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DS took me off guard!

niknak1128niknak1128 member
in Late Term and Child Loss
Anyone ever had this happen?  I was cuddled up with DS last night watching Dora and suddenly he looks at me and says mommy.. where's your daughter? don't you have a daughter?   I didn't know what to say.  I have no idea why he would know that! We've never talked about it in front of him.  I was 19 weeks and it was a girl and he knew that I was pregnant but it wasn't something that he remembered all the time.. he only knew when I would tell him.. stop bouncing on mommy.. there's a baby in there remember?  I used to say things like that to him but that was really it and we haven't talked about the loss in front of him. I didn't know what to say!  I felt like saying no was lying but I didn't want to say yes and confuse him. 
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Re: DS took me off guard!

  • Auki13Auki13 member
    From everything I read it seems that it's best to be honest with your son.  We were very open with both our kids and even though it was difficult, I see now that it was definitely the best choice for us.  IMO, I would just answer simply.  Yes I have a daughter (you have a sister), but she was born too young and her little body couldn't live here on earth.  If you believe in heaven or an afterlife you can say something about how she is now happy and in heaven.  It is definitely your choice, but if you answer simply, you may be surprised at how well your DS will take the news.  Good luck. (HUGS)
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  • Mjmksb04Mjmksb04 member
    My situation is a little different in that DD #1 came home from the hospital, so DS definitely knows there was a little sister, but he does sometimes take me off guard. We explained to him what happened to her in an age appropriate way right after she died, but he was barely two at the time. A few months ago in the car all of a sudden he asked "what happened to baby sister?" and I explained again, he asked a few follow up questions and seemed satisfied. Its so hard, but I would be honest with him, especially since she was a part of your family and she will always be a part of your lives. That said, we have not told DS about DD #2, just because we felt that especially since their loss days were almost a year to the day, it would be too confusing for him.
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    DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
    DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
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  • niknak1128niknak1128 member
    Thanks ladies.  So hard! This loss has affected me in ways I never would have imagined so questions from my 3 year old (he was almost 3 when it happened).. just really caught me off gaurd. I never thought he would remember. I was showing but hardly. 
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  • johnnys junejohnnys june member
    I don't have any living children yet (outside of my womb), but I have also always heard (and personal believe in this parenting style) that it's best to be honest.  Obviously withhold information or make the information more for his level of understanding, but it's my personal belief that children understand, comprehend, and can deal with these things better than adults can most times.  I plan to tell my children from birth on about their brother Logan.  In fact, in order to help them lean on their own so that it's always "something they know" I had one of those photo books made through Shutterfly.  It literally looks like a story book and has weekly bump photos and a few pictures of Logan in the NICU with a short sentence or phrase on each page.  It literally tells Logan's story all the way to him "growing wings."  I'll have a copy made for each child.  Each grandparent has one too.
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