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Blended Families
Littlejen22
member
Note to SMs - kids sleeping in parent's bed
Littlejen22
member
I see this come up fairly often and am adding my unsolicited 2-cents. I am about as anti-co-sleeping as it gets. Until you have your own kid, meaning you give birth or adopt a newborn, infant or very young toddler, you have no idea what you might or might not do as a parent. It is easy to sit back and say how horrible it is that your 6yo SK is sleeping in their Mom's bed, but I have known many intact families with this "problem". Oh, and BTW, it is only a problem if the parents think it is b/c the kid has no problems with it or they would not be in the bed.
My DH and I do not co-sleep but on very many nights starting about 6 months ago my DD will wake up in the middle of the night, we want sleep so she comes into our bed and stays until morning...often this happens at like 6:30 in the morning when a better person than me would get their own a$$ out of bed but I want more sleep so I cuddle with DD for a minute until she is asleep, I roll over and get another hour.
My point, you do not have to like it but it is a very common thing and unless you are suggesting that there is sexual abuse going on then it is just something you need to agree to disagree on. It is not about whether the child can sleep on their own in your house or not, it is a choice between that other parent and the child and you have no say in their house.
I will however say that I do not think that a kid should be sharing a bed with a step-parent...I might change my mind if the step-parent is truely acting as the bio-parent meaning the other bio-parent is completely out of the picture. So my example is that if Mom lives alone and the 6yo climbs into bed with her I think it is weird but it is NOT the same as the 6yo sleeping with Dad and his new woman.
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Note to SMs - kids sleeping in parent's bed
I have to agree with all of this. DD has come to our bed in the middle of the night, slept in our bed all night when DH is downstairs, I've slept in her bed, slept in the other bed in her room-basically whatever it takes to get both of us to sleep.
I remember being younger and getting to sleep in my parents bed when my dad was away. It was a treat
I also have to agree with no kids in the bed with a stepparent. I told DH when we first started living together that it would never happen, and sure enough there was one night all the kids climbed into our bed because of a storm so I went to the couch. I just thought it was weird. It's been 6 years and I'm just getting comfortable with SD laying in bed with DD and I to watch a movie.
I am the not the BM, but I am the "mom" to my SS. BM sees him twice a year if we drive him to her house, set a time, and accommodate the fact that she's usually 2 hours late getting to her OWN house. OK... vent about THAT over
It REALLY bothers us when we find out BM has SS sleep with her (not that he's stayed overnight for close to 3 years). She has, in the past, had sex with her druggie boyfriends with SS in the room, supposedly when he was sleeping but he's acted out sex actions before. She has new boyfriends all the time and it is NOT OK that he sleeps with her and random men or her and sketchy men. I wouldn't be as weirded out if it was JUST her. I trust nothing skeevy would happen with just her.
SS sleeps with us occasionally if he's not sleeping well, sick, or if he wakes up crying from what we assume is a nightmare. This is maybe once or twice a month. At first, when DH and I were newly engaged and living together, I'd sleep in SS's bed if he needed to sleep with DH. I hadn't fully taken on the "mommy" role, yet. I didn't want him to be confused in case his mom came back into the picture and cleaned up as promised. I also didn't know how appropriate it would be or what the lines were. If I were BM, I'd be weirded out with a woman I didn't know sleeping with my son. After time, when I transitioned into the role as mom, I was OK with him sleeping with us. I'd make sure I was wearing sleep pants instead of just my underwear and a t-shirt (I still do this).
When our LO is born and old enough, the sleeping with us rule will stay the same. It's a special situation only thing - sick, nightmares, etc. I'm not a co-sleeping type of parent. I'm afraid of hurting the LOs by rolling on them, flailing and punching them, or whatever. I also like the bed to be that of DH and I.
Given that the ONLY way DD will sleep past 5:30am is if she is in bed with me...we do "sleep overs" in mommy's bed every Friday night so Mommy can get an extra 30-60 minutes of sleep on a weekend.
HOWEVER, because I know that this is a crutch that needs to be cut, I do wonder about it when it moves past first grade. But ONLY as a, "is this the best way to teach your kid to sleep on his/her own?" way.
DD WOULD sleep with me every night if she could. But instead, I work on getting her to sleep past 5:30 six mornings out of the week.
My only frustration with the co-sleeping (as it relates to my bonus daughter) is when it continues even after the child says they don't like it. I think everyone has had a child climb in bed at some point during the night, that's completely normal. But at what point does the child have a say?
My bonus daughter has been sharing a bed with BM pretty much since she was born. She has only had her own bed when she's with us, and I'll admit it was a struggle for a long time. She would wake up in the middle of the night crying and climb into bed with me and my husband or my daughter. After she adjusted (almost 2 years ago), she started telling us how much she loves having her own bed as that she doesn't like sharing a bed with her mother. My husband mentioned this to BM and offered to buy a bed for LO if money was the issue, and BM's response was that she's "not ready" to let her grow up yet. This little girl is 6 and in Kindergarten, and has expressed feeling embarrassed about the sleeping arrangement. My bonus daughter doesn't want to invite friends to Grandma's (where she and BM live) but wants to have sleepovers at our home.
I completely understand that everyone's situation is different. I understand that having a roof over a child's head is the most important thing. This situation just seems to have so much grey area as it relates to the propriety and age of the child. I think if the option is available for the child to have their own bed, they should have their own bed. Especially if the kiddo is saying they don't want to share a bed with mom (or dad) anymore.
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First, obviously from what I said I would have an issue with anyone having sex with a kid in the room especially a druggie.
BM in my situation went 3 years without seeing SD, she saw her something like 3 times in 6 years and one of those was for BM's father's funeral so believe me I understand you are the one doing the work.
But I will still stick to the comment that until you have LOs of your own, meaning LOs that you are the only one responsible for since they are newborns, you have no idea what rules you will break or no. Every person I know has broken the rules they thought they were so set on before having kids, even if it is only once. The only rule that I have not broken is that my kids still do not drink soda and DS did not have gum until he was 5, oh and I let DS take one sip of root beer one time b/c I was curious of his reaction b/c DH thinks it tastes like gasoline. Seriously, rules change no matter if you are raising your SKs or not.
It seems like the people who complain about this have other issues with the BM. No one who has posted complaining has said BM is a good mom, but she cosleeps with her kids. While I totally agree with LittleJen, but it seems the argument could be made on the other side as well...until you deal with a cracked out (figuratively, not necessarily literally) BM you don't know.
It was actually put into BM's CO to get her other children back from CPS that she get her children their own room and bed. A family member had brought up her having the children sleep in her room, in her bed, with other men. I was actually impressed they did this. Her co-sleeping was an issue with SS because she DID have custody for the first few years and DH and his exFI had to sleep train a child with autism who'd had this co-sleeping structure in his life for many years. This was apparently a nightmare.
But I will still stick to the comment that until you have LOs of your own, meaning LOs that you are the only one responsible for since they are newborns, you have no idea what rules you will break or no. Every person I know has broken the rules they thought they were so set on before having kids, even if it is only once. The only rule that I have not broken is that my kids still do not drink soda and DS did not have gum until he was 5, oh and I let DS take one sip of root beer one time b/c I was curious of his reaction b/c DH thinks it tastes like gasoline. Seriously, rules change no matter if you are raising your SKs or not.
You are right in that there will be parenting differences between what is done with LO and SS. My parenting style is less relaxed than DH. I'm from a very behaviorist background. I believe in structured and social activities whereas DH doesn't want SS in boy scouts, t-ball, play groups, etc. He's afraid he'll be made fun of. With my current schedule, he'd be the one taking SS to these activities so if he says no, it's a no. I believe in rewards and consequences and DH doesn't think SS understands them. Therefore, my follow-through is more consistent than his. For the record, SS TOTALLY understands rewards and consequences since generally the good behaviors continue and the not-so-good behaviors cease. I think the parenting differences will come down to autism vs. non-autism rather than "his child" and "our child". I was raised a step-child and it is INCREDIBLY important to me they are treated the same. I had also accepted SS as the only child I would have years prior to getting pregnant. I never had a desire to have children of my own. This pregnancy just happened while I was on BC, taking it consistently, and not on antibiotics. I am completely excited but I honestly don't feel any different towards the one growing inside me than I do to SS. I don't think everyone has to and I really hate when people (not you) "you'll feel differently about LO". Am I bad mom if I don't?
With co-sleeping, I have a very solid belief in this area. I always have, though. I hated when my mom would have us sleep with her while my SD was away plus, as I said earlier, I don't feel it's safe. LO will be in a bassinet in our room at night for a few weeks. This is mainly because we're not sure how SS will be around LO. He loves babies and has tried to pick up babies out of their strollers before - though never out of a crib or bassinet. We don't want to be asleep across the house and he go into the baby's room without us being there and have something happen. When LO is in his/her room, one of us will sleep in there for a bit just to be double sure.
I'm a BM and a SM and I don't think it's ok to have your child sleep in bed with you all night. I don't think you have to have your own child to think it isn't ok either. If they come in on there own and you want to catch a few more minutes of shut eye, if they are sick, or your on vacation and things like that ]then ok but when your child sleeps with you 100% of the time it's strange.
ETA: I think it would be more "normal" if the child is under 5 and sleeps with you full time. When I hear "My 6 yo SK sleeps with BM" it sounds bad.
I was the loudest "it's not acceptable to share a bed with your child regardless of age".... And lo and behold I have a colicky baby who will only sleep laying next to me. Sleep depravation does funny things to you and I should have kept my words soft because now I'm eating them. That being said, we try every night to sleep my little guy in his bassinet and sometimes it works, more often it doesn't but we will keep trying.
Situations like this equate to a sick child situation. Baby, and parents, need sleep. I'm against (for me - not judging others) co-sleeping for the sake of co-sleeping.
This this this.
It is not a coming into BM's bed because of a nightmare, it is BM not even providing another place for SS to sleep. He does not have his own bed, she thinks it is just ok for her and SS8 to share a room and a bed at her parents house.
SS lives with us full-time and sleeps in his own bed every single night. He has voiced to DH that he does not want his mother in the bathroom when he showers and wishes his mother would sleep on the couch.
I do have my own child, and we do not co-sleep. In order to teach your child to be independent and to follow your rules, they need their own bed. At what age do you draw the line? Who knows....but by the time a boy is 9 he should no longer be sleeping (ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT) in his mother's bed.
Very well said. Can I borrow someone else's brain for the purpose of clarity (across my entire life, right now) for the next 6 months or so? I just can't seem to express myself effectively.
Perfectly said.
A big thumbs up to all of this, Jen, except your last paragraph made me wonder: are you suggesting to bump out the step-parent so the kid can snuggle with bio-parent? I don't think that's the solution.
Thanks, I just remember the early days of our family living together and there was a little awkwardness in the beginning. I really had to edit my pj choices for one! And the boys always got in to snuggle with dad, but they never stayed "on their side" or anywhere particular; they kind of hogged the whole bed. I'm sure plenty of people would point fingers and say it was inappropriate or whatever, but I think it bonded our family pretty well. We still all pile into the same bed to read books together fairly regularly.
Co-sleeping is always a fun debate.
Personally, I am against co-sleeping. Not because it isn't right, but it just isn't right for me. My husband like to sleep in the buff, and I certainly don't allow children in the bed with us like that. I always have my robe hanging on my bedpost so I can swing it on before I am even out of bed.
But aside from that, with my DH being on the local rescue squad and working with the ambulance service, I hear all the medical emergency calls on his radio. I have heard way too many that involve children 3 and younger being injured while co-sleeping. More than one have died. You don't know what it is like to hear emergency tones go off first thing in the morning and your wake up call be a 911 because a child in their parents' bed is not breathing.
I simply don't co-sleep. I will cuddle with them in the bed, even with my 5yo SD. But I never fall asleep. We usually only do that when I don't feel well and want to lay in bed after coming from work or something, or if they are not feeling good, either.
I am the product of a co-sleeping home. I slept with my parents until I was 8yo. Looking back, that was ridiculous. However, I did not even have a bedroom until I was 5, so it was either the couch or my parent's bed. I decided from the get go that I would not co-sleep with my own kids because I did not want an 8yo in the bed, as I did when I was that age.
An added factor to our anti co-sleeping house is that there have been sexual abuse and exposure issues in the BM's home, particularly in BM's bedroom. As someone else pointed out, most people who have an issue with co-sleeping happening in the other home also have additional issues. Co-sleeping can be a problem if it is used to create other problems.
However, an interesting fact for the road: Most cultures in the world encourage co-sleeping. Most of those cultures raise children that are much more focused on the well-being of the group over the individual, as well. I had to do some research on co-sleeping in a college sociology class.