My mom is making me crazy (long, vent)...

adoxyinherear · February 2012

I know I posted a ridiculous number of weeks ago about my mom wanting to come and stay with my husband and I for three weeks (and we so do not have this kind of relationship), she is now driving the crazy train rather than just riding on it. Yesterday she told me she wanted to be in the delivery room when I have the baby, and when I told her I wasn't comfortable with that, she was distraught.

My mother and I are not close, at all. The last time I saw her was when I got married... two and a half years ago. Before that I hadn't seen her for three years, and probably as many before that. She lives in another state and while we talk on occasion, my family has a pretty fraught history and I just don't even know where she is getting the idea that this would be at all appropriate. She keeps bringing up how pushy my MIL is, like I'm somehow going to host the entire family in the delivery room. We don't want anyone else in there... and she didn't even have anyone present when she had my brother or I but my dad.

I just don't even know what to tell her. I said everything I could possibly think of to make her feel better (that this is an everybody policy, not just her, that she'd be welcome to visit the hospital, or visit us a few weeks after the baby is born), but she just isn't listening. I understand it is her first grandchild, but this is stressing me out and I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm going to call her again this afternoon and try to reassure her, though who knows how.

Thanks for reading, if you have.

tarrrrrag · February 2012

Good luck, and I hope that everything turns out okay. For some reason, weddings and babies turn people crazy! I hope that she is able to understand what your wishes are and respects them!

adoxyinherear · February 2012

tarrrrrag:
Good luck, and I hope that everything turns out okay. For some reason, weddings and babies turn people crazy! I hope that she is able to understand what your wishes are and respects them!

Thank you! And I couldn't agree more.

jenada2011 · February 2012

((hugs)) I'm sorry your Mom is being a crazy woman. I totally get where you are coming from. My Mom and I speak more frequently than you an dyour Mom, but there is no way I'm going to have my Mom in the delivery room. She can come and sit outside the room. I hope you can smooth things over with your Mom and that she understands.

DragonflyBelle · February 2012

I am really sorry you're under that stress. Is there any way you can pass it off on your OB and tell her that you're only allowed one support person in delivery but that she is welcome to be in there up until you're no longer comfortable (then let your nurse know ahead of time that you want her out when you say so and let your nurse be the "bad guy")?

adoxyinherear · February 2012

jenada2011:
((hugs)) I'm sorry your Mom is being a crazy woman. I totally get where you are coming from. My Mom and I speak more frequently than you an dyour Mom, but there is no way I'm going to have my Mom in the delivery room. She can come and sit outside the room. I hope you can smooth things over with your Mom and that she understands.

Thank you

DragonflyBelle:
I am really sorry you're under that stress. Is there any way you can pass it off on your OB and tell her that you're only allowed one support person in delivery but that she is welcome to be in there up until you're no longer comfortable (then let your nurse know ahead of time that you want her out when you say so and let your nurse be the "bad guy")?

If we were closer I would certainly consider it, but even the thought of having her in there when I'm laboring stresses me out I'm just going to have to keep repeating myself and hope she understands when she's had some time to reflect.

coastalmaine · February 2012

oh boy, that sounds like a fun conversation! I wouldn't want my mom in there either if I were you. I am not even sure if I want my mom in there and we are pretty close. I think one of my friends wants to be there and I really am not down with that, so I am sure I will be having a similarly uncomfortable conversation. Good luck.

tiffanysbride · February 2012

If she continues just know that the hospital staff will not allow her in the room if you tell them your wishes. So on the plus side you have bouncers on the day of. The good news is she won't know until you call her, don't call her until the baby arrives. I am so sorry she is making things stressful. Just remember to stand your ground and not to wavier. Crazy people sense weakness. FWIW I would not call her, it is feeding her need for drama.

briast20 · February 2012

My mom and I are very close, and even I wouldn't want her there when I was in labor/delivering. There are some things that I just don't want to share with anyone other than DH. Luckily, my mom never asked, so I've never had to deal with telling her no. Good luck, I hope you're able to smooth things over without too much drama.

Andreabks · February 2012

IMO, if she keeps bringing this up, i'd tell her to back off. if neither mom is going to be in the room, just remind her that your mil won't be in there either, and it isn't anything to do with her, simply your decision to have time just you and DH and the baby. if she pushes, be direct. I agree that continually repeating the conversation with your mom isn't a great idea. she may think if she bugs you enough, you'll change your mind. tell her in no uncertain terms that you're not changing your mind and can't be there.

Or as other people said, if she shows up anyway, let the staff at the hospital know that you don't want other people in the room during active labor. let them be the bad guys if you need to.

she's already had her kids, she can wait in the waiting room with anyone else.

adoxyinherear · February 2012

Thanks for the support, everyone. I will just be firm with her. So many hugs!

chloebeth930 · February 2012

I would just tell her flat out that none but your husband will be in the delivery room and then leave it at that. Honestly, she sounds like she is more concerned with her own needs than yours.

Daisiesinmygarden · February 2012

Well, you told her how it is and she just has to deal with it. You probably can't make her feel better because she isn't getting what she wants, but that's life. I really would not entertain any more conversation about it. I would reiterate every time she mentions it that you and your DH only want him in the room and then move on in the conversation. If she keeps at it and wont move on, I would end the conversation.

adoxyinherear · February 2012

PetraStonegirl:
tiffanysbride:
If she continues just know that the hospital staff will not allow her in the room if you tell them your wishes. So on the plus side you have bouncers on the day of. The good news is she won't know until you call her, don't call her until the baby arrives. I am so sorry she is making things stressful. Just remember to stand your ground and not to wavier. Crazy people sense weakness. FWIW I would not call her, it is feeding her need for drama.
That's the truth right there!

It so is. And crazy people whom we love always seem to manipulate our feelings!

I talked with her earlier and apparently she is "fine" now and not worried about it. I explained that I'd be more than happy to try and help her with travel and hotel arrangements, but she didn't even seem concerned. Hoping it stays that way!

SouthernBellaKS · February 2012

**Hugs** We will end up going through this with my mom. No doubt about it. Just remember that it's ultimately about you and DH and your LO, not her. Yes, she's the grandmother, but that doesn't give her the right to overrule what you want and what you're comfortable with. I would just tell her straight up that it's only going to be you and DH in the delivery room, and if she continues to try to bring it up, tell her that you don't want to talk about it. Good luck hunny!