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Single Parents
When do you raise the white flag?
Long story short - dated the dad to be for a very short time. After almost 2 months of dating, I found out I was pregnant. While he's fantastic on paper: Great job, already a great father of 2, financially responsible, super involved in kids lives (coaches their teams all year long, attends every game or competition).
Then I got pregnant. I told him- we dicussed all our options.He wanted me to strongly considering aborting, but like a good guy, said he will support whatever choice I made.
I choose to keep her. And while we both emotionally had a lot to deal with, it was taking its toll on what little base our relationship had. I told him, I had a choice -- and so does he. He doesn't have to be involved. I personally believe, if every woman can choose and not be judged, every man should have the same option. He said he wasn't built this way. He would be involved and began to suggest I look at hospitals near him and places to live, near him. (We are about 40 mins away from each other)..
But now, hes met my family, and everyone on my side is happy and exicted for me. And Ive met his kids several times, which is a major big deal to him. It seems the closer we get to my due date...the further he gets. And I dont just mean this in a pyhsical way... I mean, hes at the point now (im 12 weeks away)...where he yells at me, saying i never considered him, or his family, or his kids. And he still hasnt told his parents or his ex-wife (mostly hes concerned about her bringing him to court for more $ when she finds out).. but now all his stresses, are breaking me. We talk for hours, and I cry, and I try to make him see-- I did consider him and his family -- but personally, morally, I couldn't pass up on this little miracle.
Up to this point, he has never gone to a single appointment or ultrasound. He hasnt contributed anything financially. And I am prepared to purchase all the necessities i need to, on my own. Up front, I told him -- I don't expect anything from anyone.
And while after each of our heavy, heart wrenching conversations-- i try to end the relationship. And he won't. Because being divorced, he knows how hard it is missing those small everyday things, like tucking them in, but then reverts right back to --- we dont even know each other, ands calls me selfish for my choices.
Its mentally exhausting, and silly me, thinking, because he is such a stellar dad, that this would have been easier. False.
Have any of you ever been in a similar situation? I keep thinking, maybe once the little lady gets here-- his bad attitude will calm down. But I know I do not want someone with hatered and resnetment near me or my little girl.
And even tonight, he asked me.. what do I want, what are my expectations?
I told him I care about him. He then asked -- do you really care about me or just like the idea of raising a baby with him. I told him -- with or without you, I wouldve still made the same choice. But I do care about you. But I can't worry about that anymore. I have to worry about my little girl.
And then all the sudden he turned nice again, and wanted to talk in person, so we could figure things out...But at this point, my heart isn't in it. I'd rather be alone, than lonely in a relationship...but then again, I can't really think what's best for me anymore. I just keep being hopefully, that he will wake up happier...and it just keeps getting worse. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: When do you raise the white flag?
I also dated BD for a short time ( 2 months) before getting KU. And I can agree that the stresses of pregnancy have taken a major toll on the relationship. When we first started dating I enjoyed spending time with him and could imagine a life with hime, but now I'm seriously doubting it. We are just on 2 different pages. He is emotionally smothering (and when we hang out physically smothering) and all I want is space, which I have asked for but he doesn't seem to understand. I could go on and on about my sh&t with him...but the bottom line is that he wants to someday (soon) get married and have that sweet family with a white picket fence, and I don't even want to have lunch with him. I feel horrible about it, because I know I should be grateful that he wants to be so involved, but after a few arguments with him about how he doesn't respect my boundaries, etc., I am starting to feel territorial and defensive (which makes me come off as cold, not a fun quality for a mom to be). I basically told him that I am focusing on the baby and my career so that I can care for the baby in the way that she deserves.
I guess at this point I am just taking things day by day. I haven't ended the relationship yet, although I am considering it. I want to wait until the baby is born to see if any of my sentiments change (i.e. if I am just being a hormonal psycho). What I can say, and this is totally my opinion, is this:
Take everything slowly, day by day, and with a grain of salt. The stress of pregnancy and bringing a new baby into this world is unprecedented...try not to add to that with relationship stress. I think that deep down we all know if our relationships will work... sometimes it just takes a little time and a step back to allow things to follow their own course. Relationships are hard work, but IMO, they shouldn't feel impossible. The good times should at least cut even with the bad times. And try to enjoy your pregnancy! This is such a beautiful and amazing time...it would be a shame to allow anything to subtract from the experience.
GL
I dated JF for about the same before finding out I was pregnant. I wanted out of the relationship before I found out. But, once I found out, I decided to try to stick around and make sure it wasn't my hormones making despise him.
He, too, looks great on paper. He's a government employee. He makes good money. Owns his home. Has a nice car. But, that's where it ends. He was clingy, needy, domineering, whiney, cry baby...and could never grasp that it isn't about me being ABLE to take care of myself...it's that I actually LIKE doing it. I wanted a partner...he wanted a doormat. When I told I was pregnant, he immediately insisited we get married. Said I "had" to marry him. Wrong thing to say. Don't tell me I "have" to do something, or I'll show you I DON'T. And, when he blamed a drunken 120mph drive down the highway on me, I left.
I tried to keep it amicable. I knew we'd need to be cordial to one another. But, he saw it as us getting back together. I cut ties to email only. When I found he was dating someone else, I tried to open the communication lines again, and I got accused of: targetting him to have a child I wanted so badly, trying to trap him, cheating on him and trying to get him to pay from someone else's kid, and threatened with custody and kidnapping.
At that point, I told him not to contact me again. I said I would contact him when the baby was born, and I will. Then, I'll refer him to my attorney.
I dated DD's dad for longer, but the situations sound pretty similar. Things went south VERY quickly with us after we found out I was pregnant. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and it was awful! We went to counselling together, and I went on my own. I made the decision to leave him when I was five months pregnant and I've never regretted that decision. He's an absolute a$$hole and having a child together would never change him. My thinking was that I did not want to raise a child in a home where verbal abuse and fighting was rampant. I did not want my daughter thinking that kind of relationship was ok.
My counselor told me repeatedly that it would be far less damaging for DD to grow up with two separate, happy homes when she never knew any different, than to grow up in a home with verbal abuse and fighting.
You may want to see a counselor to sort through your feelings and make a decision. It's so tough to be pregnant and alone, but you can do it!!!
Also, despite saying that you don't want anything from the Dad, you should file for child support immediately. Your child is entitled to that money.
That long story was not short.