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Blended Families
What do you do when kids/stepkids are sick?
When DS is sick, I don't send him over for weekend visit with XH depending on what it is. If it is a cold, no biggie, but if he has fever/throwing up/croup, etc. I keep him home a) because he prefers being in his house with me and b) because XH and his new wife have two kids under 8 and I don't want to spread germs over there since DS shares a room with one of the kids.
Do your SK come over for visits when they are very ill if you already have young children at home? Trying to figure out how to deal with all of the illnesses lately. What creative alternatives do you have? Should the non-custodial parent just do a day visit with the sick child instead of having them come over? Help!
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Re: What do you do when kids/stepkids are sick?
Unless seriously ill, as in cannot be moved, or contagious with a disease that is lfe threatening (and chicken pox is not one of those diseases) I would send my child to her OTHER HOUSE and OTHER PARENT.
Let's be honest here, what would have happened if you and ExH were still married? ExH would have to take care of his child. And what would have happened if your DC came down with the illness at ExH's house? He would have to take care of it AND his kids would have been exposed...just like these kids are exposed to any ill child at school or even the nasties left on the grocery store cart.
When DD was younger BM would keep the kids home to not spread the germs. Now that she's older the kids will comer over with everything except vomiting, but I don't think they've been sick like that on our weekend.
When they stayed home, we either didn't make up the time or switched weekends. We have a really good relationship with BM though so its never been an issue to switch weekends, or do something with the kids on her weekend. Alot probably depends on the relationship you have with them.
So you would peel your 3yo child off of the couch with a 102 degree fever who is shaking with the chills and wimpering and get them dressed and ship them off to their father's house for 30 hours instead of letting them rest at home with you - who is the only person that they want at that moment?
Maybe if the child was older, but I think a 3 year old who is that sick deserves to be left to rest instead of being shuttled off at the risk of becoming sicker. Glad you are not my mom!
If SD is sick, 9 times out of 10 she comes over for visitation, EOWE. We also currently have her for dinner on wednesday nights for like 4 hours, if she is sick (more than just the sniffles) or DS is sick (again more than just the sniffles) we don't do the wednesday nigth thing, since its only a few hours, not worth it to get everyone sick
SD has chronic ear infections and is sent with her medicine and instructions on how to take it. we haven't really delt with her coming down with something and then getting shipped up to us, either she is 4-5 days in and almost well enough so she comes or comes down with something while at our house, in which case we deal with it until visitation is over.
BM refuses to let us make up any lost visitation, so we take every chance we get. SD is 5.
When DS1 still saw BF I didn't let him go when he was sick. BF wasn't a very good parent and I knew DS wouldn't be taken care of the way he needed to be. BF also thought he knew more about medication doses than the bottle or doctors so it could also be a safety issue. The whole situation wasn't normal and there was some neglect going on.
When SS and SD are sick we make a decision on a case by case basis. For each pickup and drop off they have around 2.5 hr car ride and have to switch cars in the middle. We do what is best for them. If they are sick in a way that being in the car for that long would be misrible then we see them another time. If they get sick like that here sometimes they stay longer. If they are that sick needing to be back at BM's for school isn't an issue.
I would make this decision based on how far of a drive the child has total. If it's only 15min then I think they should go. If it's more like an hour then I think they should stay with you. I'd skip the getting dressed part. I'd put them in just enough to get from the house to the car. They can wear a coat or blanket over pjs. At 3 and sick I'd skip shoes since I'd assume they would be carried.
When XH and I first split, I moved back in with my parents for awhile. I ended up taking DS to the same pedi I saw as a child. And that doctor was really firm on the fact that if the child is sick, and it's the NCP's time, the NCP needs to get the child. It gives the child an opportunity to get comfort and care from that parent, it let's the NCP experience that part of parenting, and it gives the CP a bit of a break.
So, for those reasons, I've always tried to make a point to ensure XH gets his parenting time even when DS is sick. Now that XH lives across the country, it would be really hard to cancel something anyway, though.
In the circumstances you describe, I think you could do a couple things. You could either just go forward as scheduled, or you could give them a call, explain the symptoms and circumstances, and see what they want to do. If they want to allow the kiddo to stay at home, maybe ask how they would like to make up the time.
I'm on the single mom board, but what my ex agreed to in writing that we would reschedule the week-end for any extreme illness. Then we defined extreme illness by vomiting, and fever over 102 degrees.
This is mainly because we live a couple hours apart and there's no way I'm driving 1.5hours with a vomiting kid and we don't think it's fair for him to travel that far if he's feeling very bad anyways.
We also have a weather clause in our agreement. We reschedule for extreme weather.
I do believe that I said "unless dangerously ill" and for a toddler a fever of 102 is dangerously ill...so I am not sure how I'm now a bad mom.
But make no mistake, my DH is JUST AS GOOD OF A CAREGIVER AS I AM. And we're my SKs to be kept from him becuase they have a cold or ear infection or puking up their last meal, both of us would be pissed.
BECAUSE KIDS GET SICK. A LOT! If you were to keep them home for ever effing illness, the NCP would never get to see them. And THAT smacks of benign a bad mom.
Ok are you for real? Do you have kids of your own? If so would you TRULY send a very sick child off in the car for any reason other than going to the doctor? I can't even imagine it. Nor can I imagine most kids wanting anyone other than their primary parent when they are sick.
We always take the SKs even when they are sick. When the kids were much younger BM wanted to keep them with her when they were sick and we used to let her, but it started being that one of the 3 kids were sick every time (and I literally mean every visit) and she was basically using it as an excuse to get one on one time with each kid and would not give us replacement time. Finally DH told her that we could care for them just as well as she did and it's his job to care for them if they are sick on his days. If they lived with us, we would all be exposed and dealing with the illness anyway so we don't see that as a valid reason to withhold visitation. Even with the number of people in our household, we have still rarely had a spread of illness.
My ex refuses visits if DD is sick. They also call and cancel visitation anytime EX, SM or DD's sister is sick.
When DD (who was a preemie) was first born (for about the first 4 months) if the Skids were REALLY sick we switched time with BM so that we wouldn't expose DD. But, that being siad, it only happened once in that 4 months. SS had pnuemonia. Our pedi even said to please not bring him around DD because if she caught it (she was only 3 weeks old at the time) it could be REALY awful.
Other times during that 4 months the kids got a cold or two or whatever small bug here or there and we still had them come for visitation.
I'm expecting my 3rd. If the car ride wasn't long and the other parent was nurturing then yes I would send them. Taking care of a sick child is part of parenting. IMO it's important that the child learn that both parents are there to take care of their needs.
My stepkids have not been that I'll when they come, but they've gotten I'll while staying with us. There's been a couple of times when SS has fallen asleep due to illness before they come to us on weekdays and we decided not to get the kids. I jus hate to move them or bother them when they're sick and comfy at their house. My DH also doesn't like to just get 1 or 2 kids. They all 3 come or none and that's fine with BM, but we only live one stoplight away.
this is what we do. 9 times out of 10 BM says to keep her home.
And they become the primary parent BECAUSE they are not allowed to do the hard AND fun stuff.
Unless you have a deadbeat father, YOU (the "primary parent") are creating a situation where the children will never BE COMFORTABLE with their other parent.
And that is a sad condemnation of YOU.
It is actually in my court order that if the girls are sick, they stay home, or are returned to me. Which is a great thing, because my XH refuses to even see them if they have the sniffles, because he doesn't want to get sick.
My SD comes over here unless it is something highly contagious and nasty (her whole family had the stomach virus in January - and we had a 2 month old). We made up that time, though.
I am glad you are not my Mom who does not think a Das is capable of taking care of and. I fitting a sick kid. We never had a sick issue with SD but my DH is very capable of taking care of our little kids we have together. You came here wanting everyone to back you up, don't post here to hear what you want, post hear if you want to hear others opinions. What will happen if your kid gets sick at Dad's house? Oh yes , I am sure you need to run over and bring them to your house, moving them from the comfy couch.
Nah in my case it's not. I put in effort to make ex be a good dad and he didn't try. He has no interest in caring for a sick DS...then he doesn't make a good playmate.
But not every father is like your exhusband. And to condemn women who DID marry men who are perfectly capable of caring for THIER children.
More importantly and AGAIN, your view just reinforces the child's dependency on The custodial parent and thwarts any decent relationship with the NCP. And given the NUMEROUS studies about needing a good relationship with fathers, why wouldn't you (even though in Mom2ones case it may be a moot point) want to foster a good relationship between children and fathers.
Pont every father is a deadbeat dad you know. And most CAN handle their child(ren)'s illnesses if given the opportunity.
And I doubt the Dad in this OP is a deadbeat, if he was this would be a moot point and it would have been stated earlier in this post. Instead the OP is looking for others to pat her on the back for choosing to keep her sick child from the father, if the father is willing to take the child my bet is he is capable, of like I said we would have already been told he is not.
I wouldn't schlep a sick child to another house just so things are EVEN or JUST or whatever. It'st not the best thing to do for the child in that moment. I'm not talking a little sniffle, I'm talking any illness that prevents them from going to school (getting out of bed), when they are just not feeling well, have a fever, flu included.
I also don't think it's necessary to expose babies, other kids, other people in the other household to illness. Really, who is winning here? The stupid argument about "what would you do, if they lived with you full time" doesn't make any sense, because the reality is, that they don't and there are in fact other options in your particular reality. So, why not take all your available options into an account, and make your most appropriate decision for the child based on that. And not based on some what-ifs.
People that play tit for tat are hard to deal with, the inflexibility is pointless. If all adults just acted like adults, they would discuss the fact that the child is sick, it's not the best thing to make them get in the car and go to the other house, possibly infecting everyone over there. So, once the child gets better, the custodial parent just lets the other parent have the missed time on another day. Period.
If the custodial parent is not reasonable and will not let the other parent make up time, go back to court and change your CO so that it will specifically address these circumstances. I still wouldn't schlep my kid all over the place when they are really sick, no matter how big of a moron the other parent is. The child shouldn't have to be paying for that.
Last point, when I was a kid - you bet I wanted my mom to take care of me when I was sick. Dad just lacked the finesse, didn't know how to cook feel-better meals and wasn't as nurturing. Is that so bad that a lot of kids would just prefer to be cared for by their mom when they're not feeling well?
who is to say that ANY father cannot get there given the need? Just becuase he does it DIFFERENTLY from Mom doesn't mean it's wrong. And a child won't KNOW that Daddy's way of comforting is equal or even better than Mom's if he/she isn't given the chance.
I will always prefer MY father to my mother when it comes to taking care of us. HE made us hot chocolate, turned on a great old-fashioned movie and hunkered down with us. MOM might have a softer touch and better hug, but she NEVER snuggled into a movie with us. Hell, she cannot sit down for more than 15 min. That is not what I want for a comforting parent.
Does it suck that Moms, be it in the marriage or as the CP are offered more chances to BE the comforting parent? Sure. But let us all be honest here and acknowledge that it's not ALL the fault of the father (either not being CP or being a lazy parent in the marriage) and recognize we as mothers don't offer up the role of comforting parent or force our lazy hubby's to take over every now and again.
The Mommy Martyr thing Pisses me off to no end. My problem within MY marriage is that DH is too nurturing to SS. He is a great comforting parent and i would have no problem letting my sniffly, sneezing, fever having child head on over to him...becuase he SHOULD NOT MISS OUT ON THIS TYPE OF BONDING PARENTAL MOMENT. NOR SHOULD SHE...
I completely agree with this. Seems like OP you came on here to get a pat on the back or validation for keeping your child home. You didn't really want to hear what other people did with their sick children. It angers me to think that you are conditioning your child to only want you when they are sick when they should be getting that kind of care from both parents.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
I agree with this. This doesn't exactly apply to us since, even when BM did have regular visitation with SD, BM always brought her to us if she was sick. However, if DH and I were not together, it would break my heart to have to prolong the time I didn't see my son, but I can certainly see the logic in this.
High fever and vomiting and such, I can see warranting letting them stay home as long as you let the other parent make up the time. Just asking them to skip the visit is unreasonable. However, a cold or belly ache or just not feeling well (a 3yo can be a good actor), means getting up and going. Letting them decide when they go and don't go is setting up for a bad future and can be damaging to their relationship with their other parent. It is very easy for the parent with majority physical time to manipulate the child's view of their other parent, oftentimes without even realizing it.
The way you phrased that response about "Glad you're not my mom!" made it sound like you are asking for advice but really wanting people to agree with you.
If you and the BF both think that making him move would be detrimental to his recovery, then no problem about keeping him home. But if your main argument is that when he is sick, the child wants his mommy and wants to be in "his house," as you put it, then you need to take a different perspective. Child should see both homes as his home, and not just yours. You should encourage him to feel comfortable at his father's house, and you should allow his father to take responsibility for his parenting time. If you were together, would you really be the only one taking care of your sick child? I hope not.
Parents should be a team, even if they do not live together.
ETA: But as I agreed with the quoted portion above, the fact is that there are two households, and so if trying to keep germs (serious illness only) quarantined if beneficial to both houses, then being able to keep them home is a good option.
I love this point. And I hope my response a few minutes ago did not make it sound like I was encouraging a CP to keep a child home if they are not feeling well. I believe I said only keep them home if moving them would be detrimental to their recovery.
But back to current point of focus (bolded above), I know that I tend to do this without even thinking about it in my own marriage. DH has to remind me to give up the reins all too often. But I love seeing the wonderful relationship my kids have with their father. And I love the break, especially when there is more demand for attention, as in when they are sick.
Why does this have to be a mom v dad situation?
Personally I probably wouldn't send my sick kid anywhere because they are sick not because I am being controlling or bitchy.
If I were sick I would HATE to have to get up get dressed and head off to another house.
Likewise If my kid was at their fathers and got sick I would expect him to be able to call me and say 'hey he/she is sick I'm not going to move him off the couch'.
SS comes with colds, coughs etc. BUT he has never come when he is really sick. He has also been sick at our house and does just fine there.
OP examine your own motives? If you are doing it in the best interest of your child then continue to do it. If you are looking for excuses to withhold visitation then you are hurting your child to further your own cause.