My space bubble issues vs DH/family's lack of personal boundaries WWYD? (long)

jaymiegerard · February 2012

I'm going to start by saying that I'm feeling like a control freak about this, and I'm hoping it's me and I just need to let it go, but so far I'm unable to.

I grew up in a very loving home where we were close, but we ALWAYS respected each others personal boundaries of space. We never got into each others faces, checked in with each other (not officially, but at least made an effort to read) before going int for a kiss etc.

DH and his family on the other hand have no sense of other people's boundaries. They are in your face, in your space, constant kissers/touchers. I manage it with DH by myself reminding him to ask before he smothers me. :-)

His mother comes once a week to help out with DS, and I am incredibly grateful for it, but yesterday I just found myself cringing every other minute. She hovers over him at all times, does things for him, forces him to look at her by getting in his face even when he turns away, puts her finger in his mouth to check his teeth (ok, we know they are there so why do this!?), and let him bite/suck on her nose. The in his face things are annoying but the finger in the mouth and face biting grosses me out and feels unsanitary (plus she is getting over a cold).

I mentioned this to DH and he was like, "this is just how my family is and I'm not going to say anything to her. " His main argument is that DS is fine and its coming from love.

Ok, I realize that I'm maybe being controlling or projecting, but I just can't be around it. I don't feel like I should be the one to say something to his mother, and he's just not going to say anything.

So what would you do?

TIA

toadstool · February 2012

I would say something about putting fingers and noses in the mouth. Everything else, I understand that "his family is just like that." Your DH should understand that the line has to be drawn somewhere and things in the mouth are unsanitary.

magnoliablossom00 · February 2012

Normally I am in the camp of "if it's your family, you deal with it. My family, and I'll deal with it." However, if she is coming over that frequently and you are also there with her, I don't know why you can't say if something is bothering you.

That being said, I don't really see much of a problem. Many families kiss, touch, and love on each other "without notice", and especially with children. Now, if she is SICK and sticking her hands in his mouth, and letting him suck on her nose, yada yada, then you need to gently say something. We always remind our families to wash their hands before touching LO and if someone is sick, we don't allow them in our home/go to theirs. If your MIL loves LO as much as she acts, then she will be happy to be cautious with germs. Say something like, "I love that you want to come see LO this week, but I guess since you have been a little under the weather we should wait until next week b/c he doesn't have all of his shots yet. I know how devastated you would be if he got sick."

For daily situations, just remind her to wash her hands when she walks in the door. "MIL, would you mind washing your hands before you hold LO? His pedi said that he is still really prone to getting sick b/c he hasn't developed his own antibodies yet." etc.

Other than asking her to use caution (politely), I don't really see what the big deal is. (Sorry. I know that isn't what you're wanting to hear.) I think it's kind of sweet that MIL is loving on your DS so much!

dinonugget1517 · February 2012

Honestly, I would tell her not to put her fingers in his mouth and ESPECIALLY not her nose....thats weird, and gross.

IrishEyes0530 · February 2012

toadstool:
I would say something about putting fingers and noses in the mouth. Everything else, I understand that "his family is just like that." Your DH should understand that the line has to be drawn somewhere and things in the mouth are unsanitary.

This.

Misty001 · February 2012

The vaccine thing works great! I had to inform my sil who was sick and her girls were sick that their germs were just to big for O and they would have to wait till they got better.

clo1982 · February 2012

I agree with the other posters. If she is getting over a cold then yeah she shouldn't be all in his mouth but other than that I think you should probably just suck it up. My MIL is kind of the same. My family is not a touchy-feely group by any stretch. My in laws are VERY energetic and kind of in your face. My DD likes soft noises, rocking motions, etc. When my MIL picks her up she essentially hops around like a rabbit with her and yells and claps right in her face. At first I wanted to say something cause it was pretty much instant tears for DD, but then I figured I should probably just keep my mouth shut. Just because she does things differently than I do, doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them different. DD has gotten used to her now and gives a big smile when she sees her. I know there are things my family does that annoy my DH, so I think that's just one of those things that you have to compromise on. As far as the fingers & nose (which is wierd) I agree that you could just blame it on the pedi and germs!