who pays for what?

morsey2011 · February 2012

When I go out with my parents, they refuse to let us pay for the dinner or even pay for our half. We always argue with them and sometimes we beat them to pay, but most of the time my dad scares the workers into not letting us having the check. Not really, but he's pretty mean looking, so they choose him over us. When we go out with the in-laws, it is always awkward when it comes time for the check. Is it rude to say we will pay for our half or should we pay for their share as well? Just curious how it works in your family.

amyc216 · February 2012

If we go out with my parents or DH's, the parents always try to pay, but so does DH. It's always a back and forth-- "No, no. We'll pick it up!", etc... So, they kind of take turns.

btsrc5 · February 2012

I always try to pay when we go to dinner with my parents because of their financial situation. We always pay for our own with ILs (they pay for DH's 33 yr old brother, but not us)

christiney06 · February 2012

my parents always pay. they wouldn't have it any other way and I don't fight it. I know it makes them happy, sometimes they let me leave the tip.

kmart1tm · February 2012

When my parents visit, we usually split things pretty evenly. We will buy them dinner, and they'll buy lunch or something like that.

When DH's parents visit, they let us treat them every time. They usually get us a little gift while they're here, but they never offer to pay for anything including groceries and they stay for 7-10 days at a time. In case you couldn't tell from my tone, it really annoys me!

morsey2011 · February 2012

amyc216:
If we go out with my parents or DH's, the parents always try to pay, but so does DH. It's always a back and forth-- "No, no. We'll pick it up!", etc... So, they kind of take turns.

This is us with my parents. We've ripped the check a time or two fighting over it.

blu-eyedwife · February 2012

It depends. Usually if we go out with my MIL and FIL we offer to split and they always accept. They would probably accept our offer to pay if we made it, but we tend not too since they always order multiple drinks and the most expensive things on the menu and they don't ever offer to pay for us.

When we go out with my family, we kind of take turns. My mom always tries to pay, but sometimes we can talk her into us paying, sometimes my brother gets the check first. Usually if we go out the five of us though my brother and I split the check and cover my mom.

uberbitter · February 2012

In general our parents pay for the check, but we do pick it up from time to time. We'd pay more often but our parents won't let us. This is in contrast to my BIL who orders the most expensive food and drinks on the menu but almost never offers to pay (it's fine that they're more strapped for cash than we are, but I think ordering the most expensive stuff all the time is rude).

kmart1tm · February 2012

btsrc5:
I always try to pay when we go to dinner with my parents because of their financial situation. We always pay for our own with ILs (they pay for DH's 33 yr old brother, but not us)

ugh! This for us too!! They pay for everything for H's 33 year old sister because she is divorced and in a tough financial situation (which honestly is her own fault. She has a great job but has serious problems with living beyond her means). It kinda makes me crazy.

sewpinkgal · February 2012

I usually pay when I'm out with my mom, but she is also always picking stuff up for the baby or me, so I figure it all evens out.

When we're with the ILs, it's a fight btwn my FIL and H as to who can grab the check first. I think it probably winds up 50/50.

I think, in general, we don't mind paying for the parents because they do so much for us and it's nice to say thank you for that by covering meals now and again.

cantalopes24 · February 2012

Ugh I typed out a long response and TB ate it. My parents and ILs always pay. My parents always want to go to restaurants we can't afford for the two of us to go but maybe for a special occasion and I'm not paying $40+ for E to eat a handful of shredded cheese and some calamari or pasta, so it's just understood they are paying. If we are out with my parents ILs they split it or my parents pay a majority of it and the ILs pay for say the alcohol and tip. We have our parents over to our house and cook for them to reciprocate. This is pretty standard in our social circle as generally there is a huge income disparity between parents and children.

We rarely go out to eat with my ILs but they order take out and have us over and always pay, but they are also the ones always inviting us over and it's usually for something like a birthday or they just ordered pizza and have extra. Plus it forces us to bring the kids over because both sets of parents feel like they need to see the kids daily.

happylady07 · February 2012

My parents always pay, they can afford it and it makes them happy to treat us (my dad LOVES eating out), so I let it be. My in-laws usually treat us too, but we aren't around them very much and often eat in when together.

LCass · February 2012

99% of the time, we don't pay. Once in a blue moon we can convince my parents to let us pay, or if we're on vacation together we arrange that everybody pays for themselves (my dad will still insist on paying for a nice dinner for everyone during that time, though). We used to fight it, but we've kind of given up now (especially since money's been tight the last year or so) and will start trying again when we're more financially stable. We often go out with my grandparents and uncle and his family, too, and the three older men (my dad, uncle and grandfather) each put in a credit card and split the cheque evenly between them. When we've tried putting in a card my grandfather says "Kids don't pay" and we can't convince him otherwise, even though we now have a kid of our own.

As for OP's question, I think saying you'll pay for your half is a good compromise, or else saying "You got the last one, we'll get this one." I don't think you have to pay for your ILs (especially if they buy more expensive stuff, as several people have mentioned), although if they sometimes pay for you it might be nice if you sometimes reciprocate if they'll let you.

rockdragon · February 2012

Usually our parents pay. Sometimes we get to, but usually not. I try to get them to let us at least cover our portion but it really doesn't work out. They seem happy to cover it so I have given up fighting over. I still offer but don't argue when I'm turned down.

Liz4444 · February 2012

My parents, ILs, and my grandmother always pay unless we say that we are taking them out. DH used to offer when we were out with my parents and my dad always told him he wouldn't take his money, so he has stopped offering. That's how it always was with my parents and grandparents as well, the oldest people at the table pay because they are the ones with the most money.

Idomoodou2 · February 2012

Our parents usually pay. However for different reasons. My dad has a "I buy, you fly" policy in which whomever drives doesn't pay. My ILs usually buy far too many drinks, so we won't pay.

However that all changes if we are the ones who invite the other people out. Once we invite other people out, then we are automatically saying that we will pay.

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