Support group question

figgs0831 · February 2012

Tonight I am going to my very first meeting at the hospital we delivered in. I am going alone because my DH works nights and can't make it. Up until this morning, I was under the impression that the group was for late loss/stillbirth mothers. Well, it's not. It is for ALL losses, early, ectopic, late, etc. I realized this when I looked at the sheet to find the location of the meeting.

Now, I am scared to go. What if I am the only one there with a later loss? Hell, two for that matter. I really don't want to go and share my story with a bunch of women that know nothing about what I am going through... Is that wrong?

What are your groups like? What usually happens at these things? Can I get away with sitting quiet in the corner??

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · February 2012

I've only been to my group once so far so I'm probably not the best person to answer this but I'm going to give my input anyway. There weren't many people at the meeting due to illnesses so I don't know if our group is open to all losses or just late/stillbirth/infant. The girls who were there all had full term pregnancy losses so they were relevant to our situation. I do know in our group that you don't have to talk or share. Only if you want to. I don't know if you have the phone # for the person leading the group but if you do, maybe you can call and get a feel from them as to the background of the people who generally attend. I totally understand your fear. I support your decision if you chose to still go and I support your decision if you chose not to. I have no idea if what I just said helps in anyway. {{HUGS}}

dandywarhol · February 2012

Our first support group meeting was a bust. We were the only people to show up, the counselors didn't even show! Needless to say we haven't been back.

I can understand your apprehension, I would feel the same way. If it were me, I would still go to at least check it out. Is there another person you can take with you, a sister, mother, friend just so you don't feel so alone? I would think that most support groups are understanding and if you don't want to share you experience you shouldn't have to. Maybe just go this week to observe and see if it would be an ok fit for you.

magdalina.h · February 2012

That was my fear the first time I went to group. Turns out that it's mostly late loss and we occasionally have early loss moms in. Yes, you can get away with sitting quiet in the corner. We have a rule that if you don't wish to speak that's fine.

My group is amazing and I'm so mad that I missed this month. We laugh, we cry, we gossip (A few of us have been together for over 2 years). We take new couples in and hold them no matter the stage of their loss.

Heatherhah · February 2012

I have two that I go to . The first one there are all different loss ladies there. Some had 2nd tri losses and some had losses like mine. There are different ladies there but we all have that common bond of losing a baby. It is hard for ladies who had early m/c to understand how we feel. I have had 2 m/c before losting Sydney so my experience is this a loss is a loss but a late loss is the worse thing to ever happen. There is no coming back from a late loss your life is changed forever. Now I am not saying that early losses aren't hard I have had 2 and they are terrible but it is different. I would just try the group because you never know it might really help you to have the support come from someone different than your family.

My other group is a group of mainly late loss and infant loss since it is part of a grief counseling center. So we have all lost children at later times. They all get me and it is easy we all cry together. I love all of my support group ladies from both groups they are amazing !!

My suggestion is go and hear their stories if you aren't ready to share then don't share it is up to you. But it might help you more than you know. Hugs to you.

johnnys june · February 2012

First of all, if you don't feel like sharing, you don't have to.. And if they try to make you feel pressured, you get up and walk out! Most support groups wouldn't though.

Our support group called HEAL (Helping Endure Infant Loss) was geared toward late loss, but was not exclusive. Out of the group almost everyone had a late loss, 2 women (who came without their spouse) had experienced a miscarriage. I wouldn't count it out, because from my experience, people who have experienced a later loss are the ones who usually attend group settings. Not to say someone with a miscarriage wouldn't, but I just haven't experienced it as often.

As far as what happens, our group was a 8 weeks set up. It was meant to be a "guided" support group with topics each week, homework in between, ect. Most groups aren't like this I don't think. But I think the initial night is usually the same. The leader started off by telling his story (he and his wife had experienced a still birth nearly 20 years ago). Then he asked who wanted to go next and over the course of 2-3 hours we all shared our stories when/if we were ready. Each consecutive night there was an opening topic related to grief and this journey over all and we would discuss/explain our thoughts and feelings regarding that 1 topic rather than jumping all over the place. I was so thankful this one was structured.

If I'm not mistaken, Magdelana still attends hers (I'm not sure how often, but I know she's mentioned it). I think hers might have been a different set up. If she doesn't respond it might be good to PM her. She's been a huge help to me.

EDIT: Didn't read all the posts before repsonding! Magdalena is on the ball!

careyalis · February 2012

Well, you know how I felt about my first meeting lol(see post below.). There were a lot of miscarriage moms there in addition to a few late loss/infant/stillbirth moms. I have never had a miscarriage, and I'm sure it would be traumatic, but I just don't feel like they all belong in the same support group. I feel like it is too different to find that common ground and I don't think that they can truly understand how I feel. I feel like a huge b!tch admitting this, but I found myself resenting some of the moms who had a six week loss and it made me feel like a terrible person for thinking that way. I hope that you have a better experience at yours!

magdalina.h · February 2012

johnnys june:

If I'm not mistaken, Magdelana still attends hers (I'm not sure how often, but I know she's mentioned it). I think hers might have been a different set up. If she doesn't respond it might be good to PM her. She's been a huge help to me.

EDIT: Didn't read all the posts before repsonding! Magdalena is on the ball!

I know it's not all about me, but this seriously made me cry. That's the reason why I'm so open and still go to group is to help myself and others. MH thinks I should be done, but I'm never going to be done talking about Aidster or trying to help others.

Mjmksb04 · February 2012

Could you maybe call the group leader and try to get a feel for the group from he or she?

[Deleted User] · February 2012

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erbarmywife · February 2012

The group I went to was for all pregnancy and infant loss. The social worker had had many miscarriages, the coleader carried her child to term and she lived for an hour. Another couple lost their daughter at 9 months to SIDS. There were woman who lost their babies around 20wks, and then me, with the twins at 26wks. So mine was open to it all. And, they never made us tell our stories, if we didnt want to.

figgs0831 · February 2012

Thank you ladies. I called the group hotline and left a message. Hopefully they call back. It's been 2 hours and I still haven't heard from them. So much for "immediate response" they claim to have on the flyer. It has also started to snow here, so I want to know it the meeting is still on! I am a long way from home and don't want to wait here if I don't have to.

Either way, I would like to give it a shot. Hopefully it is not as bad as I am fearing.

butterfly843 · February 2012

Let us know how the meeting goes, sorry they haven't called you back. I haven't been to any support groups, I thought about it many times but have been too nervous to go.

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