MIL and forgiveness

MoFree · February 2012

I know that forgiveness is a divine, cleansing act and that harboring grudges is toxic. That being said, I am having a hard time letting go of my anger towards MIL because of the way she acted after DH's nearly fatal auto accident 2 years ago. It is hard for me to fathom how a parent could be so nonchalant and cold hearted when her only child was fighting for his life.

Fast forward two years and she sent us a very substantial check to pay for nursery furniture and a high end stroller. I am tempted to tell her to take the $ and shove it because I don't want to be beholden to her for a Bugaboo. I think the only way she can relate is through her credit card or checkbook and have no expectation she will cultivate any relationship with her future grandchild. I think part of her motive is to prevent her ex husband, with whom DH and I are very close, from buying anything for us. She cannot just give unconditionally, but I think refusing the money would cause even more damage to a challenging relationship.

I know she won't or can't change her persona and all I can change is how I react to her and not allow her to FET to me. Any suggestions on how to do it?

Mrs.RockyM · February 2012

She's his mother, and regardless of what she's done it's very hard for someone to just give up on their mother. i think it's hard, but at a certain point you need to accept the fact that she's DH's family and if he's moved on - then you have to also.

With that being said, nobody says you have to have a "relationship" with her. You can let her see your LO a couple times a year, and leave it at that. Nobody says she has to come over for dinner on a weekly basis, or you have to see her every month. Just breathe and know that as soon as she shows up, it's that much closer for her to go home.

Besides, people can really change when kids come into the picture - she may surprise you.

lovebug33 · February 2012

She may have no other way than through money. DH's dad and step-mom rarely come see us. This year, they came for the first time in 4 years and stayed one day. However, they buy things because that's what they can do. Let her do what she needs to do and get a great stroller out of it!

MoFree · February 2012

Mrs.RockyM:
She's his mother, and regardless of what she's done it's very hard for someone to just give up on their mother. i think it's hard, but at a certain point you need to accept the fact that she's DH's family and if he's moved on - then you have to also.

With that being said, nobody says you have to have a "relationship" with her. You can let her see your LO a couple times a year, and leave it at that. Nobody says she has to come over for dinner on a weekly basis, or you have to see her every month. Just breathe and know that as soon as she shows up, it's that much closer for her to go home.

Besides, people can really change when kids come into the picture - she may surprise you.

. I did not mention that we live in AZ and she in NYC so at most we would see her a few times a year.

The background history is that DH's parents divorced when he was a small child and he did not see his dad much until the last few years for a variety of reasons. When MIL learned they reconnected she went ballistic, got very mean and ugly and told DH he could choose one parent,but she is "the one who raised him.". His accident happened in his dad's town and MIL showed that her anger and hatred for her ex were stronger than her concern for her son.

vanessagorc · February 2012

I don't know, it's hard.

DH has NO relationship with his father at all. He was abandoned by him, and just can't look past it. There are some things you just never get over IMO.

You could decline the $, saying thx but no thx...if that makes you feel better. We do not accept gifts from my mother (and they have been VERY generous AKA, downpayment on a new apt), bc DH doesn't want his parents to feel bad that they aren't able to match that.

So, i wouldn't think twice about declining a gift if you are happy with the reason's behind it. That way u aren't reminded of the motivation, everytime u push ur baby in the stroller. Then poss u could approach her w more "distance" and be bothered slightly less.

HUGS.

Jackie2200 · February 2012

Family relationships are tough. My MIL hated me since my DH proposed and she was awful to me for the first 7 years of our marriage. She wasn't even that supportive when we lost our twins, but she was the only person to call me on Mother's Day this year. I haven't forgiven her for all the mess that she put us though but she got a ton of brownie points and alot of forgiveness after that one gesture.

We're still not best friends (in fact, I don't even have her phone number!) but I do feel better not harboring so much resentment.

As for the Bugaboo, it may change the way you feel. We splurged and bought one this weekend and I have felt like a million bucks since then!!!!

ELF4321 · February 2012

No advice here. I'm a grudge holder. But, if it's someone in either of our families, I try to just act relatively cordially toward them. It doesn't mean I'm over it or will trust them again in a similar situation, but it's just not worth it to me to be constantly hostile with them.

Jeep Doll · February 2012

So sorry this is happening and your MIL is like this. Your MIL sounds exactly like my dad... I might have been able to write this post word for word! And I promise there is a point to the story at the end!

I read the book 5 Love Languages and one of them is Gifts/Money. My dad has that love language, but he sort of holds it over my head, too. Catch22 situation that sucks all around. It finally got to the point that I no longer wanted to have a relationship with him at all and turning down the money gifts wasn't enough. I haven't talked to him in almost two years.

I am happier with him no longer in my life, but I do need to let him know we are pregnant. Stepsis has twins and I see his relationship with them so I don't think his relationship with me will get any better due to our own children. (His relationship with them is good, but still all about gifts/money and not about being close as a grandfather... and they live close to him while I live across the country).

Refuse the money or take it, whichever will make you feel alright. Unfortunately I don't think refusing the money will change her at all. This might be the only way she knows to show her affection and will not realize there are other ways to do so. And, also like my dad, she is doing it to make herself look better than someone else (your FIL). Sad

toridear · February 2012

I would cash the check, send her a lovely thank you note, and be the bigger person. You might always be bitter about her treatment of your husband but it's not going to help you, your DH, or that relationship to send the money back If she's so unaware that she behaved the way she did before, do you think that you telling her to shove the money is going to teach her any sort of lesson or impart any wisdom? The answer is likely no. So thank her for her generous gift, go for a shopping spree on MIL, and call it a day.

DeputiesWife · March 2012

I've been thinking about this -- I think it is a hard pill to swallow knowing that she gave him no support during a very difficult time in both of your lives and for what seems like selfish reasons.

What about setting up a college fund for the baby with that money?

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