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Blended Families
Sigir
member
Why can't I be stronger? (long)
Sigir
member
I guess I am just a loser in the fact that I can't be stronger. I know that because I am pregnant right now I am more vulnerable and that my exh is playing on that, but I feel like he is just trying to destroy me emotionally- as a matter of fact I know that he is trying to do that. I know him after all- I have known him over 20 years now.
You may recall my last post on responding to inflammatory emails.... well, after talking with my lawyer I responded in a way very similar to what you all suggested- not inflammatory, just re-stating facts. And then heard nothing, so I thought that I was in the clear. Not! today I got another long long email, mis-stating facts, stating that since I have my dc in pre and aftercare this is a suboptimal situation for my dc (dc actually loves it and gets mad if we pick up too early), stating that the school sucks and has large class sizes (lie!), stating that dc should come live with him in his rural middle of nowhere and have an in-house babysitter after school (which I think would be isolating and not best for dc!!!!). (sorry not trying to offend those who live rurally and love it).
It just makes me want to die, not to be dramatic, because I can't take going through this for the rest of her life. What kills me most is that this custody proposal is not at all in my dc's best interest but it is an attempt to punish me personally for going to court to make him pay his fair share. This is not about my child it is about me, and that is why it bothers me so much because he could care less about getting custody and he could care less about the schools. He was happy initially when my dh and I moved to our town because of the schools. But his tune changed when the court stuff started in the summer, so now he is trying to make me pay and he knows how to do that.
I am just so mad at myself for not being stronger and for getting upset about this. I know logically that he is just throwing up a smokescreen so that he will not agree to a provider for fall 2012 - 2013, and then he will not agree to pay, because this is his pattern of behavior. After all, he never makes a formal move for a custody change- so it is a bluff. I know logically that he is counting on me falling into the subservient role I played during our marriage and the first few years post-divorce, and give in to him. I guess it is because I am pregnant, but I just get emotional when I think about the prospect of dc having to move again because I know it is not best for dc. So far dc has adjusted very well to everything, and I can not put dc through anything more.
I think the reason I get so upset also has to do with trying to break the patterns of behavior with him that I lived since I was so young, and for so many years. I used to bend over backwards to not upset him when he got like this, so it is hard to break that pattern. It makes me so mad at myself.
I am sure you are going to all get sick of me very quickly since I am such a weakling, but I appreciate your advice and the ability to vent! So finally here is the question- how do you all stay strong when dealing with stuff like this?
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Re: Why can't I be stronger? (long)
You're not a "weakling", you're just stuck in a cycle with your ex. Trying to break that cycle is hard, and it's not going to happen overnight. Think of it like sleep training a baby. The first several nights involve a lot of kicking and screaming and parental meltdowns. But if you stick to your guns the tantrums lessen, you feel less overwhelmed and frustrated, and then eventually all the problems stop. And while the problems with your ex will never fully "stop", it will get to the point where he's not getting the response from you he wants so he'll stop trying to push your buttons so much.
Everytime you get one of these longwinded emails, respond with a short simple, "I'm sorry you feel this way. We'll just have to agree to disagree" and be done with it. Forward it to your attorney and then move on. If your attorney sees anything worth stressing about, I'm sure he'll let you know. If you think he's trying to lay the groundwork to argue about school/daycare in the Fall, have your attorney start getting the paperwork ready to go back to Court for an Order regarding school and daycare.
When my ex and I first separated, he used to pull crap like this all the time. BM still pulls this crap and it's been nearly 4 years. While it's infuriating to deal with, just know that these emails and games are about control. Your ex is trying to assert control over you, your child, the situation in general. And ya know what? You should really feel a bit sorry for him. How sad is it that he still feels like he needs to control you? How sad is it that he has nothing better to do with his time than to sit around writing novela emails to you and stirring up trouble? He must be so incredibly unhappy in his life. Because truly happy people don't feel the need to fight or make other people miserable.
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Hey, we all have things that bother us or hurt us that we wish we could change. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.
You have primary custody, and you are making good, solid decisions for your child. Unless you go on some drug-fueled murderous bender, there's likely nothing he can do to become the CP. From what you've posted, he is used to being in control.. so no doubt this is driving him crazy.
You wouldn't be wrong to just not reply. And maybe I'm just argumentative, but silence isn't really my forte. I'd just respond with something like "DC and I are content with our current situation. While I understand that you aren't, I'm doing what I feel is best for DC. If circumstances change, I would happy to discuss some of the options you presented."
When I'm emailing XH, the more businesslike I get, the angrier I am, lol.
I'm sorry, I don't remember how long ago your divorce was. For me, it just took some time and distance. He can (and does) still upset me by some of the way he ignores DS. And I'm guilty of overthinking things and getting worked up over what usually turns out to be nothing. But I don't really get overwrought like I did right after my divorce.
Thanks everyone. I like the idea of replying with "Thanks for your input, we will just have to agree to disagree", but I always get nervous that if I don't address his lies with facts he will use that email in court to say "look, she did not disagree with this so obviously she must agree". So I have a call into the lawyer for their input.
We separated in 2008 and divorced in 2009, but I have only started standing up to him last year (2011). Before that I would still go out of my way to try to keep him happy because it was easier- so in my mind, it's been less than a year that I have not been under his control. I keep thinking that time and him repeatedly losing in court will make the conflict less, but so far he just keeps coming back strong after every loss. Maybe time means 5 years or so... ugh!
Now that I have thought about it, I am thinking of just replying that I do not agree to a change in custody because it is not in dc's best interest to change schools and aftercare arrangements again now that dc is settled and thriving in our town. I will then ask if he has any other, more realistic alternatives for the 2012 - 2013 school year, and if not remind him that the deadline for application to the current program is this Friday. And that will be it! I'll wait to hear back from the lawyer, but this is what I am thinking right now. It does not address each and every lie in the email but it hits on the important points and shows that I care about dc's best interest.
If he's lying about easily available, factual information, I don't think it's up to you to refute it. I totally understand where you're coming from. But if, for example, he says your child's school doesn't have an art teacher, and it clearly does, the onus is not on you to prove that there's an art teacher.
He sounds like an egomaniac.
Wow. This was me almost exactly about 4 years ago. What *I* did was to respond very similarly to what you said - asking him if he has better ideas for schools in that area, but I added that I planned on 'reserving' my dss spaces at the school I had told him about in case nothing else panned out. That way we didn't lose the spaces while we discussed alternatives. In the end, he had no ideas for that area & took me to court insisting that we either move to his area or that he receive primary placement - the judge laughed & told me to move ahead with the school I had chosen. Obviously every case is different, but I think it's a pretty long shot that he will be able to force you to do what he wants &/or not have to pay his portion.
For the record, most states (not all) require a change of circumstance in the child's life for the change in placement/custody that he seems to be trying to threaten you with. Going to school is not a change of circumstances to my knowledge. You can ask your attorney, but I doubt you have anything to worry about even if he were to take you to court to request it. I think he will make himself look bad by not having an alternative in your area - given what you wrote about him, I'm expecting him to be like my ex & only respond with alternatives in his area instead of yours.
ETA: He also tried to have me cited for contempt for not getting his approval first, but that didnt' work out for him either since I had obviously been trying to work with him on it. I really don't think you need to worry that you'll be in trouble. You sound as though you've done as best as you can to co-parent. :0)Thanks so much for your input. So after 4 years, have things gotten easier and/or better for you? I hope so, so that I can have some hope!
In these emails, exh likes to cite all the things that I have done that are "illegal", when they are really the things I have tried to work with him on and he has refused to work with me on. It sounds similar to what you said, how your ex tried to get you held in contempt. I am sure my ex has just not thought of that option yet, but I am sure he will soon!
Here's a funny one: After I filed for the first time for him to pay his fair share, I took dc camping out of state for a holiday weekend (please note there is nothing in our settlement agreement that I have to notify him of this). So anyway, in his response to my motion, he stated that I was 'fleeing the jurisdiction of the court, transporting dc over state lines in the early hours of the morning' and that because of that, he needed an immediate custody change. Never mind that it was my motion (why would I flee my own motion???), never mind that I have a job and a home here, never mind that I came back after the weekend was over!! The court agreed with me, of course. I can laugh about it now, but back then it scared me and I got upset.
Hopefully some day I will be able to laugh at the emails when I get them, and not just in hindsight.
DH was never even married to BM, but when he gets outrageous texts or emails from her he still gets fired up. They had a casual dating relationship 9 years ago and along came SS. When him and I got together I pointed out some pretty ridiculous things going on and he filed for a custody change.
DH won custody of his son based on things like BM living with her parents and not having a job (she is 36) and the fact that BM never enrolled her child in kindergarten.
BM tries to get his goat by sending stupid emails...and I have to encourage DH to just not respond. Your XH cannot claim you agree just because you didn't respond to some ridiculous email.
Custody modification works like this - there is to be some applicable law the he (or his lawyer rather) can show as a reason for custody change. He can't just say you fleed the state and now he could be the CP. The court just doesn't work like that.
From your posts you seem to know, deep down, that he is full of sh!t and just trying to get a rise out of you. If it gets you this upset, when you see an email from him, control your curiousity, and just delete it. I agree with PP, let your lawyer handle all the correspondance that relates to custody. A lot of children are in before and after school care. That does not make him a better CP because he can provide a private in-home sitter. It actually shows that he has plenty of money - use this opportunity to ask the judge for more CS! Then YOU can hire an in-home sitter (even if you don't)....since he thinks that is so much better.
When we went to trial for custody, our lawyer said having more money is not an issue and if DH went in talking about how he had more money to better care for SS, the judge would simply increase CS and dismiss the custody modification motion.
You are NOT weak..he is weak for making a woman feel that she has to act accordingly to him so he can get his way. Its BS!! I too have an ex that I've known for 25 out of my 29 year life and he is manipulating, controlling and intimidating. Took me the 4th time leaving him to leave for good and honestly if he didn't try to run me down and kill me then I would still be with him 2 1/2 yrs later. It took this man to be locked up for me to get away, I packed up my kids that weekend everything happened and moved 4 hours away, now we're doing awesome. I got a new man and he's great to my kids and we're having a baby together
I know how hard it is to feel like they have that hold on you, that they have that 'say' in everything. But really? They HAVE JACK SH*T! It sounds as though you need more support hun, as mentioned before its crucial that you do whats best for you and your child. And cut ALL contact from him. He doesn't deserve the satisfaction of knowing hes getting to you, he had all those years already, let him move onto another girl who thinks the world of him..unfortunately she will learn just as you did.
A judge doesn't care to be sympathetic towards a mother and fathers feelings. He or she will look at the facts presented and see who is the stronger parent and what is best for the child. When I went for my custody hearings I was advised to present a plan of action for my children..I wrote down where they were attending school, what activities they attended, I wrote about their friends and how happy they were...also wrote down my plans of getting a new job to support them and I expressed how important it was to start educations funds for them at the bank because I had struggled and didn't want my kids to go down the same path. Because we had left an abusive/violent household we were all in counselling, I wrote that down as well. As long as you show the judge that you are making your best efforts to provide for the child(ren) then they have better judgement to rule with you. Instead of ruling with a man who thinks that because his child(ren) doesn't have all the toys in the world that they are deprived, some 'fathers' seem to think that money is the answer to everything. As long as the kids are thriving and safe in the environment they're in then there is no reason to remove them from your care.
You my love have to be stronger for yourself and your kids. Sorry to sound like a hardass but you have to grow a bigger pair of you know whats to overcome what he has done to you. It is sometimes irreversible but you will learn to deal with it. We tend to want attention from the men we did anything for at one time just to feel wanted but really we become the outsider looking in and realize how d-baggish it was of them to make us feel that way. You can do anything you put your mind to girl. The only one who can change things is you, ppl can give you all the advice in the world but you have to be the one to take the steps.
I wish you the absolute best of luck and I hope to hear you blasted that ego of his right out of his head one day by showing him your stronger and better than he is!!!! Don't take crap from no one!!!! LOL Take care xo Be Strong!!