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June 2012 Moms
allisonmarie22
member
Getting fed up... (rant) ...and long.
allisonmarie22
member
My husband and I work from home. Work has been VERY slow lately (and my lately I mean months). We're giving things another couple of weeks before we decide whether he is going to seek employment outside the home. I am stuck at this point because my OB told me getting a job at this point in my pregnancy would be a terrible idea. Money is tight and I will admit that there are some depression/laziness issues going on in our household from both sides.
Anyway, the way our work goes (we are independent recruiters for several nationwide trucking companies) is we post ads in papers and on craigslist, we get calls, I screen the calls/do preliminary interviews and then my husband calls viable candidates back. Well, I am an early riser, so I usually get up and get my part of the job done early (when there is work to do, which lately has not been every day). I'm fine with that. My husband likes to sleep in. I'm fine with that...to a point.
EVERY SINGLE DAY I start trying to wake him up at 9am. He won't set an alarm clock and if I set an alarm clock he just turns it off. If we have something to do...like today...I start trying to wake him up earlier. If I did not wake him up he would sleep until at least noon every day. Before I was pregnant I was annoyed by this, but I know he's a night person. He stays up late and gets up late, but his work always gets done, so what the hell do I care?
Now I'm starting to flip the fvvvck out about it. The babies will be here in 3ish months. He's gotten so overweight that he now has to sleep on the couch because I can NOT sleep through his snoring, not even with earplugs and a noise machine. So, here I am wondering if when the babies get here I'm going to be stuck taking care of them alone all night (because if he doesn't lose weight then NONE of us will be able to sleep with him in the room) because we plan to co-sleep for several months AND am I then going to have to take care of them until he decides to roll his ass out of bed every morning. I've voiced these concerns, but I can't get him to lose weight (and I've battled my weight all my life, so don't think I'm insensitive to this issue) and I can't get him to go to bed earlier. I'm terrified.
It's gotten to the point that I wake up in the morning and just lie in bed dreading getting up because I know that I'm going to spend at LEAST an hour begging him to get up, he's going to get pissed at me, I'm going to be angry and pissed almost to the point of tears and he's going to just keep on sleeping...and then HE'S going to tell ME I'm a nag. I've been sitting here this morning trying to wake him up for almost an hour, saying "Baby, you want to get up?" "Baby, we need to get moving this morning." "Baby, we have a lot to do." for almost an hour! ...and this is my life every. single. day.
I don't know what to do, but it's making me a basketcase...not to mention a resentful biyotch. I didn't sign up to be some grown ass man's mother!!!
Thanks for letting me vent.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Getting fed up... (rant) ...and long.
just a thought, but if he's overweight and snoring that loud, he might have sleep apnea... Could be one reason for him sleeping in late, lacking energey, and continuing to gain weight. Might be worth talking to a doctor.
That does suck. I'd be irritated too.
Factor V Leiden Homozygous, Advanced Maternal Age
TTC #1, 5 yrs, PCOS, Femera + Ovidrel.
IUI#3 BFP, DD 5/31/2012
TTC #2, 2 yrs, PCOS, Femera+Ovidrel
IUI#2 BFP!
I probably should also mention that I'm not RATIONALLY afraid that he's going to be a deadbeat and let me do all the work at night an in the mornings. My pregnant irrational mind is crazy.
He IS a lazy bum in the morning but he's not a deadbeat.
Anyway...I am venting, and I am mad, and it is a problem, but I just don't want to paint an unfair picture (mainly because the fair picture is already bad enough
).
::hugs::
First off, your husband is a really nice guy, but he does realize that his world is turning upside in a few months, right? Does he expect to be able to continue to sleep the way he does once they arrive?
Is there anyway you could just ignore him and let him sleep and at least try your best to go about your day the best you can without him and let him see what he's missing? I can imagine you've probably tried that though.
Since you're familiar with weight loss and gain, would he benefit from at least a diet change, even if he doesn't start exercising? Could you only have food options that will work towards him becoming healthier available in your house, meaning he'd have put some form of effort into eating junk?
::more hugs::
I'm sorry he's acting like a child. I hope something clicks for him soon.
Nursed without dairy, egg, soy, peanut, treenut, fish, shellfish or beef for over a year.
Currently tandem nursing dairy, egg, and shellfish free.
DS born via emergency c/s after 20 hrs of labor. DD successful VBAC!
Learning Liam
we know it's a vent and your hubby isnt a lazy deadbeat...all our hubbys have bad habits and things that drive us nuts and we only vent when we are beyond over it.
if he is a night owl maybe you can go to bed early when the twins are here and he can do a night feeding so you can sleep a good stretch so you dont want to kill him at 6am when you are up with the twins and he is snoring
Ick! It sounds like you're living with my brother! (21 year old lazy ass college student who sleeps all day and stays up all night).
I'm so sorry you're having to mother him like he's a teenager. Honestly, in my experience, men need to be told straight up what you want from them, with the preface of, "This is how I feel" or other similar "I" language. And, of course, in the softest tone possible, so they don't start getting all defensive. *insert eye roll here*
I would probably leave him and let him sleep. I've had to put my foot down over the last couple months with household stuff. I was doing everything, and my back is starting to hurt when I vacuum and wash the dishes. I asked him to do it, the house went to sh!t for a couple weeks, I pleasantly reminded him here and there, and then one day he just miraculously stood up and started cleaning! They're a little slow sometimes...
I know you're not trying to say he's a horrible husband or going to be a bad Dad, but expectations need to be set before the arrival of 2 babies. From what I've read over on the Multiples board, there will need to be 2 of you actively engaged in taking care of them!
I know what you're trying to get across here. You don't want to start a fight, but things somehow have to change. I totally understand that. Good luck hun.
Thanks for all that. The thing is that my husband is AWESOME...once he's awake in the morning. LOL Until he's actually up I just want to choke him.
I sure as heck *hope* he realizes the change that's coming (and I suspect he does because, while these are his first children, he has had serious, live-in relationships with women in the past that had kids)!!
I am not Catholic, but I do observe the season of Lent, and when I told him yesterday that my goal was not to eat out during Lent he was totally on board and agreed to do it with me. I hope this means that the winds of change are coming.
BUT...if you see a news story in about 5 months that reads "Georgia Woman Stabs Husband in the Face Due to Sleep Deprivation" then you'll know it's me.
It's not a bad thing to have different sleep patterns. That can work in your favor. He takes the late shift, you take the early, you both get more sleep.
He really should see a Dr about the snoring. That could be causing him to stop breathing at night. Which could not only cause him to be more tired, and harder to wake up, but it could cause him to stop breathing permanently.
That would drive me crazy too. I feel the same way with some of the things my DH does and I think doesn't he know that there is a baby coming?
If I were in your spot, I would think about encouraging him to get a job outside of the house. He sounds like he could be the kind of person that needs the structure of having to get up to go to a job. Working from home is not a good fit for everyone. I would be the same way and would have a hard time motivating myself to be productive working at my own house.
I would also encourage him to go to the doctor for both the snoring and the weight issue. You also mentioned a depression issue at your house, and this isn't going to get better with new babies around. I would talk to him about setting a healthy example for your kids, whether that means sleeping well, healthy weight, or mental health.
Sorry you have to go through that. Your feelings are definitely valid and the closer it gets to time, the more we all start to freak out about things. Maybe you should say something about how you are worried about his habits when the babies are here and see what he says. As far as work, you can't make him set a schedule but he IS expected to change his ways when the babies get here. Maybe he is just riding out his last few weeks of sleeping late.
MH has been complaining on weekends when I wake up at 8:30...?! Really, 8:30 is sleeping in so why is he complaining? It is pissing me off because I feel like you do, just wait buddy. He will be up much earlier when the baby comes and if he says one thing i may flip the *** out! I
That is amazing!! I've always had to have my alarm clock on the other side of the room on my dresser so I physically have to stand up and run over to turn it off. That usually gets me up!
Have you sat down to talk about what a better schedule would be? I don't think men generally get it without things being spelled out for them.
Also, if you know there is some depression going on, maybe he needs a little more help than you do right now. Might be worth seeing this issue through. My X was severely depressed but would NOT do anything about it and eventually after the strain of having kids, we got divorced because it just got into a big cycle of resentment/not doing things and in the end, I had the whole weight of our family (other than daycare, as he "stayed at home"and watched the kids watch TV all day). I was literally having to come home to take them to doctor appointments and such during the day because he didn't feel well enough to take them. Anyhow, I digress, doesn't sound like your husband is nearly that extreme but getting on the same page about schedules and expectations before you have the babies is super important! As for his weight, I would guess his lack of interest in fixing that is also related to being depressed to some degree. Also make sure you are finding a way to get your happy going on too!
We do both have issues with depression. Well, I'm Bipolar and not taking my medication while I'm pregnant, so that's an issue that we try to work around. Money concerns are weighing heavily on us both at the moment and I know he's depressed about his weight.
I can't get the man to go to the doctor. He doesn't have health insurance so he uses that as his excuse. I don't think he has sleep apnea (although that is just my layman's opinion). I'd like him to get it checked out but he won't. Also, I know he's depressed but he refuses medication on that as well. A few months ago I noticed he had started sleeping with a light on. I teased him a bit about it, and he opened up to me for the first time about his time in the Army and some of the things he had to do on some of his deployments. He says sometimes he has a hard time getting to sleep at night when the light is off because he can see the faces of all the dead people he saw (and yes...he had to kill a few people himself...yikes...how did I not know any of this for over 6 years!?). He is VERY tight lipped about his time in the Army, but I know he's got some PTSD going on, but again, he won't even speak about seeing a doctor about it. God help me if he has low testosterone...I don't even want to think of what his libido would be like if he had MORE testosterone...
He says he's going to work on the weight issue starting when we get home (which will be today, so we'll see pretty soon if he's serious this time). We're both doing the no eating out thing for the 40 days of Lent, so that will also help.
As far as talking to him about it...I've tried. We've gone around and around on this SO much that the second I bring it up he just gets defensive about it. We used to be able to discuss it calmly. We'd come to an agreement and decide things would change and then they wouldn't. Each subsequent time it has been more and more difficult to have a rational discussion about it. Maybe some PP's that mentioned our differing sleep schedules are right. I can see where there could be a benefit there, but dang...I just don't think a grown up adult should be laying around in bed until noon every day of the week (unless they work 2nd shift or something similar). Also, I agree with the PP that said work outside the home would be a good idea. I know he should be working outside the home, but again...he resists. Gah!!! Stubborn @ss men!!!
Thanks for listening and offering some feedback. I really appreciate it.
Factor V Leiden Homozygous, Advanced Maternal Age
TTC #1, 5 yrs, PCOS, Femera + Ovidrel.
IUI#3 BFP, DD 5/31/2012
TTC #2, 2 yrs, PCOS, Femera+Ovidrel
IUI#2 BFP!
I second all the very supportive things PPs have said. The thing about most men is, if they don't feel it's their idea they are very resistant to change. If you have a lifetime of unhealthy exercise and diet habits, it is really difficult to break out of that as our metabolism slows down in our 30s. I bet if he exercised a little bit each day, he'd have more energy in the mornings and it may help with the depression.
I can totally see how it would be hard to get motivated when work is slow -I'm self-employed and I get the most work done when I am busy rather than when I'm slow. Depression is very difficult and really only a doctor can help him with that. Maybe if he hears it come from another person it won't be "nagging". God, I hate that word!!!
This. Both sleep apnea and PTSD can be life threatening. Maybe he needs a wake-up call about the severity. Dr Google is pretty good with that.
This!! If he hasn't done a sleep study yet the apnea could be really affecting his sleep and energy level. I have heard you talk about your DH and he sounds like his sleeping in is not intentional and may sound a little like something he may not have control over....Worth checking out, if you haven't already.
I feel your pain. Well, kinda. I love my husband & he is an amazing man, but because he works so much.. its difficult for him to do his "share" around the house. I know it's difficult for him.. & I try to do all the work I can, but sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming. there are just some things I cannot do by myself. Getting him to do it is like pulling a puppy's tail. It's frustrating & not pleasant for either of us.
I really hope our hubbies can get a grip & soon!
Elonah [3], Bentley [1]
One more voice saying that this sounds a lot like sleep apnea. My father and brother both have it, and getting c-pap machines has helped them immeasurably. My brother in particular was awful with the getting out of bed before he got treatment: there'd be times we'd be over banging on his apartment door at 3 in the afternoon with the dogs barking while calling him on the telephone simultaneously trying to get him up.
Obviously there are other issues w/ your DH (and my brother had some too: severe panic disorder for one) but if its apnea, it can be very treatable and that could help unravel the rest.