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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Holly
Phantomgirl
member
You say therapy has helped you a lot. In what ways do you find its helping?
Hope you don't mind me asking, i'm just curious.
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Re: Holly
My therapist is working with me to try to figure out what triggers me to be "hostile" with my SD (I say hostile but in reality I'm just negative towards her)
She has helped me figure out some coping mechanisms for when I get really frustrated with SD.
She has helped me and DH figure out some "code words" to show when I am frustrated or to my "breaking point" and just need a time out. he usually will take either both the kids or just SD and give me a few minutes to re-group, without me needing to throw a "temper tantrum" in front of SD
In therapy I vent about my frustrations with BM, this is really helpful because it is an "outlet" and it helps me not have as much negativity towards SD
hope this is helpful
Yea absolutely and thank you for sharing.
I think it would be good if people posted about what works for them and what advice they get in counselling.
For instance what are some coping mechanisms that your therapist suggested? It would really help others in similar situations
My therapist takes a totally different approach. I would not ever be allowed to 'vent' about anyone or anything. If I mentioned BM (which I never do, its always DH!) I would be told to leave him outside the door and bring it back to me. What am I feeling physically in my body and what happens for me in certain situations. My therapist takes the approach that no one else can cause you pain or frustration. It is the stories around a situation you create in your head.
Basically no one can 'cause' you to be sad or happy, it all comes from within. I have to look in and not out at anyone or anything.
sorry I've been MIA, DS has been very sick and my body is not coping well with this new pregnancy.
as far as coping mechanisms, alot of them are things I have implemented into dealing with DS' terrible 2's as well. such as counting to 10 in my head to give myself a chance to cool down when she says something rude, or does something that upsets me.
the biggest issue we have had with SD is she doesn't listen (she almost killed DS one day when she decided she didn't want to listen to me). she does whatever she wants whenever she wants it. which is purely the outcome of her mom not punishing her for not listening. DH and I have been working together to teach her to listen better, and using a reward/ punishment technique.
before going to therapy I would just get pissed off that she didn't listen, tell DH to deal with her, and take DS away.
Alot of times i just have DH step in as well.
my therapist also helped me figure out that I need to just chill. SD is mostly being raised by BM, we see her EOWE. I do not agree with how BM is raising SD (honestly, SD is a spoiled little brat that doesn't listen to anyone at her moms house) my therapist made me realize that at 5 yrs old, I can teach her that there are acceptible ways to behave at my house, and when she doesn't follow the rules there are consequences. this took the pressure off me to try to "fix" BM's awful parenting and just parent in my house the way I want the kids to behave. even at 2 yrs old DS knows basic rules, no hitting, no yelling, we only eat in the kitchen etc.
the hardest part about teaching these things to SD is that we go 12 days without seeing her, and her mother raises her SO differently. it took a while for her to "get it" and honestly, we still have issues once in a while.