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2nd Trimester
Well meaning, BUT....
So, I have a question that I desperately need some input and advice on...
I have a family member who has always been the one to guilt trip you for not calling/visiting enough (even though they never call or visit themselves, unless it is to impose the guilt trip). Well, it has officially begun with the pregnancy, the " I haven't seen you since you told us, when are you going to stop by, I haven't heard how it's going" phone call came in. And while i DO understand that this is the first baby in this family, I am also very frustrated. It is my first baby, and DH and I have traveled one heck of a road to get here. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy MY life, and my excitement with my husband over everything we have overcome to get to this point without stressing or being angry or feeling guilty because SHE doesn't feel SHE is being kept in the loop enough. Is it selfish/ out of line for me to want my ME time with my own little family I am creating to enjoy this experience?
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Re: Well meaning, BUT....
I'm assuming this person is either your mother or your MIL and I'm basing my answer off of that assumption.
40 weeks is a long time. You'll have plenty of time to yourself. Unless it's a financial or physical hardship to visit her, I think you should. I obviously don't know the family dynamics here but I don't see the big deal about taking an afternoon to visit with someone who's excited about your baby. No one is saying it has to be weekly or monthly, you could call monthly though.
Not selfish at all.
Simply tell her, she's just as capable of picking up the phone as you are and if she is curious-- she is more than welcome to call and ask YOU how YOU are doing.
If she is miffed, then tell her you are sorry she feels this way-- but you have a busy life and would appreciate her respect for your space during this time.
I think in this case, honesty is the best policy. Sometimes people don't realize how weird/rude/overbearing they are being until someone points it out.
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"Everything happens for a reason"
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Both my family and DH's live about 4 hours away, and most of my good/ close friends live about an hour or so from us. Everyone has been relatively accommodating to us by calling, Facebook, and traveling to see us. I was really sick the first half of my pregnancy and only recently feel up to going anywhere. And there were times I didn't want to talk on the phone to anyone.
I would tell her that the phone rings both ways and unless her car has some strange issue that prohibits her from going to visit you, that she is more than welcome to come visit or call. But explain that you are also a busy person and that trying to get ready for the LO as well as keeping up with everything else is exhausting. Regardless of how she feels about your answer, you are starting your own family and that is priority. Things change when you have a baby and you need to set boundaries now or this person, or other will always dictate your plans and life.
Not selfish at all. My feeling is that just because there is a blood connection that doesnt make them deserving of information. This is a HUGE moment in you and your husbands life that you have obviously struggled to get too, with that you have earned the right to be selfish with the information especially when you know this person is not coming from a genuine place of caring. I say hoard the information of your growing family until your ready to share, other wise you will be so overwhelmed with trying to meet the needs of someone else. I have a similar situation in my life, and it is hard to not feel guilty but I know I would be sharing if I really felt the connection with this person.
good luck!
This!
This. Sometimes it's really hard to set those boundaries (especially with family and/or with people we love), but it's so important.
Oh for goodness' sake! You already see her several times a month and the relationship with your husband should absolutely be priority #1! I get that old people are needy and want to share everything, but you need to heal your marriage so that it is strong when you go into this new period of your life. You're needy too! Good luck with everything. I'm so glad you worked things out with your husband.
Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this. Your #1 priority right now is fixing things with DH. So don't feel guilty about spending all your extra time and energy there.
Here's a thought that might help not only her, but others feel like they are kept in the loop as long as they have access to a computer.
With my first DD, she was the first baby on both sides of the family in 15 years. So everyone (and I mean everyone including great aunts) were interested in knowing it all and feeling like they were a part of it. Anyway, we set up a website (at the time yahoo offered some free) where I posted once a week with an update and tried to include a picture of my belly or ultrasound. Everyone would look forward to my update and it kept the phone calls away as long as I did it regularly. We now have a yahoo group for family and a few friends to check in on us. Though that gets updated only once a month now with 2 kids. Still, everyone is happy to hear a few lines about what's been happening with the kids that month and see a few pictures. The reason we chose a yahoo group was so that we could keep all information private from the general public since we have to approve all new members into the group. It also allowed a way for others to add pictures they may have taken of my kids without them being posted to facebook or other public places. Plus my grandpa who only knows how to do email is able to participate since the updates get sent as an email to all.
To be fair to your grandmother, the wanting you to be the one doing the calling and/or visiting may actually be a generational-respect thing, in my experience. My grandparents and their siblings, and even my own father?who is closer in age to that generation?would never imagine picking up a telephone to call their children and/or grandchildren, nor do they believe that they should. To them, the expected, traditional, "proper" direction of the "care" is from the younger generations up. So, if there's a chance that this is your grandmother's perspective, I would avoid the "the phone works both ways" type of comments because that's not even her frame of reference.
It also sounds like your stress about the other things going on in your life is coloring this situation with your grandma. You described/view her mentioning not seeing or hearing from you since you announced your pregnancy as "[imposing] the guilt trip." Why not try seeing it as she misses you and is excited about the baby? I don't know her, obviously, but I doubt she's sitting at home plotting ways she can make your life busier and more stressful.
Just to play Devil's advocate: Despite what you're going through in your marriage and pregnancy, what would it really cost you to make a 5-minute "Hi. How are you? We're fine. The baby kicked today. We're excited." phone call once a week or every two weeks? Especially since you can pick the time yourself (a time killer after dinner?), and especially especially if you like your grandma anyway (I'm guessing) and you know it will go a long way with her.
Of course, if she's just a miserable shrew that you can't stand and all of her attention seems contrived, all bets are off and you have nothing to lose by ignoring her.