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Blended Families
Last name decisions . . .
Here's our background:
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and are expecting our 2nd child. Our first child, a 4YO girl, has a different biological father, whom she has never met. My husband is the only father she's ever known, and he adopted her last year. DD has always had my maiden name, which is a very nice Gaelic name and goes well (deliberately so) with our first names. When we got married, I caved to pressure and agreed to change my name to DH's legally, although I still go by my maiden name professionally. When we went through the adoption, we set it up to change DD's name as well, although we haven't finalized that decision, so she goes by DH's name, but legally her name is still my maiden name.
Even before we got pregnant, I began to regret this decision. It just doesn't feel right. My husband's name is a ridiculous, marble-mouthed, unspell-able, unmemorable mess. Every single time I get on the phone and have to spell the entire thing out, slowly, I regret this decision. Watching my daughter learn to struggle to spell her OWN NAME makes me regret this decision. I don't really want to inflict this on my next child. I've known my husband since we were in highschool, and I know he's struggled with it his entire life, although he doesn't feel negatively about it.
I think I want to go back to my maiden name, and cancel plans to change my DD's name. I would also like to give the new baby my maiden name. I love my husband dearly, but we aren't his property, and I see no reason why we should all take a completely absurd name when two of us have a very serviceable one already. I'm worried having such a wonky name will prove disadvantageous to our kids.
Has anybody gone through the process of changing your name back without a divorce? What about convincing your husband (and in-laws) that it's not an outlandish idea for us to have different names from him? Any advice/input would be appreciated. Thanks!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Last name decisions . . .
I have not had to change my name back because I never changed it.
I just wanted to say you don't have to worry about convincing your in-laws of anything because it's none of their business. They don't get a say in your name or in the name of your kids.
You should honestly explain to your husband you felt pressure to change it and you really didn't want to and explain you would like to change it back.
IF he really wants the kids to have his name then why not just hyphenate them. They will have both names and can use one or both at school and as they get older they can choose for themselves what they would like to do.
I would refrain from saying mean things about his name. It's insulting and won't help anything.
This, I can`t imagine would my husband would say if I said something like that to him.
Ok, that's fine if that's how you see it but that's not what it was.EDIT not what it was traditionally that is. (that is not why women had to take their husband's name)
If he feels strongly about it she should bend to his desire because he is the man??
She should have been upfront about this and now that she realizes it's important to her she needs to be honest with him. As a man he should be capable of reasoning.
She isn't asking him to change his name.
EDIT Changing your name is a choice that should be made by you only. Of course you should consider your husband's feelings just as he needs to consider yours.
IMO, this is something you should've taken care of/discussed before you got married and now you just need to live with it. Do you even know how your DH feels about you hating his name? If it's just because his name is hard to spell/pronounce, that's pretty petty! Millions of people out there have this same problem! My maiden name was messed up all the time and now my last name is Nelson and people still get it wrong!
Don't you think your kids might feel disconnected from DH for not having the same name? Maybe not now, but in the future? Maybe I'm being selfish, but I'm so glad SS and SD have the same last name as DH and me! Yes it's just a name, but I was raised to have pride in that.
Side story: I worked with a guy whose fiancee wouldn't marry him until he shortened his last name. He literally cut his name in half, hurting his entire family in the process. A year later the b**** left and divorced him and now he's trying to figure out how to change it back! Poor kid...
In regards to your name, I think that is your decision, but you will have to live with any ramifications for your decision including upsetting your DH or in-laws.
In regards to the children, you do not get to be the sole decision maker on that, as they are your DH's children as well. Either you need to come to an agreement where no one feels pressured or you need to hypenate....
And all kids will learn to spell their name no matter what it is. Some actually might take pride in having your DH's last name, regardless of your feelings, I"m sure there is someone in the history of your family's last name that thought it was outlandish and ridiculous as well.
You shouldn't put down someone's name, really....
I kinda have to agree... to me, its all part of the whole tradidional, old fashioned thing, which is very important to me... but its all about what you AND your husband believe... but having a hard time spelling the name, or not liking how it sounds with yours is a bit of a petty reason to not take his name, if its important to him, just keep his feelings in mind.
You need to discuss it with YH. Neither your feelings nor his are more important, so maybe it means more to you than it does him. Or maybe there's a compromise to be found.
I grew up with a wonky germanic name, and it really wasn't terrible. I kind of hated it when I was little, but once I was in high school, it was nice not being the 11th Jennifer Smith.
I like my married name, but every now and then I miss my maiden name.
i, too, married into an AWFUL last name situation. once in a while I crack jokes when trying to spell it for people like "I should have run when I saw that last name huh" obviously, kidding around.
My DH married his exwife when she got pregnant with SD bc she had the mentality "the babies last name will be whatever my last name is" it was very important to him for SD to have his last name. when they got divorced there was a clause written into the CO that SD's last name NOT be changed even if BM got re-married.
When I got pregnant with DS it was never a question if he would have DH's last name, that is his child that he is co-parenting and raising with me, he absolutely should have his fathers last name.
We didn't get married until DS was almost 2, and it was really frustrating for the first few years not having the same last name as my child. alot of people either assumed he had my last name, or if they only knew him, assumed I had his last name. it was constant correction.
now that we are married and we all have the same last name it is much more comfortable for ALL involved, even though our last name is a nightmare to spell. SD likes having the comfort of us all having the same last name (especially after BM made a huge stink about her getting married again and not having the same last name as SD anymore)
sorry that got so long and rambly. if you truly hate your last name, it should be legally hyphenated so you can go by whatever works for you. your husband has put forward alot of effort with your firstborn, he deserves to have his children have his last name.
I haven't finished reading all the other's posts yet, but I'll answer now anyway. My DS never met his BF either. Very bad situation there.
When we were engaged, my husband & I talked about him adopting, and he was on board 100%. We finalized the adoption this past summer. When I married DH, I took his last name because I wanted to show the world how proud I was to be his wife.
We decided that DS would also change his last name. Like you, I'd picked a great name to go with my maiden name. The paperwork wasn't done until about October, so he was still going by my maiden name at school (for legal purposes). When it finally got changed, he was so PROUD to tell people "I'm L_____ Gxxx now!" or "Don't call me L____ Cxxx. My last name is Gxxx".
It's really great for him to share DH's last name. And as a teacher, I will mention that every child struggles with learning how to write their name. Regarless of how short or long.
ETA: I realize that some might feel that you don't have to change your name to show that you're proud to be someone's spouse. After all, men don't. To each their own, it's just something I feel, not something you need to agree with.
you could do what i did i have a hypen name madien name-married name...
my half brother has hypend last name my stepdad was never close to his family so when my brother was born they decided to hypen his last name and mine and moms last name are his actual last name my step dads is more of middle name for him.. and no one uses thier middle name...
I read this board a lot, not for drama, but because I'm a blended family child.
The idea that I'm not proud to be my husband's wife because I didn't change my name is absurd. OP, there is no reason to be shamed into keeping your husband's name. H and I plan to do my last name as all kids' middle names and his last name as their last name. My last name was always different than mom's. None of us kids had a problem, especially with our middle names being her last name.
Have you asked your H about changing his last name?
I would have given anything to be married and have my DS's father's name. Because I loved him and I wanted a family. However, because we didn't stay together and were only engaged I truly regret giving my son his name and now me and my son have different names.
However, I understand your prediciment because my maiden name is impossible to pronounce and spell too. And it isn't easy having to like you said spell it two or three times for everyone. While it is inconvienient I don't think it is that bad. If your H feels strongly about it I say just change.