- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Late Term and Child Loss
johnnys june
member
So tired of living in fear (rainbow baby mentioned) LONG
johnnys june
member
Good morning ladies!
I've been debating for the last 20 minutes if I should post this here or on PgAL, but I opted for here because I feel it more directly relates to my late loss rather than just my current pregnancy.
I feel as though I have been living in fear the past week or so. Well, the past year really. Usually I can get a grip on my fear; I can rationalize; I can be hopeful. But the past few days I feel as though the fear has gripped me and chained me to himself. It started sometime a week ago when I had a terribly nightmare. In the dream we couldn't find Baby Girl's heartbeat. I knew it was a dream though, as if I was watching it but I knew it wasn't my current reality. The nigthmare part came when I began sobbing in the dream. I curled up, hands encircling my belly, and I began crying hystercially -- wracking sobs. This scared me. I didn't want to feel that way ever again. In reality I was trying to wake up -- trying to escape the dream -- trying to escape those same feelings I had when I went into preterm labor and then again when Logan passed. I knew it was a dream and I wanted to escape it but I couldn't. I was half awake, half asleep. When I finally woke up completely I was gasping for air and then the real sobs came. DH held me close, stroked my hair, and told me it was just a dream. The next morning I explained that I knew it was just a dream. What scared me the most what that I couldn't wake up from it......I guess...in a way....that's how reality feels too some days.
After the dream, I started having weird cramps a few days later. It was more a pressure/cramps. Not too painful, but noticeable. Of course, my mind instantly went to the start to my preterm labor last time. I didn't have any spotting, no water leakage, no hardening of my uterus (all signs of contractions). I just had mild - moderate cramping (period like in nature). For all I knew it could have been "growing pains." After a long day at work, and calling both my OB and my MFM, they told me to go home, drink 24-32 ounces of water, and lay down with my feet up for an hour. If the cramps/pressure didn't go away I was to go to L & D. Well, they went away. Ok -- dehydration, maybe? I had drank some coffee that morning (which I haven't done since I got my BFP) and I think caffiene was the culprit.
Fast forward to this weekend. I finally go up the courage to let DH paint the nursery wall pink. We were moving stuff and I was lifting stuff but nothing heavy. We painted and it wasn't overly strenous. That was Saturday. Then yesterday, I had a new pressure/cramps. It was different than Wednesday. I think it was partially caused by 1. Baby Girl is moving and I'm starting to feel her, but she likes to sit on one side of my uterus which causes "pressure" 2. (TMI) I'm slightly constipated and was "gassy." But...regardless, the combination of pressure and cramping that switches sides -- I'm a nervous freaking wreck!!!!!
I sit here and think to myself "this is probably *normal* for pregnancy. It's just growing pains, ect." But the fact is, I'm completely gripped by fear. Nothing will ever be normal about this pregnancy or any pregnancy to follow. I can't trust my instincts. I don't trust my body. And every single pinch, cramp, pressure, or uncomfortableness makes me want to break down in tears out of fear that "today will be the day" I am told to go to the hospital and wonder if I can actually make it to 37 weeks. It's exhausting. It's dibilitating. I was nervous before. Now, with every passing week, I feel more and more afraid. Afraid that this won't be real. Afraid that if *God forbid* anything were to happen to this sweet Baby Girl I love so much that I couldn't go on. I wouldn't want to. Then I think of all the wonderful women who have had to go through a loss not just once, but multiple times. I think of their strength. I think of their anguish. I think that they must have felt the same way -- and I feel weak. I feel as though I was not built for this kind of heartache.
*sigh*
I have a doctor's appointment today. My regular cervical check. I listen to Baby Girl's heartbeat 3-4 times a day already. I can't wait to see her on that ultrasound screen. But I'm nervous -- nervouse that maybe my coming-&-going cramping isn't normal. Nervous that my cerclage isn't holding up. I'm just nervous. I want, hope, wish, and pray that the doctor can give me some reassurance. Some way to determine what is normal and what is not so I know when to be worried and when not to be worried. DH said yesterday "We're counting down now...not up." We're 19 weeks -- only 18 more weeks until Baby Girl's eviction date. 18 more weeks. I just have to make it 18 more weeks....
At the end of it all...I feel so guilty too...that somehow I'm not being a good mother to Baby Girl. That somehow I am not living up to my motto that Logan is my hero. That he has made me a better woman. That I have gained strength, hope, and courage from him. I don't feel courageous. I just feel scared. Tired and scared. I want to see my baby boy again. I want to meet my baby girl. I want to stop worrying my husband. I want to sleep at night. I want be excited that I have a freshly painted pink wall in my house.
Thanks for listening girls. I am sorry if this is difficult to read because for some, I'm sure it's frightening to think that PgAL will be like this. I don't know. I don't know if this is normal for PgAL or if this is me being confused and weak. I just feel a little lost, and I feel as though talking to DH -- pouring my heart out in this manner -- only adds to his own fears and anxiety. I just can't do that to him. I know he's scared too. He just won't show it. He has to be the rock.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: So tired of living in fear (rainbow baby mentioned) LONG
You put into words my feelings exactly! You are almost a month ahead of me but I'm terrified! We still haven't told many people, I still don't like to talk about it and when DH and I do discuss it I can't help but say things like, " IF this baby is alive" or "IF this baby makes it".
I want to be strong and optimistic but it's hard! I want to be excited about this baby but I can't yet! And the farther along I get, the worse my fear gets
I want to be the best I can be for this baby, for Addison. But I'm just not there yet.
This isn't helping you with your fears at all, I know that! I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. ((hugs))
You are NOT weak. While we are all here for late losses/infant losses we still have different situations. My cord failed so I had the reassurance at my u/s that my cord was still working. You went into early labor and didn't know so of course you aren't going to trust your body. You will probably be afraid until you are to the point where they won't stop labor and that's okay.
Do you let your OB know about all of these fears? Have you looked for a subsequent pregnancy support group? I haven't looked into it, but there is probably anxiety meds that are safe during pregnancy. You need to lean on your rock. That's why he's your rock. Please don't hold in your fears to him. Yes it adds to his, but you are the pregnant one. You need to have a safe release person. Or you have me. If you want I'll PM you my phone number and you can call me.
I am so sorry you are going though this. I understand all to well the fear and anxiety, especially the closer you get to your prior loss point. With my last pregnancy, I had the same pressure/cramping sensations around 19 weeks and was told it was normal. They said it was more then likely yur body preparing for the growth spurt that starts around 20 weeks. I did notice that everyday, I was noticeably getting bigger and I was able to feel where he was sitting. So I think they were right.
Given my history, they were willing to let me come in for ultrasounds whenever I wanted for piece of mind. Have you asked about thT? Once I got to my breaking point stress wise, it was time to go in. It would give me peace of mind for a few days before the panick set back in. They are usually mch more understanding with women who had later losses and encourage it. Well... That has been my experience with my current practice.
Our baby boy,Logan, was born still at 19w3d on 7/1/2011
Our 2nd baby boy, Mason, was born still at 20w3d on 1/31/2012
After a much needed sanity break... we are praying for our rainbows
((BFP 7/29/13)) ((EDD 4/12/14)) It's BOY/GIRL twins!!!
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
My Blog
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
My Blog
Huge ((HUGS)) for you!
I know what you're talking about. I ended up in L&D Friday night for contractions and uterine pain. I was terrified that I was going to deliver again, or lose baby girl. I was so bad, I had to change shirts and make sure I was wearing my glasses...anything to prevent a repeat of last time. I happened to be wearing the same maternity shirt that I was wearing when I went to L&D with the twins...I also had my contacts in, so I changed them.
I have passed my loss milestone, but not really. Yes, I delivered at 26 weeks, but after that, I had 3 beautiful weeks with Thia. I'm terrified that I will deliver, and within the first 3 weeks, lose Abby too.
This go-round, hubs is actually being the rock I need him to be. He listens to my irrational fears (because sometimes they aren't rational..even I know that...it doesn't mean I can stop them) and NEVER tells me to stop it (something he would've done in the past). He's scared, too, so that kinda helps. It definitely helps when we sit together and talk about our fears. Usually it's in the dark, laying in bed, but we do it.
I dont think the fear will ever really go away. I havent had problems so far this pregnancy, but every appointment (which have been every 2 weeks since 24 weeks) have been nerve-wracking. I go in CONVINCED that something is wrong. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am constantly checking to make sure I'm not leaking, or bleeding. I sweat down there, and I think that I;m leaking amniotic fluid. Every twinge, or contraction, I think..this is it...this is where I lose Abby too. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I dont have enough confidence in my body anymore to believe that I will bring her home.
Just know you are not alone. We are all here for you! ((HUGS))
I am so sorry you have to feel this way. I know exactly how you feel though. Towards the end of my pregnancy with my second son I was freaking out. I freaked out the whole time but towards the middle/end I thought everything was a labor pain. With my first I was in labor the whole day and blew it off as normal pains. It wasn't until my water broke that I knew it was the real thing. It's so hard to determine what is real and what is not. I had many nightmares too about losing my baby or re-living my first son's death.
Being PGAL is hard. Your hormones are in overdrive and you have so many things to worry about. The best thing you can do is try to relax when you get a pain and take your mind off of it. If you are at home watch something that will keep your attention or at work take a walk with a coworker and talk about something else. Then after see if you still feel those pains or if they feel as intense. Once you get yourself worked up everything seems worse. I know it's easier said then done but somehow you have to keep your sanity. Aches and pains are normal at this point. My son laid on my right side most of my pregnancy. It was uncomfortable but I knew it was just where he liked to lay. Like you said that is most likely what you are feeling.
Again I am sorry you are having a rough time. Like PP said you are not alone. Everyone on here will experience this with whatever babies they have, if they decide to have more. HUGS
I feel exactly the same. I am currently almost 21w with my rainbow baby, and I lost my son at 20w last year due to pPROM. My anxiety increases with every little cramp. Like today, my stomach feels weird and crampy, and I *know* that it is digestion related but it still freaks me out. I thought that I would feel better once I passed my water-breaking milestone and then my loss milestone, but I don't really. Maybe I'll feel better at 24w or at least that's what I keep telling myself...
It's so not fair that we can't enjoy our new pregnancies because of paranoia from the past. It makes me feel guilty too--like I am not focused enough on this pregnancy/baby and living in the past.
BFP on 1/1/11; pPROM at 19 weeks; Jameson Thomas born on 4/5/11 at 20 weeks.
Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye the same day was worth the sorrow.