What do you do if dad and SM are too demanding. Help!

bestellington · February 2012

Telling my dad and SM about the baby has been the stupidest thing I have done so far in my pregnancy! My DH and I both agree we should have kept that little nugget to ourselves until the baby was 15!! Now our mandatory 4 family dinners a year have been quadrupled at the very least. I learned at an early age to not count on them for any help or advice, just judgement and snobbish criticism ( little hint: I am a bad daughter if I ask for help of any sort). I'm now getting calls and texts everyday from them and heaven forbid I do not answer right away... I am not close to them in the least, so to hear that they will be making their own nursery for the baby to stay brought on dreams of being sued by them for full custody. I know that would never happen, it's just the anxiety of it all. Not only this but my husband has ceased to exist, both dad and SM have gone back to ignoring him, as was the case during our 4 year dating period ( we have now been together 8 wonderful years). There are so many things that we are expected to do with this baby, top of the list is that they get full priveledges to parties, holidays, ect while my own mother, sister, MIL and BIL have been forgotten and will not be included. All my DH and I want to do is to raise our children how we want to and not have their rules and regulations be a part of it. This is supposed to be a happy time for everyone, but they are making everything we decide a roller coaster of hell. They are going to have a nasty awakening when we do things our own way and not include them with everything, so I guess I'll be stuck with the title "bad daughter". It's at times like these when I wish we lived in a different state. I could really use some advice on how to handle this messed up situation.

boymomstrong · February 2012

I am SO SORRY this is your case. But it seems to me that you said your not close and are always the "Bad Daughter", so why keep trying to be any thing but what they se you as already. I feel like its time to let them do their own thing, build a nursery, and attend holidays or birthdays if they want, but if the ignore your Husband, babies daddy, and cause a scene then ask them to leave. Stop telling them about your plans, and stop telling them any thing more than "oh yes, sure we will" adopt the smile and nod policy around them, if you feel you must see them till. You are grown and can do what you want, that mean not letting toxic people in your life without your say so... So don't say "so"

I really hope things work out for you, and you can find a middle ground, but it already seems like there is none, so stop trying, put your energy in to something productive. And be happy in this time in your life!

)

lynsimarie · February 2012

Sit them down and set your boundaries NOW, before baby comes and it's an even bigger problem. If they aren't capable of having a mature conversation with you about your expectations, write everything down in a letter.

The whole situation sucks, but you have to be able to put your foot down and say no.

mamayo26 · February 2012

It sounds like you are going to have to 'hurt' their feelings and say this is our baby and we will be doing things our way...you want to create a nursery fine (you don't have to let them know it may not be used very often...if at all).

AS for family get togethers (birthdays, etc) you are in charge of that. I under stand where you are coming from my parents are divorced (since I was 3) so I am used to playing sides (my mom has this terrible competition thing with my Dad and SM) and my hubby's parent have only been divorced (officially for 18 months) so I have told my husband that it is going to be our way (or most likely my way) or the highway. I am not going to play this grandparent competition game with my little one.

You have to do what you know is right for your LO. If may be tough and you may get stuck with the title of 'bad daughter', but i have learned it is better to say your peace earlier and let it sink in. You don't want to do this the day (or day after) your LO is born.

judahsmommy1 · February 2012

I can understand the four family dinners being doubled... after all, babies grow fast and grandparents like to see their grand babies. This is your family and you (and your DH) get to make the decisions. Don't let them bully you. Good luck!

danibennett · February 2012

I know its difficult dealing with family while pregnant especially if they are demanding and have attitudes about everything you do or decide on. DH and I have a similar situation with my FIL of all people, everything we do seems to upset him even down to the name we picked for our LO. It got so bad that my FIL wasnt even there for DH when I was in the hospital for 2 days with a pregnancy scare, we almost lost the baby due to an IC. You really need to draw the line with them this is YOUR pregnancy not theirs and you need to do what makes you happy and let your wishes be heard. If it upsets them then oh well obviously they dont understand your point of view on things. This shouldnt be a difficult time for you and your DH this should be a very happy and blessed time in your life (although with a few bumps here and there) and they should not want to make anything difficult for you. Bottom line is do what makes the 2 of you happy and I'm sorry your dad and SM have to make things difficult for you. Good luck!!

526SadieSadie · February 2012

The sooner you (and DH) stand up for yourselves and set boundaries, the better. Don't sugar coat things - if you aren't comfortable with your child spending the night with them (as an infant or in general) tell them so. They won't like it - but you're an adult and this is YOUR child. You have to do what you think is best for him or her.

When you set your boundaries, stick to them. Your father and SM will either accept them or not, they really won't have a third option.

Disneygeek77 · February 2012

If I had to be to choose between being a " bad daughter" to these jerks and a good wife, mother, daughter ans sister to those people who truly love, support and admire me, I would choose " bad daughter" to those dopes every single time. To them " bad daughter" = someone with no self esteem and self worth.

sarafb117 · February 2012

stw_77:
If I had to be to choose between being a " bad daughter" to these jerks and a good wife, mother, daughter ans sister to those people who truly love, support and admire me, I would choose " bad daughter" to those dopes every single time. To them " bad daughter" = someone with no self esteem and self worth.

This!

You are the Almighty Mama. What you say goes from now on. Your baby doesn't need to be around negativity, and will absolutely be able to pick up on your stressed feelings when your dad and SM are really getting to you. Set boundaries now, be "too busy" for all those dinners, and call the shots. No one can make you feel small if you don't let them, and it sounds like you have a group of people outside of your dad and SM that love you and let you know you are loved. Stick with them, and keep yourself happy. Good luck!!

dosafyre · February 2012

Yup...time for you and DH to decide what you're comfortable with, set the boundaries, and stick to your guns. It's kind of like training a dog...and eventually they'll get used to the new rules. My DD has never stayed over with grandparents without me, and won't until she's much older...and I totally trust and love them...lol.

Decide how many dinners you want with them, etc...communicate clearly when you are and aren't going to be available to them, and you can ignore any additional harassment from them. And remember...you are an ADULT! You don't have to take emotional abuse or guilt from anyone or subject your child to it.

Want a personalized experience?

What do you do if dad and SM are too demanding. Help!

Re: What do you do if dad and SM are too demanding. Help!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards