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Blended Families
roycie27
member
Opinions...
roycie27
member
You all were so helpful with our last BM issue so I'm here again, asking for your perspective. DH's grandma died last weekend. She was 94. It was sudden but not completely shocking, considering she's 94. His dad and uncle decided on no funeral, but rather a memorial mass this weekend and lunch after with just immediate family. We told FIL we'd get DSD since this weekend is not our weekend.
DH emailed BM and she said yeah not a problem, but she'd like to come to the mass and she and her husband wouldn't go to the lunch.DH could bring DSD back to her house after. DH texted his dad and asked if he invited BM. He said she asked if she could come and he said yes because well, it makes him uncomfortable to say no. That's a separate issue, but whatever.
DH emailed her and nicely said the mass is for immediate family only and he'd like to be there with his family, including DSD, without any interference. He hasn't heard back. We know she's going to say his dad invited her, so she's coming.
Is this completely inappropriate or are we just insensitive a-holes and we should be cool if BM wants to honor gma too? There will only be 15 family members there so it's not like she can sit away from us. It's in a huge church and mass is only being said for our family.
I kinda think if an immediate family member doesn't want you (a non-family member) at a funeral or memorial, you don't go. Let the family have their time. DH is very upset at his parents and wants to limit communication with them for the time being because he feels they care more about his ex-wife than him. I feel this is a BM problem, not a IL problem. She just can't help but insert herself in any situation she can. His parents were just being polite by inviting her when she asked.
BM was not close to DH's family prior to the divorce. They were married 5 years. I need to know if we're out of touch here and I need to talk him off the ledge or if this is as stupid as we think it is. Sorry this was longer than it needed to be, lol.
3 girls, ages 7, 3, and 1.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Opinions...
Well as your DH's dad already said yes to her, I would leave it at that. But yes I don't think she should have been invited.
Something like this just happened to us recently: DH has 2 older brothers and 1 older sister. Their mom (my MIL) recently passed.
The ex wife of one older brother came to the funeral becuase she had been married to DH brother for about 13 years. They divorced about 11 years ago. The other brother's ex wife had only been married about 5 years and they divorced about 14 years ago, and my DH's first marriage only was about 2 years and that was 16 years ago.
DH's sister just got divorced last year and her DH (even though they were married 15 years) - he didn't even show up.
If you all are on good terms, let her come and leave it at. I wouldn't cut ties with my family over it. Now if your DH and BM are on bad terms and his parents are aware of the situation then I can see being upset, but still wouldn't justify cutting ties with his family over this. I am sure his Dad was put in an awkward situation when she asked him about it.
Yeah, the more I think about this, he's lashing out because he and BM are having issues the last few weeks with her not respecting his wishes and showing up on his time when she's not wanted. Specifically, she's showing up after school at his pick up and when threatened with legal action she decided to 'volunteer' at the school on his Fridays so she has a reason to be at the school. She also got DSD ears pierced without asking him. He was pissed about that one, which surprised me because I didn't think he'd care.
His parents are just aloof and socially awkward. It bothers him they don't just say 'talk to DH' when she bypasses him. Not talking to them for a period of time seems a little much, since he and I have 2 small children who love their grandparents.
Maybe he and I should have a chat about misplaced anger tonight? lol
He says he did tell them to not discuss these things with BM a while ago. I think he needs to sit down and be very direct with them. Like short, clear, firm sentences. They are not dumb by any means but they just don't get shiit. They sound like BM, to be honest, lol.
For example, I've personally told my FIL I have lived in the country where his company is based, like, 20 times and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME he is SHOCKED that I have even been there. He'll tell me stories and I'll say, 'oh yeah, I loved it there.' or whatever and he's all, 'You've been to x country?!?' EVERY.TIME. It's hysterical at this point. Things don't sink in with these people. I think you're right, DH needs to be really, really clear about this issue and say it often.
This! Do it again and again until it sinks in
This isn't necessarily true. I still get calls from my ex's grandmother - hour long calls (she has a LOT to say). It has dropped off from weekly right after the divorce to about once every other month now (it's been 10 years since the divorce). I take them because I feel bad for her. I am positive they don't know she still calls me. I actually knew her well before I knew my ex (which I doubt he or his family realizes). I also got cards from his aunt & uncle for a couple years after the divorce. We weren't even married long (3 yrs) so I was never quite sure why the aunt & uncle would do that.
I don't know what would be appropriate if his grandmother passed away & I was made aware of it - I would sort of feel obligated to pay my respects, but at the same time I wouldn't want to step on my ex's toes. Personally, I probably wouldn't go after I was informed I would not be welcome. OP's situation is probably not the same, but just because there was a divorce doesn't necessarily mean that there doesn't continue to be contact with the extended family.
Your FIL is being passive/agressive with you. I would tread carefully with them - it seems like they're not too crazy about you. This comment leads me to believe that they're contacting BM on purpose and hopes that she'll stay in the picture. Good Luck.
Just because your H divorced his exW doesn't mean that the entire family needs to "divorce" her as well. If your H wanted a clean break in case the relationship didn't work out, he should have thought about that before he chose to have a child with his ex. I would consider "mother of my (great) grandchild" to be family regardless of whether or not the parents were still married. I think he is the one being childish. If one of my kids told me I couldn't speak to their ex or they would stop speaking to me, I would laugh in their face.
I think you all are making too big of a deal out of it because if you are referring to a Catholic mass, it's a perfect time for her to pay her respects, be there for her daughter and quietly leave. She wasn't going to the dinner...just mass. More than likely your DH and any of the other IL wouldn't have had to even talk to her beyond a nod, polite smile, and maybe a hello in back of the church.
Sorry but I think your DH is over-reacting and needs to put his big boy panties on and grow the hell up. If anyone is making a stink - it's him.
My cousin's lying, cheating ex-wife showed up for both our grandparent's funeral who died last year. None of us really care for her as an individual after what she did, but she sat in the back, was there for her kids and didn't make much of a stir of fuss. As hurt as my cousin was by her, he acted like an adult and there was no scene. She was there for her kids who were pretty upset by both deaths. And I have to say...my respect for her moved back up a couple notches.
So what do you do? If she's there, DH needs to bite his tongue, be a big boy, and politely say "Hi, thanks for coming." and leave it at that. Go your seperate ways.
My ILs stopped contact with us because they are more interested in being friends with BM than abiding by DH's wishes. It's sad, but DS hasn't seen them in 9 months now, and he doesn't even refer to them as his grandparents anymore. SD refers to them as "my grandma" or "my grandpa", but I don't even correct her (as-in, they both share them as grandparents). I don't want my son to be exposed to them now anyway.
I know where you're coming from. BM always wanted to be around during family events (when we were still going to them). It's annoying, but it's also kinda sad that she wanted to hang on so long.
I do understand that she may want to "be there for her daughter if she's sad/etc", but your DH is her parent as well, and he's fully capable of helping his daughter with her grief.
Sorry, but I disagree with the notion that when a couple divorces, they're divorcing parents, sisters, cousins, etc. Especially when there's a child from the marriage, this just isn't usually the case. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives who want to be involved in the child's life can and should maintain a relationship with the estranged/former spouse.
My former ILs and I exchange baked goods around Christmas. We're friends on Facebook. We sometimes have lunch together when we do drop offs and pick ups. They brought gifts for DD when she was born. And you know what? If something happened and XH was totally out of the picture, I would go out of my way to make sure they still got to see DS.
To the OP: I think YH is making this about him when it's not. So what if BM wants to attend? Is her presence truly going to be that offensive? He needs to let his parents mourn and deal with her death. Any conversation about boundaries can wait a bit.
ITA- I think your dh has to suck it up and deal with it. She's not going to be chatting with anyone, and her motive may be pure, that she wants to be there for her child. that's my motive for why I will be going to the services for my exh's elders when they pass.
Also, your FIL may just be getting older and forgetful- I would not assign malice to his actions unless you see it elsewhere. My parents are not fans of exh AT ALL but I find that they have a hard time standing up to him if he contacts them. They are also forgetful sometimes... and I have come to the conclusion that the reason for both of these things is just that they are getting old. They avoid conflict- it's a generational thing. So unless they seem unwelcoming to you in other areas, or there is more backstory here, I think FIL is just acting like a typical older man.
If I read correctly you FIL invited BM? If I read that correctly then yes you and your H are being a-holes. How long were your H and her married? Was she close with the grandma? I think if she had any sort of good relationship with the woman she should be entitled to attend.
FWIW my ex Fi lost both of his grandparents while we were together. His ex was very involved and came to their house, brought food, attended the funerals. At the time I was a little bugged and looking back I realize what a jerk I was being. Yeah maybe she didn't have to be there but I shouldn't have felt threatened by it. Since my ex and I broke up her and I have become good friends and I realize how nice she is and how stupid I was to feel those pangs of jealousy or whatever they were. I realize now that she was just trying to do the best she could and do the right things by her daughters. Take it from me it's not worth it to get all worked up about these things. For better or for worse she is going to be in your lives because you share a child. You have many many more years of this to come. birthdays, graduations, other funerals, weddings, baby showers, etc. Just Deal.
Your H is being a jerk.
Your FIL is in a bad place right now. He just lost his MOTHER. He really doesn't need the drama your H is bringing to him. FIL didn't call up Ex and ask her to the funeral, she asked if she could attend. I'm sure he was put in a difficult position. Now your H is being a huge baby. It is NOT your FILs job to control the ex and set boundries for her. You and H can't seem to do this on your own, but you expect FIL to handle the job the week his mother passes. Shame on you.
The more I read your posts, the more I think you, H and his ex all deserve each other. You all seem to thrive on drama.
Wow, this thread got unneccessarily nasty... geesh.
I agree with certain sentiments though. Tell your ILs if BM contacts them to please refer her back to you guys. Tell it clearly and often as others have said.
And unless you're worried that BM is going to make some kind of crazy scene, I'd let her come pay her respects. Someone else mentioned that she may be in a better place to comfort SD if she is not grieving herself. I agree. And at this point I think your H is only going to create drama by insisting BM give up her parenting time and stay away from the service. It is a little weird, but you're all adults, who can look past that to why you're really there; to mourn the loss of H's grandma.
So sorry for your H's loss.