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Preemies
almost 3 months old and still in the hospital
My son was born 1 month 5 days premature. He was also born with his intestines disconnected in two places and missing two thirds of his smaller intestines.
I wasn't allowed to hold him on my chest after I gave birth and once they checked him out they gave him to me for a few minutes and then whisked him away to do other tests and checks. The next time I saw him he was in the nicu in one of the plastic boxes with portholes, he hardly cried. He's a very chill baby.
I have a hard time believing that he knows who I am and everyone keeps reassuring me that he does but I just don't believe it. He doesn't stare at my face and I know that his eyes aren't as developed as a newborns would be, but I keep reading everywhere that babies by 2 days old stare at your face but mine doesn't. Although he's really interested in the lights above his head that he stares at all day lol.
I feel like he thinks that the nurses are his moms because he sees them more. I'm so envious of them and they're only doing their jobs. I feel so depressed sometimes because I want to be with my baby all the time, but I need to be productive at home because we're moving to a new place and things need to get done.
We're moving to the middle of nowhere 45 mins from the hospital and and I won't be able to see him even as much as I see him now which is only about two hours a day, sometimes less.
My old roommate suggested we stay at a Ronald McDonald house but I can't drop everything and live out of a suitcase for months upon months so that I can just be at the hospital all the time. Firstly, the nurses already make me feel like I'm in the way when I'm there, and second I'm still in school 3 quarters away from graduating. And second, we don't know when he'll be coming home yet. I can't put life on hold just because I have a baby I have other responsibilities that are just as important.
It's painful to watch my friends and sister-in-laws be so happy to be with their babies and bringing them home. My sister-in-law, in which we'll be moving in the room next door, had her last child a week after me. She complains about how the baby never sleeps and how the baby cries all the time. I can't tell you how much I would give to be able to hold my baby without wires or ivs and to be able to hold him with out a nurse giving me annoyed sighs and looks when I ask if I can pick him up. It breaks my heart every day I have to leave him at the hospital. I would give anything to be complaining about his crying and have him home. If that's the trade off I'm game.
Moms who haven't had to go through this revel in the silence when their baby is sleeping but they don't understand that for a mom who has to come home from the hospital with out her baby, silence has an unsettling property. I would give anything to be able to have the only thing wrong with my baby is that he had colic.
I know that God doesn't give anyone something that they can't handle but sometimes I find myself asking him "why me?"
I just want my child to know who I am... I love him so much.
Taa Daa!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: almost 3 months old and still in the hospital
I think we can all relate to the "why me" question, and the worry that we aren't as bonded with our preemies as mothers who had FT babies. If you are really concerned about it and can't manage more time with him, try recording your and your husband's voices and seeing if the nurses will play it from time to time. The nurses at DD's nicu even would put the tape recorder (or speakers) in the bed with the babies.
You can also print black and white photos of you guys and put them where he'd most see them.
Remember, even though he's been in the nicu for 3 months, he was inside you for a lot longer, listening to your voices.
Your child will know who you are--that takes time though. And that love will only grow.
For me, I was not ready for my son to come early close to 31 weeks. I was having to be a mother earlier than I was prepared to be a mother. So I was really winging everything. I went to the hospital every day for the 35 days that he was in the hospital. I took opportunities to talk to the nurses and the social workers about my son--it was just my way of working through what I was going through. And I got a lot of great advice from the nurses about taking care of my son--changing diapers--burping the baby, giving the baby a bath--very thankful for their advice.
I took the opportunity to talk to other NICU/ISCU parents at the hospital when it was appropriate. There was a NICU support group, and I was able to meet other parents through this group.
I have a confession though--I am really glad I roomed in with my son the night before he came home. Because even though, we were really excited that we could be a normal family. My fear of not being good enough as a mother came through--and there I was there with the nurse crying my eyes out ---I was so used to the monitors and the nurses telling me how to handle my son. And when your child goes home, the monitors are not there--you constantly watch your kid to make sure he is breathing. And during the night, even though his grunting and breathing can wake you up--you are just thankful that he is just breathing. And my son actually had 3 reflux episodes the first day that I was home with him. We worked with our pediatrician as well as an occupational therapist from the hospital to get him a wedge.
You are his mother, and that is really special. That child came from you. You felt his kicks. No one else has the same experience as you--not a nurse, a babysitter, or even a relative or friend.
The hospital is there to help your son and make sure that your son can survive outside of the hospital. And then the rest really comes from you as a parent. I hope that your son will be able to come home soon so that you will be able to experience that. And I know this is a difficult time for you as your son is going through medical issues.
To the original poster,
i am sorry if my original comment offended you which I have deleted ... i did not mean to offend you as ive said i will pray every night for you and your baby this is not a easy place to be ... again im very sorry and didnt mean it...as some of the other posters have said ...i was just upset that you would say other things are just as important as your baby and you couldnt drop them & you didnt want to live out of the ronald mcdonald house ... im sorry i should have kept that to myself
the ronald mcdonald house is very very nice and maybe you could stay there part time like on the weekends ... also the tape recorder is a great idea to record your voices ... i think a social worker is a great idea ... they have so many options and support ...
also i really hope you address the nurses...if a nurse is not being nice then you should get a charge nurse involoved or ask for a different nurse...whether you come once a day or once every five days, regardless the nurses shouldn't treat you any different
again im very sorry if i offended you ... that was not my intention at all ... i lost one baby at 18 weeks ... and the doctors expect this one to be born anyday at 25wks only ... so again i am sorry and i will prayer and hope you find something that can work for you
I really hope you do address the nurse issue...its ok to ask for another nurse to be assigned ... you have that right ...
My posts have been deleted when I stated my opinion on some advice given to you. I cannot claim to have been where you are. I expected a long NICU stay. My heart breaks for you right now. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a social worker or counselor. Maybe you should talk to a charge nurse too, to address any concerns you have. Maybe they have some options that would work.
Remember, you are your baby's mom. He will never love another woman like he loves you.
I think everyone here can relate to your feelings of "why me?" It is very difficult to parent a LO in the NICU. I would encourage you to take advantage of every resource available- the parents' support group, the social worker, counselor, etc. Ask your professors for more time on your assignments, talk to the RMH about staying for a short time to make your travel easier, engage friends and family who offer to help with whatever you need (meals, transportation, child care, a shoulder to cry on).
Lastly, the nurses should be there to help you learn your baby and support you as a parent. If they are being rude, short or impatient, you need to address the charge nurse. They should do everything in their power to make you feel comfortable with your LO.
It will get better. Sending you lots of well wishes!
If a person deletes "children" of their post, that also includes people who clicked "reply" to their post. In other words, if instead of clicking "reply" under the OP you click "reply" on someone else's post, then your response will be deleted if they delete theirs plus the children of their responses (TB gives you that option when deleting your posts).
OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're really busy anyway, and I know having a baby in the NICU is incredibly time consuming, but it might be worth it for you to look into counseling to help you work through your feelings. Your son will know and love you. He will. I second the other women's advice to look into the Ronald McDonald house for weekends.
BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence
I just wanted to say I know how you feel as far as "Why me?". Leaving my DD and taking my DS home was worse then when I left them both and headed home. I know everyone will tell you it will get better, and I doubted them..but it actually does eventually. I did not get to hold my DD until she was 2 days old, I know it's not a long time, but it felt like a lifetime. But when I was able to I made the most of it. I also worried about not bonding with her because she was in the isolette for so long, but I made sure I was there for feedings and I would stay until I got to hold her while she was being tube fed and eventually bottle fed. I'm pretty shy about asking for things, but I asked to be more hands on. And it was the best thing I could have done. The Nurses helped me feed both babies and then started to change the diapers. I took the NICU time to figure out how to care for 2 babies with a lot of back up, and maybe that is something you can do during your visits. Ask open ended questions of the Nursing staff and then ask them to show you how to care for your son. It doesn't hurt to ask and if you get resistance ask the Charge Nurse, and if you are bushed off ask the Attending Doctor or your Doctor. Eventually someone will help and you will feel better.
I hope you are able to find a balance and I pray for strength for you. I know what it's like to have new babies around and not have yours with you. I cried and you know it was okay to do that. My sister came to help 5 days after I delivered and the twins were still in isolettes 20 minutes away, and she had her month old there too. I didn't hold her baby at first because it hurt too much, but eventually I did and it helped a little bit.
Seek out advise like pp have suggested and hang in there! We've been right there with you! Sending you T & P's!