- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
CurlyQ284
member
Can't Sleep, need to get this out (long)
CurlyQ284
member
I've got this issue I'm thinking about and I can't sleep so mind if I tell you guys?
DH and I live in a suburb of DC, in my hometown where I grew up. In 2007 we moved to Mississippi to live near DHs family. He had just gotten out of the military after 10 years, he missed his family and wanted to live near them. We had been dating for 3 years at that point, I agreed to move with him. It was extremely hard on my mom, we are close and she has a crappy marriage with my dad which I think is part of the reason we are so close. I'm all she has. DH and I both got laid off in 2009 before our wedding. After the wedding, we moved back to DC area (lots of jobs). SDs (9 and 10) live with their mom in the town where DH grew up, a suburb of Detroit. The rest of his family lives down south, so it's just them up there.
So today DH and I are eating lunch and he said he was going to call SD to see how her concert went. He started getting sad and talking about how he hates missing out on everything. Then he says he read an article last week saying that Detroit is in the top 10 cities projected to hire for IT this year. I guess it has to do with the car companies revamping and he said something about tax breaks for new companies are drawing them there. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't know how I'd feel about it.
I have always said I would move there so he can be with the kids, and I told him that today. TBH I never really thought it would happen since Michigan was hit so hard by the recession. I got home and looked, and he's right, there are 800 jobs within 20 miles of Detroit on Career Builder. The last time he looked, in 2009, there were 36 jobs.
So now it's kind of hitting me that this might be a possibility. My boss has always said I can telecommute if DH gets a job near the kids, he's big into family so he's mentioned it before. I am in grad school but I can transfer I guess. My biggest worry is that if he gets a job there, my mom is going to be devestated and angry. She's going to say we're being stupid, we should have learned our lesson last time not to leave. I hate disappointing her and she will literally be outraged. She will be left here with my bro and SIL, who have gone crazy (whole other post). I will leave behind my two best friends again. So I know I shouldn't worry about this since it hasn't happened but all this is going through my head and I can't sleep. I can't tell DH no, he can't be there to raise his kids. Then part of me wants to go, do something different (I kind of have wanderlust, which is why I agreed to move in 2007), and the other part of me is really upset at losing my mom/disappointing her, and missing my friends and leaving home again.
Thanks for listening, I don't think this helped because now I'm a crying mess.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can't Sleep, need to get this out (long)
Okay, first, I'm going to talk you INTO it, then I'll talk you OUT of it.
GOING:
1) There ARE a lot of IT jobs up here. I live in a suburb of Detroit and other than the city proper, things are really re-building. (The city of Detroit is a mess right now, but not just economically.). Yes, MI was hit hard in the recession, but we've also made a HUGE "comeback". I joke with people that us Michiganders are "a hearty people" and can survive just about anything. It's true though, we have a survivor mentality up here and it's starting to turn things around.
2) Michigan is a beautiful state. We have so much to offer as far as outdoor activities/vacations/sports/scenery, and also as far as museums, culture, theater, etc.
3) I was born and raised here and though I've had the opportunity to live other places and have visted other places, THIS is the place I always say I could never imagine raising my kids any where else.
4) we have a major "hub" airport right here in Detroit. Visiting your mom and friends would be do-able.
5) we are within driving distance (5-6 hours at most) of several great places.
6) I can be in Canada in less than 30 minutes (depending on traffic of course) and that opens a whole other opportunity for fun, shopping, culture, etc. My kids will have the benefit of an "international" existence from the comfort of their own backyard.
7) your mom will survive. And maybe it's good for her to start building her own strengths without you there. And maybe it's good for YOU to seperate from the tension and build your own as well.
8) and the obvious one: your step kids are here.
Okay, now talk you OUT of coming here:
1) Our winters seriously SUCK. Basically from late October to late March the weather is horrible. snow, rain, ice, gray skies, I hate every minute of it.
2) There is quite a bit of crime and corruption going on in the actual city of Detroit.
3) You would miss your mom and your friends and would have to make a big effort if you wanted to keep connections with them.
4) Living in DC has a lot to offer.
5) ....
ok so I thought I had more negatives, but I guess I don't.
So, I hope that helps you process these thoughts and such.
And if you do move here, I would SOO love to GTG and show you around and whatnot.
I know I should wait until DH gets a job to worry about all this, and I know he will have tons of competition. It's just my mind was churning and I thought putting it here would help me sleep. It worked, I got to sleep pretty soon after going back to bed.
Thanks for the list Jessy. I would LOVE to do a GTG, it would be great to know people besides BM. My question about the area carries a large amount of weight on the Pros/Cons list: Is there decent Thai food to be found around Detroit? I told DH I won't move anywhere again without Thai food because there is NONE in Mississippi. Mexican food is almost as important. I have to live within 15 minutes of both places lol.
I am of no help but laughed bc I hated living near Nashville bu I really miss the great Tex-Mex.
I grew up near Birmingham and still miss some of the restaurants! Since I haven't been back in a number of years, I don't know if my favorite Thai place is still around, I can't say that it was so amazing that it would have survived. But, the Detroit area has the most amazing Middle Eastern restaurants. I can't believe how much I miss ME food. There's quite a selection of Mexican downtown and some GREAT Cuban places as well. Oh! And the packzi's on Fat Tuesday are incredible!
The west side of the state is beautiful, I'm still trying to work out how I can take most of my vacations there. It also seems to be slower to recover and almost in worse-shape than Detroit, in a way.
There are some drawbacks to living there, corruption and politics being a big one that I had a hard time with, but there are few places that are perfect. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about living in Oakland county or Ann Arbor.
honestly, if DH wants to be close to his kids, thats got to be a priority over your mom. sorry if thats harsh or not what you want to hear but if the guy sincerely wants to put an effort in with his kids, thats huge (seems like there are a ton of great reasons to make the move, and a few frustrating reasons not to)
just my .02... I would go
It seems to me that your mom isn't really a good friend to you. She seems to be using you as a one-(wo)man support system and surrogate spouse. If she weren't your mom, I'd advise you to re-evaluate your friendship!
Yes, mother's worry - - that's what they do. But if your mom can't understand your H's desire to be closer to his children and a better father to his children - there is something wrong with her. Sure, the economy could fall again and you could move back, but I think her main concern is herself. It's up to her to create a social life that works for her, whether that mean re-committing herself to her marriage, getting out of an unhappy marriage, or living as-is, but meeting more seniors in her area.
I think you should start weaning yourself off of your mom as it is. Even before your dh starts job hunting, direct her to the local senior center, encourage her to volunteer or to have a hobby where she can meet more friends. And let her know that you can't be her therapist. If she is unhappy, she needs a professional to help her, not her daughter. Even if your dad is horrible, he's your father and you don't deserve to be the sounding board for her marital troubles.
Curly,
are you worried that you will hurt your mom's feelings and basically just dread breaking the news to her OR are you worried because YOU will miss HER and all your family and your besties.
I think you need to first answer this to yourself and that will play a large part.
This comes from someone who lives very very far away from her parents, siblings and childhood friends....and IF you have anxiety that you will miss them too much, I would discourage you from going. It is a huge factor when it comes to your emotional health, I know what I am talking about. I miss my family and friends terribly.
The weather is another thing. If you are one of those people that are largely affected by cold, sleet and dark skies, I would be worried that you'll hate it there. This is honestly the number one reason why I left Iowa for California. Somebody who lives in Michigan once told me that there are two seasons only: Winter and the 4th of July. Brrrrr. Not for me.
Good luck with your decision.
ahhh gotcha. in this case I ditto what WAHOO said then....
In another 8-9 years, your SDs will be grown up and moving on with their own lives, and it would be possible that you could move back to be near your mom again.
I know that sounds like a really long time, but doesn't it seem like 2007 was just a few months ago?
Have you and your H talked about this as a possibility?
there is "Mexican Town" which is right in downtown detroit, and there are seriously, SEVERAL awesome and authentic mexican restuarants. Xcomicollos is my favorite in fact.
And I can also think of at least 3 Thai food places right here in the suburbs (so within 30 minutes of the city center) right off the top of my head. There are more I'm sure, but those are just in my own neighborhood.
And OMG Ann Arbor is fantastic. U of M (the college) is there and there are TERRIFIC restuarants and stuff there.
And the towns around Ann Arbor there are several towns that have awesome school districts. My Skids live in Canton, which is right near Ann Arbor, and they got to pretty good schools.
We are in Madison Heights (which is about 30-45 minutes from Ann Arbor), but since we go out that way to see the Skids, it would definitely be do-able to hook up and do a GTG with you if you moved here.
Since I am a Buckeye I have nothing good to say about my Northern neighbor but....
It sounds like your Mom really NEEDS a change. See if she wants to relocate with you guys. It may be the big change she needs to live a happy life.
I would look into if it sounds promising that he is going to get a job for sure. Also i will tell you that ive lived in michigan all of my life and have loved it. I live in metro detroit currently so if you do move would love to do a G2G as well. As far as food for her we have greektown, mexicantown, chinatown and a bunch of thai places that are great!! Dont let people scare you about the actual city of detriot. Yes, it can be scary but ive never had any issues going down there and the actual center for the city is thriving. There are baseball games to go to, TIGERS as well as hockey games RED WINGS. Also there are tons of places to eat right there as well as the Detroit institute of the arts, the opera house, and a few other theatres that have concerts all of the time.
You also have the advantage of many beaches from the lakes, and we have had a really weird winter this year. Not much snow at all, not even more than 6 inches in the detroit area.The summers are warm and you are about 4-5hrs away from chicago if you wanted to travel. You can make it across the start to lake michigan in 3hrs if you wanted a getaway. Just some ideas but i love living here!!