How do you do it? Please share. At a loss.

dale5689 · February 2012

I am a stepmother to two great kids, 10 and 7. I truly care deeply for them and even say I love them. In the beginning 3 years ago I cherished time with them however liked the alternating weekend schedule when we didn't have them and my husband and I had our own time. Sort of the best of both worlds, one wknd with them, one without. Enter my own two children, 23 months and 11 weeks and the dynamic has changed. It is hard for me to view us as a blended family, I still crave the wknds without them. I enjoy time with them but not sure I miss them when they're gone. It breaks my husband's heart. Am I not capable of doing this? How have others made this work? How do you blend the families, how do you treat the kids equally when you don't feel equally? I'm at such a loss and so is our relationship.

PrettyInPearls23 · February 2012

Is the issue with not missing your SK's or is it with missing your "free" weekends with your DH?

FI and I have already discussed this -- when we have children together, we're going to have one our parents watch our bio-kids one weekend overnight a month that DS is with his father. This way we have one weekend overnight per month, whether it be a Fri-Sat or Sat-Sun that we are 100% kid free. I may feel some guilt at "shipping" LO's off to be with their grandparents for a night, but I also know that a marriage needs adult time in order to thrive.

If this issue is with not missing your SK's...do you have feelings of dread when you know they're coming back? I don't have experience with your type of blended family...just trying to get a better feel for what you're going through.

Holly_1007 · February 2012

I started going to therapy. I would cringe at the thought of SD coming over. we only have her EOWE so we developed a routine- me, DH &ds. when SD comes over our entire routine changes. my DS doesn't eat or sleep as well, DH has to split his (already limited) time between me, DS and SD. it is overwhelming.

Therapy has helped me a lot

dale5689 · February 2012

I do in fact dread when they come over and have anxiety over it. We see them a lot, every other day and every other weekend. I've gotten used to sharing the time with them and my husband and now I have my own children. I cringe when they want to play with my daughter, not sure if it's jealousy or what the issue is. I started therapy but had my 2nd baby 11 weeks ago and stopped but now need to go back. I don't feel like a blended family and deep down fear I don't want that blended-ness. I see us as two families, me and my girls and then them. When my SSs come over I enjoy them but more when my babies are sleeping. My husband has accused me of not treating them equally and my kids come first which to me feel they always will. They are really good kind sweet kids, I am lucky and feel so horrible that I feel this way.

Holly_1007 · February 2012

dale5689:
I do in fact dread when they come over and have anxiety over it. We see them a lot, every other day and every other weekend. I've gotten used to sharing the time with them and my husband and now I have my own children. I cringe when they want to play with my daughter, not sure if it's jealousy or what the issue is. I started therapy but had my 2nd baby 11 weeks ago and stopped but now need to go back. I don't feel like a blended family and deep down fear I don't want that blended-ness. I see us as two families, me and my girls and then them. When my SSs come over I enjoy them but more when my babies are sleeping. My husband has accused me of not treating them equally and my kids come first which to me feel they always will. They are really good kind sweet kids, I am lucky and feel so horrible that I feel this way.

honestly, atleast your acknowledging it. I would work on getting back into therapy, you can bring an 11 wk old with you, I used to bring my 1 yr old when I didn't have a sitter.

I totally know the feeling.. me, DH & DS are a family, SD comes to visit once in a while. its complicated. being a step mom is hard, especailly when you have your own, young children.

first I would explain to DH that yes, your children are a priority, firstly because they are both babies still and secondly because they are your biological children! to ask you to put his children before yours is not fair of him.

secondly, you need to realize that these children are all siblings, even if it makes you cringe when they play together, they need that time together. fake it. put on a happy face. your skids don't need to know that they frustrate the crap out of you, they are just kids.

my SD kisses my DS on the lips(a peck), she is 5 he is 2. I want to vomit every time this happens but I figure one day DS will push her away, I won't interfere if he is okay with it.

Wahoo · February 2012

A couple of questions: Did you always feel this way? Could this be a form of PPD?

I would also add, having an 11 week old baby as well as a toddler is a lot of work and a lot of stress. Adding two other children to the mix, who want/need time and attention as well just adds to your workload. Is your H a true partner in making the house run smoothly, or have you alway been more of the care-taker, and now the extra burden of mothering your own children plus DH's children is getting to you? Think about what makes you cringe. Is it the CHILDREN, or is it the work extra work needed to manage the house when there are there - laundry, cleaning, cooking, entertaining them etc.? It's not fair for your H to expect you to handle the bulk of the workload while your LOs are so tiny. He is the father of all of the children in your home - he needs to realize that there is work involved with raising 4 children.

fellesferie · February 2012

Is it possible that you're just feeling overwhelmed and sleep deprived? Maybe even a little postpartum depression? Are you not getting enough help and carrying that over to the kids?

I love my kids, but I look forward to time without them. I miss DS a bit when he spends the night with my parents, but that's pretty overshadowed by enjoying the break. So I don't think you should beat yourself up over maybe not missing the stepkids when they're not with you.

Cringing at one of them playing with your baby is a little more unusual, and that's the part that makes me wonder if there's something else going on.

Sorry that you're dealing with this.

TheBuddha · February 2012

My SS8 lives with us full-time (DH won custody last year when DS was only 3 months old) and I sometimes still feel dread when it gets close to the time for the school bus to drop him off.

I don't think I dread seeing my SS, I do care about him, I dread the work that comes along with it. I honestly think I will start to dread when I hear my own bio kids bus coming to drop them off.

It sounds like you are totally overwhelmed with your 2 very young children and dread the extra work. You need to talk to your DH about this and tell him exactly how you feel and think of some very specific things he can do to help you. Give him these tasks and you may feel much better. While you get your own kids ready for bed, have him get your skids ready for bed.

Do pizza night on Friday night when they are there. Take the stress off of yourself for making dinner for all those people at the end of a long week. And like I said, give DH his chore list for weekends his kids are at your home.

And it also sounds like DH and you need some alone time. Try to plan a night out on the weekends you don't have the SKs. Ask Grandma to come over and put your kids to bed and go have some dinner. It may really help

dale5689 · February 2012

First off thank you so much for your responses. I didn't know where else to turn. It is not PPD or the being overwhelmed because many of these feelings existed before my own kids came into the picture. It has gotten worse since the birth of my first daughter almost 2 years ago. I don't know why I don't want them interacting with her or why it bothers me so much. They are half siblings and as I said really good kids and I know that it should feel normal but it doesn't. I know this is something I must work out in therapy if I even can figure it out. I mostly dread them coming over because it means contact with my two babies. My husband once asked me if a situation arose with his ex and they needed or wanted to come live with us how would I feel? My silence was his answer. I never knew how hard it would be before getting into it. It is not the life I always wanted but now am living with. I just don't know if I can make it work but is what I'm feeling so completely off base or do others feel it too? He is a wonderful hands on husband who does help with everything and doesn't expect me to have dinner waiting and doesn't care if the sink is full of dishes. He really is a great guy and father. He only wants me to view us as one family with equal rules for everyone and I am having a hard time doing it. This might sound ridiculous but indicative of life in our house, if there's one banana left in the morning I expect him to leave it for our toddler not his 10 year old. He disagrees and said I shouldn't expect our toddler to get everything first. Is he right/

Christine&Mario · February 2012

fellesferie:

Is it possible that you're just feeling overwhelmed and sleep deprived? Maybe even a little postpartum depression? Are you not getting enough help and carrying that over to the kids?

I love my kids, but I look forward to time without them. I miss DS a bit when he spends the night with my parents, but that's pretty overshadowed by enjoying the break. So I don't think you should beat yourself up over maybe not missing the stepkids when they're not with you.

Cringing at one of them playing with your baby is a little more unusual, and that's the part that makes me wonder if there's something else going on.

Sorry that you're dealing with this.

Agree with PP that maybe you are just overwhelmed with all the extra work and parenting 4 kids, which is a LOT more work than just 2! Is DH carrying his fair share of the workload?

Regarding the cringing, are you cringing at them playing with the 11 week old because she is fragile? If yes, I think that is perfectly normal and will fade over time - I had a lot of anxiety when DD was a very small newborn when SD was around because she was always trying to hold and play with her but would get excited and forget to support her head/neck. Now that DD is a little bigger, that anxiety has faded.

I hope you continue to get the help you need. GL.

Christine&Mario · February 2012

dale5689:
First off thank you so much for your responses. I didn't know where else to turn. It is not PPD or the being overwhelmed because many of these feelings existed before my own kids came into the picture. It has gotten worse since the birth of my first daughter almost 2 years ago. I don't know why I don't want them interacting with her or why it bothers me so much. They are half siblings and as I said really good kids and I know that it should feel normal but it doesn't. I know this is something I must work out in therapy if I even can figure it out. I mostly dread them coming over because it means contact with my two babies. My husband once asked me if a situation arose with his ex and they needed or wanted to come live with us how would I feel? My silence was his answer. I never knew how hard it would be before getting into it. It is not the life I always wanted but now am living with. I just don't know if I can make it work but is what I'm feeling so completely off base or do others feel it too? He is a wonderful hands on husband who does help with everything and doesn't expect me to have dinner waiting and doesn't care if the sink is full of dishes. He really is a great guy and father. He only wants me to view us as one family with equal rules for everyone and I am having a hard time doing it. This might sound ridiculous but indicative of life in our house, if there's one banana left in the morning I expect him to leave it for our toddler not his 10 year old. He disagrees and said I shouldn't expect our toddler to get everything first. Is he right/

Just read this post - it sounds like you truly want your bio-kids to receive better treatment than your stepkids in your home. That's not good. You can have the mixed emotions, and you can be overwhelmed at 4 kids under your roof, but you cannot treat your bio-kids better than your stepkids.

You know the intense love you have for your 11-week-old and toddler? Your DH has that same love for all four kids. Can you blame him for finding fault with your treating his older kids like second-class citizens in your home?

juliettodd · February 2012

Christine&Mario:
Just read this post - it sounds like you truly want your bio-kids to receive better treatment than your stepkids in your home. That's not good. You can have the mixed emotions, and you can be overwhelmed at 4 kids under your roof, but you cannot treat your bio-kids better than your stepkids.

I agree with this. If you and your DH ever divorce how would you feel if his new wife treated your children the way you treat your SKs? I get the whole "I love my bio Bio Kids more than my SKs" bit. You can't control how you feel but you can certainly control how you act. If I were your DH I would be crushed to hear that you feel icky when your SKs show love to your bio kids. That is just sad!

cole2144 · February 2012

Christine&Mario:
dale5689:
First off thank you so much for your responses. I didn't know where else to turn. It is not PPD or the being overwhelmed because many of these feelings existed before my own kids came into the picture. It has gotten worse since the birth of my first daughter almost 2 years ago. I don't know why I don't want them interacting with her or why it bothers me so much. They are half siblings and as I said really good kids and I know that it should feel normal but it doesn't. I know this is something I must work out in therapy if I even can figure it out. I mostly dread them coming over because it means contact with my two babies. My husband once asked me if a situation arose with his ex and they needed or wanted to come live with us how would I feel? My silence was his answer. I never knew how hard it would be before getting into it. It is not the life I always wanted but now am living with. I just don't know if I can make it work but is what I'm feeling so completely off base or do others feel it too? He is a wonderful hands on husband who does help with everything and doesn't expect me to have dinner waiting and doesn't care if the sink is full of dishes. He really is a great guy and father. He only wants me to view us as one family with equal rules for everyone and I am having a hard time doing it. This might sound ridiculous but indicative of life in our house, if there's one banana left in the morning I expect him to leave it for our toddler not his 10 year old. He disagrees and said I shouldn't expect our toddler to get everything first. Is he right/

Just read this post - it sounds like you truly want your bio-kids to receive better treatment than your stepkids in your home. That's not good. You can have the mixed emotions, and you can be overwhelmed at 4 kids under your roof, but you cannot treat your bio-kids better than your stepkids.

You know the intense love you have for your 11-week-old and toddler? Your DH has that same love for all four kids. Can you blame him for finding fault with your treating his older kids like second-class citizens in your home?

This! If the shoe was on the other foot, my husband would be gone if he treated my children like that.

TheBuddha · February 2012

dale5689:
First off thank you so much for your responses. I didn't know where else to turn. It is not PPD or the being overwhelmed because many of these feelings existed before my own kids came into the picture. It has gotten worse since the birth of my first daughter almost 2 years ago. I don't know why I don't want them interacting with her or why it bothers me so much. They are half siblings and as I said really good kids and I know that it should feel normal but it doesn't. I know this is something I must work out in therapy if I even can figure it out. I mostly dread them coming over because it means contact with my two babies. My husband once asked me if a situation arose with his ex and they needed or wanted to come live with us how would I feel? My silence was his answer. I never knew how hard it would be before getting into it. It is not the life I always wanted but now am living with. I just don't know if I can make it work but is what I'm feeling so completely off base or do others feel it too? He is a wonderful hands on husband who does help with everything and doesn't expect me to have dinner waiting and doesn't care if the sink is full of dishes. He really is a great guy and father. He only wants me to view us as one family with equal rules for everyone and I am having a hard time doing it. This might sound ridiculous but indicative of life in our house, if there's one banana left in the morning I expect him to leave it for our toddler not his 10 year old. He disagrees and said I shouldn't expect our toddler to get everything first. Is he right/

It is normal to feel like this, but you cannot let it happen. Of course you want the best for your own kids. But you did marry a man with children, and those children matter too. Do I want to save the best stuff for my bio kid? Yes, guilty as charged. But would I actually run my home that way? Absolutely not.

However, if your toddler LOVES bananas and your 10 SK doesn't care between bananas or grapes, ask your SK to leave the banana for his little sister and eat the grapes. He can make sacrifices for his sibs....just make sure he isn't the only one making all the sacrifices.

Holly_1007 · February 2012

dale5689:
First off thank you so much for your responses. I didn't know where else to turn. It is not PPD or the being overwhelmed because many of these feelings existed before my own kids came into the picture. It has gotten worse since the birth of my first daughter almost 2 years ago. I don't know why I don't want them interacting with her or why it bothers me so much. They are half siblings and as I said really good kids and I know that it should feel normal but it doesn't. I know this is something I must work out in therapy if I even can figure it out. I mostly dread them coming over because it means contact with my two babies. My husband once asked me if a situation arose with his ex and they needed or wanted to come live with us how would I feel? My silence was his answer. I never knew how hard it would be before getting into it. It is not the life I always wanted but now am living with. I just don't know if I can make it work but is what I'm feeling so completely off base or do others feel it too? He is a wonderful hands on husband who does help with everything and doesn't expect me to have dinner waiting and doesn't care if the sink is full of dishes. He really is a great guy and father. He only wants me to view us as one family with equal rules for everyone and I am having a hard time doing it. This might sound ridiculous but indicative of life in our house, if there's one banana left in the morning I expect him to leave it for our toddler not his 10 year old. He disagrees and said I shouldn't expect our toddler to get everything first. Is he right/

personally, I agree with you. but I'm NOT the norm and have been flamed multiple times by this board for my feelings towards my SD so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Toddlers and infants require more attention/ have more needs. if your routine is that 2yr old has a banana for breakfast every morning, and one day when sk is there dh gives the banana to the older kid leaving nothing for the younger one? not okay, in my eyes. thats the "disrupting of routine" I was talking about in my earlier post. a 2 yr old is WAY more picky than a 10 yr old, so yeah your dh should leave the banana for the 2 yr old, and find somthing else for the older one, IMO.

a toddler/ infant SHOULD be a priority over a 10 year old, doesn't matter who's child they are. it almost seems like your dh is pushing the OTHER extreme and favoring his skids when they are there to 'make up' for you favoring your bio kids. maybe some therapy for you and DH together? I haven't personally gone this route, I'm working on therapy for myself, and when I'm comfortable THEN dh will come in...

wwnbw · February 2012

This is really sad. I'm with PP if DH treated my DD this way he would be gone in a heart beat. You don't have to love your kids the same as your SK's but I do think they should be treated the same.

Christine&Mario · February 2012

holly71087:

dale5689:

This might sound ridiculous but indicative of life in our house, if there's one banana left in the morning I expect him to leave it for our toddler not his 10 year old. He disagrees and said I shouldn't expect our toddler to get everything first. Is he right/

personally, I agree with you. but I'm NOT the norm and have been flamed multiple times by this board for my feelings towards my SD so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Toddlers and infants require more attention/ have more needs. if your routine is that 2yr old has a banana for breakfast every morning, and one day when sk is there dh gives the banana to the older kid leaving nothing for the younger one? not okay, in my eyes. thats the "disrupting of routine" I was talking about in my earlier post. a 2 yr old is WAY more picky than a 10 yr old, so yeah your dh should leave the banana for the 2 yr old, and find somthing else for the older one, IMO.

a toddler/ infant SHOULD be a priority over a 10 year old, doesn't matter who's child they are. it almost seems like your dh is pushing the OTHER extreme and favoring his skids when they are there to 'make up' for you favoring your bio kids. maybe some therapy for you and DH together? I haven't personally gone this route, I'm working on therapy for myself, and when I'm comfortable THEN dh will come in...

Holly, I think you are totally missing the point. OP isn't saying that bananas are her toddler's favorite food in the whole world and the toddler would be devastated if (s)he didn't get the banana, while 10 year old could care less about the banana. She's making a wider statement about how she thinks the home should operate: bio-kids always come first, stepkids always come second. That is NOT ok.

CurlyQ284 · February 2012

You could split the banana in half and give peeps some yogurt with it so everyone has the same....just sayin.

hopecounts · February 2012

Adding my thoughts as a stepkid who definitely was treated differently and is really hurt by it.

It's really not fair for you to treat your SKs differently from your Bio Kids. When you married your H you made them your kids as well. They were a package deal that you signed on for.

My suggestions

1)stop calling them your stepkids! Reframe it and call them your kids brothers. They are and there should be no half about it. siblings are siblings and should be treated that way which mean by the same rules and kindness for all of them

2) cut yourself some slack of course you feel differently about your bio kids but that doesn't mean you aren't suppossed to be an adult and love your SKs and treat them equally regardless of that.

3) out of love for your kids love your stepkids. remember the relationship you foster between them now be it good or bad will affect your kids forever. A bad one could hurt them later so for your kids sake give them a chance to have a positive relationship with their brothers.

4) do you want to raise brats who think they are better than others by treating them better than their brothers? This is what happened with my dad. He was always treated better than his half-sibs so to this day @ 65 yrs old he has no concept that the world doesn't revolve around him. he has no concept of empathy or doing something nice for others if there is no benefit to himself. While this is extreme by setting up two separate classes of people in your home you are training your kids to see themselves as "special" and not in a good way.

5) If you are Christian remember God's agape love and love them out of his love for them. Remembering that they are precious to him and hold value in his eyes and as such deserve your love.

6) Fake it until you make it. If you make yourself have positive thoughts about them long enough it'll become natural. If you have to use a gratitude journal and write down 1 thing you like about each kid everyday

7) for your kids and marriage suck it up. It sounds like this is hurting your husband and given enough of it will damage your marriage. How would you feel if your kids had a stepmom that felt this way about them?

Sorry this is so long.

Phantomgirl · February 2012

It is not the life I always wanted but now am living with.

This is the most profound of all your statements.

OP you are not 'feeling' anything. You are caught in an ugly cycle of 'thinking', and negative thinking at that.

You are playing negative tapes in your head telling yourself this is not the life I should have, could have, want, need etc.

You need to practice acceptance. Focus on the positives. You have two beautiful children, a loving DH and a safe home. don't let the 'what if's' run your life.

We could all get lost in thinking 'what if' my partner didn't have kids??? I'd be happy, I'd be content, I'd be fulfilled.

Guess what - you wouldn't. Because you would still be caught up in negative thinking and simply find something else to focus on.

Happiness comes from within you. People can be happy in the most adverse of circumstances, they just have to choose to be.

That feeling you get seeing your bio's play with your skids is fuelled by the stories you created in your head, its wrong, they shouldn't be here, there not my kid, not my family.

You will never be happy if you resist the present moment. Simply live and let live. Accept things as they are. Breath.

Easier said than done BUT possible and going back to your counsellor is the best place to start.

Well done in reaching out and having the courage to admit where you are in life. You deserve to be happy and your DH deserves his happy wife back.

If im finding a situation difficult I often recite the Serenity Pryer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (having SKids)
Courage to change the things I can (your negative thinking)
And the wisdom to know the difference (I think you do!)

FutureMrsWittig · February 2012

"In the beginning 3 years ago I cherished time with them however liked the alternating weekend schedule when we didn't have them and my husband and I had our own time"

I feel this way too. I love my SD, but I enjoy the time with just my husband and DD. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

"Enter my own two children, 23 months and 11 weeks and the dynamic has changed."

Any time you add to the family it's going to change the dynamics a little. Also nothing wrong with this.

"Am I not capable of doing this? How have others made this work? How do you blend the families, how do you treat the kids equally when you don't feel equally? I'm at such a loss and so is our relationship"

You can do this. Get yourself back into therapy. You need to get to the root of why you feel this way. Maybe you're overwhelmed by the amount of extra work they create? Maybe you feel second-fiddle to your H or your own kids when the Skids are around? And don't rule out PPD. Even if you had shadows of these feelings before having a baby can really amplify any stress you were feeling.

You aren't required to feel equally about the kids. But you say right off the bat, you do love these kids. Maybe not in the same way you love your own flesh and blood, but that's okay. You just need to take a step back and try to be objective. If these were all someone else's children what would be the fair thing to do? You're an adult, you can recognize what's fair, what's right, etc...

By telling your skids you love them what you are really saying is "I agree to, at all times, do my best to do what is best for you." Love is not always an emotional thing. Try to separate the emotion and just do your best to do what is best.

dmndsr4eva · February 2012

I'm about half way through reading the book Stepmonster. It is very well written and I recommend it. It helps you to realize that almost all stepfamilies go through problems and at least helps you to feel like what you are feeling is normal.

Littlejen22 · February 2012

Is the banana thing b/c you think a toddler should get special treatment over a 10you or b/c they are your bio-kid? If it is b/c they are your kid then your DH is right, you need to work on that or your kid will be in a way more complicated BF.

And I also agree that toddlers and older kids do not need to be treated the same but you cannot expect your DH to treat his kid unfairly.

dale5689 · February 2012

Thank you to so many of you who were so positive and supportive in your feedback. Your thoughts and words of advice were so helpful and inspiring. I came here because as my subject line said, I am at a loss and I am looking for help or any advice to help give me ideas for a better way to make this work. I am committed to my marriage and all that comes with it and am determined to make it work but I am struggling with certain things that I want to fix. So many of you were harsh and to me, that is sad.

blush64 · February 2012

dale5689:
Thank you to so many of you who were so positive and supportive in your feedback. Your thoughts and words of advice were so helpful and inspiring. I came here because as my subject line said, I am at a loss and I am looking for help or any advice to help give me ideas for a better way to make this work. I am committed to my marriage and all that comes with it and am determined to make it work but I am struggling with certain things that I want to fix. So many of you were harsh and to me, that is sad.

I find the treatment and attitude toward your step-kids harsh, at least you are an adult.

I am happy for your family that you are looking for help but it's troublesome that you word things in such a way that you don't seem to really want things to change. EDIT Not that you aren't sincere, just the ways some things are worded it left me unsure if you mean it deep down. It seemed more that you were looking to see if you were correct and if people would be on your side. Example, when you asked if your husband was right when he thought you shouldn't favour your own kids.EDIT I figure you would know it was wrong to favour one child over the other, with food or anything else.

Honestly, the responses I read were not very harsh at all. It's nice to want to change but what happens to the innocent step-kids in the mean time?

I think that you need to really consider the impact your actions and attitude can have on the lives and self-esteem of your step-kids. If you find all that harsh imagine what feeling unloved and unwanted will do to children. Maybe you need to hear it bluntly instead of people telling you it's all good and everything is fine. EDIT It might be a lot easier to forced your self to be fair and treat them equally if you consciously think about the impact your actions will have on them.

I really hope you do find a way to deal with this because it isn't right for kids to be raised in a place where they know they were never quite welcome. Kids are smart, they can usually tell when someone doesn't like them very much or want them around.

Want a personalized experience?

How do you do it? Please share. At a loss.

Re: How do you do it? Please share. At a loss.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards