- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
FutureMrsWittig
member
Birthday.
FutureMrsWittig
member
For some reason my ILs have always seen the need to go all out with my SDs birthdays, and BM likes to promise her the moon and all the stars for parties and then not deliver.
It's our turn this year to plan/pay for the birthday party. We have been struggling financially so I will be throwing the party at our house, making the cake, invitations and a lot of the decorations myself... etc. I texted BM last night to set the date. She asked what we were doing and I told her SD has requested a Luau (sp?) theme. BM offerred to have her mother make the invites.
I really don't want to take her up on this. Last year I ended up throwing together (and footing the bill for) a last second party for SD after BM failed to deliver the blow-out she promised. She claims, because her mother never finished the invites! Why would I let her make them?
At the same time I don't want BM to feel like I'm shutting her out. This is her daughter's birthday, and I know she wants to be included. What do I tell her? Are there other ways I can include her... things that won't totally destroy the party if she doesn't follow through?
Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Birthday.
I would not have BMs mother make the invites. Why would you do that? Just say you already picked something out that you are happy with, and leave it at that.
I'm wondering why you feel the need to include BM if she is in charge of planning the party every other year. Isn't that enough? If she is invited, isn't that enough inclusion?
I think there are plenty of opportunities for BM to feel included without giving her responsibility that you are not comfortable delegating. Tell her to wear something a Hawaiian print (or if she has an SO or son, have him wear a Hawaiian shirt), ask her to come a little early to help you string up lights, etc. - but plan ahead enough so that if she doesn't show you aren't scrambling.
I guess I just feel like I know how hard it is not to get to be involved every year. I don't want to make BM feel bad, and SD likes to have her mom involved... Maybe that makes me a little bit of a pushover. But if I didn't get to have my own daughter every year for her birthday I know how sad that would make me...
How old is SD? And this isn't just directed at your post, it's something I've been thinking about since joining this board; why the need to celebrate birthdays with BM at all? Why can't you each have your own parties? I've talked to DH about this and we agree that we'll never have joint parties for our kids. We invite his and my whole family to our parties and if BM was there it'd make things so awkward!! Not just for us, but for our family members. And as much as we try to not let thing get tense with BM in front of the kids, being with her and her SO and family for a couples hours would pretty much inevitably include some tension!
Not flaming you, just wondering on everyone's opinions.
You could let her make the invites but have some back-up, store-bought invites just in case. Let her know that you need them by a certain date and if you don't have them - well, you have your own.
Or, you could maybe have her do favors. No one would miss them if they're not there. However, if she does come through - perfect. There's always game planning, too. Maybe she can design a scavenger hunt or something.
We do separate parties as that's what works for us.
I wouldn't let BM mom do the invites as she dropped the ball last year. Just tell them you have it covered but thanks anyway. It's super awesome of you to try and include BM but maybe there is something less integral to the party that you could ask her to contribute with?
THIS
Just say, "I really appreciate you offering but I have it aaaaallll covered. Thank you tho!" Be real nice about it and then maybe suggest she do something else that doesn't matter if she comes thru on or not.
Do NOT feel guilty for telling her no. It's your year. Enjoy it and don't try to make people happy who don't even appareciate your kindness and can not be trusted.
This, but not because we're tense with BM (in fact we get along with her and her DH really well).
But we still have seperate parties. Because it's just weird to have her family and my family at a gathering together. They don't know each other. They would end up sitting at two seperate ends of the house and we'd have two seperate parties going on anyway. And Skids would feel "split" like they didn't know which group to hang out with.
So, we do seperate parties. The kids get a party at their mom's one weekend and then a party at our house the next weekend. It works out pretty well.
My SD is 8. We have a pretty good relationship with BM most days. I try to keep the peace, because usually it works to my benefit. But this will just be a party for friends. We can't have BMs family in the same place as DHs family or there will probably be bloodshed. Her mom is nuts and my MIL is evil...