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Jealousy - normal? Will it pass?

AmamsnebAmamsneb
in Special Needs

We spent this past weekend with family, including all of our very active, boisterous and NT niece/nephews.  My DS basically played in a corner as far away as he could get from the action, which is par for his course.  He was way overstimulated by all of the noise and movement.  Meanwhile, I watched his cousin, who is a year younger than DS, doing all of the things I so wish DS was doing, with a lot of sadness and jealously.

I recognize that much of my feeling may be because we only recently realized that DS is likely on the spectrum rather than just being a preemie who needed to catch up.   But I want to see my niece doing awesome and advanced things and just be happy for her and her mom, without being sad or jealous or bitter.   I feel like such a bad, hateful person.  Will this ever get better? 

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Re: Jealousy - normal? Will it pass?

  • ntyravgmomntyravgmom
    I don't know how old your ds is. First of all, you are a great mom and are not a bad, hateful person. These feelings are very normal. Especially since you are coming to terms with the idea of him being on the spectrum.  As for it getting better, that just depends on you and how you choose to see things. When you focus on his personal accomplishments and what a great little boy he is rather than comparing him to others you will find the jealousy fades. It sounds like you are still grieving your hopes and dreams for him and just need some time. *hugs* Remember diagnosis or not, he's still the same precious little boy you've always had. The only thing a diagnosis does is to give him access to help that he may need to catch up to his same age peers and to give you help/information to help him in a way that's best for your family.
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  • finsupfinsup member

    I think its normal, I hope it passes.

    I'm definitely there with you and I'm still making peace with all of this and coming to terms with it.  I have a friend who recently had a big brag session about how advanced her 9 month old was and how amazing the pediatrician told her he was doing in all of his Gross and fine motor skills etc.  I found myself eye rolling and basically wanting to tell her to STFU.

    This is my friend!  I want her kid to be well.  But I feel like I can't be happy for her right now because I'm too busy being pissed off at the world for the situation I'm dealing with.  But, I'm trying to give myself a break because this whole thing is new to me and I'm still in the grief phase for sure. I feel like Its gotta get better.

    Try to go easy on yourself, what you are dealing with is big, big stuff.

     

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  • lindzedlindzed
    I have a hard time with my nieces and nephews too.  Even worse my daughter is starting to babble and say words and it's only a few months until she will catch up to my son's language levels.  I am not sure it's really jealousy, but more of a reminder of being behind in certain areas.  What helps me is reminding myself of some of the amazing things my son does that other kids his age don't do.
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  • ntyravgmomntyravgmom

    it's like a knife to the heart.

    ITA. It fades but doesn't pass. There's always going to be something. Yesterday I took my boys to the park and a little girl about ds1's height (tall for his age) wanted to play hide-&-seek with him. It was then that I realized that we never taught him the proper way to play. He had no idea what she was talking about. :-(

    I choose to look on the bright side of things. I chose to be glad that he didn't know how to play that way I could still keep an eye on him and not worry about him getting lost. 

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  • nomadicanomadica member
    I think it comes and goes, and will probably never go away completely. I'm in a really good space right now, but every once in awhile I feel like I've been slapped in the face with some evidence of DS being different/delayed. I just try to get myself back into that good space again by taking good care of myself, and reminding myself of all the ways DS is completely awesome.
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  • Assembly_ReqdAssembly_Reqd member

    I spend half my time on the NT world feeling in complete wonderment at what those kids can do and in complete fear about how the hell I am ever going to get Nate to that level of "normal".

    I can't say for me that it is jealousy or envy. I think it is more of the fact that you are daily so wrapped up in the progress you child is making and feeling good and then "whammo!" some neuro-typical cruises by and starts doing something totally fabulous. I wish I could avoid those whammo momments, but unfortunately they are necessary to help keep me motivated...

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  • Florak8Florak8

    My DS has been the only grandchild on both sides, but we are expecting a niece or nephew this summer. I am thrilled to be an aunt, but I am scared that I will feel exactly what you describe. It will be a punch in the stomach to hear my ILs bragging about how awesome my niece or nephew is doing, or just to watch it first hand. I am hoping that the age difference (2.5 years) will be enough that DS, DH and I won't notice it as much.

    I do think that if we look at the situation as a whole, that helps. I am sure that child will have some qualities or challenges of his or her own, that I will be glad DS does not have. :) 

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  • malcivarmalcivar member

    Yeah I'm right there with you.  DS has some words but it's mostly you point to something and he tells you what it is or he points to something and tells you what it is.  And it hurts when family members post videos on you tube of something their kids said - kids who are the same age or younger than DS.  I want to be happy but I find myself feeling jealous, bitter and then scared wondering if DS will ever reach a level approaching normal.  

    I'm also expecting (7 months along) and now I find myself worried that if this baby is NT, what's it going to be like for DS when his little brother passes him in abilities.  I grew up with an ASD twin sister and it broke my heart (still does) to see in her eyes all the pain of realizing all the things that I have or have accomplished that she will never have.  I don't know what I'll do when I see that look in DS's eyes.  

    I don't know that the jealousy, the bitterness, the sadness, the pain of what could've been will ever go away.  I just hope and pray that my good days outnumber my bad ones. 

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