- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Sigir
member
Feeling bad about DC getting less opportunity than 'normal' kids
Sigir
member
Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good weekend! Recently I have been thinking about something and maybe you all can relate- at least the fellow BMs on here.
Sometimes I feel so sad and a bit guilty that my dc8 does not have all the opportunities that 'normal' kids from 'intact' families do, or that dc has to go through things that other kids don't (sorry if these terms offend anyone, but hopefully they just get across what I am trying to say clearly!). For example, dc can't join any sport or club dc wants, because dc is only in our town every other weekend. Or dc's friends say things like "my mom told me that my mom and dad love each other no matter what and will never get divorced". When I overheard that conversation, my heart broke for dc even though dc handled it so well and said "well, my mom and dad love me forever and no matter what". Also, dc's bff's parents just separated, and now that child is out of town on the weekends, when dc is in town, so they never get to have playdates anymore (I have been trying to set things up during the week to compensate but its hard since I work outside the home).
I guess this is just the facts of divorce, but I feel so bad for dc when these things come up. Maybe I am just feeling this way because I am pregnant and hormonal!
But now that a new baby is on the way, I can foresee that this baby will have those opportunities to join any club they want, etc., that my dc just doesn't have. It just makes me feel so bad for my poor dc sometimes... but maybe since this is all they have ever known, I am more sensitive to it than dc is. ugh!
Can anyone relate, and if so, how to deal with it. It's probably something I just need to get over internally. Dc seems very well adjusted and happy and doing well in school, thank goodness, so maybe it is just all in my head.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling bad about DC getting less opportunity than 'normal' kids
I'm a SM so I'm on the other side of the fence, but I have a DS with my husband and so I can somewhat relate.
have you looked into signing DC up for a club/ activity during the week? will XH not support an activity on his weekends? (Bm signed SD up for a soccer thing on weekends without our consent, we haven't decided if we will be bringing her or not yet).
Even if XH doesn't support things on his weekends, you can still sign DC up and just bring him on your weekends, not ideal but better than nothing! we are going back to court and I'm pretty sure BM is going to try to put a clause in our CO that we have to accomodate SD's sports/ extracurricular activities. I have no issues bringing her when we have nothing else going on,but sometimes we have things planned and it doesn't work out. BM throws huge temper tantrums, its dumb.
How far away is your ex? I would be surprised if a dad who lived relatively close by wouldn't support his son's passion for sports.
When I worked full time, we arranged "playdates" after work. We would do things like pick up dd from daycare and then go to McDonald's / pizza, or to the park or to our town's car shows (held during the week). It works especially well during the summer when it is light out until late at night. We would also meet to go to the community pool (me and the other mom would both be there, but it was still like a playdate for the kids).
Have you thought about enrolling your son in something that takes place during the week, like karate lessons? Or scouts (you might miss some weekend activities, but you could find a den when most kids meet during the week. If your son really likes a team sport, you can try to enroll him in sports camp - - that way he learns and practices the fundamentals until he is old enough to play at school (during the week).
You can't worry about what other kids say about their parents' marriages. Nobody can predict the future!
You could see it as less or you could see it as more. He has the opportunity to make friends in two separate towns. It can be a good experience for kids to get the best out of two homes.
As far as sports, can't he still join a sport or club in your town? If he's with you during the week, that's still two practices a week, and only missing two/three games per month. When BM was taking visitation, we still had the boys in soccer, and if they had to miss a game, they just missed it. I'd have a conversation with the coach about your schedule, but I'd think they'd be accomodating.
When comparing how your DC#1's experiences are to your DC#2, just keep in mind that even in intact families, not all sibs get the same things all the time. Different friends, different classrooms, different family events may all lead to very different experiences for two children in the same household. We try to be as fair as possible with the boys, but they still each have had great gains and losses that the others haven't experienced in the same way. And, while your DC#1 may miss some things on his weekends away, he may also have the opportunity to see things and go places your DC#2 does not.
My ex-husband decided not to be a part of my kids' lives so I didn't have that issue because they were always with me. However, that causes many more issues about not having a father at all. In a way it is sad because of the reasons you mentioned but assuming he is a good father at least they have that.
Try to put them in something that falls only in your time. (every Tuesday or Thursday or whatever day works)
Thanks everyone. exh lives about 40 - 45 minutes away. exh is very difficult and does not care if he upsets dc, as long as he upsets me! (that is how I view his actions at least). Last year exh would take dc to the sport dc had on the weekend because he lived only about 15 min away. This year he moved to a very rural area, and when it was time to sign dc up again, he said no. So I have dc in an activity on a weeknight, but I just feel badly that as dc grows and maybe gets a passion for something, dc will not be able to take part because exh will not agree to it.
Meanwhile, dc will see the new baby grow up and be able to take part in whatever she likes... I just hope that dc does not resent the new baby for that. :-/ But pper is right- every child has different opportunities and things they miss out on. I have to try to see that point of view more often.
I guess I can see the other side - if exh signed dc up for something out where he lives, it would be a real hassle to drive dc there on our weekends... but I feel that exh made the choice to live out in the middle of nowhere, and dc should not have to suffer because of it. That is what makes me sad... but I guess like the others of you have said, I can just try to compensate by continuing to do things during the week (dc really wants to do scouting so I have to get on that asap and just hope its not on the weekend or exh's week night). I also have to try to look at the positives like some of you have said... after all, this 'split' life is all dc has ever known, so it's normal and dc seems well- adjusted.
I just wish life did not have to be so complicated for dc!
This! My SS8 lives with us full-time (visits BM EOW) and plays baseball. Sometimes he misses practices and games because BM does not support him playing...but so what? At least he gets to be part of the team when he is here. He LOVES playing baseball. No way would we tell him no just because he would miss some of it. And sometimes BM does drive the 70 miles to bring him to our town for a game...because SS tells her that he wants to play.
Plus, he is not the only kid on the team from a blended family. The coaches understand our situation and want him to at least be part of the team...even though he can't make it to everything.
I agree with this.
Yea, it's not ideal but you can choose to look at the glass as half full or half empty. Also consider that your DC1 will have two birthdays/Christmases/etc whereas your DC2 will only have the one. No it's not equal but your children will reflect your attitude about the situation.