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2nd Trimester
wbrauns
member
MIL Shower Rant (long sorry!)
wbrauns
member
Ok so my MIL hosted my bridal shower when DH and I got married. She did a "Pampered Chef Party". Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Pampered Chef, I grew up with it, and every single utensil in my Mother's kitchen is Pampered Chef, so I know what high quality stuff they have. However, my MIL is a Pampered Chef Consultant and DH and I already have a kitchen full of Pampered Chef stuff, so anyways my MIL refuses to put where we were registered at for our bridal shower, because "then people won't buy Pampered Chef!" and we have a bridal shower that no one brings presents to because instead they are supposed to buy Pampered Chef stuff at the party (that I don't even want) all for the sake of padding MIL's pocket. The entire shower she just stood up front and tried to sell Pampered Chef stuff to all the guests. Umm, hi, I thought this shower was supposed to be about me, but I guess not...
Ok so then she hosts DH's SIL's baby shower. This shower was just as self centered as my bridal shower because the ENTIRE shower, and I am not being dramatic here, she stands up front and talks while SIL is trying to open presents. DH had many people call him and talk about how she made the shower completely about her instead of about SIL.
Fast forward to my upcoming baby shower. MIL of course insists that she host the shower, which is nice of her, and I know she has good intentions, but I really really wanted one of DH's aunts to host it instead of MIL. However, we can't exactly tell her no, so instead we thank her and say, "yes of course you can host it.." so then she says that she doesn't really want to host it at her house because it's too small so she's wondering if she can do it at our house. I have no problem with this except I dont want people to think I am trying to host this shower myself, because I am not. The other reason she wanted to do it at our house is because we just moved in and a lot of people haven't had the opportunity to see it yet. So anyways, DH's stepdad was recently diagnosed with cancer so MIL has been dealing with that, which is hard, I know, my 17 year old brother was also diagnosed with cancer just a few months before DH's stepdad was, so I know what MIL is going through.
So anyways, the shower is about three weeks away and as of last week MIL had not gotten invitations out or said anything about them, I called her and asked if she would want me to get them/make them for her and then all she would have to do is send them out, because I know how much she has going on with her husbands cancer. She seemed really irritated that I had asked that and said that she could handle it, I hadn't meant to overstep any boundaries, I was simply trying to help because I am at home all day and would have had plenty of time to make the invitations myself so that she wouldn't have to.
Ok so last bit here, DH and I have decided that we are going to use Cloth Diapers, we have been picking up quite a few used ones as garage sales and on Craigslist and have ourselves about 15 diapers. However, that was our main "gift priority" we asked MIL if there was a way to write on our invitations, "Registered at Target with cloth diapers being top gift priority" and she said that she had already told people to just bring money to shower instead of getting us presents. (She said this because she thinks that getting stuff off of a registry will be too hard for members of her family because they don't know how to go online and view and order stuff off a registry) so DH said that she didn't have to put the bit about the cloth diapers in the invitation, but PLEASE put that we are registered at Target, she agreed and that was that. Today I get my invitation in the mail, and surprise! There is absolutely nothing listed about being registered at Target on it! Ughhhhh why is it so hard to list where we are registered at!?
So now people know that A.) The shower is taking place at my house, and B.) They are supposed to bring money. Wow! That doesn't make me sound that I am hosting my own shower or anything! Seriously? What do I even do in this situation? I know if I ask her why it didn't say that we are registered at Target on the invites she will get mad and say that she has a lot going on right now with her husbands cancer and everything, but that is why I offered to do the invites in the first place! Ugh ok this rant was extrememly long, but seriously, that woman does not listen to anything!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL Shower Rant (long sorry!)
Woah... Awkward. I would have politely declined the shower in the 1st place.
If people are calling you asking where you're registered (because they probably will) then tell them, Target and mention that MIL is stressed right now and didn't print the invites correctly.
How many people were invited? Is there any way to contact these people and explain the situation? I would definitely confront MIL about this and ask her to contact your guests to clarify things. Just because she's going through a lot does not entitle her to disrepect your wishes and make you look like a money-grabbing jerk at your own shower. I think you can find a nice way (have DH do it) to explain to her how this makes you two feel (uncomfortable!). I would expect a drama-filled response, as she seems like the type...
In retro-spect...if she is throwing the shower, she is responsible for it and (her) family members probably already know how she is...especially if she's as transparent as she seemed at SIL's baby shower and your wedding shower. I'm sure the guests are aware of her antics and probably will not look side-eyed at you. They will judge her.
Too bad she's being a weirdo. I'd definitely call her out on it though. I only imagine things getting worse once baby arrives...
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"Everything happens for a reason"
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Perfect Kaybee! I hadn't even thought of that. I like that solution better.
I would however have DH find a way to mention to his mom that he noticed no Target on the invites. If she truly forgot, that's one thing. If she is blatantly not caring about what you want, then she should know it made you guys uncomfortable if it truly did...
But maybe that's just me. I'm pretty outspoken
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"Everything happens for a reason"
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Agree completely about letting people know word of mouth. I would even email my friends (if they were on the list) letting them know "Hey, FYI, I know it wasn't mentioned on the invites, but we are registered at Target".
I'm still stuck on the fact that she used your bridal shower as a pampered chef sales party for herself. oy.
On the bright side...I think most people know to look at BRU and Target for baby registries...at least I do, since it's often not on the invites. If they don't buy from there, and don't include a gift receipt...you were going to be OOL anyways.
So....is she doing her Pampered Chef thing at this party too? If I went to a 'shower' like this I wouldn't feel bad leaving after I knew what was going on. It is audacious to ask guests to BUY things at a party! You should have flat out said no way in hell is this happening. At this point I'd let her know she can't do her sales at the party. No exceptions. Please don't e-mail people to tell them where you're registered. That comes across as really gift grabby. Only tell if asked. Most people who are going to buy a gift can figure it out. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a crazy pants MIL, but you need to learn to say no or she's going to keep walking all over you
Oh believe me, I do not allow her to walk all over me. But, I have learned to pick and choose my battles with her. And no, she is not doing another Pampered Chef Party, I'm not sure how she could do that at a Baby shower.
But previously we had issues with her telling me that she was going to do things a certain way with our child when she was born. Things that I did not agree with. DH and I sat down with her and told her that if she couldn't respect our wishes when it came to our child we were not going to trust her to be around our child by herself, i.e. no babysitting. After we sat down and had a civilized adult conversation about the matter, I thought it was over. However she called DH the next morning to tell him that I was being unreasonable and yadda yadda ya. Then she called all of her sisters and told them that I had said that she couldnt babysit our future child because I had said that she would intentionally hurt her. Which is not true at all, we simply said that if she couldn't respect our wishes we wouldn't trust her. Anyways this behavior carried on for weeks with her crying at family functions saying that I was being mean to her and was not going to let her see her Grandchild, which again, is not true, this all stemmed simply from us sitting down with her and having an adult conversation with no yelling, or name calling whatsoever. Needless to say she is a bit of a drama queen and likes to have all attention focused on her.
There are battles that I am more than willing to pick with her, such as the safety as our child, but invitations to a baby shower are not a battle I choose to pick with her, as I know how easily these "talks" with her escalate. Which is why I came on here to vent instead
Oh and this shower is only for her side of the family, my family/friends are hosting a seperate shower for me after baby is born as sort of a "meet the baby" shower. I suppose if worst comes to worst we will just be sure to let people know at that shower what we want. And DH and I are financially able to buy the cloth diapers ourselves, so if it comes to that we can do that as well. Anyways, thanks for listenting!
This is a perfect solution! And then I'd make sure to stand up at the shower and publicly thank my MIL for the wonderful shower and all the work she put into it. That way people know that it was her and not you being the boob! Plus, as self centered as she sounds, she'll probably relish in the accolades.
I was going to say this too.
Just because she is a good person, that doesn't mean it is ok for her to act like this and trick poor people into coming to a home party by disguising it as a shower. It isn't ok for her to make all family gatherings about her. It still isn't ok. This kind of thing needs to be nipped in the bud before she decides she wants to sell children's toys or books and surprise surprise she wants to host your baby's first birthday.
Although I do have to say I can sympathize. My mom is a little like this and thinks all of our relatives are sitting at home with baded breath for when she will throw me or my sisters another shower.
I never said her bahavior was Ok, I know she is out of line, however, as I have stated, I will pick and choose my battles with her. This only affects me, it does not affect my child, therefore I will suck it up and deal with it to keep the peace. If there comes a time when she is doing something that will or has the potential to affect my child that is when I will step in and say something to her. However, as she has shown in the past, she throws a HUGE fit if I do in fact say that something she has done is bothering me and involves her entire family in it. So for the sake of mine and DH's peace, I will vent on here instead, and save any confrontations with her for when it actually matters. A
Also, the bit about her starting to sell kid toys and books and then wanting to host the birthday made me chuckle. Definitely funny, but it would never happen! I will not let her interfere negatively with my child's life
well the good thing is, if it's family invited, they KNOW she is crazycakes as they have been to her awful showers before and lots of other family events
So I'm sure they know this is how she is and aren't really fazed by much of it.
good for you for putting your foot down with her over caring for your child in the future. She sounds manipulative and it's best to face that directly to nip the behaviors in the bud.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
OP, I completely understand your perspective on this. My Mother is the crazypants one and threw us a completely terrible bridal shower that was all about her and not our style at all. She invited a lot of her work friends that we did not even know and no one really brought presents (totally fair because they did not know us). It was really pretentious and there was a harpist... And this was after I convinced her to dial it down. Anyways, like you said, her friends and family know she is the crazy one and in the end it is just a few hours of your time that may be uncomfortable. It is best to pick your battles and stand strong about the important stuff with your kid.
Good luck!
OP, I get what you're saying that this is only directly affecting YOU right now (as in, you will be the one at the shower getting the potential side-eye from DH's family)... but keep in mind, your child is an attachment of you.Why wait until you see a potential for it to affect your child? I would think you value yourself as much as you value your child's integrity with this MIL's inappropriate behavior.
You teach people how to treat you.
MIL seems like she's learned that she is more than welcome to host her bizarre self-centered parties and disrespect the honored guests (on more than one occasion and with more than 1 person-- you and SIL) because no one wants to "rock the boat" with her b/c of her "fragile" nature and how she is prone to dramatic outbursts that last for weeks and make everyone uncomfortable.That type of behavior will spill over once your child is born and it WILL affect your child.
I think PPs are just trying to get the point across to you that nipping this in the bud (no matter how awkward or annoying life becomes in the wake of the confrontation) is your best option for you and your child's future
We're just lookin' out for ya hun!
I personally have a BSC MIL and in the past, we avoided her like the plague when it came to confronting her on her inappropriate behavior, but ever since we asserted ourselves (not once, not twice but consistently) then and only then did she begin to respect our wishes.
It's very difficult to do with someone who is erratic and dramatic, believe me...I know. DH's mum is bi-polar and things can get intense-- but we just don't put up with her sh!t anymore and it has made my personal anxiety about the birth of our child, among other things, become reduced drastically.
Best of luck to you and your family!
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"Everything happens for a reason"
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My point is that is just isn't affecting you. What about your poor friends and family who came to your bridal shower to help you celebrate a momentous occasion in your life because they love and care for you. I know they didn't appreciate having to listen to your MIL's spiel. I personally would have been pretty angry because I hate those kind of parties and avoid them like the plague. What about the awkward position your MIL is putting those people in and by extension you because you didn't nip it in the bud. What about your SIL's friends and family who came all the way out to her baby shower, brought her a gift and wanted to celebrate her momentous occasion only to hear your MIL's tirade.
Overall, her obtuse behavior isn't only affecting you. She is putting others in uncomfortabloe positions and no one is standing up to her. Well it is high time. Someone needs to say to her " That's enough." She will get upset but that is ok. One thing I have learned dealing with IL issues is that the world won't end if your ILs are upset. In fact, sometimes they respect your boundaries more because they know you don't fall for their manipulations.