Now it's my turn to seek some opinions and advice. A brief history of my fun-fun life includes eighteen years of living with depression, several treatment options, a dozen different diagnoses, and an aversion to medication. I've tried a few in the past, but most of the time I felt they didn't help and quit on my own accord. Yes, I know that is a terrible choice, but I was younger and in denial about most things thinking I knew what was best. Being near thirty now and with a LO I feel I shouldn't impact his quality of life with my stubbornness to prove I can do it on my own, because I know I can't. I also dislike counseling probably because I haven't found the right one, but mainly because I don't feel better afterwards and anything that makes me hate life more than normal is something I tend to avoid.
With that said, I know how deep and dark depression can get for me. I am currently on Welbutrin, have been for about ten months. We adjusted the dosage once about six months ago. And for the past few weeks I've been having problems. It's not like depression I know, since it doesn't feel all consuming with no beginning or end. But I get these terribly powerful spells where I will cry all day, then the next I feel fine, even jubilant. I'll hate everyone I know and find reasons why I never want to see them again, then a few hours later I'll think they're super again. I think you get the point, though these aren't the only two extremes. And though these feelings have been there during my depressed times, back then they usually all come at the same time and last for weeks and months, whereas now they're short (comparatively) and singular. Sadness by itself. Anger by itself. Paranoia by itself.
So I'm left to wonder if this is what chemically balanced people feel like on a day to day basis? Is it possible that there's a period where someone's body can build a resistance? I was fine the first four months, then sunk into depression so I wasn't eating, sleeping, showering, you know, the bad stuff, that's why we upped it. Then I was fine for five months and now I'm having these spells every few days.
My husband wants me to talk to my doctor. But I'm worried that this is normal and we may over medicate me for no reason. Or even worse, that it doesn't make sense and so she doesn't believe me or thinks it's drug seeking behavior and something terrible happens like social services intervenes and takes my LO, or I get committed so they can watch me more closely, or they cancel my prescription altogether and I end up back hating life and my child and all the nastiness that comes with that.
So I said to myself, "Self, why don't you just adjust your dosage on your own to see if that works?" Although I haven't yet, I'm wondering if that is the best course of action?
I apologize for how long this appears and how many questions I have. But I thank those of you who stuck with it.