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2nd Trimester
overtonhayes
member
Baby shower etiquette questions
overtonhayes
member
Hello ladies,
Couple of questions about baby shower etiquette, because I don't know whether they're an 'American thing' but I don't know anyone who's ever had one. Sorry if this becomes one of my long posts.
First off, timing. My baby's due in late July. I understand that usually you do a shower when you're 7 or 8 months, right? Well, right now we live in the same town as pretty much everyone who would be invited, but in April we'll be moving over an hour away. If I throw the shower before we move, and mention that I'm throwing it so early because we'll be moving, would that be considered rude? It would have to be very early April, too, so it would be a long way off to when my baby's due. I'm going to request no gifts, if that makes a difference. Also, is there a guideline to how much notice you should give people, like there is with a wedding?
Second, who to invite. I came to the US in the first place as a kind of exchange student, and was looked after by 'host families' who were absolutely wonderful. I mean these people were invited to my wedding, and whenever they come up this way to see their own kids, who are in college up here, they stop in to say hey. I have a feeling I should invite them, but the trouble is that they're older than myself and all my friends: one of the families are in their late 50s, one in their mid 30s, and my friends and I are in our early 20s. I also always feel like I have to be on my absolute best behaviour around them, and I'm naturally the kind to crack dirty jokes and swap stories about boozy nights out with my friends. I couldn't do any of that around my former host families, and neither could my friends. Here's the other thing: they are such genuinely lovely people that if I send them an invitation, they would definitely be there. They're the type who would take a "we have to be there for her, let's cancel our plans so we can go" approach, so sending an invitition to be polite and half-hoping they wouldn't come isn't really an option here.
Any ideas?
Edit: Just thought of something. Considering that some of the guests are pretty conservative, do you think that the good old 'melt chocolate into diapers and have them guess what it is' game is a little distasteful? For the record, the two conservative guests are both mothers, one to two kids in their 20s and one to two kids under 4.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Baby shower etiquette questions
I don't think having the shower early is a problem, however it is generally not acceptable to throw your own shower. Usually a good friend or family memeber throws the shower for you.
The rude thing to do is to throw your own shower...generally other people offer to throw you a shower as a gift. If it's a sort of pre-baby party, which it sounds like it is-as you said you'd specifically note "no gifts" then call it something other than a shower...a shower is specifically a gifting event.
That said, if it's a pre-baby "no gifts" party...you can have that whenever and invite whomever you choose!
For starters, throwing a baby shower for yourself is considered a breach of etiquette. Showers are a gift usually given by a close friend or family member.
Furthermore, I love a good dirty joke as much as the next person and I have plenty of partying days in my past, but a baby shower is hardly the appropriate place for rehashing your drunken episodes.
As the other posters said, it's rude to throw your own shower. Also, showers are gift giving events, that's kind of the whole purpose. If you're only moving an hour away, why wouldn't you just drive back closer to your due date? That seems super early for a shower if you'd only be driving an hour. As far as inviting your host families, it sounds like they'd be hurt if they weren't invited. I've never been to a shower where it's appropriate to talk about drunken nights and crack dirty jokes. You can't keep it clean for a few hours?
Aside from the whole throwing it yourself issue (not etiquette), I don't think it's unreasonable to have it a little early. I'm due July 10th and mine is at the end of April (everyone and their mother is busy with weddings, communions, graduations, etc in May).
As far as the invite, I would certainly invite the older people you had mentioned. Especially if they are that special to you.
Oh wow, I had no idea that you don't throw your own shower! As I said, I don't know anyone who's had one, and I thought that asking someone else do take on all that hassle for you would actually be the rude way of doing it, haha. But to be clear: since I don't want gifts, if I throw my own "no gifts please" 'party' or 'gathering', that wouldn't be rude? I can see how throwing your own shower would be rude if gifts were involved/expected...
With regards to the dirty jokes etc: no, of course we wouldn't all be lounging around talking about how wasted we all used to get every Friday and blah blah blah. But we're 20-somethings, the occasional "remember that time when we were at that bar...?" is bound to come up. Even if it's not an "ohhmigoddddd I got sooooo wasted" story, so many of our little anecdotes involve, if not being drunk, being in a bar; being around someone who was drunk; or... well, anything involving alcohol, really. What can I say: we're 20-somethings who live in a college town!
You Have gotten some good advice, but as some said the point of a shower is to "shower" you with gifts, for baby. It can be very very expensive to get everything for baby and usually friends and fam will give you gifts to help you out.
That all being said if you def do not want gifts at all, have a BBQ and invite some friends over to celebrate- if you wanted to do something like a wedding reception in honor of the exciting news then do just that- plan a big ole party somewhere and invite who ever you want (20 ppl, 50 ppl...)but yes don't use the work baby shower at all. and if you do write no gifts please you may end up getting some gifts, but don't expect ppl to be giving you lots (as I am sure you know)
if you do want someone to throw you an actual shower- then maybe mention it to a good friend or family member, that youd like to have a shower, but since your moving away not sure what to do. Most ppl can take the hint
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I think your best bet is to wait for some one to offer to throw you a shower and then plan to drive the hour during month 7 to attend the event closer to where all the guests live.
As PP mentioned, throwing your own shower is simply something you wouldn't do.
I think it's perfectly fine to throw a party. Have a backyard BBQ. A going away party since you're moving. Something along those lines. But yeah, throwing yourself a shower is definitely a breach of etiquette, and you aren't going to be throwing what is normally thought of as a "shower" anyway if there are no gifts. The whole point of a shower is to "shower" the expecting mother with things she'll need for the new baby. I agree that it would be rude to ask someone else to do it too - you don't ask, they offer, ykwim?
If you'd really like it to be a baby themed party, why not have a meet the baby party after the baby is born? That seems like it'd be a good opportunity for you to come back to this area and reconnect with friends you may not have seen since moving too.
I'm talking with my best friend right now (her exact words: "no, sweetheart, I'm planning your shower, and no, I wouldn't have let you throw your own, goof!") and we're playing around with ideas. I'd love some input here. She's saying that people will want to give me gifts, whereas I am a bit iffy about it. See, as I said, all my friends are in college and I know money is tight. I would rather specify "no gifts please" because I feel like even if I make it a "gifts not required" (or however you phrase that nicely), everyone won't want to be the only guest who doesn't bring a gift, so they'll feel pressured into getting one.
To get around this, we've come up with this idea: we make it "gifts appreciated but not necessary", and register on myregistry.com . Everything we register is college-budget-appropriate, and around the same price (so no one feels like they're buying 'the cheap gift'). Alongside that, we register an additional gift: it costs $0.00, and it's "A Lesson for Baby". It asks the guest to tell baby the most important thing they learned in college. I personally think that's a nice way of saying "hey, I get that you're all in college and I seriously do not need you to spend any money", without actually saying it. What do you ladies think?
Just an FYI, the nice way to say that gifts aren't required is "best wishes only."
Thanks! I figured it would be something along the lines of "your warm wishes are the only gifts I ask for", so I wasn't too far off!
One of my friends in college had a baby and her mom hosted a shower for her. At the time, we (the poor college girls) took a collection and bought her one big thing. I think we chipped in like $15.00 each. If someone couldn't chip in they bought an outfit or something for the baby. We were excited to get her ready to start her family.
Everyone pretty much has the "don't throw your own shower" thing down.
I think playing the "dirty diaper" game is disgusting and rather distasteful. There are so many other cute games to play.
Emily 8.8.08
Madeline 1.2.11
William 8.5.12
Everyone covered most of what I was thinking but I wanted to say you dont have to invite your host family if this is a "friend shower". There is no family or anything invited besides college friends, correct? I would not invite the host family then. If they asked, I would mention my friends are throwing me a get together with our close friends. I would think they would feel out of place too.
I never like the "dirty diaper game" - I find it to be quite disgusting!
I agree. Saying "no gifts" is unnecessary. That is the whole point of the party. That's why someone else has to host it, or it would be a greedy thing to host your own.
I would register for gifts of all price points. Plus, whatever you don't get, you'll be given 10% off coupon to buy items from your registry. So you should register for absolutely everything you want/need.
As for the host families, I would absolutely invite them. They would feel left out if you didn't. Plus, 50 is hardly old. You'd be surprised how fun older ladies are at events like baby showers. And no, I don't think you'll have to be on your best behavior near them. Plus, older people will be the ones who can afford great gifts and will most likely give you the best gifts. So that's something to think about.
Good luck!
5 DIUI - BFN
IVF#1 - BFP - AJ 7/12
FET#1 - BFP Due 7/24/14
I agree, that you should not throw your own shower. A family member or friend should do the honors for you. You might have your BD talk to someone in his family about hosting.
As far as the guests, I think you should invite who you want around you and what would make you happy. If you want the host families to be involved in the celebration invite them. If you think you will enjoy the shower more without them present, then don't. Just as long as it will not get back to them and their feelings be hurt. If that is a concern for you.
Good luck!