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September 2012 Moms
Sage4200
member
Need to know if Im overreacting or should confront MIL
Sage4200
member
So we decided to tell grandparents and aunts and uncles last night and made individual phone calls. We had to stop after the 2nd call because I was so confused and upset by peoples reactions.
First call was to DH Grandparents. After we told them his Grandmother said" Thank God, I have been praying for you. I just asked MIL last week how you were feeling watching all the cousins having babies"...WTF??? I chalked it up to her being a confused old lady.
Then we called his Aunt and Uncle and his Aunt said something similar" Oh congrats, Ive been praying for you for a long time"
Background. We have been married for 5 years and his family is all Catholic..Is this a Catholic reaction?
The only thing I can think of is that I had a previous mc last year but the only people that even knew about the pregnancy and mc were our parents. We also never told anyone were were trying and both times we tried to get pregnant it happened in a few months. Do you think MIL may have shared the MC with family members and this is their reaction? DH's cousin is also pregnant and we found out on facebook, when we discussed it with other family memebers they had known for months. After DH talking more in depth with his brother, he revealed that MIL instructed family not to tell us.
This is the happiets time in my life and I just dont feel comforatable making 5 more phone calls and getting a reaction that has a tone of pity.
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Re: Need to know if Im overreacting or should confront MIL
If it was me, I would just call the rest of the family and just tell them. Ignore the pity, this is a happy time for you, just tell them and ignore the weird comments.
If your MIL did tell the family (which is not right when you told her not to), well at least you know you have all these people praying for you
Good luck!
That's awkward. As a Catholic I wouldn't say that is necessarily a "Catholic reaction." If they knew you were trying, or knew about the miscarriage, then sure that sounds like something someone would say. But considering they weren't suppose to know... that's just awkward. I wouldn't necessarily confront your MIL, but bring it up next time you two chat. At the end of the day, people are happy for you, even if they were pitying you before. No need to ruin that or cause any further drama. Just let the MIL know she stepped on some toes before.
Sorry about that - it truly sounds miserable. (Oh and I'd have MIL finish off those phone calls)
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I don't see the big deal but maybe that's me I do t really pay attention to how someone reacts especially old people they always want their kids and grandkids to have kids and they pray on it regularly.
It is definitely the reaction I got when we told everyone about DS. I think the mentality of those generations is to immediately have kids when you get married, so they assumed something was "wrong" with you two. Or at least people did when MH & I waited 8 years to have a baby. First, we married young. Second, we traveled the world those 8 years. It was bizarre to me that people in our families kind of assumed I or H was infertile. We clearly had other priorities.
Anyway, its up to you whether or not you want to confront her, but if it were me I'd probably be pissed enough to say something. She may have told everyone about the MC like you think. Or they may have had their own assumptions. I know all the Catholics in my family were horrified when I explained that we had things we wanted to do before kids. Trying to clarify my fertility was a waste of energy, IMO. They didn't appreciate the obvious contraceptive use, nor did I feel like they believed me anyway (it seemed to be ingrained after 8 years of thinking that we couldn't have kids). Either way, don't let it wreck your happiness! You're pregnant now, so whatever gossip/rumors may or may not have been spread are out of your control now.
I don't think it is a catholic thing, but a married for a few years thing. I am Catholic, and DH and I just celebrated five years wed in December. I know people are wondering why we don't have kids yet, we wanted time to travel, pay off our SL, etc.
Ignore them, and enjoy telling people. I would assume that perhaps your MIL either told them about your mc or at least said that you were having difficulty having a baby. I don't think they are trying to be mean, but if they are really religious, they just might want you to know they were praying for you.
I would not confront your MIL, let it go and celebrate your pregnancy.
I'll be honest about the praying thing - I'm always touched whenever a family member or someone we know says that they're praying for us.
I think your MIL probably had really good intentions, and I'd like to see only the good in that, but I also think that if she confided in extended family about your loss after you and your DH asked her not to, that's a little uncool. I'd be upset.. but I don't know if I would be angry about it. Maybe a little emotional, but not angry. After all, what's done is done. She told family and they prayed and kept you in their thoughts. If it wasn't repeated in a gossipy context, then I'd let it go.
I would say that right now, try to enjoy and bask in the fun of sharing that good news with everyone. I'm sure it can be a little overwhelming to find out that people knew about your loss or that your DH's cousin's pregnancy was being kept from you out of concern.. but try to think of it this way: All of these people were worried about you and had the best of intentions.
It could have been worse - they could have been rubbing it in your face that you hadn't had a baby yet. That would really suck. :
partial molar pregnancy : bfp 6.28.10, d/c 8.17.10, 7 rounds methotrexate, cleared 7.1.11
alexander patrick : bfp 1.16.12, born 9.20.12 @ 39w1d, 7 lbs./11 oz./22 in.
scarlett irene elizabeth : bfp 5.24.13, born 2.3.14 @ 41w2d, 7 lbs./13 oz./19 in.
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I'm pretty sure/know my mom told a few people to back off about asking me and my DH when we would be having kids while we were TTC. I was getting to the point of dreading coming home for visits, knowing that everyone at their church would be asking if there was any "news."
Maybe your MIL didn't tell them per se about your MC, but tried to tell them to give you space and the rest of your family read a lot into that. I'm sorry it dampened the mood of your exciting moment, but on the whole, you have an amazingly supportive and considerate family. (They might have gone overboard on trying to be "considerate" but it sounds like it was kindly meant.)
I'd bet a million dollars your MIL told some of the family. Which isn't right, since I assume you asked her not to share, but maybe she was just very sad and turned to her mom and sister (or SIL) for support and prayer? Again, it's still not cool, but I can see why she might have done that.
Shake it off. It doesn't sound like pity, it sounds like they're just excited and relieved. My MIL has spilled beans in the past when asked not to, but I pick my battles and just don't tell her anything that I really need kept private.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
That is sort of weird....I would automatically think it's because you've been married 5 years and haven't had any kids yet. Especially if other people in the family have popped them out right away. I'd hate to think your MIL told other people about your MC, but it wouldn't surprirse me. Especially with those reactions.
If it were me, I wouldn't call anyone else. I'd make up some announcements and send them in the mail. I did that because I didn't want to hear the "it's about time" comments from my extended family who have no idea what we've gone through for the last 2+ years to get to this point. My poor grandma--love her like my own mother, but when we told her she said "Marisa, I'm 80 years old. It's about time you gave me a great grandbaby." The way she said it was so funny I couldn't help but laugh.
Nancy James 9.1.12
Calvin Donald 8.27.14
This. Ask before you assume your mil said anything. At the very least, if you do confront her do it very carefully since you don't know she told. And I agree it's possible it's a Catholic thing. If his family is very Catholic and doesn't agree with using birth control, they could all assume you've been trying for 5 years.
Carina 12.28.2010 | Aurelia 9.23.12 | Chart - Round 3
All of this. There's a chance you may have to lay down the law about something with LO, so I'd be delicate with this.
I would let it go. I like to laugh at my mom's family now (she's 1 of 8). My husband and I were married 11 years before we got prego. We waited b/c he was in school forever getting his PhD and we weren't financially ready. Well, we got similar reactions to my first pregnancy - then I had a miscarriage - but got pregnant 2 months later. My son is 8 months and I am pregnant again! We weren't even trying. So, I like to say now - I guess we weren't so infertile, huh?
Just enjoy it - you can't control how others react- but you can control your own reaction -don't let anyone steal your thunder or happiness you feel right now!!
Congratulations!