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Stick to the schedule!
Ok, DD is 2.5yo, her dad and I have been separated over a year and I've tried ignoring his lack of responsible parenting but now it is really setting things back with DD. I don't know how to show him how his attempt to be the fun parent hurts her and when I try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive and starts his usual rant of what a horrible person I am and blah blah blah to make himself feel better rather than address the issue.
DD has been trying to potty train for months now. Last weekend was my first full weekend with her in a while, and after a full week of day care encouragement and me at home, she initiated going potty on the toilet three times in one day (she stopped playing and ran to the potty on her own!!) and even pooped on the potty once. HUGE success!! But she goes back to her dad this weekend...
Also, bedtime has become a nightmare - every excuse in the book to get up, she uses it. So we've been doing a strict routine - she gets a cracker, puts jammies on, goes potty, washes her hands, brushes her teeth, gets a little drink of water, picks out a book and a baby, reads the book to mommy, calls daddy (yes, every night or I have to deal with his harassment the rest of the night and next morning) and then it's hugs, kisses, lights out and good night. Works like a charm! His solution: She sleeps with him and doesn't go to bed until she wants to. So then the first couple nights back with me are horrible...
How do I get him to see that she needs structure and routine in her life at this age? He's so concerned with being the fun parent and getting her to say she wants to go to his house, he lets her eat whatever she wants (she had gold fish and mandarin oranges for dinner one night!) and no naps. Any advice how to address this or make him see the need "on his own" when he only has her one night a week and every other weekend?
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Re: Stick to the schedule!
Well, not to sound snarky but there may not be a damnn thing you can do about it. She's being cared for and loved and just because it's not exactly how you would parent, doesn't necessarily make it wrong. You can try talking to him about it but if he wants to continue doing things his way there isn't much you can do.
Goldfish and mandarin oranges may not be the greatest dinner, but it's something. There are many people on this board hwo have to worry about much bigger things than a child not going to bed right on time or a difference in parenting styles. That's really all this is.
Welcome to The Bump. You're not always going to hear what you want. Would it have been easier if everyone would have just chimed in about what a big ol meany your ex is? I don't see it that way. He's caring for her, loving her, and parenting her, but just not in the way that YOU do. That's part of co-parenting and divorce-dealing with different things that come up.
The last time DS had his visit with his dad he came home starving. I asked if he'd fed him and he said "well, yah, I mean, he had a rice krispie treat". He hadn't done anything intentionally wrong, but he's obviously not going to be as conscious about things as I am.
The biggest struggle single parents face is the lack of control they have over what happens at the other parent's home. It's a vicious never ending cycle, so try and break it now. Truthfully there is really nothing you can do. Unless your daughter starts showing problems in school or daycare, or is having medical problems, you're stuck. If you and your ex don't agree on bedtimes, mealtimes, etc, all you can do us have a Judge make an Order which is incredibly unlikely. So for now, grit your teeth an follow your schedule in your home. If potty training is an issue, send your daughter to her father's in big girl panties so she'll be encouraged to continue the potty training even without dad's help.
Speaking from experience: you and your ex will always have different parenting styles. Bedtimes will probably never be the same. Activities will probably never be the same. Meals will probably never be the same. Preserve your sanity and pick your battles.
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I've heard it can be hard for kiddos to make the adjustment when going from one house's rules to the others. I'm sorry to say I don't have any advice to give, but when I'm feeling down about being an Only parent I think about how frustrating it must be having someone else parent your child in a way you don't agree with.
On the plus side, it does sound like your ex truly cares about your DD, so maybe if you approach him in a different way he might be more receptive to keeping things consistent for her.
Good luck!