Intro/Facebook Friends?
I've been lurking for the past couple weeks and this is my first post. So here goes (hopefully I get all the abbreviations right - I feel like I just learned The Knot ones!)...
DH and I got married last summer (we've been together 2.5 yrs total now) and I'm now SM to his kids. SD is six and SS is four. We have no kids of our own but are hoping to start TTC this summer. DH was married before and was a SD to her daughter, who is now around 15 I think. They've been seperated/divorced for about four years now and he hasn't had a relationship with the ex-SD since then. Her (or her mom's) choice. We see BM and her daughter pretty often as they live literally 2 miles from us and we go to teacher conferences/daycare meetings and such together and there always seems to be a reason for them to have to stop by our house and drop something off. My relationship with BM was pretty horrible at the beginning. She would constantly remind the kids that her and their father were married, she would send nasty emails about how the kids get dirty and hurt only at our house, etc. After a couple months of it I confronted her and it's gotten better. Now it seems like she's actually trying to be friends, all chatty and LOL this and OMG that, but she's still very controlling and manipulative (and we're already. But because of what I've seen and heard in the past, I know her game is to play nice and then backstab. So I'm not being sucked in. Both DH and I only contact her when absolutely necessary and we limit face time as much as possible. We drop off/pick up the kids at daycare most every day, which is awesome!
DH accepted ex-SD's Facebook friend request the other day after sitting on it for months. This bothers me. Should it? From what I've seen of this girl, she's very much like her mother and my assumption is that she's being used as a sort of spy. DH feels bad for her because he was her only positive male role model. It'd be different if they still had a relationship, but they don't! The only time they see each other is when she comes to pick up the kids with her mom, and they don't even talk at that time. I just really don't want her or her mother to have that open window to look into our lives. If they have questions, they can ask! I told DH my feelings but he doesn't think it's a big deal. Am I totally off base here?
Re: Intro/Facebook Friends?
^^ This. Thankfully Facebook has some great privacy features so you don't have to worry about much.
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Maybe she is a spy for her mother...maybe she is personally interested, ie jealous, in what you all are doing...or maybe she is growing up enough to be open to a relationship.
I would suggest allowing it and even reaching out to her after awhile. If the overtures are rebuffed...then let it go. But being a good rolemodel, even just a tiny grain, is always a good thing.
This is what the privacy setting are for. Please use them.
15 year old girls are crazy people. She could be helping mom spy, she could be jealous of the father her siblings have, or she could be coming to her own person and want a relationship with your DH. She is kind of a part of the family and your children will know her. Imagine when your SKs graduate, get married, or have children. Their older sister will be there and your children as well. I guess I would rather your H have some kind of relationship with her for that reason.
Does BM know that ex-SD is friends with DH on FB? I would be very concerned that ex-SD is a minor and DH has no legal right to her what-so-ever (even though he obviously has the best of intentions). If BM was trying to contact my teenage boys on FB (she has no legal rights) without our permission/knowledge I would be furious. I would definitely make sure that BM is aware and ok with the arrangement then worry about what she can view/not view.
Ex-SD could be reaching out for a number of reasons. If your DH was the only real dad she knew I don't think it's unusual that she would investigate the possibility of a relationship with him. Who knows what BM has told her about your DH over the 3 years of no relationship. If BM is suddenly acting friendlier it is possible that ex-SD feels like she can be friendlier without being disloyal to BM. I think if all three (you, DH & BM) decide it is ok to have a relationship with ex-SD then it shouldn't be a problem. She is a half-sister to your other SKs and will be in their lives.
I don't think it's strange or weird at all. He was her SF. If something ever happened and DH and I divorced, I would not think it was strange at all if DD "friended" DH on FB or my SKs friended me (that is once they had a FB lol). Sure, there could be an ulterior motive but in most cases, I'm sure it's just the child's curiosity of what is going on with her former family members and even wanting to see what is happening with her siblings that your DH might post.
I mean, I'm friends with my sister's BM on FB and she was never even my SM because I am "the baby" from my dad's 3rd and current wife and she was the 1st wife. I am also friends with my brother's BM (the 2nd wife). They friend requested me, because I'm related to their kids....