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Blended Families
My SS#2 and the N-Word
So long time lurker, first post. I'm a SM to two Korean-American boys. Found out from the youngest's teacher that he called another child the N-Word...I am part black and aaaaaaaangry. Called DH (who is Korean). He acted nonchalant about it. Pissed me off even more. I can't even look at SS#2 right now I am so disgusted. And the fact that DH had no real reaction other than saying "not much we can do about it now"....there are no words how I feel right now....any advice on how not to hurt anyone right now? Because I really feel like throwing some stuff around...
Oh and FYI, I have flat out hear my MIL telling the kids some bs about how Japanese people are bad, and I corrected her at that time. I'm really rethinking a lot of things right now.
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Re: My SS#2 and the N-Word
Yes, how old is he?
My kid is 7, and he (to my knowledge) has never heard the N-word. So if he did say it, he would have no knowledge of what it really means. There would, of course, be consequences at home, though.
AT 8 I would think he knows it was a mean thing to say but not necessarily that he knows what it means and how badly it can hurt people. Knowing it's a bad word isn't the same as understanding the history and why it's bad.
Maybe a good discussion on why this word is not like other bad words would help him understand the problem with that word and the punishment.
EDIT 8 year olds say stupid things and so I wouldn't direct most of the anger in that direction. (not yet) He needs a chance to explain why it was said, what was going on and to be given the chance to realize why he can't use that word. (beyond "just don't say it")
I would be incredibly upset with my H if I were in that position. HE needs to treat this very seriously so that his son fully understands this can't happen again. If his father dismisses this as not a big deal there's no reason for him to see it otherwise.
EDIT I think it really does make a difference if he understands why this word is more offensive than other words like jerk. NOBODY said give the kids a pass, I suggested explaining things so he would know why he was being punished and why he must not use that word. (and it's good to know what led to it, was the other kids using similar terms?)
There's no excuse for that and me the hubs would be going at it. It doesn't matter if he knows what the word means or not. He knew enough to use it in anger toward someone else. My kids wouldn't get a pass if they used the "B" word or the "F" word, bad words are bad words.
I'd definitely have a sit down and explain why we don't use that word. That husband of yours on the other hand.....good luck with that one.
Ditto this, he knows it is mean but does not know it is racist and needs to be taught this. You need to calm down at your anger towards an 8yo b/c he really did not mean it like you are taking it, it would be like a kid making a mean comment about another kid's mother...they do not mean it but are trying to piss someone off. That said, I would be pissed at your DH that he is not stepping up, I understand if he thinks you are overreacting but it a teaching opportunity. I am not there so it is hard to know what is going on, if he thinks it is no big deal then that is a huge problem but if he thinks you need to calm down and that you are dealing with an 8yo then it is different.
Did you ever discuss racism with your DH before you got married? I would assume as a bi-racial couple you would make sure you were on the same page on this issue, particularly since you have already seen first hand what his mother is like and how that would be addressed.
When you know better you do better. This is a time to teach more then punish. Your SS might be faced with things like this directed toward him one day. He is at the age when he can understand the lesson. A lot of times they don't get how big words can be.
My SS (who is bi-racial) called a kid the f word. This was a long convo and we made him call our close gay friend to talk about it. He would have never called him that. Once he saw how hurtful it was we haven't had a problem since.
Don't make this about anger make it about understanding. He most likely will be faced with some racism in his life so help give him the tools by showing him how much this hurt you.
Oppppps! I logged in as the old me?!?!?!
If it were me, I'd be angry too; at DH, at SS, and at society for putting that filth into my kid's mouth.
But I agree, he probably doesn't understand the gravity of what he said. So make him understand. I'd make him do some research on African American history, slavery, the Civil Rights movement, etc... I'd make him write about it until I was satisfied that he understood the history of that word and why it's so offensive.
Unfortunately, it's not me that gets to parent your SS with you it's your DH. But, if he has a problem with you disciplining his son I'd advise you to tell him the same thing I told my DH "I won't parent a child I'm not allowed to discipline. I'm either all in or all out." And if he chooses for you to be "all out" I'd be distancing myself big time and probably getting my ducks in a row in case more drastic measures (separation/divorce) became necessary. I know that's a big deal, and not something to just throw around, but it seems this is a BIG issue and one that would have to be resolved for a marriage to continue to work.