Full on panic mode! (MIL related)

hecallsmecat · February 2012

Holy hell, MIL wants to come stay with me when DH is out of town! DH is working on landing a client who is based in South Africa. If he gets it he will have to go down there for a few days to set up his team, leaving Saoirse and I alone in London. For some reason, everyone seems to think that I cannot be on my own here so MIL offered to come and stay with us. HELP! I do not want her in my house, especially without DH as a buffer!

Now I do understand that her offering to fly over from Ireland just to stay with me while so I'm not alone with the baby is a very nice offer, especially from a woman who hates me. However, the devil (what I usually call her) never makes an offer like this without wanting something in return. Also, I find it a little insulting that she thinks that I need the help. I am always alone with Saoirse during the day and most of the time DH works so late he doesn't get home until after her bedtime anyway, so what does she think I'll be missing out on when he's not here? I guess it's just the fact of having someone here in case something happens because I'm pregnant, but what the hell is she going to do anyway? I do have a few friends in town, none that live close by, but who would come if I called them in an emergency.

I know she's trying to be nice, but I'm anticipating days on end of criticism, judgement, and "I had 6 babies and they all did fine" when I don't do something she suggests. This is the woman who insisted that I feed Saoirse solids at 2 weeks old because she did it with her kids. 2 weeks old! Just because her kids didn't die doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. She is insane and doesn't accept that I have a different style of parenting than she does. I know she loves Saoirse so her advice is well-meaning, but she gets really offended when I do what I think is best instead of blindly listening to her child-rearing ideas that are 30-40 years old.

I feel bad hoping DH doesn't get the client, but I can't handle her coming here if he goes away and saying no is not an option. Pray for me!

Ok, rant over. I feel better.

If this all happens, you may all have to talk me off a ledge at some point. Just a warning. Thanks!

MilMom2B · February 2012

Ugh ... yeah, that sucks!! Can't you say "no thank you" and have DH back you up on that before he leaves?

SarahRae812 · February 2012

Good lord, what a nightmare! Does DH know that you & MIL don't get along? I think I remember you saying that he does, so why not have him tell her "No thanks, everyone will be fine." Def get him on your side so he doesn't come home to a smoking hole where your house used to be.

jk4ever · February 2012

I think a polite "thanks but no thanks" is in order here. It's only going to make it MORE stressful as opposed to less. I think it's good that you can see that she just wants to help, but it wouldn't help to have her there. So, just tell her you appreciate the offer, but that you will be just fine on your own. She sounds like the kind of woman who would get all upset by a polite refusal of her offer, but she'll get over it. You have to do what's best for you and your daughter, don't worry about the rest!

KRISLIEL · February 2012

If giving a quick "no thank you" isnt going to work, as I know it wouldnt with my MIL, maybe fib a bit.

If he does land the client and MIL offers again (once his dates have been hammered out) just tell her that one of your friends is coming for a visit that whole week and her plans to stay with you coincided with DH's business trip.

katiewhompus · February 2012

KRISLIEL:

If giving a quick "no thank you" isnt going to work, as I know it wouldnt with my MIL, maybe fib a bit.

If he does land the client and MIL offers again (once his dates have been hammered out) just tell her that one of your friends is coming for a visit that whole week and her plans to stay with you coincided with DH's business trip.

I like this idea. Or say he'll just be gone for a weekend and her help isn't needed.

hecallsmecat · February 2012

DH totally knows how I feel about his mother and it is a big issue with us because he's a huge momma's boy and thinks she's perfect. He has this bizzare selective memory that blocks out all the horrible things she does to me. He somehow "forgot" that she refused to come to our wedding when she found out we had gotten legally married for visa purposes, then when she finally did come to the real wedding he didn't notice that she never said a word to me the whole day and followed around the photographer insisting on taking pictures with DH without me in them (even the photographer had to point out that it was OUR wedding day, not hers). He also "forgets" that she ruined breastfeeding for me by giving Saoirse a bottle of formula every time I left the room when she was 3 days old so that she would not go back to BFing.

I would say a polite "thanks but no thanks" but she would get totally offended and I am supposed to go over and stay with her over the summer to have the new baby there. It's such a mess. I fully expect a "Hand that Rocks the Cradle" moment of waking up during the night to find her BFing my baby. She's a loon and there is no escape.

FutureMrsWittig · February 2012

hecallsmecat:

DH totally knows how I feel about his mother and it is a big issue with us because he's a huge momma's boy and thinks she's perfect. He has this bizzare selective memory that blocks out all the horrible things she does to me. He somehow "forgot" that she refused to come to our wedding when she found out we had gotten legally married for visa purposes, then when she finally did come to the real wedding he didn't notice that she never said a word to me the whole day and followed around the photographer insisting on taking pictures with DH without me in them (even the photographer had to point out that it was OUR wedding day, not hers). He also "forgets" that she ruined breastfeeding for me by giving Saoirse a bottle of formula every time I left the room when she was 3 days old so that she would not go back to BFing.

I would say a polite "thanks but no thanks" but she would get totally offended and I am supposed to go over and stay with her over the summer to have the new baby there. It's such a mess. I fully expect a "Hand that Rocks the Cradle" moment of waking up during the night to find her BFing my baby. She's a loon and there is no escape.

I worry about this with my MIL too... Not even kidding.

Can you guys just go with DH?

Nutrguru · February 2012

Your MIL sounds like teh devil. I can't believe she ruined BF for you!!! The worst my MIL did was like an hour or two after DH was born she told me to give him water because he seemed hungry.... Indifferent

I would be flipping out too....Just do as the PP suggested and say you already have someone locally helping you out IF YOU NEED IT.

jk4ever · February 2012

It also sounds to me like you not only have a MIL problem, but you have a DH problem. You are his wife, which makes you a priority over his mother. He should absolutely have your back on EVERY issue, even if he disagrees with you. He should be putting MIL in her place and there should never be an issue. He obviously has a strong bond with her, which makes it even more important that he is drawing the lines in the relationship, NOT you. It doesn't seem like he has ever drawn any lines for her as to what is appropriate and what is not, and he needs to do this. It really isn't your responsibility to make sure that HIS mother doesn't butt into YOUR life in unwelcome ways. This shouldn't have to be your problem.

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband. This issue should be as simple as him calling his mother and telling her that you guys really appreciate the offer, but you won't be needing her help. Instead you have to go into "full panic mode" just thinking about what to do and whats going to happen. Thats not fair to you. He should be more supportive of what YOU NEED, not his mother's feelings.

hecallsmecat · February 2012

jk4ever:

It also sounds to me like you not only have a MIL problem, but you have a DH problem. You are his wife, which makes you a priority over his mother. He should absolutely have your back on EVERY issue, even if he disagrees with you. He should be putting MIL in her place and there should never be an issue. He obviously has a strong bond with her, which makes it even more important that he is drawing the lines in the relationship, NOT you. It doesn't seem like he has ever drawn any lines for her as to what is appropriate and what is not, and he needs to do this. It really isn't your responsibility to make sure that HIS mother doesn't butt into YOUR life in unwelcome ways. This shouldn't have to be your problem.

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband. This issue should be as simple as him calling his mother and telling her that you guys really appreciate the offer, but you won't be needing her help. Instead you have to go into "full panic mode" just thinking about what to do and whats going to happen. Thats not fair to you. He should be more supportive of what YOU NEED, not his mother's feelings.

Would you call my husband and tell him this? Big Smile

I have had this exact conversation with him several times, but like I said he has selective memory when it comes to her. While he agrees with me at the time, he totally forgets in situations like this. He pulls the old "She just wants what is best for the baby" or "She means well." Yeah, he's a big p*ssy when it comes to his mom.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice ladies. I am going to talk to DH tonight and tell him that I can survive on my own and will have people in town "on call" should something happen. I know his mother will get all bent out of shape, but I can pull the "stress is bad for the baby" card. That he will understand because he knows I get clenched ifsts when his mother is in the room. I think he'll see sense when I point out that since he's not here to be my buffer I may say something truly offensive to her with all the pregnancy hormones making me nuts (I love this excuse).

germanpickle · February 2012

jk4ever:
It also sounds to me like you not only have a MIL problem, but you have a DH problem. You are his wife, which makes you a priority over his mother. He should absolutely have your back on EVERY issue, even if he disagrees with you. He should be putting MIL in her place and there should never be an issue. He obviously has a strong bond with her, which makes it even more important that he is drawing the lines in the relationship, NOT you. It doesn't seem like he has ever drawn any lines for her as to what is appropriate and what is not, and he needs to do this. It really isn't your responsibility to make sure that HIS mother doesn't butt into YOUR life in unwelcome ways. This shouldn't have to be your problem.
I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband. This issue should be as simple as him calling his mother and telling her that you guys really appreciate the offer, but you won't be needing her help. Instead you have to go into "full panic mode" just thinking about what to do and whats going to happen. Thats not fair to you. He should be more supportive of what YOU NEED, not his mother's feelings.

yes yes yes and yes

My husband would be having a number of talks with his mother. This is totally unacceptable. Please deal with this now before you discover the marriage is seriously in danger. Please.

(little flip out): and I would have smacked the ***!ng sh!t out of someone that screwed around with my child's eating. un.believe.able.

But to return to your actual issue: my mother in law would have a very difficult time with not coming too. I think it is because I think that SHE things I am strong but not strong enough to really go against her when my husband is out of the way. What she fails to understand is that I hold back because i know that my husband will deal with it.Anyways, I would tell her that a friend "really needed me", feed her a sob story that had some tie to reality (for example, my girlfriend is going through a separation/difficult time - true - and is starting to break apart - not quite true - and that I will stay with her - really not true. Then when I didn't stay with her it was because my friend asked me NOT to at the last minute / came to stay with us), and tell her that it is impossible for her to come but "maybe next time?"

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