Those of you who see a counselor/therapist, come in.

ChloBub · March 2012

After being at "rock bottom" again over the last two days and finding out that my insurance covers 8 sessions for free, I'm ready to pursue this. I guess I'm just looking for any or all advice you have about finding a specific therapist. Did you find a good match right away? How much did you share while looking? Any horror stories? Anything I should expect? My insurance will let me redo my 8 sessions if I find out that the person I've chosen isn't a good match after 1 or 2, but I just wanted to hear from those of you who can speak to this. TIA!

happytobemrs.m · March 2012

I saw one a lot time ago for another issue I was going through. I lucked out and liked the first that I met with, but I got the referral from a close friend that I was able to discuss the issue with. I preferred a female therapist, so that was one criteria. Also, depending on the issue- some therapists focus on certain issues, you may want to ask about that. GL

FreyaWin2382 · March 2012

Hi sweet lady!

I began seeing a therapist two weeks ago (so, shortly following our last loss) and I feel that it has been very helpful. I specifically looked for a therapist that specializes in grief counseling and family change and relationships. I have a good friend who has lost four babies to m/c, and she had told me a horror story about how she just went to "a therapist" and the lady had no idea how to deal with a woman suffering the loss of a pregnancy. So, I made sure that I asked when I called if they had any experience with that and/or felt comfortable with it.

As for what to expect, we spend the session talking (duh, right?) but I am allowed to kind of lead where the discussion goes and the therapist cues me for more information or interjects ideas. The biggest thing that seeing her has helped me with is just having someone validate what I am feeling as being right/normal and it is such a relief to talk to someone IRL whose feelings I don't have to worry about hurting, or worry what they are thinking of me.

((HUGS)) to you for the past couple of days. I am thinking and praying for you.

Mrs Carbo · March 2012

Therapy is an amazing tool. Congratulations on deciding to take that step.

I went to therapy during my last 2 years of college and for about a year after that for an eating disorder. It helped me enormously and I have been recovered ever since.

Most counselors have areas of expertise. I would look for someone who's area is loss or grief. If their specialties are not listed with the insurance company, you can always google since a lot of docs have websites. You can also request a counselor who specializes in loss and grief. The doctors office staff should be able to match you with a counselor based on a brief reasoning. You shouldn't have to go into too much detail if you don't want to, but definitely don't be worried about "over" sharing. I personally always felt comfortable with a woman since I felt like they were more understanding of my situation.

Honestly, the past few months after my m/c have been extremely hard, but I truly believe the skills I gained when I used to go to therapy helped me deal with my emotions tremendously.

Good luck, I hope you start feeling better very soon.

shanrob · March 2012

I've recently made the decision to see a therapist. Basically, because my last two losses were after seeing a healthy heartbeat and given the thumbs up, I fear that I won't ever be able to relax with a new pregnancy, even after having a good ultrasound.

Here's what I did: I looked up some local psychologists on our insurance website. I knew I wanted a woman, so that narrowed it down. I called one of them first and basically said that I was interested in hearing more about her practice. I could tell right away that we wouldn't click (don't ask me how, though...just a feeling). I told her that I was in the process of evaluating my options. The second call, I got through to the therapist and she seemed great. I made an appt for a couple weeks from now, so I will let you know how it goes.

Sorry I can't offer more insight to the process, just wanted to let you know I am right along side you!

Deethebee · March 2012

It may take a few tries to find someone you click with. Don't feel pressured to stay with someone you're not comfortable with. I tried seeing a psychologist, unrelated to my loss, and after my 2nd visit I knew I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I agree with PP that it would help to ask what they specialize in.

ChloBub · March 2012

FreyaWin2382:
Hi sweet lady!
I began seeing a therapist two weeks ago (so, shortly following our last loss) and I feel that it has been very helpful. I specifically looked for a therapist that specializes in grief counseling and family change and relationships. I have a good friend who has lost four babies to m/c, and she had told me a horror story about how she just went to "a therapist" and the lady had no idea how to deal with a woman suffering the loss of a pregnancy. So, I made sure that I asked when I called if they had any experience with that and/or felt comfortable with it.
As for what to expect, we spend the session talking (duh, right?) but I am allowed to kind of lead where the discussion goes and the therapist cues me for more information or interjects ideas. The biggest thing that seeing her has helped me with is just having someone validate what I am feeling as being right/normal and it is such a relief to talk to someone IRL whose feelings I don't have to worry about hurting, or worry what they are thinking of me.
((HUGS)) to you for the past couple of days. I am thinking and praying for you.

This is such a benefit. My DH and friends and even my pastor have been so great, but I feel like I need someone completely removed from my real life. Thank you for your response. (((HUGS))) back to you. XO

ChloBub · March 2012

Mrs Carbo:
Therapy is an amazing tool. Congratulations on deciding to take that step.
I went to therapy during my last 2 years of college and for about a year after that for an eating disorder. It helped me enormously and I have been recovered ever since.
Most counselors have areas of expertise. I would look for someone who's area is loss or grief. If their specialties are not listed with the insurance company, you can always google since a lot of docs have websites. You can also request a counselor who specializes in loss and grief. The doctors office staff should be able to match you with a counselor based on a brief reasoning. You shouldn't have to go into too much detail if you don't want to, but definitely don't be worried about "over" sharing. I personally always felt comfortable with a woman since I felt like they were more understanding of my situation.
Honestly, the past few months after my m/c have been extremely hard, but I truly believe the skills I gained when I used to go to therapy helped me deal with my emotions tremendously.
Good luck, I hope you start feeling better very soon.

Great advice. And I think that's it - knowing how to deal with my emotions, not getting rid of them. Thanks so much for the encouragement and empathy.

ChloBub · March 2012

shanrob:
I've recently made the decision to see a therapist. Basically, because my last two losses were after seeing a healthy heartbeat and given the thumbs up, I fear that I won't ever be able to relax with a new pregnancy, even after having a good ultrasound.
Here's what I did: I looked up some local psychologists on our insurance website. I knew I wanted a woman, so that narrowed it down. I called one of them first and basically said that I was interested in hearing more about her practice. I could tell right away that we wouldn't click (don't ask me how, though...just a feeling). I told her that I was in the process of evaluating my options. The second call, I got through to the therapist and she seemed great. I made an appt for a couple weeks from now, so I will let you know how it goes.
Sorry I can't offer more insight to the process, just wanted to let you know I am right along side you!

Knowing you're where I am is just as much of a help. Thanks so much. I'd love to keep up to date with how it's going for you, too.

ChloBub · March 2012

Deethebee:
It may take a few tries to find someone you click with. Don't feel pressured to stay with someone you're not comfortable with. I tried seeing a psychologist, unrelated to my loss, and after my 2nd visit I knew I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I agree with PP that it would help to ask what they specialize in.

Luckily I'm not much of a people pleaser so I'll be okay to walk away if I need to. I'm pretty big on "feeling it out," and if it doesn't feel right, I'm outta there. Thanks for your response, Dee.

GatorBaby2012 · March 2012

Therapy has been a fantastic thing for me, and I'm glad you're exploring it!

For me, I got a referral for a therapist from my OB's office, thinking they would know of ones that deal with women's issues, whether it be pregnancy loss, PPD, etc. My first appointment with that practice was with a MD to evaluate my mental state from a physical/medical standpoint, make sure I didn't need to be medicated, that I wasn't a danger to myself or others, etc. Standard procedure. At that appt, I explained that I didn't want to be medicated but really just wanted a shoulder to cry on as well as coping tools. She suggested one of the therapists in their practice that deals with women's issues, and at that point referred me to her. Luckily, that therapist and I hit it off really well. I have been going every two weeks, most sessions are an hour long, but some only a half hour if there were scheduling conflicts. I was very skeptical about it at first, but she has given me so many tools to deal with my issues. She also will go off topic at times and ask me about other things, and it is amazing how the link between other aspects about my life with my losses and TTCALing. She really gets to the root of issues, and then gives me tools to deal with those as well.

I think you will find that it is an amazing experience, and I hope you find someone that fits your needs.

ChloBub · March 2012

happytobemrs.m:
I saw one a lot time ago for another issue I was going through. I lucked out and liked the first that I met with, but I got the referral from a close friend that I was able to discuss the issue with. I preferred a female therapist, so that was one criteria. Also, depending on the issue- some therapists focus on certain issues, you may want to ask about that. GL

Thanks so much for your response. I'll definitely make sure to ask about her specialty.

ChloBub · March 2012

GatorBaby2012:
Therapy has been a fantastic thing for me, and I'm glad you're exploring it!
For me, I got a referral for a therapist from my OB's office, thinking they would know of ones that deal with women's issues, whether it be pregnancy loss, PPD, etc. My first appointment with that practice was with a MD to evaluate my mental state from a physical/medical standpoint, make sure I didn't need to be medicated, that I wasn't a danger to myself or others, etc. Standard procedure. At that appt, I explained that I didn't want to be medicated but really just wanted a shoulder to cry on as well as coping tools. She suggested one of the therapists in their practice that deals with women's issues, and at that point referred me to her. Luckily, that therapist and I hit it off really well. I have been going every two weeks, most sessions are an hour long, but some only a half hour if there were scheduling conflicts. I was very skeptical about it at first, but she has given me so many tools to deal with my issues. She also will go off topic at times and ask me about other things, and it is amazing how the link between other aspects about my life with my losses and TTCALing. She really gets to the root of issues, and then gives me tools to deal with those as well.
I think you will find that it is an amazing experience, and I hope you find someone that fits your needs.

I've thought about asking the leader of my support group for recommendations. She's an RN at my OB's office. Glad to hear that's what you did, too.

And that's something I hadn't thought of, that other areas of my life will affect or influence my loss and TTCAL. Good to know! Thanks so much for your response, GB.

aussiedaze · March 2012

I just wanted to offer ((HUGE HUGS)) and say I'm sorry you're feeling down.

ChloBub · March 2012

jenek0213:
I'm a big proponent of therapy - especially after all we TTCAL ladies have been through. I love my therapist! Don't know what I would have done without her during this last year of h*ll.
What I did when I was scouting for a therapist is call several and talk for a few minutes on the phone with them. I asked about their specialties and the type of patient issues that they worked with. Just got a general "feel" for them as a person.
I gave broad overview of the issues I was dealing with and looking for help with as the time (this was long before my m/cs). If hypothetically, if I was looking again I would say something like "My husband and I are dealing with some infertility issues and loss. I also have a parent with a terminal illness. I'm looking for help working through these issues and managing my grief and my anxiety."
Most of the therapists were responsive and were very honest if they felt that they couldn't help me. And actually, one of the ones that didn't feel she was right for me recommended another LCSW, who is actually now my therapist! I followed her recommendation and called, talked to my therapist on the phone, liked her and so I made an appointment. I was lucky that we "clicked" right away and I have been very fortunate in her.
So that's what i would recommend. Spend 5 minutes on the phone, talking and then decide who to make the appointment with. If it doesn't work with the first appointment - walk away.
Above all - it is important that you feel COMFORTABLE with your therapist, that you feel you can trust their advice. If you don't feel relaxed and comfortable enough to talk with them - you're wasting time and money with that therapist and not helping yourself. It doesn't mean anything bad about the therapist if it doesn't work. Different people have different needs and personalities and need different therapists. They should NOT be offended if you go elsewhere.Therapy is supposed to work for you and help you so find the person that can provide that.
Good luck, sweetie! Let us know how it goes!

This is all excellent advice. I especially like what you said about having a sort of "talking point" prepared (maybe that wasn't your intention, but it was a good take-away for me!). Thank you so much, jenek.

ChloBub · March 2012

aussiedaze:
I just wanted to offer ((HUGE HUGS)) and say I'm sorry you're feeling down.

Thanks, aussie. XO

ChloBub · March 2012

RosiePeare:
Finally--a question I feel like I can help with! (So often, I feel like a newbie who's just receiving support--which is awesome for me--but I also want to be a supportive TTCAL member!)
Before our loss--even before our BFP--my husband was begging me to see a therapist. I have a lot of body image issues, and he was really concerned about how they'd affect me once I got pregnant. Like you, my insurance covers my sessions, so DH did some research and found a woman who specialized in eating/body issues. He gave me the number, which I promptly tucked in my wallet and ignored.
When our loss happened, I realized that I really did need someone to talk to--but I really wanted to work on some of the deeper-seated issues and gain new ways of re-framing my thinking. Not trusting DH's rec, I talked to our school counselor (I'm a teacher) who I love and asked if she had recommendations. Long story short, she gave me a list of three names, and the one at the top was the same woman DH had found. I called her that night and explained the situation (that I had body image issues and that we'd had a miscarriage the week before), we clicked on the phone, and I've been seeing her for about six weeks now. I love her!
I was really vocal at the outset about what I wanted; some people just want to vent while other people need to immediately arrest some behaviors. For me, though, therapy is about having specific tasks to work on each week and trying to change the way I think in situations (since I tend to feel a lot of anxiety about being judged). For example, my current homework assignment is to complete at least one blog entry a week and to check in with myself and see how it feels to say "I'm doing the very best I can right now" at different points throughout the day.
I guess that's really more my story than any advice--but I hope it helps! FX you find someone wonderful--keep us updated!!

You're off to a good start with this post. Extremely helpful and supportive - thank you! I like to hear that you've been very specific about what you want and that you have "homework." That will help me.

I've also started a blog, and I've given myself the homework assignment of blogging once a week. Would you mind sharing your blog with me? Thanks again.

KacyChicago · March 2012

I haven't decided whether or not I want to talk to someone yet, although I would in a heartbeat if the time comes that I know I NEED it.

I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for taking this step. I hope that whomever you find to talk to is just who you need. Have you asked your OB-GYN for a recommendation? Mine told me at my follow-up that she had someone I could meet with if I needed to, and I always keep that in the back of my mind.

Just know there are a lot of ladies out there thinking about you!

hungryhippo · March 2012

I started with a therapist that works in the OBGYN dept of the hospital where I was getting care. The therapist I was referred to wasn't available right away but another therapist in that group was.

I found that my therapist was fairly well in tune with the medical advice I was getting. She knew a lot about what my medical experiences had been and was able to incorporate that into my sessions, which I liked.

I also kinda got the sense that she was seeing other clients who had later losses and I internalized that into "I'm not bereaved enough to be here", which isn't at all true, but I had trouble shaking the feeling. Also, I had to sit in the same OB waiting room as all the pregnant ladies and women with newborns when I went for my appointments.

I later discovered that part of my need for therapy was coming from the effects of loss on my performance at work and the major guilt I was having from that. I ended up seeking another therapist outside of the hospital through my EAP program and that was a better fit in terms of the work topic.

I'm not in therapy right now, partly due to cost and partly because I found that on the days I needed to talk, I didn't have an appointment, but on the days of my appointments sometimes I just didn't feel like talking about it. If/when I go back, I might try the hospital therapist again. I kind of miss her specific expertise.

smcjmk09 · March 2012

KacyChicago:
I haven't decided whether or not I want to talk to someone yet, although I would in a heartbeat if the time comes that I know I NEED it.
I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for taking this step. I hope that whomever you find to talk to is just who you need. Have you asked your OB-GYN for a recommendation? Mine told me at my follow-up that she had someone I could meet with if I needed to, and I always keep that in the back of my mind.
Just know there are a lot of ladies out there thinking about you!

This exactly! Thinking of you and sending hugs. So sorry you're struggling right now.

maxsom · March 2012

I don't have any advice about counseling, but I just wanted to give you *hugs*. I chart stalked you this morning and was so bummed for you. Hopefully you'll find a great fit and can find some healing in counseling.

mijakach · March 2012

Oh hunny, I am so sorry. I just want to give you a bunch of ((Hugs)).

I don't really have much advice because I'm in the same situation. There are people who are worried about me and think I really should start seeing a therapist. I did have to go to a psychologist when I was younger because of issues I had as a kid and being harassed by other kids. I was definitely embarassed about it. I didn't want it to get to a point where I have to see someone again but I know it may be the best choice. AF is due in about a week and if I have as bad of a breakdown as I've had the past few months, I think it may be time. I know it's not good for me to cry and be so miserable almost all the time.

I really have no idea the best way to go about finding the right person but I'll definitely have to read through this thread later when I have more time.

Good luck to you! I'm proud of you for being able to take that step. I know I need to take that step soon...I just need to work up the courage to do it.

ufsandra85 · March 2012

I love my therapist I've only been twice but but she is great and has really helped. I'm glad you are doing this because it really helps to talk to someone. I hope it helps!

buckeyebaby814 · March 2012

I've considered going before but I personally have not. When I was looking for counselors, I start by finding ones covered by insurance and then seeing their specialities. There were several who specialized in Women's issues, health, IF, m/c, etc. I would definitely find someone who has experience in one of those areas. ::HUGS::

thetur · March 2012

Just wanted to send some hugs your way. I hope you find someone you click with. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Kpsbabyzoe · March 2012

I just did some research on counselors in my area who took my insurance and then you can look most of them up online and see what they specialize in. I wanted someone who did family issues, as well as anxiety disorders because that's what I needed specifically. I found that because I did my homework it was a good match right off the bat. But, it's totally possible that you could end up finding someone who's trained in your area of need but their personality doesn't fit.

And as far as how much to share- I would say whatever you feel comfortable with. If you feel like it would be draining to totally completely open up right away, then don't. And I think you'll be able to tell if it's a good fit after the first 1 or 2 sessions, so if you still feel comfortable at that point then I would say go ahead and divulge all.

I hope that was helpful. I know this is a big step. Have you done counseling before? It can be a little intimidating to open up and tell your life story to some stranger the first time, and to be the only one talking about themselves, but I think you'll find it's really helpful. Good luck! Keep us posted on how things are going!

ChloBub · March 2012

Thank you so much to all of you for your kind and helpful responses. I'm even more convinced and encouraged to move forward with this. Thank you!

TA110980 · March 2012

I went a while back and found it to be very helpful. It is really important not to compromise and keep trying until you find a good match. Someone that makes you feel comfortable, like you can open up and say anything. I think it's great that you're looking into this. I wish my current insurance offered sessions - I especially like that you get to re-start your 8 sessions if the therapist isn't a good match. It acknowledges that therapy isn't a one-size-fits-all thing.

Best of luck!

danaunclaw · March 2012

Finally something I actually have input on. My DH and I have gone to two counseling sessions since our loss a month ago. The first was the day after I was released. We just knew we were going to need help coping even though we're not what I would call counseling type people. The hospital and my OB suggested the counselor/office, which is an organization only dealing with these sorts of issues. She has been so insightful and helpful in dealing with this. I had some major guilt issues even though we know the cause (now) and it wasn't my fault. She never made me feel stupid for flipping out like other people do. Ya know, sometimes it's just not helpful to look at me and say "Well, gosh, it's not your fault. That's a silly thing to think". And she GETS THAT! She's also helped us reconcile the differences in how we each cope and has really validated us quite a bit. For example, my DH doesn't understand why I want to stare at our son's hand and foot prints all the time, and she helped validate both of our coping mechanisms.

Anyway, our counselor is actually with a non profit in the area called KinderMourn. I think it's only in the Charlotte, NC area, but you may have something similar in your area. That's definitely a good place to start. And I pour my guts out to that lady. She has seen me at my absolute worst and I feel so much better just letting it out and knowing she doesn't think I'm crazy...or at least she pretends welll.

Good luck!

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