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NBR: Is this just old age or something else?? (long/family drama)
a family member (let's call him R) visited this weekend for DS's first birthday and over the course of 2 days, said at least 3 really inapprpriate things to other family members and friends that he's met only a handful of times.
1. R told my 20 y.o. sister (who has had major heart surgery three times and has a scar from her belly button to about 2 inches abover her chest) that her scar looked like a hickey and she really should cover it up
2. R told my friend that she didn't look like she gained that much weight (hinting that my BIL said she gained weight)
3. R told me and DH that my 16 y.o. sister was "constantly eating bread with butter while she was here, and if she stopped doing that she'd slim down and look much prettier"
I was really floored by all three comments. I wasn't around for the first two but DH told me about them, and with the third comment R sort of went on and on about it. I was so shocked I didn't really know what to say, other than that I'm not her mother and it isn't our business how she eats.
I have known R for about 6 years and never heard him say something bad about anyone, especially anyone we know. Aside from bad lifestyle choices and maybe some off-color jokes or comments here and there, R has always been warm and kind.
I'm concerned that there is something going on besides getting older - my grandparents in their 90's certainly have their say-what-they-want moments, but not as mean or as inappropriate as these. I'm also at a loss for what to say or how to handle the situation, particularly as DS gets older.
Background - R is 65, lives in rural VA, has had small strokes, recently recovered from throat cancer and looked remarkably better this last visit (more alert, pink-er, energetic, etc.), but he still chain smokes, and he has abused drugs and alcohol in the past (not sure about now, but this has me wondering).
any thoughts/advice is much appreciated. R is a close family member and so it isn't much of an option to not see him anymore.
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Re: NBR: Is this just old age or something else?? (long/family drama)
My uncle has had strokes and a brain tumor and he just does not have the capacity to not say what he is thinking. It is hard sometimes to realize that this is the new reality because he looks perfectly healthy but the illnesses have definitely impacted him. This kind of sounds like your relative.
I don't have any advice- I have just learned that with my uncle, it is just who he is now and he really can't help it. At thanksgiving a few years ago, as the whole family is eating, he pushed himself away from the table and said, 'if I smell turkey for another g*d d*amn minute, I am going to vomit,' and just left the room.
My dad had a significant medical event 2 years ago where he was without oxygen for about 10 minutes until he was revived. Today he is physically fine BUT he is a lot like R. The filter is mostly gone. The sense of appropriateness, outbursts, etc. is frustrating. He's not as mean spirited as you described R, but he definitely inappropriate My mom works with him on it all the time, we tell him when he is being inappropriate as it happens and he is amenable to change, but it only helps minimally. For me, I confront things as they happen and stress to my dad that some conversational topics cannot occur when my children are around. Confronting him as it happens is key, because it usually results in better near term behavior and I don't want my children to learn that what grandpa says is OK. Since this has been going on for almost two years, I do know my dad's triggers and I try to avoid them. Some are easy, some like Obama in a presidential election year are impossible, but I really do try to keep things in the safe zone as much as possible.
I tell you, while this is hard, I thought I had lost my dad and I would so much rather have him, than not, so I am willing to be patient.
thanks ladies - i really appreciate you sharing your experiences.
Hey Jellisy - how do you let him know he's being inappropriate, like what do you actually say? I'm thinking something like, "R, that is really inappropriate/hurtful/untrue of you to say, please don't say things like that around us" but I feel like that seems a little bit like talking to a child and might be insulting?? Is it appropriate to ask him to apologize to the person he offended (more as DS gets older so he sees a good example)?
Thanks again for the feedback, and I'm sorry all of you are dealing with something similar, but it does help to know so we can keep it in perspective.
R or his wife haven't mentioned another stroke recently (they were at least a year or more ago) but we'll have to ask more specifically. I guess it is also possible he had another small stroke and didn't realize it (or didn't tell his wife) - he definitely doesn't follow any lifestyle changes to prevent stroke, unfortunately.
That's exactly what I say. Sometimes he is combative, but usually a meaningful look towards my DD makes him reconsider. I don't correct him as often when it is just adults. It's no fun for anyone.