- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
November 2011 Moms
duffmaker
member
My brain is running a mile a minute and I need to let it out...
duffmaker
member
Hi chickies! This has the potential to be long and rant like, so be warned!
First update: BF and I have been fantastic lately, he has been staying home more and more lately and will probably move back in within the month. He needed someone to talk to and he is getting that now, and it has helped immensely. We will be starting couple's counseling in 2 weeks. He has apologized for losing himself the past few months and treating me the ways he did. He has also been so much better with Maya lately! Even getting up at night when she cries to bring her to me! We still bicker and he still gets frustrated, but Rome wasn't built in a day and if we didn't ever argue, I'd be bored lol. On to my brain overload...
Last night we spent hours in bed talking about a bunch of things. First, our next nugget. We talked about how I'd like to spend my pregnancy (not in summer heat ugh), what kind of sibling age difference we would like (2 years, maybe 30months max), how we'd go about the entire pregnancy (finding out, family reactions, doctor's etc.) and all that equaled when we would like to start trying. Now it took us 1 try before, so betting for that again but with a one month window for error. So we decided I'll stay off a bc and stick with good old condoms. September of this year (start charting in summer, try first in August) for a April/May babe... putting DD at 17/18 months. We also decided we'd go Team Green this time! Which, surprisingly excites the heck outta me!
We also talked names, boy is a no brainer... Samuel Joesph, for my grandfather and BF's father (also his mn, we'd do BF's fn as baby's mn,to keep up with the pattern, but that would make his initials STD... not good.) and for a girl we would go with Daphne Elizabeth (I love Daphne and Elizabeth is my mn)... I think but that could always change, unlike our boy name which is set in stone. Ahg again team green! So exciting!
Then we talked wedding (eek... foreshadowing maybe?), I want an early winter wedding. So mid/end of December. But then we started considering baby making against wedding timing... Do we want to plan a wedding for December of this year (we really like the idea of 12/12/12), if all goes as planned with baby that would put me at 4/5 months pg at our wedding. Or would we want to plan wedding at take baby as it comes... or plan on baby for sure and do wedding next year and have 2 before we're married? With a 8/9 month old and a 2yr old? Or would we want to uproot our sibling age difference desires and wait to conceive until after we are married? (anywhere from this December or next December and then wait until September). Doing that would put DD at 29/30 months old or 41/42 months old, when her sibling is born. I am not a fan of that...
But then do I want a December wedding? I have always loved fall/winter colors... but we have a B.I.G. family... both our parents our divorced, but his have been remarried since he was young, so he is close with everyone on all 4 sides! An indoor venue would cost a fortune... I would like a nice backyard BBQ wedding, it would be less expensive, more acceptable for family to pitch in dishes and refreshments and it would be more laid back and it wouldn't be expected to be as "formal", and as much as I would absolutely love a heavy satin ball gown... let's face it chiffon is much more affordable. The longer we wait, the more money we will have to spend on a wedding, but I wouldn't want to shell out a ton any way and I don't want a long engagement.
Planning. Weddings take A LOT of planning... (as I have experienced this weekend, when I actually hung out with adults) my brain is mush enough, I can't even translate my complete thoughts into speech! Between spending so much time alone with Maya Papaya and typing away online... irl, I now suck at talking! But, besides the point, I don't know if I have the energy to plan a wedding... and if I'm pg AND handling a >12month old during the last 4-5 months pre-wedding!? Now that could prove to be very messy! I won't be able to afford a wedding planner (although I already shot my cousin in Boston an email, she is way into planning weddings...). Then the drama in our families is incredible! Then again, I have recently adopted a very steadfast, F this attitude towards all that. I am done planning every single visit, gathering and occasion around our families personal preferences. Maya's birthdays are hers and our wedding would be ours. If they don't like that they can choose to not attend.
My brain is on crack I swear to god! Well thanks for letting me spill over onto TB, I'm completely open to any opinions, experiences or advice! I seriously love you if you actually sat there and read through all my thought throw-up. 
I am going to go start reading Hunger Games now, hopefully that will quiet my spastic head. Fingers crossed Maya wakes up soon, my boobs are way over-full!
Proud babywearing, breastfeeding, vaccinating SAHM of 2U2!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My brain is running a mile a minute and I need to let it out...
Hahaha I am seriously surprised that he is so good with trying for another so soon... especially with the amount of times that he says "I hate babies, but I love you Maya, so don't take it personally" lol
...
is it bad that I was a member of TK for the past 2 years... and haven't been officially engaged at all in that time. (it was "a mutual understanding" before but no ring, then "mutual understanding" went out the window, when all our drama went down) tehe I'm a dreamer, what can I say
Not trying to be snarky and rude, but don't you think you and him should focus on getting better before you start planning your next child? Also, you are planning a wedding, but you aren't engaged? Seems like you are putting the cart before the horse.
You said yourself that Rome wasn't built in a day. You need to remember that and focus on NOW, and not a year from now. You also said that y'all still fight, but you try to justify it by saying you would be bored if y'all didn't fight?! Play a board game if things are that boring. I don't fight with my FI for entertainment. That's actually theist thing I would want to do to cure my boredom.
This.
All I can think of is....its easier to be a single mom of one, than a single mom of two. I realize this is harsh...and I'm not saying thats where you are headed- it sounds like you've made a lot of progress. But you guys still have a lot of work to do. Work I don't think will be complete by this summer/fall. I think you need to slow way down. Its so much more important for the health and well being of the next child that you are in a good place-physically AND mentally. This is SO much more important than how close the kids are together.
Please just slow down, and consider more than just how close you want your kids together when deciding to have another.
This, please.
I'm not trying to be negative here, but I dated someone who was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive towards me and he would claim he was going to "change" and that things would get better but after 2.5 years I was frightened to even get out of my relationship because our issues and his abuse just escalated.
I cannot even imagine having a child with someone who would treat me like that. Do you watch the news? Because everyday it seems like women are being murdered by their boyfriends, fiances, and husbands? And the families always say.. "gosh so and so had such a normal relationship" but in reality he's probably been abusing her somehow. Do you want to end up like that? I really hope your boyfriend is getting help and that he isn't lying to you. Also, stick with the couple's counseling...make sure you go every week for the next 6 months to a year and make him go with you. My ex-boyfriend would not get help, so instead I continued to take the beating instead of his real problems. I count myself lucky for walking out of that relationship alive, because I know what he was capable of doing and it very easily could have ended tragically.
This is my last bit of advice, abusive relationships are like roller coasters, they go up and down up and down and to be honest the "downs" always get worst during the next big blow-up fight. So please be careful and don't anger your boyfriend anymore than you already do, because you or Maya could get seriously hurt the next time.
Posting from an Android sorry for any errors
Ditto to everything PP's have said. He's "changed" for what? Less than a month and your already talking weddings and babies with the man? Please for your and Maya's (and any future LO's) sake slow down and make sure his change is real before marrying him and definitely before bringing another child into the world. It is great that you guys are doing better and talking about these things but it much too soon IMO. Not only that but if you can't afford more than a backyard potluck wedding can you really afford a second child at this point? FI and I have been engaged since Oct and haven't had a single fight in over a year (and even then it was about small silly stuff and didn't last more than an hour) and we aren't even planning on getting married until Dec 2013 and only tentatively planning to TTC at that point depending on how we are doing financially. The way I see it if you are planning to be with someone forever there is no need to rush. IMO, and I'm not trying to be mean here, it seems like you are hoping marriage or a second child will force him to stay with you and I'm sorry to say that it just doesn't work that way.
I sincerely hope you decide to wait at least a year but if not good luck to you.
PPs have said it, and I have to agree- slow down, chicka!
Yes, things are getting better, but it's been such a short time that there is no guarantee it will stay that way. I've been in the roller-coaster relationship before. Fortunately there was no child involved, but it was still a nightmare. When things were good they were over the top awesome, but the next crash was just so much worse for it. Ultimately, he chose his pills and I chose to walk away. It took me way longer than it should have, but I did it. He wasn't willing to get help back then. Now, 4 years later, he is in a good place with a new baby and fiance, but he had a lot of work to put in on himself between then and now. He still worries that he'll relapse into the bad, so he and his fiance get counseling together to make sure they don't go the way he and I did.
I guess what I'm saying it that a few months of good doesn't mean it will stay that way. While I'm glad there is happiness in your world again, I think you should slow down, take a deep breath, and make sure you guys are definitely rock solid before planning too far ahead. Age between siblings isn't so critical to risk breaking a, let's face it, fragile relationship. My DH's brother is 9 years older than him, and while as kids it was a bit weird, they are very close now and have a great relationship.
I feel like you should ignore the timeline for now. Take it one day at a time. Keep trying, keep working, and keep developing a stable, communicative relationship. Every day is another opportunity to build a strong family. If marriage and another child are what you both truly want, it will come in time.
I agree - I don't know how it could go from that bad to this good in a month.
Everyone else is putting it nicely, but I believe that sometimes people need tough love.
Are you kidding me?!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!@asldkf;oasdgf
I think you are f**king nuts to be thinking about these things right now. You are with an ABUSER. That's all wonderful that he's "talking" to someone, but you should make d@mn sure that the man does a complete 360 before you even talk about him moving back in, let alone marrying him or creating another life with him.
I mean, honestly if I were in your shoes the man would be eating my dust right now, because I'd be sooo gone, sooo fast. But if you are hell bent on giving him another chance, which it appears you are, you better be 100% certain for yourself and your child that he has changed.
I feel like you should ignore the timeline for now. Take it one day at a time. Keep trying, keep working, and keep developing a stable, communicative relationship. Every day is another opportunity to build a strong family. If marriage and another child are what you both truly want, it will come in time.
This...I think it's going to take some time for the trust to be rebuilt. Some people have a hard time holding a grudge and are far too trusting (speaking of myself) and you really should slow down and take each day as it comes. Eventually if things continue to improve, then talk about building a life together.
THIS and ditto what PP said about going back and reading your posts from last month when he kicked you and Maya out. You and your daughter don't need that again. Picture yourself with another LO trying to find a place to go. It doesn't get any easier with another baby.