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Blended Families
Differences between step and bio children
How is the love and bond you have with your bio children differnet from the way you feel about your step children? I'm not talking about the way you treat them; I am asking more from the bond and unconditional love aspect. Do you feel a big difference? I don't want the PC answer but the honest one.
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Beta #1 (9.15.11) ~ 437!!! Beta #2 (9.19.11) ~ 1,854!!! EDD 05.24.2012 TWINS!!!
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Re: Differences between step and bio children
I thought I loved my SD unconditionally, then I had my DS. Nothing can describe the bond a mother has with her child, and nothing can replicate that. add to that the fact that SD has grown to have resentment towards me and BM hates me/trash talks me to SD.
I have a completely different relationship with my DS and SD. my DS is my whole world. SD is just a child that comes to stay with us a few times a month
Flame away, OP asked for honest answers, this is my honest relationship with DS and SD
I love my stepchildren very much but I love them differently than I do my DSs. I wouldn't say I love them less but it is different. It's more comparable to how I feel about my little brother (he is SD's age) and my nephews. I love them but I don't feel responsible for them like I do for my children. The people they grow up to be doesn't reflect on me the same way.
I love SS and SD. When they are here I treat them like I do DS1 & 2 but they aren't here that often. I can make and enforce rules for them in my home but I have zero say in what happens in school and medical decisions. I can only do my best to influence what DH does. There are so many times when I don't agree with how DH and BM are doing things but I don't really have a say. The difference between them and my biological children has nothing to do with biology. I was adopted and I don't feel that biology makes a family. What does make the difference is how involved I get to be in raising them.
I can accept that some step-parents feel differently toward their step-children. (maybe many of them feel differently) BUT have you said that to their father? I couldn't imagine being married to someone who felt this way about my children.
That statement would end things for me. "Just a child who comes to stay with you"? That's way beyond having different types of love for each child, that's cold.
DH knows I have issues with SD, unfortuntately its pretty mutual, she doesn't like me very much either. I am commited to my husband and my family and we are doing everything we all can (including therapy for me) to try to make it a better situation for all of us involved. I have no say in parenting or raising her, therefore I feel no parental obligation towards her. I treat her as I would one of my friends children. I don't hate her and pretend she doesn't exist, but I don't love her.
I love my stepchildren. As much as I love my DD? I'm not sure how i'd answer that. It's a different kind of love. It's almost, like, how I feel about my neice and nephew (my sister's kids). They were 100% my world until my DD came along. I feel the same about my Skids. they were 100% my everything, until DD. And now, DD is 100% and everyone else is 99.9%. Would I die for my stepkids? Without question. Would i protect them fiercly, and do absolutely anything for them? Yep, in a heartbeat.
The thing that sets them apart in my mind is sort of morbid (and maybe flamable, but it's the truth). If my DD were to die, or be taken from me, I would completely cease to breath. my heart would stop beating instantly....i would NOT be able to ever go on with myself. If my SD or SS were to die, or be taken away from me (us), I'd be uttery devstated, in total shock, go through a horrible bought of bed ridden depression, but I would carry on living....
Does that make sense?
I can tottally understand this, and have felt the exact same way. Its hard to not feel slighted by older step children when you are disrespected over and over. BM does bad mouth me, and has for years..this doesnt help SS's view of me. I am nothing but nice to SS, and would do anything to protect him and give him a good home..but.. my DD is my world. I would move hell on earth for her, if i could. Its very very different.
I think thats a little judgemental when every single person on this board has a different life and different scenerios. We don't all have 2 year old step children and utterly dispise them, KWIM? I think that having issues with younger step children versus older ones is a whole different ball game.
Just like she was being honest, so was I.
Plenty of people might not agree with me. I understand there are different situations and since I don't know her I can't say what's right or not BUT the wording was cold. "just someone who comes over"
Step-children just like bio-children can be hard to live with and make us crazy, I have no idea how old the step-child is in that situation as well, I was going by the comments made only. If the step-child is actually an adult my opinion is vastly different than if the child were an actual child and even slightly different if it's a teen.
Picture it from the other side, if someone who cared for your kids as a step-parent saw them only as someone who they have to tolerate.
I sincerely hope they all grow together and things work well, I would hope that in every situation where kids are involved.
Was I judging? Yes. It isn't my best attribute and in most cases I am not as bad but the wording just struck my heart to be honest.
See, if I read that originally with the first post I would have worded my post differently.
Your words just struck me in a very personal way. (family experience with this, not my kids though)
I think it's amazing that you are going to therapy and I wish you the best.
DH says he loves DS (from my first marriage) the same way he loves DD (from our marriage). He says he sees them both as his kids.
But we have DS 95% of the time, and I think it would be an entirely different situation if we had EOW and some holidays. We pretty much function as an intact family, and I think it would be a miserable family life for DH if he didn't love DS.
I've been in my sk's lives since they were 4 and we have them half the week. I love my sk's, protect them, would even die for them. We have a great relationship and I also get along great with their mom. It is a different (not more) kind of love for my bio kids. I carried them, breastfed them and when I look at them I see me and my 2 year old looks just like my dad who died 3 weeks before she was born. I see her and I find comfort. I am their world and they are mine and I don't have to share.
Now some pp said they would instantly die if bio kids died and would just grieve bad for sk but in reality, people lose children everyday. They grieve and their lives are never the same but they don't just die with them and eventually they find a new path without that child. What you described for the sk's is what parents go thru with their children who pass, in reality. Maybe you didnt know how to describe your love for bio kids, but that one had me confused.
I love SS as if he were my own. He, DD1, and DD2 mean everything to me, I love them all unconditionally. As for the bond, I do think it is different because I wasn't there for his entire life and there are some other factors in our situation that although we have SS 100% of the time, have made it difficult for us to bond.
I don't love my SKs the same as DD. If they were younger when I came into the picture, it may be different, but like someone else said with DD I carried her, I breastfed her, I am her world and she is mine (mostly, there's room for DH too).
I do feel a little bad about this, but it's just how it is. DH knows, I had a crying fit one night when we were talking about it. He understands, and really they have a great BM so I don't feel like they're getting the shorted by having a SM doesn't love them in that way.
I think the people who explained it like loving your niece or nephew were spot on.
I know that my view in this is both "flamable" and the direct result of my personal relationship with my Skids and DH...but here goes.
LOVE, like any other effing emotion. There are SO many variables that go into ANY emotion, that there is no one answer and no CORRECT/RIGHTEOUS answer:
NOW - LOVING and CARING are not the same thing. I do not believe that Step-Parents need to love their stepkids. But they do need to care for them and ensure that they treat all the children in their family FAIRLY (fair does not mean equal - you dont treat biological kids equally, because no one is exactly the same, even twins - you parent to the child's specific needs).
No matter what some posters here think, I DO treat my SS fairly, in comparison to my BD. I have the same expectations, would provide the same consequences & punishments and DO provide the same financial sundries to both. And I work very hard at move my feelings from "caring" back to "loving".
But right now, I do not love my SS in any way similar to my DD and I probably feel even less for my SD (not because she has been hard, but because she came into my life as an 17 yo, and whom I have no real interaction with).
That does not make me mean...that makes me human.
Oh...and I want to restress, that just because you may not love your SKs like you love your own children, you should ALWAYS PUT THE BETS INTERESTS OF THE CHILD IN NEED FIRST.
Honest to god, when SS had his last fit, where he attacked DD and called her an Evil Thing, I was put in an unattainable position.
I put the needs of the toddler in fear first, over the screaming 16 yo. But the needs of the 16 yo was alwasy in my mind when I made my decisions about how best to deal my marriage. That is why I would never ever tell DH to send SS home...I would rather take my DD out of the marriage. Because in the end, SS NEEDS his father more than DD does - while DD needs a quite place more than SS.
I do not have biokids yet but here are my observations. I love SS very much. When he's not with us I think about what he's doing, if he's happy, how his school day went.
However, I do not feel the same level of responsibility and bond dh feels towards him. If I have to work late on a night we have SS it's ok to me- but we are not having bio kids until I can be in a career in which late nights are rare or do not occur because it would not feel ok to me to come home that late to my own kids. So I would say I love SS very much but do not feel as responsible for him.
He has a mom and a dad to be responsible for him, I am just an extra cheerleader on his team. He is my child but only in the fun going to the library/playing kinect/walking to the park/doing homework/making dinner together way. He isnt my whole world or responsibility.
Also, I think I'm lucky in that SS is very much a mamas boy (raised mostly surrounded by women) so when he comes here he is very much about my female attention, which gives us a lot of opportunity to bond. When he gets to pick- go with me to the store or stay home with dad, stay home with me or go to the store with dad- 100% he will pick to hang with me
My DD is about to be 12 weeks, and I can agree with all the pp in one way or another. I care about my SKs, I sometimes think about them when I am out at a store, certain things bring them to my mind. But my DD, she is always on my mind.
My step kids and I get along, some times my SD will call me mother other times by my name, it just depends on how much we see each other that month. My DD will always call me mom, because us seeing each other will not be a guessing game, and there will not be conflict in visitations and there will not be once a month, once every other month kinda thing going on.
I feel uncomfortabel around my SKs and when they come down the feel of our home changes. With DD everything is perfectly in place.
There are lots of differances between having your own kids and your SK. and like most I do not love my SK like my own. But i do care about them and want the to be happy. Like someone said in a pp, they are like my little nieces or nephews.
Hope this makes sense
I have no bio children and do not have any desire to ever have any. I never wanted kids until I met SSs. I fell in love with them as much as DH. I can't put into words the feelings of love I have for them now. BM is a no show in their life. Even though she did the breastfeeding it didn't seem to help establish a more special bond. I was fortunate that MH allowed me the honor of adopting my SSs. Nothing I achieved, or spent time doing in the past has been as meaningful to me as being their mom. I love them more than anything in the world.
I can't imagine loving another child "more" than my sons. But since I have never given birth, I can't speak to that. I'm glad that I never did so they don't ever have to share me or worry I don't love them as much as my bio child. That said, I have a best case scenario compared to other SMs on the board since I am the parent and BM is MIA. It would probably be very different if she was active in their lives.
My son is nearly three weeks old and there is a HUGE difference between how I feel about him and my skids. I didn't expect it to be so different. I never want my skids to know that I feel that way and I will always do what is best for them, but my son is this amazing being that I am connected to in a way that I am not with my skids. I think if they lived with us full time it would be a different story, but we have EOW. Not only that, they already have a Mom and they don't need me the way that my son does
As a PP (Illumine I believe) mentioned, the age when the SK comes into your life is important. I've known my bonus daughter since just after she was born. My husband's best friend married my best friend, so we've known each other about 8 years. We started dating when his daughter was 2 and got married when she was 4. My children were 8 and 4 when my husband and I started dating.
I love my bonus daughter as if she were in fact my own. Being a part of her life early on made that feeling possible. My husband however, isn't as "attached" (for lack of a better word) to my children. I think the difference is 1. He's a man; and 2. My kids were a lot older and had memories of our previous family structure therefore my son was not easy to deal with at first. But he loves them, provides for them and is protective of them.
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It is hard for me to answer this completely sine I have yet to have my own kids, here is what I think...
I have love for SDs, but some days I have to really work to "make" myself feel that love. I am proud of them when they do something good, sad for them when they are going through a rough patch, and happy for them when things go well for them. I don't feel the love is unconditional, unfortunately. They do not have to love me, and I really feel that sometimes.
My relationship with both of them is so fragile, so I often find myself going the extra mile or watching what I say/do just improve their feelings towards me. Hell, both SDs live with us so DH and I are the ones taking care of just about everything for them (rides, money, help w/ hw, etc) and they only sometimes show appreciation (I know, that can be normal). BUT all BM has to do is show up for an hour and they beam with joy. I wish there was a mutual unconditional love, but there just isn't. It isn't something you can force either.
Perhaps if I had been in their lives sooner than 8 & 13, it would be different. But, like pp said, they remember how life was when DH and BM were still together. It is hard for the youngest D to get over that, and I feel like she throws it in my face, which pushes me away for sure. I see a lot of BM in SD2 and that affects how I feel about her sometimes (throw stones all you want, but that is how I feel).
I think when I finally have one of my own, I will feel a difference between my kids and SDs.
Thank you for posting this. I have really enjoyed reading the responses, because this is something I think about often.
I met SS when he was 4. When he was 6 I realized how F'd up BM was and told DH he needed to fight for his son. When SS was 7, DH won custody (we had a GAL and the trial took 2 1/2 years) and he came to live with us.
It was a lot of work because SS was failing school. I read with him every day, but I also had a 3 month old to take care of. I was thrown into full-time motherhood and step-motherhood within 3 months (I had DS in Sept 2010 and Jan 2011 SS came to live with us).
I do not love SS the same way I love DS. But SS doesn't love me the same way he loves him BM. I want to give SS every opportunity possible (since his mother can't seem to get her butt in gear and do anything for him) and I treat him exactly as I will treat DS when he gets older. And I would never every let SS know that I feel differently about them. However, DH does know how I feel. If I can't talk to him about that...who can I? I told him in no way does it mean that I don't want him here or I won't give him everything he needs to succeed in life, but I can't pretend I feel something that I don't.
Because he is with us full-time I do have to dole out discipline, rewards and give him chores, and I try my best to be fair. But there is no way I will ever feel about him the way I feel about my own child.
I feel guilty for feeling this, but I see from everyone else's posts that I am just normal. I need to stop feeling guilty and use my energy for my family instead
We have SS Thursday through Sundays. I have been with DH since he was 5. I love him with my whole heart, I treat him like one of my kids. I would do anything for him.
However, the bond I have with my DD is completely different. I am much closer to her, I understand her better, and I have complete control over what happens in her life whereas with SS I have limited control. I love them both but it is very different. Also, I find the role of SM to be much more difficult than the role of mom.
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What an interesting topic of conversation that always feels like a 'no go' DH regularly tells me "oh I bet you will treat LO differently to SD when that happens in future" it's hard for me to deny it but I do and try to keep things as fair as possible. I love my SD but it's not the same. Sometimes she gets on my nerve no end too.. We have her 50/50 so I see her every other day (which is tough too) sometimes I think we get sick of each other! lol We basically have two parents who fight to be favorite although would never be admitted, and a child who is spoiled rotten because of it. She is treated as BFF to her mother, and I see a lot of characteristics of her own selfish, needy and insecure mother as I do in SD which DH doesn't see and I feel sorry for her. I love her but life is tough, every day I have to remind myself its so much tougher for her even on the days she is secretly pinching LO and pushing, etc.. and DH thinks she is just been a child. The love at the moment is hard to find... because BM is in her life I justify that she doesn't need me to 'take her place' she does in fact have her own mother to give her the love like i give my LO, I don't say she doesn't get any love from me though, she does.
I love her because I love DH and she is a part of our family. The love I have for her compared to LO is simply inexplicably.. different..
This. Honestly.