help being a good AP parent with 2 children...

Annie Marie · February 2012

I'm feeling like a terrible parent now that I have 2. I feel like I have to constantly choose which LO gets my attention. I'm sure this will get better when DS (now 1 month) gets a little older & less fragile. I wear DS all of the time, but DD always wants me to hold her too now (which I do, but it's killing my back!) And I'm having a tough time finding any "me" time. My DH works a ton and isn't able to help me much. I feel like things were going so well with DD & now I'm divided and not doing a very good job with have 2.

Please tell me about how you successfully parent 2 children!!! Thank you!

Brooke81 · February 2012

honsetly you do have to make choices and they will have to share you and wait longer for things than when you only had 1 but I think they do learn from it and are not scared by it. When DD was tiny I tried to do a lot with DS when DD was sleeping. That way he still got his attention and truly if DD was content to play in the pack and play or on the floor when she was awake I let her and played with DS. I wore her a lot too though. I think your age difference is a bit more challenging because you DC #1 is a little less independent than mine was (they are 23 months apart).

Try not to feel guilty and do your best it does get better! Kinda of like the learning curve with #1 all over again. Oh and remember to take care of your self that keeps them happy too. I know it is hard though!

Jelliebean1982 · February 2012

((hugs)) Both of your babies are so little and so needy. You're going through the gauntlet right now. My baby cries way more than my DD did as a baby. If I have to prioritize my children the older one gets my attention first. The baby will never remember if he had to cry for 5 minutes while I fed her, but there's a good chance that my older child will remember if I constantly have to deal with "the baby" first. When he was itty bitty and still nursed for long periods of time I'd tell her that I couldn't play with her but we could watch her and I'd shower with verbal attention.

With one it was so easy to be a perfect parent. With two I just keep reminding myself that I just have to be good enough. It's hard to juggle it all but as long as both of your kids know that they are loved then you are doing a great job.

The "me" time? Haha. I can't help you there! I have a girls' night out once every two weeks that I have to put in the calendar. I told DH it's a "Bible study". Really, we just drink coffee and wine and talk about life.

nosoup4u · February 2012

Oh gosh, my younger son is 16 months, and I still am trying to balance out "me time" (re: being totally alone, not having to talk to ANYONE, ha ha ha). Anyhoo, there is an adjustment period, and especially if you have two under two, I would think. So be patient, it takes some time to get a family routine down, I think we were in a pretty good rhythm when DS2 was about three months or so.

We spent a lot of time with me on the couch, nursing DS2 and reading books to DS1. Do you have any friends or relatives who can come lend a hand once in awhile? That way you might be able to hand your son off to them,and give your DD some one-on-one time.

DS1 hated the baby swing and bouncer, but DS2 was much happier in them, so we used them with him quite a bit in the beginning, too. hth!

bugsmami · February 2012

I have no advice... just wanted to say I'm right there with you! I feel like the worst parent on most days (but I'm finding that it is slowly getting easier in some ways... very slowly!). It's still really hard!

desmerelda317 · February 2012

When I added a second baby to our lives was when AP lost me. Here's the truth - you do have to make a choice between which child's needs are more important in the moment. You have to constantly be evaluating whose needs come first in this particular instant. And sometimes, one of them will have to cry for a few minutes while you attend to the other one - or even to yourself (there have been times where DD has cried in her bouncy seat while I ate my lunch because I was hungry and needed to eat and that was a more important need in that moment than holding her was). This is part of having more than one child. The first few months are rough - you feel like you're barely keeping your head above water. But I found that once the first three months were over, I'd gotten my feet under me and was much more comfortable with taking care of two kids at once. Things that helped me were: being sure to give DS (my oldest) plenty of attention when DD was napping; keeping DS's bedtime sacred (in other words, just between him and me - DD could lie in her crib while I got DS in his PJs and read him his bedtime story and snuggled him for a couple minutes before he went to sleep); learning to be OK with the fact that tears are a part of babyhood and childhood and neither of my kids would be scarred for life over a few minutes of tears each day - it is good for the kids to learn that sometimes others have to come first. You're doing just fine. You'll get into a routine soon

kcisthebombdotcom · February 2012

It gets a whole lot easier as they get older.

The best advice I can give you is try to avoid meltdowns by preparing things ahead of time. I couldnt BF so I did formula, and I would prep all my bottles for the day before DH went to work so it took a second to get DDs bottle ready. When the kids were napping I would prep DSs lunch so I wouldnt have to scramble when 2 babies were screaming to make it. Next to the chair I fed the baby in, I kept snacks/drinks/toys for my older child so I could entertain/fulfill his needs while I fed the baby at the same time. I utilized carriers a whole lot as well.

You have to make more of a conscious effort to make "me" time with 2. When the kids were small, I would drive around for a while since the kids would fall asleep in the car at the same time if it was moving. Then Id stop, grab a cup of coffee, and read while they napped. When DH would get home from work, after dinner I'd go take a nice long bubble bath with a glass of wine while he got some quality time with the kids. On a Saturday morning, I'd leave DH with the kids for an hour or so and go shop. Just try to find little things like that to recharge your batteries.

It also gets easier as they get older. As I am typing, the kids are playing nicely togehter.

JoannaJes · February 2012

So much great advice here.

Honestly, you feel like you are failing because you are comparing yourself to how you parented just one child. And since you can't recreate that situation for either child now, things can just feel "off".

My first child is not the center of my universe anymore, and my second never will be. They have to share. : ) And you will get into a groove and find your footing eventually.

jshf · February 2012

I'm just a few weeks ahead of you and am learning too! But what has helped me is giving each kid 1-1 time. I also make meals ahead of time and freeze them so I'm not cooking everyday. I also try to set aside time for chores at night after DS1 goes to sleep. This way during the day I don't have too much taking away time or energy from the kids.

I also talk to DS1 about taking turns. So if I have to feed DS2 or change him, I tell DS1 he has to wait his turn. I also say he same to DS2. Of course he doesn't understand, but DS1 feels beter that DS2 has to wait his turn too sometimes. I also emphasize with DS1 how he lucky he is that he is "big" and can eat pizza or watch tv. We also talk about how lucky we are to have each other.

I make me time by watching tv or reading or talking on the phone while nursing DS2. Or ordering a favorite meal. I don't expect to have much free time for the first few months. I did hire a babysitter to help out a few hours a week, even though I'm home. It's easier and less stressful to do chores/errands without 1 or 2 kids. GL!

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