Kind of NBR: Family Drama

amh_navyblue · February 2012

Back story: FIL died in November. MIL came to visit us and BIL/SIL over the holidays (some of you may remember my angst about how much time she was not spending with our kids). DH and BIL had a huge fight on New Years, during which BIL stormed out of our house. MIL tried to mediate between her sons, leading to a phone conversation between DH and BIL that did not end well. DH and BIL have not spoken since. MIL is devastated by this (understandably and the rest of us aren't exactly thrilled about it either) and has made repeated attempts via phone and email to both DH and I to try to resolve the situation.

So my question is--how do you support your DH in these kinds of situations? I know it depends on each individual person, their personality and the family dynamic, but I'm looking for any and all ideas. I understand (mostly) why DH is refusing to be the first one to extend an olive branch, but as someone who really hates conflict, I'm having a hard time with this situation.

Any thoughts? And in the meantime, maybe just some T&P.

MrsPhilDunphy · February 2012

Hmm. I think you're already a better DIL than I am. This sounds similar to blow up that DH had with his sister right before we got married. I'm still resentful that not only did MIL put herself in the middle but she dragged me in to it to help work it out. I am very anti-drama and felt that the issues had to do with DH & SIL, who are grown adults and can handle their business, and had nothing to do with either MIL or me. So, I probably can't give you much advice, since my natural inclination would be to stay out of it, but I do hope your DH and his brother are able to reconcile at some point. Maybe they just need a little more time.

WinesNotWhines · February 2012

I'm with MPD on this one -- I tend toward not getting involved, unless your husband is avoiding family events because he doesn't want to see BIL (in that case, I'd tell him to suck it up and go so he can see other family members). They're both adults. They don't need their mommy (or anyone else) to help them kiss and make up. If this is something minor, it will probably blow over on its own. If it's something bigger, then maybe they need more time.

umdbride · February 2012

I'll try to make this short, but it probably won't happen - sorry!

I have a long history of not getting along well with my dad, and haven't spoken to him in about 5 years now because of drama that unfolded around our wedding. Long story short - the not talking was really just the end of a drama and stress-filled life with him up until then, and as much as it svcks on paper that I don't have a relationship with my dad it is SO much easier on my life now. Unfortunately, I don't speak to that entire side of my family anymore either because they do the "if you're not talking to one of us you aren't talking to all of us" thing. I can't say I miss them though!

I would let your DH decide what is best for him. Even though others may think it is better to have a relationship, it may not be, and really only he would know that.

My DH didn't really understand at first, but always said it was my decision and he'd support me no matter what, and he has. Even when I flip-flop about reaching out to my dad (like around DS's birth), he just listens and helps me weigh the pros and cons based on things I've said in the past, not really his opinions. My MIL still insists I make up with my dad, but DH defends my decision, and I really appreciate that.

I think the most you can do is talk to your DH to understand his point of view and let him know you support him even if you don't completely agree with his point of view.

I would also tell your MIL that they are adults and you are not going to get in the middle - that she can talk directly to DH about it if she'd like, but that really she should let him make his own decisions. Without pressure he may actually give it more thought.

As for family functions, I think you should ask DH how he wants to handle them. Is it important to both of you that the kids still maintain their relationships with their cousins, aunt and uncle? If so, can he and BIL agree to attend those family functions and be polite? If not, do you want to go with the kids without DH, and would he be ok with that?

For me, I would not want DS around my dad because of how he is as a person that led to this drama; not the drama itself. So if DH offered to take DS to see that family I'd definitely say no.

On a separate issue - DH recently stopped talking to his brother for about a month because he was annoyed that BIL kept blowing him off to hang out with friends, etc. so DH stopped reaching out. They are super-close brothers and I thought the whole thing was childish really, but I understood that DH was hurt and feeling cast-aside when he has done so much for BIL his whole life. In that case, I did try to talk to DH about it but more because I saw that DH was upset that his bro wasn't reaching out to him. I did not reach out to BIL to fix the situation even though it crossed my mind. Eventually BIL came around, although it ended up being when he needed support and realized his friends were flakey.

So, I think different situations call for different things, but ultimately you need to figure out what the real issue is and let DH work it out himself even though it can be hard to do. GL!

Artslvr · February 2012

I'm not sure what you can (or should) do - besides hear him out if/when he wants to talk about it, or wants your input. Does this affect you? Is the MIL trying to drag you in?

My DH has a very drama-filled family and I just sort of spectate. I mean, what am I going to do about it? I just stay out of it and let him lean on me.

ch ch ch chia · February 2012

My parents (and I) went through a 5 year period (when I was a teenager) of not talking to one of my aunt/uncle pairs, because of an incident that involved me. It made for awkward family gatherings... this was not an easy issue, because my extended family got together at least once a week for a gathering at my grandma's house. But, it all worked out in the end. Time has done a lot of healing.

I think you should just support your DH in whatever decision he makes. You could encourage him to think out of the box about the situation, and talk through some of what's bothering him... but, you shouldn't force the issue.

ch ch ch chia · February 2012

Oh - I would also note... all of them are going through a tough time. FIL's death wasn't that long ago, and they're probably still griveing and processing. This thing could take quite a while for them to work through emotionally.

amh_navyblue · February 2012

Thanks for the helpful perspectives from everyone! It's definitely a rough time for the family because of FIL's death and this added drama makes the whole thing worse. It doesn't help that my MIL can really pile on the guilt, even in happy times, and having just talked to her last night, the whole thing was weighing pretty heavily on my mind. Fortunately we don't have too many issues with worrying about family events, because we're not all in one place (MIL is in FL, SIL is in WI...BIL is in MD and the one from the family we would see most often, but there aren't events where someone else is inviting both of us, so it's pretty easy to avoid those scenarios)...though it was noted by MIL last night that we did not have BIL/SIL and their LO at DD#2's second birthday party and she commented that she thought that was inappropriate. I responded that it's pretty challenging to invite someone to an event when the host and that person are not speaking. Seriously, I can't see how it would have been appropriate to subject everyone else at that party to another potential family drama.

In any case, I appreciate you all "listening"...it makes me sad that there is this break between DH and his brother, but I know that the only thing that may resolve that is time. I think MIL just wants them to get over it and move on and be a close, happy family again, but I don't think it's that simple.

smacb · February 2012

My DH's family are textbook dysfunctional and like to bring crazy to a new level. I have some experience with this. I try to stay out of it. I think with family and especially sibling stuff, there are decades of stuff you can't begin to understand if you didn't grow up with it.

I try to support my husband and encourage him to do the right thing (for himself and our family) whatever that might be. SOmetimes that means encouraging him to take the high road for the sake of family peace, sometimes that means limiting access to and contact with relatives.

For us, a lot changed when DS was born. My FIL has a drinking problem. Before we had DS, he would occasionally get drunk and scream abuse at DH. We didn't like it, but we tolerated it. I won't allow that kind of behavior around my son.

DH's little sister has some rage issues. When she would send DH bizarre, angry e-mails that was one thing. She took her anger out on my son once. He was a year old. We haven't seen her since.

I used to encourage him to make peace with his family and build relationships with them more then I do now. Partly, because I've realized how toxic and dysfunctional they are.

I don't know your situation, but as long as there's no abuse, addiction, etc. I would encourage reconciliation. Life is short.

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