Did I do the right thing?

blondnearby · February 2012

I am a long time lurker and have posted a couple times on here before but it has been awhile. I normally post on SP but this is more a BF issue.

About 10 months ago EX and his on again off again FI and mother to his son came back to the area and requested visitation with our DDs (ages 4 and 5). I agreed as long as the visits were built up to not overwhelm the girls.

Things were going okay. My Ex has had a fairly unstable time in regards to his residence but was finally granted section 8 housing a couple months ago. He requested overnights then but couldn't handle them. He also does not have a regular visitation schedule, switching every 6 weeks or so.

Around the time my ex received the housing, our DDs started complaining about how they were being treated. DD#1 constantly complains about how daddy and V (the FI) always yell at them and how if their little brother does something bad they get in trouble for it (i.e. he hits them they get in trouble for getting too close; he is 20 months old). His methods of discipline are also not okay in my opinion. DD#2 has been having a difficult time adjusting and has been acting out. He made her stand in a corner with her tongue out and poured hot sauce on it. He made her stand like that for 5 minutes. She was 3 at the time. DD#1 came to my mother and I crying because she does not want to see her daddy anymore. She claims he isn't nice to them, all he does is yell and scream.

I also found out from not only our DDs, but from talking to him as well, that V has not been treating the girls right. I understand she may not have the connection with them that she has with her son but that is no excuse to treat my DDs badly. DD#1 has repeated that V has said she wished life was how it was before they had visitation and that things are so much better when the girls are not around. (she can have her opinions but don't say that in front of my kids).

As of Tuesday, I told Ex that visitation was suspended until we all can sit down and talk.

What would you do? Am I right to be upset? What would you do remedy this situation? I in no way want to end visitation with him but somethings need to change. I understand that some kids don't want to go to the other parents house but at 4 and 5, I don't think it's healthy for them to come to me screaming and crying almost like they are in fear of going to their dad's.

Sorry for it being so long! Feel free to ask questions regarding background. I am more than happy to answer.

honeybee #1 · February 2012

blondnearby:

I am a long time lurker and have posted a couple times on here before but it has been awhile. I normally post on SP but this is more a BF issue.

About 10 months ago EX and his on again off again FI and mother to his son came back to the area and requested visitation with our DDs (ages 4 and 5). I agreed as long as the visits were built up to not overwhelm the girls.

Things were going okay. My Ex has had a fairly unstable time in regards to his residence but was finally granted section 8 housing a couple months ago. He requested overnights then but couldn't handle them. He also does not have a regular visitation schedule, switching every 6 weeks or so.

Around the time my ex received the housing, our DDs started complaining about how they were being treated. DD#1 constantly complains about how daddy and V (the FI) always yell at them and how if their little brother does something bad they get in trouble for it (i.e. he hits them they get in trouble for getting too close; he is 20 months old). His methods of discipline are also not okay in my opinion. DD#2 has been having a difficult time adjusting and has been acting out. He made her stand in a corner with her tongue out and poured hot sauce on it. He made her stand like that for 5 minutes. She was 3 at the time. DD#1 came to my mother and I crying because she does not want to see her daddy anymore. She claims he isn't nice to them, all he does is yell and scream.

I also found out from not only our DDs, but from talking to him as well, that V has not been treating the girls right. I understand she may not have the connection with them that she has with her son but that is no excuse to treat my DDs badly. DD#1 has repeated that V has said she wished life was how it was before they had visitation and that things are so much better when the girls are not around. (she can have her opinions but don't say that in front of my kids).

As of Tuesday, I told Ex that visitation was suspended until we all can sit down and talk.

What would you do? Am I right to be upset? What would you do remedy this situation? I in no way want to end visitation with him but somethings need to change. I understand that some kids don't want to go to the other parents house but at 4 and 5, I don't think it's healthy for them to come to me screaming and crying almost like they are in fear of going to their dad's.

Sorry for it being so long! Feel free to ask questions regarding background. I am more than happy to answer.

That is absolutely horrid. You are definetly very right to be upset. I think in a stiuation like that I would see about court ordered counseling and parenting classes if possible. Unfortunately I don't really have any other ideas. I'm sorry you and your girls are going through this.

FriskyPanda · February 2012

Do you have a court order that requires visitation? If so, you may be up *** creek until you can get the court order changed, and that will require quite a bit of work. I'd probably start with a child psychologist, or social worker, who is impartial and could form unbiased opinion of what has happened.

If there's no court order, I agree with PP in requiring parenting classes and even then I would go so far as limiting visitation to supervised with no overnights. I'm envisioning meeting BF at a McD's play place for an hour or so.

Oh, and you are doing the right thing, and have every right to be upset.

Littlejen22 · February 2012

FriskyPanda:
Do you have a court order that requires visitation? If so, you may be up *** creek until you can get the court order changed, and that will require quite a bit of work. I'd probably start with a child psychologist, or social worker, who is impartial and could form unbiased opinion of what has happened.
If there's no court order, I agree with PP in requiring parenting classes and even then I would go so far as limiting visitation to supervised with no overnights. I'm envisioning meeting BF at a McD's play place for an hour or so.
Oh, and you are doing the right thing, and have every right to be upset.

this

blondnearby · February 2012

We do have CO but it is fairly loose as far as visitation. It says visitation is to be Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9 to 7 and every other weekend, no overnights. There is also a line in the CO that visitation can be changed at the discretion of the custodial parent. This was put in place so that when the girls were ready for overnights I could allow it to happen. Also, DD#1 has started school so that has changed the visitation. He has asked to change the CO as well at least five or six times and I have always been accommodating. Plus I don't see him actually doing anything about it even if I do suspend visitation.

fellesferie · February 2012

I think that clause in your CO covers you in this situation. As in, I think it would prevent him from trying to have you found in contempt right now.

But I don't think it would provide for you to indefinitely suspend his parenting time.

As for what you should do.. I don't know. Does he know that his discipline tactics are inappropriate and that his FI is unkind to the kids? Or does he think everything is great? The hot sauce thing is CPS worthy I think. It might not be enough to do anything, but at least you'll be doing your part and creating a record.

Maybe once you have a few things documented, you could try going back to court to further limit his parenting time pending some therapy and parenting classes.

How upsetting, though. I'm really sorry your girls are dealing with this.

Holly_1007 · February 2012

firstly, you absolutely did the right thing.

I would look into getting the girls in to see a therapist or social worker. not really for them but so they have someone neutral to tak with and a therapist or social worker may be able to help in court as a neutral representative of the girls

I would absolutely want to sit down with XH and FI face to face with no kids and talk. depending on how that conversation goes I would also look into modifying the CO. at this point i don't think your XH and his FI should be allowed unsupervised visits.

Is it possible that the girls are exagerating a little? is it possible that XH and FI are making them do chores or do something they don't like and that is making them not want to go to their house? kids can be quite creative... this also requires talking to XH and FI in person.

if XH is really being that awful to the girls why is he continuing with the visitation? from what the girls are saying he doesn't even enjoy them being there, so why make everyone upset?

you can also look into putting a line in your CO that the girls be with DH the entire time during the visitation. even if FI is being nasty to them, with DH around it should be toned down/ he should be able to 'keep her in line'. FI shouldn't be allowed to be left alone with the girls, especially since they already know she doesn't like them

Karma1969 · February 2012

If you don't have a court order for parenting time I would stop it completely. He can file a motion to get it in an order and you will have a chance to have your concerns put on record. It's inexcusable to put hot sauce on a toddlers tongue. Plus some judges won't allow overnights if a girl friend or fiancee is present. So you might be able to use that to your advantage also.

Littlejen22 · February 2012

It definitely sounds like you are well within your rights to stop overnights and within reason day visits, the CO does not specifically give him overnights. I would tell him that what he did with hot sauce is abuse and his GF telling the girls that it is better when they are not there is also abuse, emotional/verbal abuse. I would tell him that he can have supervised visitation without his GF present. I would also verbally call him out on the fact that he is allowing his daughters to be around someone that is not treating them well, since you said he acknowledged this fact to you, and tell him he can make a choice to be with a woman that does not treat his kids well and tells them she liked it better without them or he can see his kids. Obviously he can take you to court and likely will but maybe it would make an impression with him one way or the other, I don't know if his GF would support him going to court for visitation based on what you said.

Wahoo · February 2012

Document everything - including what the girls told you, dates / after which visits, what your ex told you, etc. so you can use it in court.

+j+k+ · February 2012

This is a no brainer - YES. You have the right to be upset. They are abusing your children. It needs to end.

I'd seek legal counsel and try to find the best way to either terminate his visitation (not very likely) or insist that it be supervised.

Fight like hell to limit his parental rights as much as possible.

KrissyMiss · February 2012

I wouldn't give him any more parenting time that what is explicitly stated in the CO. Hot sauce? You might want to report that, it could be considered child maltreatment. It sounds like the ex (and therefore your children) could benefit from some parenting classes.

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