December 2011 Moms
iluvmylab
member
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CP: staying at home
iluvmylab
member
If you had the chance to stay home for a year, but you knew it would cause quite a bit of stress for your DH, would you still do it?
Backstory: DH stresses about money now and we have it. If my paycheck weren't there, we could pay bills and have enough to live on, but we'd have to budget and be much more careful. He grew up on free lunch and vowed he'd never live paycheck to paycheck. We have a lot in savings, but don't want to touch it unless there is a true emergency. I think I want to stay home, but I know it will cause him stress. And if he's not happy, I won't be either. Part time work is not an option in my profession. UGH.
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Re: CP: staying at home
I voted No, but I'm more SS.
if DH was going to be stressed because it's just his nature and we'd actually be fine, he just doesn't think so, then I probably would stay home and just work hard to show him why i thought we'd be ok.
If DH was going to be stressed because we'd be living a LOT tighter and he had reason to be stressed, then i'd probably suck it up and work. Mostly because I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck either.
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches
This is a good point. It is definitely his nature to stress, but I'm struggling with whether I want to purposefully make it even worse.....I know we'd be fine, but he would still always be worried.
It's going to suck to have your DH more stressed out. However, if you say he's already like this and it's just a mindset then what's the difference?
We're the opposite. I'm currently a SAHM that worries and DH works and doesn't stress enough.
Maybe you can ease the pain a bit by budgeting out so he can see you're going to be fine. Finding ways to cut corners in other ways. And learning some coupon tricks. It's not going to make up for your salary...but it's going to at least help out a bit. And...with you staying home there's that huge bonus of not having to pay for childcare.
Someone said it very well the other day. We have our whole lives to work but only a few years to spend with our children. If it's important for you to stay home then make it work. I would bet the stress would be there for your DH at first...but after awhile he'd ease up and see it's do able.
I totally agree with the bolded. and if it was in the cards for me to try to stay home, this is what I'd be doing to help ease DH's mind (or at least try to).
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches
I said no because I am your DH. I'm the worrier. I constantly am worried about our expenses/income etc. DH doesn't understand why it bugs me that he doesn't pack a lunch and just buys something from the deli/etc. Those little expenses add up and it would be impossible for me to get him to change! If I had the good-paying job and DH wanted to stay home I think it would definitely affect our relationship.
That being said, I know our relationship and our dynamics. The reason I married my husband is because he is very supportive, but also laid back and tends to not stress about anything. He has the mindset that we can tackle anything thrown at us. It is our balance that dictates my answer. ]
I think regardless of how your poll turns out, you know in your heart what you need to do. If you staying home with LO next year for your own mental health, and your husband agrees that a temporary change in finances and increased budgeting is better for your marriage then go for it. If you staying home ends up with him resenting you for causing him stress and that leads him to be less supportive (and less helpful with LO) then you may wanter reconsider it. That's something the bump ladies can't help you with, you and DH need to discuss together in a non-emotionally charged conversation. (I know I have threatened to quit work on bad days or after a particularly rough night, that is definitely not the time to discuss a major decision like this.
I know PT work wouldn't work as you are a teacher, but would there be any option to sub a few days a month for supplementary income?
Sorry this is a book, but LO is napping and I am bored so I thought I'd offer my POV.
I voted no but here's why...
DH was married before & has 2 kids from his previous marriage. After the 2nd child, his ex talked him into her being a SAHM - well she ran up their credit cards, started drinking and going out at night after he came home and ended up having an affair. So not that DH doesn't trust me and we couldn't afford for me to be at home, I know that it would stress him out more if I stayed at home even though I am the exact opposite type person as his ex.
My husband and I make a decent amount of money at our jobs & could easily afford me staying home, but we using my salary now to put into savings. We have increased both our 401Ks to the max contribution and are working so that we can retire early and provide nice things for our kids - this past year we bought a cabin, a 4-wheeler and a boat. We definitely could not have done that if we didn't have my income.
ETA - My daughter loves daycare. Its in-home and she is around two 4 year old girls that she adores and another 1 year old girl all day. She also really likes the daycare provider (our next door neighbor) and I know she's in good hands there. They even do preschool activities for the 4 year old girls that DD takes part in.
I don't see why this has anything to do with anything. And I'm kinda offended by it. I'm sorry your DH was married to a loser...but that's not what SAHMs are typically like. I feel like I'm being stereotyped as bored at home and nothing better to do than online shop, drink on the couch, and sleep around. I guess I just don't see why this was part of you answer to someone else's question....
I work really hard as a SAHM. Right now it's a bit easier because LO naps a lot. But even then I work my ass off to have a clean home, hot meals, home baked goods, budget/coupons/meal plans, etc. And when LO is a bit older I look forward to craft projects, teaching him early education (abcs, adding, etc) getting him ready for school, going to the park, playdates, etc... To imply that SAHMs are bored and get into trouble offends me heavily. I gave up my career and good social status because I think it's best for my child. Not because I want personal freedom.
(and here's where I might be flamed)...I'm super glad that some of you have found awesome daycares. I know lots of us have to work to make a living and make things work. I also know some of us choose to work to keep their sanity. However, no daycare replaces a mother's care. If I had to work...absolutely I'd be working. But to imply that sticking your child in daycare is best...I think that's insane.
Unfortunately, yes it would have to be an entire year. Since I teach, they won't hire me in the middle of the year and we aren't under contract in the summer. We are doing a budget and we can do it, but DH would still worry about not having my income. I know that sounds odd, but that's just how he is. We've never lived on one income before and are used to spending what we want, so this would be brand new territory for us. I do make a lot more than daycare costs so it' doesn't "cost" me to work. It's just a matter of which is going to make us both happiest and that's what I am struggling with.
OP I am in the same position you are. We've looked at the numbers and it'd be tight, but doable. It's more of a fear of the unknown at this point... I want to stay home. I have three kids, I've worked their entire lives, I'm unhappy in my current job and think this is a good break point to regroup, figure out what I do want to do, and in the meantime be there with the kids and have the gift of time. But my DH is like yours and is a worrier/worst case scenario type thinker...
I do know that if I had a given career like you do, I would quit in a heartbeat. I'm mostly worried about getting back into the workforce a few years down the line. I know eventually I could do it, but it'll be tricky.
I think your stress level needs to be considered, too.
If you're stressed out by working and having LO in daycare, your DH (and DS) will pick up on that, and it could add to their stress levels. I guess then you'd have to weigh if your stress is more bothersome that DH's stress over finances.
I also voted no for these reasons, and because I want us to be able to splurge when we want... buy LO a cool toy for no reason, go out to eat as a family, or take a vacation without breaking the bank.Plus living on a *budget* would definitely stress me. Even on a budget, things come up like tires and water heaters that need replacing... I would hate for something like that to throw us.
Not flaming at all, but wanted to point out I don't think there is one BEST when it comes to be a working mom vs. being SAHM... I think whats best for each family is different depending in their own situation. SAH isn't always best just as daycare isn't always best.
Personally, I agree with the posters commenting about your stress level and if your husband is someone who is already stressed-if it will not actually cause you to live paycheck to paycheck, I would do it, especially since its only for he first year.
I think that kids can thrive in both daycare and with a sahm. There are parents in both circles who are great parents, have clean homes and home cooked meals, and there Are parents in both circles who are the exact opposite. I think that it is incredibly important for parents to be happy as parents and their role in their child's life, be it as a sah parent or as a working parent-and this goes for moms and dads. If you can swing it, and it makes you and dh the happiest, do it.
I am not going to file for unemployment when I am perfectly capable of getting a job. I don't know how daycare allows you to collect unemployment, but to me it just sounds wrong.
I think this is a very good point.
I'm the exact same way as your husband. I worry a lot about our finances, even though I know we are doing fine and we have enough in savings. But I grew up in a family where money was always tight, and so it's a source of stress for me.
While I was still pregnant, we started to live just off of DH's paycheck. It helped us to really see that it was possible for me to SAH. Would it be possible for you to try living just on his paycheck for a month?
Ella born 12/21/11
We are "practicing" now, but I have to make a decision by May as my leave has to be approved by the school board. I'm just so torn. Part of me wants to work to enjoy the nice extras we can afford with my check, to provide experiences for my son that we otherwise wouldn't be able to, to save more for retirement so we can retire earlier (1 years worth of contributions can make a huge difference in 20 years), not have to worry about money, and the satisfaction I get out of what I do.
But another part of me wants to be with my son. I don't think work is going to stress me out- I seem to be handling it pretty well right now I think. And I don't think him going to daycare will stress me out either because I really like the place he will go. Too bad we can't have it both ways....
Same here. We both want us to stay home but we'd be living paycheck to paycheck if I did right now so I'm not.
Thanks. I did read your reply there and it was very helpful. I know I need to give it time.
You're only talking about one year right? You'd be able to get your job back no problems? That is so rare in the US. I would absolutely take them up on it as long as we could pay all bills and add at least a little bit to savings every month on DH's salary. If I had been given that option with DD1 I probably would have kept my job. I went back at 4 months and ended up quitting after several weeks.
Have you talked to your DH? Have you run the numbers? Is your DH's job stable?
I think you would regret it if you didn't do this. What's one or two years out of an entire career?
I couldn't decide, so I didn't vote! I am sure this is a tough decision. For me, I think it would come down to how much you do or don't enjoy your job. If you are miserable every morning leaving for work (once you've been back at least a few more weeks) then I'd take the leave. If you like your job, and having the extra money is worth it...then I'd stay.
I only work part time, and I landed the job in the summer. Before that I was working FT for a partner agency. I did joint home visits with all the people who did the job I do now....and really wanted to be in their role. I hated my old role. We had decided I would stay at home if this part time opportunity hadn't come up. I like working. As much as I love Noelle, there are some days I am really glad I get to go out and work. I love my job. I can see FT being really tough, though. I worked today, and am exhausted. I want to spend time with Noelle, but I am also relieved when she is napping. Then at bedtime, I get bummed because I didn't get to see enough of her.
So, I don't think I helped much. But just wanted to say I am sorry you have to make this hard decision!