Crying at my desk...

smcjmk09 · February 2012

I'd say i've been handling everything pretty well so far - maybe too well because today it's all spilling over. I literally can't keep my eyes dry here at work. I miss my baby and being pg.

And my miscarriage has brought up the feelings of loss for my own mom also. She passed away this past March. We were very close and going through this without her to lean on just breaks me down. It's coming up on the 1 year anniv of her death so those feelings of grief are surfacing again big time. I keep replaying in my head those last weeks before she passed. They are seared into my mind. And it's all mixing with the loss of our baby and is just one big overwhelming tearful mess.

I need to cry it out loudly like a 5 year old who can't have their candy, but I'm stuck here at work trying to silently wipe my tears.

Thanks for letting me share / vent. Feels good to write it out.

OCIrishBruin · February 2012

(((hugs))) Crying can really help. Maybe try to sneak out and take a quick walk so you can cry without worrying if anyone will see you. I'm so sorry honey.

shanrob · February 2012

I'm so sorry. It's hard enough dealing with overwhelming grief for the loss of your baby, but having that grief on top of your mother's passing must feel impossible. {{HUGS}}. I think you should let yourself dissolve into a hot mess tonight when you get home. Seems like an appropriate thing to do at this point.

orangegoggles · February 2012

Oh hun...I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say but my heart breaks right along with you. I am so sorry that you are going through this and missing your mom. You are a strong woman to be going through this without your mom. Is there anyway you can sneak out for a bit to calm down? Everyone needs some time to cry. (((Hugs)))

aussiedaze · February 2012

((HUGE HUGS)) I am so sorry. It sucks to have to deal with all the TTCAL stuff on top of the anniversary of your mom's passing. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling, but know that all of us are here for you.

mijakach · February 2012

I am so sorry hun. I have definitely had days like that at work so I know how you're feeling. Just try your best to relax and make it through the day. And if you need to have a nice big cry when you get home, don't be afraid to let it out. ((Hugs))

KacyChicago · February 2012

I'm so sorry to hear this! I hate crying at my desk ... It's just the worst. (And boy, have I done a lot of it this month, so know that you're not alone!) And yes, I am at my worst when I start thinking about how much I miss my baby ... How sad I am that I am no longer pregnant.

I too want to say that I am handling it all well, but then something will happen and I completely have a mini meltdown. (Case in point? We were walking to get breakfast Sunday morning, and I stumbled over a crack ... Man, did that piss me off! I just felt so conspired against, and it was a silly sidewalk!)

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. I can only imagine how hard it has been to go through this without her. I got my positive pregnancy test three years to the day my Dad died ... And just felt like it was a sign that everything would be amazing. Well, we know how that turned out ... Plus, my loss has brought up so much sadness for him as well. (So know, that even though it may not be as fresh, I understand how all of that is making you feel today as well.)

I know that we don't "know" each other, but I can already tell over these past five weeks just how strong that you are. But it is OK to cry ... It is OK to break down ... It is OK to be angry ... And it is OK to grieve!

I hope the end of your day comes soon, and you can go home and really cry it out. (Five-year-olds know where it's at!) I will be thinking about you even more, and just know how sorry I am again about the loss of your Mom.

cg0112358 · February 2012

((hugs)) I'm so sorry. I lost my mother in March, as well. This year marks the 20th anniversary of her passing. My T&Ps are with you during this rough time.

katharine25 · February 2012

((((((( hugs))))))))

Allycat11 · February 2012

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. (((hugs)))

smcjmk09 · February 2012

Thank you all do much for the TLC - you guys are great!

Wicked - thanks for the breathing / relaxation excerpt. I participated in a mediation group on Sunday an it reminded me of that. Much needed.

Kacy - damn sidewalks! And I totally would have taken it as a sign too so I can imagine how the wind has been knocked out of your sails. So sorry for the loss of the dad.

CG0112358 - so sorry for the loss of your mom as well. No matter how much time passes we'll carry a little of that pain with us always.

FreyaWin2382 · February 2012

Sometimes it can totally catch us off guard how the sadness and grief can just well up, almost out of nowhere. I am so, so sorry. Big (((HUGS))) to you and know that you are not alone.

benoitfan · February 2012

I'm so sorry. Some days are just worse than others. You are reacting in a completely normal to the loss of your little one and the upcoming anniversary of your mother's death. I can not even begin to imagine how difficult that must be. When you have the opportunity to let the tears flow, do it. I have shed a few at my desk today as well. Just a rough day for me for some reason. Please know you are not alone and that we are all here for you. ((HUGS)), I hope your day gets better.

bluebonnetmeg · February 2012

((hugs)) I am so so sorry. I will be thinking about you today.

jelero · February 2012

I'm so sorry that you're hurting from both losses right now. That must be so hard. I know the feeling of wanting to ball your eyes out at work... it's tough to make it through the day. Hopefully you'll get a break where you can leave for a few minutes, or at least have a good hard cry when you get home this evening. ((hugs))

rayofsunshine99 · February 2012

Oh hun I am so sorry. I know the feeling of trying to hold back the sobs at your desk. It is so hard. And you don't even want to get up to go to the bathroom to let it out, for fear that someone will see you on the way there and notice your face. If you can, I would leave and take a mental health day. You're probably not going to be very productive there anyway and I am sure they would understand.

It's so hard, I know. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Make sure to take care of you, too.

raashton · February 2012

Hugs and love to you, sweetheart! With so much grief, you must feel so weighted down.

Just a few more hours and then you can go home and let it all out, you deserve that release! I am proud of you for sticking the day out, though.

foxxy1 · February 2012

I say cry it out. It often makes me feel better. *hugs*

mmm920 · February 2012

I just had to reply and just give you big big big HUGS! I'm so so so sorry for your loss of your baby and mom. This post really got my attention because I too am feeling this way today. And I too have been crying at work. I lost my grandma last week and she was one of my best friends. Like you, I really think I handled the miscarriage pretty well. But now having lost my grandma everything is just coming out. I attribute this to the fact that I have been going non stop since after my m/c. Not by my choice just so much going on. Then with my grandma, of course that took over, and then my entire family was in a wedding this past weekend. FINALLY things are calm. And finally I think I'm truly feeling every emotion.

I'm really never great with responding to posts because I never know what to say. And thats how I am in real life too. I just can't ever find the right words. So what I usually do in real life is just give a great big hug. A hug says a lot and thats exactly what I'm going to do for you ((((HUGS)))))

Krissy2388 · February 2012

Cry, share/vent, do what you gotta do to get through the day! That's all anyone can do going through what you have. I'm so sorry that today is so awful If I was there, I hand you the tissues & give you lots of ((HUGS))!!!!

I hope the rest of the day goes fast so that you can just go home & have a little more peace.

smcjmk09 · February 2012

mmm920:
I just had to reply and just give you big big big HUGS! I'm so so so sorry for your loss of your baby and mom. This post really got my attention because I too am feeling this way today. And I too have been crying at work. I lost my grandma last week and she was one of my best friends. Like you, I really think I handled the miscarriage pretty well. But now having lost my grandma everything is just coming out. I attribute this to the fact that I have been going non stop since after my m/c. Not by my choice just so much going on. Then with my grandma, of course that took over, and then my entire family was in a wedding this past weekend. FINALLY things are calm. And finally I think I'm truly feeling every emotion.

I'm really never great with responding to posts because I never know what to say. And thats how I am in real life too. I just can't ever find the right words. So what I usually do in real life is just give a great big hug. A hug says a lot and thats exactly what I'm going to do for you ((((HUGS)))))

Thank you for coming out of your comfort zone to post and share. I'm so sorry for your loss - losing our babies is hard enough and then having to add on the loss of other loved ones simply is not fair. To put it frankly it downright sucks! Sending some {{hugs}} to you also.

jinxycat24 · February 2012

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The loss of your baby is a big enough loss but coupled with the loss of your mother is heartbreaking. Everything you are feeling is normal and expected. Don't feel bad about being sad. At some point we have all had this moment and you just have to let it out.

Maybe you can try to escape work early so you can go home and cry as musch as you need.

Huge (((hugs)))

LorriAnn · February 2012

smcjmk09:

I'd say i've been handling everything pretty well so far - maybe too well because today it's all spilling over. I literally can't keep my eyes dry here at work. I miss my baby and being pg.

And my miscarriage has brought up the feelings of loss for my own mom also. She passed away this past March. We were very close and going through this without her to lean on just breaks me down. It's coming up on the 1 year anniv of her death so those feelings of grief are surfacing again big time. I keep replaying in my head those last weeks before she passed. They are seared into my mind. And it's all mixing with the loss of our baby and is just one big overwhelming tearful mess.

I need to cry it out loudly like a 5 year old who can't have their candy, but I'm stuck here at work trying to silently wipe my tears.

Thanks for letting me share / vent. Feels good to write it out.

OMG.. can totally sympathize with you.. I lost my mom unexpectedly in July, miscarried at 9w2d on Dec 1.. (found out about begin pg on my grandmothers 1 yr anniversary and would have been due on my mom's 1 year).. talk about an emotional rollercoaster.. and to top it off.. hubby wasnt too thrilled about pg as we just got back together after him leaving me for a year.. I know exactly what you are going through.. my mom's bday is this friday and I have been so emotional all week.. probably a combo of not fully greiving over her and miscarrying or knowing if I am pg again .. lol..

chop2428 · February 2012

((HUGS)) I could have written this post completely. My mother passed away a year ago last December. It was so hard to go through my first mc without her. When I was approaching her one year anniversary, I began feeling that same anxiety and sadness. I actually found out I was going to miscarry for a second time right around the anniversary of the day she passed, so that made it worse. I still become a sobbing mess thinking about how I wish she was here to hold my hand through all of this. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk or just vent about it. I hope you feel better soon!

smcjmk09 · February 2012

chop2428:
((HUGS)) I could have written this post completely. My mother passed away a year ago last December. It was so hard to go through my first mc without her. When I was approaching her one year anniversary, I began feeling that same anxiety and sadness. I actually found out I was going to miscarry for a second time right around the anniversary of the day she passed, so that made it worse. I still become a sobbing mess thinking about how I wish she was here to hold my hand through all of this. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk or just vent about it. I hope you feel better soon!

Thanks, Chop, for the offer to PM and for sharing. I'm so sorry for your loss.

THANK YOU to all of you wonderful, caring women for taking some time out of your day to give extra support - really does mean so much to know I'm not alone!!

sammer818 · February 2012

I'm so sorry. *HUGS*

lotus88 · February 2012

I'm so sorry you're dealing with. ((hugs))

tashpede · February 2012

I am so sorry, hon.

I can't imagine what you are feeling with all of this... my mom is my best friend and I don't even know if I could hold up.

Sending lots of good thoughts and keep you in my prayers that you find some much needed peace soon.

(((HUGS)))

Carolee · February 2012

(((HUGS))).

bananers · February 2012

I'm so sorry. The grief you're feeling is bad enough, but crying at work just makes things feel even worse. I have been there many times and it sucks so bad. Hope you can let everything out tonight and get some healing from it. I truly believe that sometimes you just need to have a good cry. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. ((hugs))

thatlauragirl · February 2012

I'm so sorry. My grief tends to interrelate as well. I hope you were able to find a place where you could have a good, loud cry. ((hugs))

butterfly843 · February 2012

Sending ((hugs)), It's hard when you just want to cry and you are at work. I usually try to hold it in at work and cry on the drive home. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

smcjmk09 · February 2012

Thank you all for the wonderful thoughts and hugs! You guys rock!

p.s. I had a good cry on my way home and while not healed... I'm feeling a little less fragile.

StephRN23 · February 2012

I'm so sorry! Today was rough for me too. I kept the tears in at work, as soon as I got in my car, the flood gates opened. I feel slightly more human after the cry. I hope you get a good one in yourself! ((HUGS))

Laurakat81 · February 2012

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

ChloBub · February 2012

I'm getting to this late, so I certainly hope you're not still at your desk, but I wanted to add big ((((HUGS)))). I hope crying it out made you feel better and that you've been able to rest well tonight.

buckeyebaby814 · February 2012

::HUGS::

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