Ever disagree on a major parenting decision with DH?

sunandsand · March 2012

We've only squabbled on minor things and were able to compromise on them.

This time its a bigger issue. I don't want to paint him in a bad light. He is a very caring father, but a very "go with the flow" wait and see type.

DS started speech therapy at 19 months. He was almost a year behind and caught up in about 6 months. DH participated in speech sessions, but did voice that he didn't particularly care for our therapist. She was very hands off and let us make all the decisions. Every session was "What are your goals this week?" and "How can I help you reach those goals" and rarely offered suggestions or ideas of her own. I am sure she was trained this way, but he didn't care for it.

DS no longer qualifies for ST through the county but his therapist asked if we want to continue with the school districts therapy when he turns 3. He wouldnt qualify for speech but she believes he would for behavior therapy. Today our ST brought a BT over to observe DS.

Everyone here has heard me complain about how active my child is, he was evaluated for SPD but too young to diagnose as anything more than highly sensory seeking. He is a very extreme example of a 2 year old...pushing buttons, testing limits, and rarely do traditional discipline techniques seem to work. Would rather run and jump and crash than play with toys. I have to tell him not to do something 6 times a day, every single day. Most family members will not babysit him for an extended amount of time.

DH's opinion is that he will grow out of it, its just his age, and we should let him be a 2 year old. He does not want to put him in preschool this year, and he does not want to enter the school district therapy. He thinks if his lack of focus/inability to follow directions is still an issue in preschool at 4, we work with his teacher to come up with a solution, and thinks that watching the other kids will show him what to do. FWIW, he does mimic other children well.

ST and BT disagree, they think he needs someone to come work with him weekly on structure, following directions, etc. Their example was that a BT might train him to sit on a carpet square and play with a puzzle until the timer goes off, not let him wander from toy to toy. I should also mention that the morning we would have to do BT is the only day that all 4 of us are home at the same time and usually take that time to go out to a park/play gym/etc. so we would lose out on that family time.

I see both sides and am kind of torn myself. I've been doing research on preschools, and putting him in one this year is really going to push us financially. IN addition to paying for PS, which will be $150/mo at the very least, we will still have to pay our sitter her daily fee to watch him after PS on Thursdays, plus find someone to transport him from school to the sitter. Regular 3's PS is T/R 8-1130, extended day until 230...I can't pick up until 6 on Thursdays. Or put him in MWF PS and pay for 3 days instead of the minimum 2.

I am just so torn. I can see how my son would benefit from both BT and PS. But I don't want to dismiss my H's feelings or stress us out financially, and he very well could do just fine in a traditional school setting later on. I'm sorry this is so long and rambly.

livinitup · March 2012

I would absolutely find and pay for an age appropriate program for him. I have child care two days a week and 1/2 day preschool (3 yo) two days a week for DD and it is wonderful for her development and energy. She's not even an over active child but I see a HUGE difference in her quality time at home after the activity of her programs. There is no way I would hope that she would "catch up" later if I could get her into a really good spot now.

I'd expand your search from traditional preschool, to a child care center. It sounds like you need child care, at least, on Thursdays. I didn't quite follow your schedule and needs (what is T/R ?) - but do suggest you re-look at child care vs. traditoinal preschool. My child care center functions as a really, good preschool (lesson plans, recreation, play, social/emotional development) but its open from 6 am - 6 pm. Most SAHM's wouldn't think of it for "preschool" but that is what it is. If you compare costs and needs, you might be better off with 2 days at a center or a mix of 1/2 days at a preschool and at least one full day on Thursday.

But yes, a program is best. And it's okay to explore those options even if your DH is convinced otherwise. You still have a lot of information and options to sort before you can come to a good decision on the matter.

bebemama · March 2012

That is a tough disagreement to be in. DH and I had similar discussions when I was wanting to seek speech therapy for DS1 when he was a toddler. No one else i our family agreed that it was necessary and of course at times I questioned it too since I didn't have support. I eventually went forward and he qualified, I figured it was win/win (get help/don't need help) and I would "know" if I made the right decision.

I think if the behavioral therapist thinks he needs it then he needs it. Also, you are the one with him primarily, I am sure you could use the support with getting his behavior on track to make your days better.

Good luck.

EastCoastBride · March 2012

DS has been in ST since right before his 2nd b-day, so close to 1.5 years now. At the age of 3, he transferred to the school ST and actually goes TO his elemantary school for his sessions.

O.k. - my experience. His previous therapy involved the SLT coming to my parents house and doing his sessions there. (Side note- I feel your SLT should have been more proactive w/ goals. SHE'S the expert - not you. Yes, she wants your input on what he's doing, where you see issues, but it sounds like she may have put a little too much on you.)

I can tell that there were frustrations w/ that - he wanted to eat, he would get up and go off and want to play w/ other toys. He would actually tell the SLT that he was done w/ the session. It was almost TOO comfortable at my parents house.

That was one of the reasons we moved him to the school ST - he goes to her office and they do their thing alone, just the two of them. From all reports - he always seems to do really well and I've seen even more improvement (now it's ennunciation!). I think being in a contained environment w/ no distractions of food, his toys, his grandparents - he does better.

I woudl actually see if this is an option. It might help.

Past that - to your DS's specific (undiagnosed) issues. 3 out of 4 of you feel there is reason to be concerned. I get that your DH is laid back, but.... if there are genuine issues, the earlier you start to tackle them and get a handle on them, I feel the better.

sunandsand · March 2012

livinitup:
I would absolutely find and pay for an age appropriate program for him. I have child care two days a week and 1/2 day preschool (3 yo) two days a week for DD and it is wonderful for her development and energy. She's not even an over active child but I see a HUGE difference in her quality time at home after the activity of her programs. There is no way I would hope that she would "catch up" later if I could get her into a really good spot now.

I'd expand your search from traditional preschool, to a child care center. It sounds like you need child care, at least, on Thursdays. I didn't quite follow your schedule and needs (what is T/R ?) - but do suggest you re-look at child care vs. traditoinal preschool. My child care center functions as a really, good preschool (lesson plans, recreation, play, social/emotional development) but its open from 6 am - 6 pm. Most SAHM's wouldn't think of it for "preschool" but that is what it is. If you compare costs and needs, you might be better off with 2 days at a center or a mix of 1/2 days at a preschool and at least one full day on Thursday.

But yes, a program is best. And it's okay to explore those options even if your DH is convinced otherwise. You still have a lot of information and options to sort before you can come to a good decision on the matter.

We only need childcare on Thursdays. Some daycare centers will take my son part time (at a highter daily rate), but no daycares will take my infant part time due to low ratios. So we would have to put the kids in separate childcare situations, and pay our sitter more to keep her since we would lose the 2nd child discount. So instead of paying $62/week for childcare, we would probably end up paying $150/wk for childcare ($50/day for DS to go to a center 2 days per week, plus $50/day for DD to go to a babysitter once a week) when we really just need Thursdays. I'm still looking into centers though.

Angela814 · March 2012

sunandsand:
He thinks if his lack of focus/inability to follow directions is still an issue in preschool at 4, we work with his teacher to come up with a solution, and thinks that watching the other kids will show him what to do.

I don't really have any experience, but I really wanted to say I disagree with this line completely. Waiting until your child is 4 yo is just going to make changing any undesired behavior more difficult. I think your DH is wrong with his logic.

If BT doesn't fit into your schedule right now, I'd at least make sure to get him into a more structured preschool program.

shouldbworkin · March 2012

if he would qualify for BT thru the district, wouldn't he qualify for district EI preschool too? I would try to go that route. I definitely think he needs to be in PS for the structure, but not just any PS. At the same time, I do agree with YH a bit. I think YH may be leaning to a Dx that can't be made at 2 y/o and something that therapy can help with, but won't cure at 2 y/o. FWIW, I would consider seeing a child psychologist for help for all of you. It's not just your DS that will need help with his behavior, but it is nice to have tools at home to deal with it too.

sunandsand · March 2012

shouldbworkin:
if he would qualify for BT thru the district, wouldn't he qualify for district EI preschool too? I would try to go that route. I definitely think he needs to be in PS for the structure, but not just any PS. At the same time, I do agree with YH a bit. I think YH may be leaning to a Dx that can't be made at 2 y/o and something that therapy can help with, but won't cure at 2 y/o. FWIW, I would consider seeing a child psychologist for help for all of you. It's not just your DS that will need help with his behavior, but it is nice to have tools at home to deal with it too.

District EI is for 4 year olds only. They also give priority to low income, which We just barely don't qualify for

shouldbworkin · March 2012

sunandsand:
District EI is for 4 year olds only. They also give priority to low income, which We just barely don't qualify for

I would do BT this year then and look into District EI at 4 y/o. I don't think 2 yrs of PS is absolutely necessary, especially if he will be receiving BT to work on things.

sunandsand · March 2012

shouldbworkin:
if he would qualify for BT thru the district, wouldn't he qualify for district EI preschool too? I would try to go that route. I definitely think he needs to be in PS for the structure, but not just any PS. At the same time, I do agree with YH a bit. I think YH may be leaning to a Dx that can't be made at 2 y/o and something that therapy can help with, but won't cure at 2 y/o. FWIW, I would consider seeing a child psychologist for help for all of you. It's not just your DS that will need help with his behavior, but it is nice to have tools at home to deal with it too.

District EI is for 4 year olds only. They also give priority to low income, which We just barely don't qualify for

sunandsand · March 2012

shouldbworkin:
sunandsand:
District EI is for 4 year olds only. They also give priority to low income, which We just barely don't qualify for

I would do BT this year then and look into District EI at 4 y/o. I don't think 2 yrs of PS is absolutely necessary, especially if he will be receiving BT to work on things.

Should have mentioned He isn't going to kinder until 6. So if We send him this yr, its 3 yrs of ps

sunandsand · March 2012

-auntie-:
Some random thoughts-

1. Dads are less tuned in to what typical child behavior looks like, so one must consider their opinions in that context. I appreciate that you want to repect your husband's role as a parent, but this could come at a tremendous cost.

2. Even when a dad does come around to the idea that their child has issues, the tend to be well behind the learning curve compared to mom and seldom ever have the same sense of urgency.

3. Dads often avoid labels and services because accepting them feels somehow disloyal. A lot of times dads come to the party with the notion that admitting to a problem is akin to not loving the child.

4. When two professionals who are experts in the norms of preschool behavior, and who have no financial stake in your decsions, suggest services you should weigh their opinions very carefully.

5. Sometimes dads feel a responsibility for a challenging child if they too grew up with stories of being a tough customer. If this is your husband, he may feel guilt at being the source of the problem. Or he may feel insulted by association. Bottom line- it's not about him.

6. If he qualifies, he may get a behavior-based preschool via the school district at no cost. This would be the best of all possible worlds. He'd get behavior support at no cost to you.

7. If your son continues as he is, family time is going to be a lot less pleasant. This can be a turn off to a dad who may become less engaged over time the same way your family members have pulled away from caring for him for extended periods.

8. You don't get a do over. At the end of the day, I would rather look back and regret having done too much for my son in terms of therapy than too little.

9. Do nothing and nothing will change.

I like what you're saying, and I always look forward to your responses. But I'm still trying to.find a tactful way of saying " I get the final decision bc I'm the mom" bc We are talking in circles now so there's no way to do this without basically stating that.

Littlejen22 · March 2012

If your child has a diagnosable condition he will not outgrow it without help, it sounds like your DH is either naive or just in denial but if he qualifies there is a reason, they do not give preschool slots for no reason.

shouldbworkin · March 2012

sunandsand:
shouldbworkin:

sunandsand:
District EI is for 4 year olds only. They also give priority to low income, which We just barely don't qualify for

I would do BT this year then and look into District EI at 4 y/o. I don't think 2 yrs of PS is absolutely necessary, especially if he will be receiving BT to work on things.

Should have mentioned He isn't going to kinder until 6. So if We send him this yr, its 3 yrs of ps

Not sure what YH is arguing with you about here. Sounds like PS isn't in the budget, he has plenty of time for PS and he qualifies for services (that I'm guessing YH won't have to take him to) that can only be helpful. Is it a decision you have to make now? Can you put it on the back burner and revisit later? Even if you have to make the decision now, it's not like he HAS to go if something changes. I might approach it that way.

DandelionMom · March 2012

I wish I had advice about therapies, etc. But I can say that when DH and I haven't agreed, we usually go with the person that is willing to do the most research. So, you win, imo.

justEK · March 2012

Has your DH actually told you why he disagrees with everything other than "he'll grow out of it?" Have you asked him if all of this makes him feel somehow embarrassed?

Your DH should know that your DS's issues are not new and many children have some of the same stuff going on. That's why there are so many programs to help. He may grow out of it, but the programs will only help him along.

It just sounds like your DH is embarrassed or ashamed. I couldn't imagine not wanting to get my child the help that he needs and is recommended. Maybe he needs more time to process it all?

virginiamorse · March 2012

This seems odd to me. My DS is Autistic and I don't recall ever meeting a behavior therapist. If you think he may be SPD request an eval at the school district for when he turns 3, if anything I'd expect OT services. I would not persue BT at age 2, doesn't seem appropriate to me, but OT could do wonders for him. Also (of course not knowing your kid) I would pick family time over therapy at his age/degree of impairment.

As for preschool, wait and see if he qualifies for the (free) preschool because of his impairments. And really work on getting an OT eval.

virginiamorse · March 2012

And Early Intervention is Birth to age 3 program, at age 3 the school district takes over. And him qualifying for special ed services has nothing to do with income.

sunandsand · March 2012

I should have mentioned, He doesn't qualify for OT, he's been evaluated. BC he doesn't actually carry an SPD dx and his sensory seeking behavior doesn't cause him to have any delays. He's smart, a quick learner, great eater, etc. Just acts like a turd, LOL

virginiamorse · March 2012

sunandsand:
I should have mentioned, He doesn't qualify for OT, he's been evaluated. BC he doesn't actually carry an SPD dx and his sensory seeking behavior doesn't cause him to have any delays. He's smart, a quick learner, great eater, etc. Just acts like a turd, LOL

I'll be honest with you, based on the info you've given it sounds like you're looking for something to be wrong. I agree with your H, give the kid some time to mature, if you still have concerns near his 3rd birthday call your school district for an eval.

justEK · March 2012

virginiamorse:
sunandsand:
I should have mentioned, He doesn't qualify for OT, he's been evaluated. BC he doesn't actually carry an SPD dx and his sensory seeking behavior doesn't cause him to have any delays. He's smart, a quick learner, great eater, etc. Just acts like a turd, LOL

I'll be honest with you, based on the info you've given it sounds like you're looking for something to be wrong. I agree with your H, give the kid some time to mature, if you still have concerns near his 3rd birthday call your school district for an eval.

I will say that we had some concerns with my DS and decided to wait a little while. He's now 3 and a total different kid. He still has his moments, but he's so much better than he was. And, he is in a preschool program 3 days a week 3 hours a day.

sunandsand · March 2012

virginiamorse:
sunandsand:
I should have mentioned, He doesn't qualify for OT, he's been evaluated. BC he doesn't actually carry an SPD dx and his sensory seeking behavior doesn't cause him to have any delays. He's smart, a quick learner, great eater, etc. Just acts like a turd, LOL

I'll be honest with you, based on the info you've given it sounds like you're looking for something to be wrong. I agree with your H, give the kid some time to mature, if you still have concerns near his 3rd birthday call your school district for an eval.

I was the one who told ST We wouldn't be continuing services with the school district when He turned 3. That's when she suggested she bring the BT before We decided for a 2nd opinion. FWIW, our Parents As Teachers lady thinks He will be fine w/o BT, so even the professionals are giving us mixed reviews!

sunandsand · March 2012

virginiamorse:
sunandsand:
I should have mentioned, He doesn't qualify for OT, he's been evaluated. BC he doesn't actually carry an SPD dx and his sensory seeking behavior doesn't cause him to have any delays. He's smart, a quick learner, great eater, etc. Just acts like a turd, LOL

I'll be honest with you, based on the info you've given it sounds like you're looking for something to be wrong. I agree with your H, give the kid some time to mature, if you still have concerns near his 3rd birthday call your school district for an eval.

I was the one who told ST We wouldn't be continuing services with the school district when He turned 3. That's when she suggested she bring the BT before We decided for a 2nd opinion. FWIW, our Parents As Teachers lady thinks He will be fine w/o BT, so even the professionals are giving us mixed reviews!

PoundCake · March 2012

My DD is 5 and was diagnosed with SPD at 3. Before that she had EI services. She just finished another round of OT for eating/texture issues. She does the same thing as your son with jumping off couch, etc. But she also seeks out pressure in that I have to hug her a lot with pressure, she needs to sleep with a heavy blanket, I do a brush technique on her. My other DD will be 3 this month and she jumps off the couch a lot, doesn't listen well, won't sit still, etc. But has no other symptoms. If he has no other symptoms, I'd probably wait to see if things change.

debs1018 · March 2012

Honestly, you should really contact your local school district and have a set of evals done. Those evals can start as early as 2.9. Based on what they see and what they recommend, I would then have a discussion with the H. I don't think the ST has given you enough information. As for the PP suggesting you are looking for something was pretty shitty! And the absolutely have behavior txs for autistic kids as well as other SN kids. Have those evals done. Knowledge is power.

sparklenshine_89 · March 2012

sunandsand:
virginiamorse:

sunandsand:
I should have mentioned, He doesn't qualify for OT, he's been evaluated. BC he doesn't actually carry an SPD dx and his sensory seeking behavior doesn't cause him to have any delays. He's smart, a quick learner, great eater, etc. Just acts like a turd, LOL

I'll be honest with you, based on the info you've given it sounds like you're looking for something to be wrong. I agree with your H, give the kid some time to mature, if you still have concerns near his 3rd birthday call your school district for an eval.

I was the one who told ST We wouldn't be continuing services with the school district when He turned 3. That's when she suggested she bring the BT before We decided for a 2nd opinion. FWIW, our Parents As Teachers lady thinks He will be fine w/o BT, so even the professionals are giving us mixed reviews!

I agree with PP about waiting it out a little unless you see him regressing. Maybe do your own research about how to handle him the way a BT would.

Want a personalized experience?

Ever disagree on a major parenting decision with DH?

Re: Ever disagree on a major parenting decision with DH?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards