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March 2012 Moms
VENT: Visitors right after birth
{Sorry, it's long)
So, my parents have been planning to come to visit as soon as I go into labor and staying for a week and a half to help out. I do have some reservations about it, (they can be annoying houseguests) but I also know that I couldn't keep them away if I wanted to (they live 800 miles away and this is their first grandchild). Plus, I will be grateful for the help around the house during those days since MH is only taking off a day or two. If I have a c-section, I know I will be especially grateful. And it's my parents, so I know they will understand when I am cranky, hormonal, b!tchy and less than fun to be around.
However, just a couple of weeks ago, my brother mentioned to my parents that he was planning on coming right after the birth too (he also lives 800 miles away). He hadn't ever mentioned this desire before. I have no problem with it... I understand that he is excited about his niece's arrival and wants to be part of it. I just would have appreciated him letting me know himself. He told my parents, but never called, emailed or texted me to let me know. So I finally just emailed him to find out exactly how long he was planning on staying. We have a guest bed, but my parents will be occupying that. My brother will have to sleep on the couch, which I'm sure he'll be fine with. I mentioned in my email that I just wanted to know how long he was planning on staying so I could be sure to have enough linens, etc. I didn't mention that I was annoyed with him.
He writes me back and says he'll just stay for a few days, but then he throws in that his girlfriend of two years has been talking about coming. He didn't ask if she could come... just stated that she was talking about it. He also didn't address my linens situation, so it wasn't like he was inviting her to stay at my house, but I'm not sure how to take it. If she comes with him, there will not be enough room for all of these houseguests. PLUS she is really allergic to cats, and I have 4. When she is around my mom's single cat she has to take Benedryl and then complains about how sleepy she is all night long.
On top of all of this, I do not like her and that has already caused tension between me and MB. She is really stupid, which I can forgive, but also really annoying. She is high maintenance and self centered... all she does is talk about her health problems (even when we are eating dinner and her health problems involve diarrhea or her periods). It's a lot like hanging out with a 20-something version of my grandmother. I just know she's going to be all up in my face asking me stupid questions about breastfeeding and all sorts of things. She is not my family, and honestly, I don't think I'm wrong for really only wanting family or very close friends to visit.
She is also a smoker (sorry smokers, I'm sure you will find this offensive), and I don't want her holding my days-old baby with her nasty smelling clothing. Once she put her coat on top of mine on a coat rack and it reeked of smoke for weeks. It was terrible.
So I am now in the very awkward position of having to tell my brother (in softer terms) that she isn't welcome to visit so soon after the baby is born. I'm mad at him for putting me in this position. Why should I even have to explain that to him? Am I being an unreasonable ***?
My mother is telling me to just make it clear to him that they will have to stay in a hotel if she comes... but the thing is, I don't even want her visiting right now at all, and I feel like that is kind of my right.
If they were coming to visit in two months or after, I would just put up with her for the short period of time, no problem. But I know I'm going to be a bit of a mess right after delivery and she is the LAST person I want to deal with.
ARGH.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: VENT: Visitors right after birth
Email your bro and say, "I'm so excited to see you! I don't think we'll have room for both you and GF, though. Where are you going to stay?"
I think it would cause more family drama than necessary to tell him you don't want her coming, but you certainly shouldn't have anyone at your house you're not comfortable with. As far as rules for holding baby, you'll probably be making sure everyone is washing their hands anyway. Sounds like a frustrating situation, but one there is only so much you can do. Sorry!
LOL, I hear you about your brother's girlfriend- I have someone in my life like that who is a chronic over-sharer, and has lately taken to give me a blow-by-blow recap of her delivery room experience with her kid every single time I see her. (Seriously, if she says the phrase "mucus plug" one more time, I'm going to snap. Last time she did it while I was eating a plate of eggs!!!!) Also, I totally get that you don't want a smoker around your newborn baby, because second-hand smoke really can mess up a baby's lungs, and even if she doesn't actually smoke around him, I'm sure her clothes and hair still reek of it all the time.
However, having people swarm around and occupy your house is unfortunately just kind of one of those things you have to put up with when you have a baby, especially if it is the first grandchild, niece/nephew, etc. Everyone's just so darn excited and want to meet him and hold him, and they also think they're helping you out by being around, even if that's not entirely true. I don't think it would be out of line, though, to suggest that your brother and his GF stay in a nearby hotel instead. Especially with her cat allergy, she'll probably jump at the chance to stay elsewhere. I'm allergic to cats myself, and I always had a really hard time staying at MIL's house back when her cat was still alive. I would have loved it if I could have stayed in a hotel instead! Besides, who really wants to stay at someone's house if it means sleeping on the couch or floor, surrounded by cats and a wailing newborn baby, not to mention the house already being full because of your parents? Just mention it to your brother that you think it's the best solution, and I bet he'll agree and be happy you said something.
If this were me, I would have to veto her coming. It's not right of your brother to put you in that position. Maybe suggest that they wait a few months and can come stay with you for a long weekend. Tell him flat out, and as polite as possible that because she smokes, you and your husband are not comfortable with her being around your newborn so soon. It's not healthy for your recovery either. The stress of the situation will not be good for you or your baby. If you feel this way, perhaps tell him he's welcome to come for a few days and stay on the couch, but that you will have a full house that cannot accommodate everyone comfortably and sanely.
I'm sorry that your brother is making this time difficult, as unintentional as it seems. I can't imagine being put on the spot like this. I wish you luck in dealing with this situation. I also think that he should understand your concerns. Good luck!
Ugh I don't blame you and that is totally within your rights to want it that way. I would talk to your brother about it and explain to him how huge this situation is and how you really just don't feel up to visitors other than family at least for a little while. If he can't understand that, then that is his problem.
The thing you just said about smoking really struck a chord with me too...my mom is a smoker and will be coming to help for a bit after the baby comes. (Or actually she will be here BEFORE baby comes and then after also.) I know that she is going to want to borrow my car sometimes while she is here and I already told her yesterday that there is to be NO SMOKING in my vehicle, but I am also really concerned about her clothes and stuff smelling like it and then her wanting to take care of B. Sorry to hijack your post, but that just really upsets me and I understand where you are coming from in all that.
I completely understand! You're not being selfish, but telling your brother that you don't want his gf there is probably going to cause a wave. Make sure he knows they'll have to stay in a hotel if she comes.
About the smoking thing--my in-laws are smokers. I'm freaking out about it. They always smell like smoke, will stink up my house when they come inside, and then hold my newborn against their stinky smoke-filled clothes? I'm gonna have to change her outfit everytime they see her! Ugh!
Hang in there, and try to make your brother understand! Good luck!
Your house, your baby, your rules.
Tell your brother that he is welcome to stay in your house if he wants to, but you don't have the room for his girlfriend, too.
The smoking thing is the easiest to handle. I have a couple of smokers in my family (DH is very close to quitting entirely) and I have made it clear to them that if I smell it, they aren't holding the baby. Period. Smoke stays on their clothes and on their skin long after they've put the cigarette out. When it comes to my daughter's health I am not at all worried about hurting people's feelings.
Does your brother know that you hate his gf? If yes, maybe you can address it with him that you don't want the extra stress of her specifically? (I hated being around my brother's ex- and I didn't even have kids at the time... I would be losing it if I were in your shoes).
If not, could you call and ask him if they could make their trip later (like you mentioned) so you can get a grasp on your new family? I have found that sometimes my brother doesn't really "get it" when I im or email him- and when I tell him I'm feeling stressed out over the phone he is more responsive.
Or like everyone is saying- the smoking thing is HUGE!!! Some people opt from taking the baby out of the home for the first week or two- "Bro- I know you want to bring Sally, but I have to be honest- I really don't want a smoker around baby, especially when she's so young... I know she won't be smoking around her, but it's toxic trhough her skin and clothes. Maybe we can talk about her visiting when baby is a little older".
MAKE THE CALL NOW! Get this checked off your list so you don't have to worry about it.
Tell your brother thanks, but no thanks - at least not right away. Maybe he (and just him) can come after your parents leave. That way you will have help for a longer period of time, but not be overwhelmed or feeling like you need to play hostess to everyone.
Also, I would probably make it explicitly clear to everyone that smoking is not allowed around your baby and that extra hygiene care must be taken by those who smoke, i.e. must wash hands and change shirt after smoking before coming near LO.
That sucks. This is supposed to be a happy time for you and your H and it seems like your bro is only causing you stress. Maybe tell him that the pediatrician doesn't recommend a lot of house guests at once, so it would be better if him and his GF come after your parents leave?
And the smoking thing kills me. I have two aunts that smoke. They went in together and got us the high chair at the shower. When we opened the box, it reeked of cigarette smoke. We took it out and are letting it air out, but it still smells after two weeks. I'm hoping we don't have to take it back. This is something that really worries me, especially when I know they're going to want to come over and hold the baby when she's all new. Just try to hold your ground on this! Make everyone wash their hands, and if baby's clothes smell, go change her ASAP.
Just remember you have to do what's best for you and your baby now, even if that means hurting someone's feelings. If they're a reasonable human being, they should understand.
"Go Phils"
Norah Elizabeth - 3.19.12
Thanks for all the advice, ladies. I just really wanted to confirmation that I'm not being a lunatic about this. I'm just so annoyed at the way he sprung it on me last minute like this.... it almost feels like he wants me to say no so he doesn't have to. I could be reading too much into that though.
One thought that I did have that just cheered me up a little bit.... even if she DOES stay at my house (which I'm going to push against), I'll probably only have to deal with it for like one day. They are going to arrive the day I deliver, and I'll be in the hospital for at least 2 days depending on how the baby arrives. They are only going to stay for like 3-4 days, I think. In the hospital, it's should be easy to be able to be pretty restrictive and keep her out of my face.
Either way, I'm going to suggest the hotel (which is what my mother also suggests) and just hope that she decides not to come at all.... I guess that's all I can do.
Married: 5/09 ~ TTC Since: 10/10 ~ PCOS ~ Progesterone from 10/10 - 2/11 ~ HSG on 3/18 - Clear ~ Started Metformin 1000mg & Clomid 50mg 2/11 ~ Metformin upped to 1500mg 4/6 ~ 6/7 Now going to SG and put on Clomid, Ovidrel, Gonal F, Prometrium, Estrace ~ IUI #1 7/2 = BFP!!!!!! March 6th our little man was born.
6/17/13 - Ovidrel, Follistim, Prometrium ~ IUI #1 7/2 = BFP! March 17th our St. Pattys day baby arrived
10/29/17 - Started process for IVF, got pregnant & miscarried a 2nd time since summer. 2/22 started stims - Menopur, Gonal F, Cetrotide - retrieval 3/6 - , PIO, estrace 3xday - FET 4/18 = Beta 1: 616; Beta 2: 1342 = BFP
way to much to deal with! unfortunately you have to lay it out for your bro- think of it as your first uncomfortable parental conversation, believe me you will have plenty of them. you have to do what is best for you and baby- this is THE TIME to be selfish and unaccommodating! might try emailing him something like this...
"i'm so happy you are wanting to come help us with the household chores for a few days after baby comes, you know we won't be sleeping much and all my efforts will be to take care of baby so things will be pretty chaotic. here are some specific things that would help us greatly (list off whatever you need, laundry, cooking, vacuuming, etc)... additionally, i would like to share with you a few of my concerns about your girlfriend coming along..." and make it more about her comforts while indicating in no uncertain terms can she do xyz around baby. and if he still doesn't get it, then you will have to be frank.
sorry you have to deal with this. family can be annoying. after DD was born, my sister would come over every day after work "to help with the baby" but really she was just wanted to eat our food.
My Wedding Bio!
He does know that I don't like her, and it has caused some drama in the past, which adds a layer to my annoyance. He is really sensitive and I know that if I tell him not to come see her right after she's born, he's going to feel left out and dejected. I'm totally fine with him coming, but I don't want the GF there. I just feel like it totally isn't her place.
I have to honest here. Right after the baby is born, you will be so tired and emotional from the hormones, breastfeeding, etc. that you don't need any added stress. I would explain to your brother that while you love the idea of HIM coming to visit you, it's just a little too soon to have so many guests. You will be trying to breastfeed and won't really be in the most "modest" form. Trust me, I walked around with my boobs hanging out (literally) for days while trying to get the hang of it. You may be different, of course, but just a word of caution. If my little bro heard that, he'd 100% stay away.
My other concern would be that there would be people in my house without me there to monitor the situation. How do you know that you won't come home to your entire home smelling like smoke because of the GF? I am not a smoker and I don't have realtives who smoke, so I really don't know the answer to that. I just know that babies being around smoke can lead to asthma issues and can be a cause of SIDS (read this recently). I wouldn't take that risk - now OR in the future. I would always ask him to stay at a hotel when visiting with GF, but that's just me. However, I tend to be somewhat of a control freak.
Haha, the thing about walking around topless is a good point. When I am at home just with MH, I am half naked most of the time (especially since getting pregnant because clothing is so uncomfortable). However, I probably won't be doing that with my parents around anyway. About the smoking. She would never smoke in the house. She doesn't smoke in the house when she visits my parents, and the house does not end up smelling like smoke. I will definitely take all of your advice for WHENEVER she does visit and make sure she washes her hands and maybe even puts on an old shirt to hold the baby.
This is so true. My mother and father are definitely going to help out around the house, and I know my brother will do what he can as well. However, there have been multiple times when the GF has come over to my parents' house to "help out" with an event and done nothing but sit on her ass watching everyone else do the work. One night she was going to make dinner for everyone when we were on vacation, but my mother and I ended up doing the whole thing. She's just going to aggravate the crap out of me if I have to see her right then!
I Totally agree!!
I think it's fair to "remind" your bro that you're going to have just undergone a major medical event as well as being focused on figuring out how to take care of a baby and that you're not particularly certain how you're going to handle non-family visitors immediately after the baby's born. Say something nice about the GF, and suggest that the problem isn't her at all but that you're already feeling overwhelmed, and you're not certain you'll manage to have time to shower, let alone vacuum up cat hair.
Honestly, though, to keep the peace between you and your bro I think you ought to compromise at simply insisting that they get a hotel room for their visit (for their own comfort - because of the lack of a bed, the cats, and so they can get a decent night's sleep without waking up to a baby crying six times a night.) Other than that, a few short visits aren't going to kill you - and you will have plenty of excuses to keep the visits quite short. As an added bonus, the bro and GF are a great excuse for your parents to spend little bits of time outside the house here to give you a little time to yourself.
LOL. That's a much harder task than you realize!
Ugh!! You have every right to be annoyed, and I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable. The thing that bothers me the most is the smoking part...I would never allow a smoker to hold my newborn baby. No offense to any smokers here, but the smell makes me want to throw up, and one of my grandparents passed away from lung cancer due to smoking for decades. I get very emotional about it. Anyway, I would just do as someone else suggested, maybe email your brother back and explain that there isn't enough room for both him and the gf...you can even throw in something about your "concern" about her cat allergy
.
I agree with whoever above said that you'll probably want your couch too. Sorry bro, get a hotel regardless or go bunk with mom & dad.
Gah. I'm sorry you have to put up with this Cho. I didn't even read everyone else's responses so I apologize if anything I say is repetitive, but don't let her come if you don't want her there. Just don't. I knew from the beginning that I didn't want any visitors until AFTER the boys were born and because I had an emergency c-section and didn't call anyone before hand, I got my wish. But had I had the birth experience I wanted/planned for, I still would have told everyone, including my close family, to please respect my wish for delayed visitation.
You are going to be exhausted, hormonal, hungry, tired (it's worth mentioning twice) and you're just going to want to be with your baby. You don't want to have to put up with someone who you're not related to, that you don't like, because your brother didn't have the decency to ask if she could come beforehand. Honestly, I think that was a really rude move for him to make because it puts you in a bad position to either let her come even though you don't want her to or to have to tell him no. Good luck!
I'm sorry about your situation! I know how hard it is when you love your sibling but hate their partner. I had this problem with my sister...she is in relationship with a guy that the whole family hates (he knocked her up and is very verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive, a pot smoker and worthless burn-out. We helped bail him out of jail once and he turned into a complete jerk later when it was time to pay us back, threatened to beat up DH and was an all around prick). She was talking about how she wants to come up and visit sometime after the baby is born (we live 6 hours away). But it wouldn't be just her, it would be her and her baby AND douche-bag boyfriend.
I finally had to be blunt and tell her that, as much as I love her and my nephew, her boyfriend is NOT allowed in our house. DH refuses to let him on the property, and I am perfectly fine with it. It puts tension on me and my sister's relationship, and there are a few people that think we are being too mean about it, but I refuse to be uncomfortable just after having the baby because I have to put up with this guy.
Not that being blunt is the best way to handle things, but maybe you need to make it known that to your brother that his girlfriend stresses you out, and you don't want to have to deal with that right after having a baby.