in his life. His kids are. WTF.
For the record I did not say that my ex's daughter's were the sole reason we broke up. Obviously there were other issues besides that. And back to my original question if you have never dated a man with teenage girls then you really have no clue what you are talking about. Are you even a stepmother? Until you have been in that type of relationship you have no idea what it is like. It is really the exception for blended families to get along wonderfully with out any issues. It is the norm that blended families either do not make it or they go through a rough period of adjustment.
For the record I did not say that my ex's daughter's were the sole reason we broke up. Obviously there were other issues besides that. And back to my original question if you have never dated a man with teenage girls then you really have no clue what you are talking about. Are you even a stepmother? Until you have been in that type of relationship you have no idea what it is like. It is really the exception for blended families to get along wonderfully with out any issues. It is the norm that blended families either do not make it or they go through a rough period of adjustment.
I don't have to be a stepmother to tell you that you're making terrible decisions. You're not over your ex, and you have no business dragging your child (or your current bf's) through this mess.
Why are you obsessing over this comparatively minor thing and ignoring the elephant in the room?
You know what?
I think you should tell your "SD" to get a life and stop trying to steal your man.
I don't know how old your SK's are but you stated that you have been with your H for 7+ years so unless your stepkids are 20 you did not come into their lives when they were teenagers. However, I will give you that preteens and teenagers probably would react similarly. But there is a difference between coming into a child's life at 8 or 9 versus 13 or 18.
Not to mention that statistically you getting along with your stepdaughters since the beginning wonderfully is the exception rather than the norm.