"Step" Title
I'm wondering how you all approach the "step" title. I've noticed the word "bonus" used instead; are there others you use or have heard of?
My SK's call me by my first name and every once in a while they call me "mom" (which makes me all warm and gooey inside). We have never pushed them to call me anything specific, and we never will. Their BM is very adamant that they DON'T call me mom, but I have a feeling when DH and I have our own kids, SK's will call me mom when their new sibling does. We'll see when the time comes, and will be fine with whatever happens. When talking about me to their friends, they just call me by my first name. I've explained the step-mom title/idea to them so they know what it means when their friends ask questions.
When DH and I talk about the kids, we refer to them as "our" kids - by his request. He hates it when I refer to them as "his" kids and I see his point. I love calling them my kids and do so unless the situation requires further explanation. For instance, we have an appt tonight for a tour at a preschool for SS, and when I made it I said my husband and I are looking for a preschool for "our" son. Now BM is coming with (
) so I'll have to explain who we both are - awkward.
How do you deal with this? Do you always tell people right off the bat that they're your SK's and not DK's? I'm not trying to be misleading to anyone, I just feel that when I specify the "step" part it somehow distances them from me.
Re: "Step" Title
I am in almost the exact same boat. SDs call me by my first name...the younger one has a nickname for me that has caught on with DHs niece and nephew. BM has reamed them for calling me mom...so the nickname is perfect because it is still makes me feel special without creating drama with BM.
Again, same for me. It is frustrating when people respond with "they're not your kids"...it immediately puts me on the defense. A few times I have referred to them as "his" kids out of anger or frustration, but it hurts DH. As SMs, we may not be the ones to have physically given birth to these kids, but when we are involved in their lives as much as some of us are, they really are our kids as well.
It varies for me as to when and to whom I differentiate between SK and DK. It is sometimes hard for me to acknowledge the "step" part because I have had some moms actually step back from me because I'm not the BM. I'm younger than DH, so people would never buy the fact that I'm the BM of my oldest SD, so I guess this mostly pertains to the youngest.
We sort of sidestep the issue. I'm a SAHM, and so everyone at DS's school knows me. DH works, and isn't as present as I am, so when we run into someone I usually introduce him as my husband.
All of our friends and anyone who "needs" to know, knows that he's DS's stepdad and that his biological dad isn't around. We don't hide it at all, but I feel like it's needlessly awkward to make the distinction in a casual conversation or introduction.
And if BM is present in their lives and is adamant that they not call you mom, it's really something you should respect. It's a really sensitive issue for a lot of parents, and no one needs unnecessary drama. Lots of posters here have stepkids and biokids, and no one has any trouble with mom vs first name.
SD calls me by my first name, DS obviously calls me mom.
last night at dinner SD said "thanks for dinner holly" to which my 2 yr old copycat said "thanks for dinner holly"
break my freaking heart. hopefully he doesn't really know what he was saying, but as he gets older, and SD continues to call me holly I can't help but wonder if I will have issues with DS calling me holly as well.
whenever I have to get involved with SD's school I always say I'm her step-mom, especially since BM is usually involved as well, once in a while I hit a wall and people won't talk to me since I'm 'just' the step-mom. even though DH and BM have joint legal custody and DH and I are married, some people just don't get it.
It's unlikely you'll have issues. Lots of kids do this if they hear a parent called by their name and it passes. Don't worry about it.
My kids call my husband by his first name, even if they were younger I would have had them use his first name. If the bio-parent is involved I don't think it's right to use mom or dad. When they aren't involved it's trickier.
All that said, it can be a case by case thing as long as all involved agree.
My husband and I refer to the kids as "our" kids, because they are. He brought his daughter into the marriage, and I brought my two children. We both actively raise them and discipline them, so they are in fact "our" children. I actively refer to my bonus daughter as "my youngest" or "bonus daughter" because she has stated she doesn't like "stepdaughter". My husband calls my kids his bonus kids, and everyone seems happy. Very rarely have we had to explain what "bonus" means.
We haven't told the kids what to call us, we've just let them decide on their own. My bonus daughter calls me "Mama Jo", and my kids go back and forth on calling my husband by his first name or Dad. Granted, my children were 4 and 8 when we started dating, while his daughter was only 2, so her attachment to me is a bit different than the older kids' attachment to my husband.
As for BM's not letting the LOs use "mom", that's not always the case. I've told my children if they want to call their father's wife "Mom", they can. As long as they're comfortable doing it, not because their father wants them too. They've decided to call her Tennessee Mom, and I'm fine with that. I learned long ago that my ego doesn't count anymore, as long as the kids are happy and comfortable they can use whatever title they want for the newly added adults in their lives as long as it's respectful. Unfortunately BM doesn't feel the same way when it comes to my bonus daughter, and that little girl has been told repeatedly by BM that I am not her real mother and that I'm not her parent, which has caused a lot of tears for LO.
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This really resonated with me. I've thought for awhile that if XH remarries a woman who loves DS and parents him to the point he wants to call her mom (or some variation of it), I'm ok with that. I would like to be asked, just as a courtesy. But I'm really fine with the idea.
DS calls DH daddy, and XH has never complained or expressed that it bothers him at all. DS met DH when he was 3, and we married when he was 4 (almost 5). He called him Danny (first name) for a long time, and still occasionally does. He also calls XH daddy, and there's really never been any confusion. When there is I just ask "your daddy here or your daddy in CA?"
BUT I think if a bioparent who is in the picture protests the mom/dad name, it ought to be respected.
I sometimes feel awkward when talking to others - strangers really - and referring to my SS as "my son". I have taken on the Mom role with him (BM not involved - explained prior so leaving that out). I'm perfectly fine with him calling me Mom. He initiated it - fantastic. It made things easier. His teachers, aides, extended family, family friends, etc. all call me Mom when talking to him about me. I have loved him as my own and was perfectly happy with him being my only child as DH and I didn't plan on having any of "our" own.
Sometimes, people would ask how old he was or side-eye us in public. Yes, I look like I could still be an undergraduate student. DH is a little older and SS is almost 8 and pretty tall. I think people assume I had him as a teenager, did drugs while pregnant, or whatever that led to him having autism. That bothers me, though it shouldn't. In cases like that, I feel like I need to defend myself and tell them *I* didn't give birth to him and am his step-mom which you can tell because he looks nothing like me. But, I don't. It's their stupidity.
She did not say she TOLD them to call her mom. They feel comfortable to sometime's call her mom and she just stated that it makes her feel good inside.
Considering that her SK's feel comfortable enough to call her "mom" sounds like she IS doing what is best for them.
Your post really rubbed me the wrong way.
My SKs call me mommy and their SD daddy. Long ago, BM told them they had 2 moms and 2 dads that love them very much and they are lucky to have that.They were allowed to choose what to call us.
My DD was also allowed to choose. She mostly called DH by his name until about a year and a half ago and she decided at that time to start calling him Daddy. I have always told her I didn't care what she called her SM that it was completely up to her. I'm honestly not sure what she does call her SM because I've never asked her because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable about it at all since IMO it's her decision.
I usually just say "our kids" and usually I don't go into specifics. But there are always those situations where you feel compelled to explain. There are times when I have to clarify like to another parent on one of the kids' sports teams, ect. There are times I feel the need to clarify because I did not personally birth five children and I feel like I need to say that. There have also been several times when DH and I have been out with DS only on a weekend the other kids were gone and someone has made a comment to us assuming we have only DS about how 1 is so easy or they remember having their first and one lady even told us that we should never have more than 1 (as her 2 kids were fighting). We usually don't clarify that we have five and give each other a look and smile and when the person leaves we laugh about their assumptions. So I believe the answer is totally up to the person in the situation and how much they want to divulge.
We all know where I stand on this.
Mom/Mommy/Mama/Mother or Dad/Daddy/Dada/Father - those titles goes to the biological parent unless the BP is not in the picture AND if the SP has EARNED it.
I have not lost my "rights" (and damn it, it is my right since I choose to have my child with her biological father - even an oops is a choice when you do not abort or give up for adoption) to the title since I have not lost my "responsibilities" that come with having my child.
In the end, it doesnt matter how wonderful I am as a stepmother. If DH were to divorce me or die...I will no longer be in my SS's life. Just like if DH and I were to divorce and both remarry - were my new husband to die, DD would still have her Father and if her Step Mother were to die, she would still have me.
HOWEVER, while the children are under the protection of the indivdual set of parents, they are "their kids". Just like teachers call their class "their kids" or troop leaders call their troop "their kids".
The connontation of the term IS DIFFERENT.
Now, I fully support special nicknames - though not other languages. But Honey, ESM (what SD used to call me), etc should actually be encouraged.
As for confusing the younger, biological kids. If they know not to call their biological parents by their first names (you, like they hear on a daily basis when other adults talk to/about their parents), then they are not going to be THAT EFFING CONFUSED by their half-siblings calling you somethign different.
SD called me Mom back when we first got married - completely unprompted by us. I actually kept correcting her, but she kept reverting to it. Her mom flipped out and upset SD with how angry she was. I agree with the sentiment but not how she handled it. Then SD started calling me by my first name which I do not like bc 1) children calling adults by their first name makes me cringe and 2) I think our relationship deserves more than calling by my name that even strangers use. We came up with a nickname that seems to be sticking.
I call SD our daughter but I clarify when pressed. I don't emphasize it. It's just the technical term for our relationship.
My Skids call me and their SDad by our first names. Once in a while, they'll call me "mom" on accident and we laugh and don't really make a big deal about it.
We have used the term "Extra" (kinda like "bonus") before, but it honestly doesn't come up that often.
I have a picture of DH, the Skids, and DD on my desk in my office. When people ask "Are these your kids?" I say "Yeah, I have one of my own, [point to DD] and two extras [point out skids]" or I'll say "The little one is all mine, the other two came with DH".
Among family and friends who KNOW that they are skids, i just referr to all three (Skids + DD) as "The Kids" or "my kids".
SD is six and SS is four. We've told them they can call me whatever they want, and for the most part they call me by my first name. If they choose to call me mom, sweet. If not, I'm totally okay with that. And we've told them that if/when their BM gets married, they have our full permission/okay to call him dad. IMHO, if you choose to get divorced, you have to give up (at least partial) control of what happens when the kids are with the other parent. Just saying...
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eng. 07-05-10
mar. 09-10-11