Please vote: Am I being unreasonable?

AnnaFleming · January 2012

This is a little long but I VERY MUCH APPRECIATE any advice/perspective you can provide on this situation.

My sister just got engaged and now would like to plan her wedding for July 28. I am due on June 6. She has asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding (she is my only sister) and I will be the only attendant. I had a c-section with my first (who will be almost 3 years old when #2 is born) and the recovery was tough but by about six weeks, I was feeling okay and my doctor had cleared me to do everything except exercise.

I live outside of the US and plan to have the baby where I live. My sister lives in Boston. She is a teacher and has two weeks off in July which is why she would like her wedding to be July 28.

July 28 seems like really close after the birth to me. It will take us about a month to get the baby's passport so she can even travel to the US, and she will not have had any of her vaccinations before she gets on an international connecting flight.

My husband and son will obviously also go to the wedding so I wouldn't be travelling alone with the baby.

I am worried about my own health and the baby's health and don't feel that comfortable traveling only six weeks after she is born.

My sister is really upset about this and has given me three options:

1) Hope that the passport gets done on time to travel and the whole family goes to the wedding. (I cannot guarantee this.)

2) I should travel by myself and leave the baby at home. (I plan to exclusively breastfeed as I did with my son.)

3) Ask her to change the date which she says will require her to wait another year to do the wedding so they can have the type of wedding they want. (Summer wedding in Martha's Vineyard.)

I want to go with #3 but am afraid I am being unreasonable. What would you do?

AnnaFleming · January 2012

Just a clarification: She is CONSIDERING this date. Nothing has been booked yet. This is the date she wants.

FemShep · January 2012

Be honest with your sister that if you don't receive the passport in time, you may not be able to attend, but do everything you can to get there. If your sister thinks it's worth the chance that you may not be there to keep her date, support her decision. Don't ask her to change the wedding date-that's unfair to her, just as it's unreasonable for her to be angry at you for being pregnant.

kris_kelsey · January 2012

i would do #1 and I would be working on that passport ASAP so your lack of persistence doesn't inhibit your ability to go. I have traveled alone with a 4 wk old baby without issue and would certainly do it again.

byrne15 · January 2012

You should NOT ask her to change her wedding date.

I will be the matron of honor in a wedding exactly 6 weeks after my due date. Granted, I don't have to travel to another country...but I think it is totally do-able.

cassoppea · January 2012

I certainly wouldn't ask your sister to change her wedding. There are no guarantees on how you will feel, and I don't know the circumstances of your first c section, but generally after 6 weeks, you will probably be fine to travel. Traveling with a baby that small is probably easier than traveling with an older child since he/she will probably sleep most of the time. I would just make sure to keep other people away from the baby and practice good hand hygiene to keep the baby healthy while traveling.

I would attempt, as best you can, to get a passport for your child and go to the wedding with the baby. There are ways to expedite passports here, and I'd imagine you can do the same where you are living too.

cswatch · January 2012

I think it's a little much to ask her to change her wedding date, but at the same time, I don't think you should be expected to travel out of your country with a LO who you mentioned probably won't have the necessary vaccinations by that time.

I would put your LO's health and safety first. If there is a way you could pump and store the milk and leave LO home with DH for a couple days, I would consider that option. Could you fly in for the wedding and leave the next day?

michnthecity · January 2012

I would pump pump pump and save the breast milk and leave the LO at home. I freaked out the other day just bringing him to the mall during his 1st week of life, still in his car seat, totally covered. I would leave him home and just leave the day before and return home the day after. It will be a lot on you to do all that traveling in such a short amount of time, but you are putting forth the effort and that is reasonable. Good luck!

Strawberrywine · January 2012

She just got engaged. Like a week or two ago?

I would tell her how much you're looking forward to sharing her special day with you. Tell her that waiting until next year, you'd be in better shape to focus on her but that you'd do whatever you could to make it happen this year. Let her decide and go with it.

You can make a passport happen, you can travel with a baby (ask your pediatrician how to handle it), and you can survive a wedding. It's not ideal but you'll get through it.

austenreader85 · January 2012

At first I was mostly worried about the no vaccinations thing but I remembered that they're scheduled for that time because they still have their mom's immunities. Your baby won't be touching anything in the plane and that's how most illnesses spread. Talk to your pedi though. I also worry about getting a passport in enough time. I think your sister needs to realize that there is a strong possibility of you not being able to come and either be ok with that and have a back up attendant or choose a different date. I've known plenty of teachers marry during the school year, she could pick something 2-3 weeks later in the summer etc. Personally, if I had to choose between having my family be there or my "dream wedding" I'd pick family. And with international traveling who knows what will happen!

Jenny952 · January 2012

It seems like options 2 and 3 are unreasonable. I wouldn't want to leave the baby and also agree with pp that you shouldn't ask her to change the wedding. As soon as your baby is born, I would get that passport application in ASAP. Have everything printed out and ready to go so all you have to do is have the baby. And I'm sure you can expedite the processing of it, which I would do as well.

But, things come up and delays happen or illness happens. Be realistic about what can happen.

Happily Overwhelmed · January 2012

I think it would be awful for you to ask her to change the date. I think asking her to find a new maid of honor would be a better choice than that. If I were your sister I would really recent you for it too.

I think I would go with option #1. If your sister means a lot to you then make it work. Repeat c-sections (from what I've heard) are supposed to be easier. And it's a decent amount of time between dates by far. Who knows...your due date might be changed to closer too.

I understand the exclusive breastfeeding. I think I would take my chances and at last resort (if LO has to stay home with DH) formula feed while you pump to keep up supply.

So either commit yourself to doing everything in your power to be there for your sister or step back and tell her you just can't do it. Asking her to wait another year sounds like a very selfish thing to do.

MommynTeacher · January 2012

AnnaFleming:

Just a clarification: She is CONSIDERING this date. Nothing has been booked yet. This is the date she wants.

You have no right to ask her to do that! If you can't be there you can't be there. You can't ask her to put her life off for a year

magdalina.h · January 2012

LoisLane23:
Do not ask her to change the date. Do whatever you need to do in order to be there for your sister. 7/8 weeks should be plenty for recovery time.

This. If she was planning the wedding closer to your due date than I would say she's being unreasonable.

pepomntpat · January 2012

I took DD to Bermuda when she was about that age. She slept on the plane and the passport was not a problem. We had it in just a few weeks. I would plan to be there with your baby and the rest of your family. I am sure your sister will understand if something happens and you can't make it.

Slayter2009 · January 2012

After having just had my second c section (11 days ago & Yes, they are harder then the first) I would ask her to choose a back up. Don't kill yourself trying to get there. You and your little family come first. She'll understand when her babies start coming. I can't imagine traveling (expectually internationally) after just having my second c section. FYI the after birth contraction are worse and last for days after (I'm still getting random ones). You have to take it really easy more so then with your first. Which is harder having a toddler also. And unless you got your abs back you are more liable to get an infection from your tummy hanging over and causing your incision to sweat. And if you get stitches instead of staples you are more liable to pop open. That is what prolongs recovery in second c sections. And all of that has happened to me.

jjhp2018 · January 2012

cswatch:

I think it's a little much to ask her to change her wedding date, but at the same time, I don't think you should be expected to travel out of your country with a LO who you mentioned probably won't have the necessary vaccinations by that time.

This. I would try my best to get everything in order but have her aware in may not work out the way she is wanting.

RA1109 · January 2012

I wouldn't tell her to move the date, I'd tell her I couldn't make it and let her make the decision. I wouldn't bring a 6 week old on a plane unless absolutely necessary, I missed a close family member's funeral 2 days ago because my baby is only 6 weeks old. I was sad about it but it's not worth it to harm my baby, especially not an international flight. It's not true that your baby would have to touch something on a plane...plane sickness is airborn because the air is continuously pumped through the ac ducts, so you wouldn't even have to be close to a sick person to get sick. And leaving the baby at home is not optional to me either, my baby won't take a bottle and I'm not going to starve him because of a trip.

jb2rn · January 2012

I would not ask her to change her date, but if I was your sister, I would also not ask you to be the MOH.

I personally would never leave my baby at that age, breastfeeding or not. I can't imagine leaving my son for more than a few hours with anyone right now (I am EBF).

Do your best but tell her now that you run the risk of maybe not being there.

jolis_petits_bijoux · January 2012

RA1109:
I wouldn't tell her to move the date, I'd tell her I couldn't make it and let her make the decision. I wouldn't bring a 6 week old on a plane unless absolutely necessary, I missed a close family member's funeral 2 days ago because my baby is only 6 weeks old. I was sad about it but it's not worth it to harm my baby, especially not an international flight. It's not true that your baby would have to touch something on a plane...plane sickness is airborn because the air is continuously pumped through the ac ducts, so you wouldn't even have to be close to a sick person to get sick. And leaving the baby at home is not optional to me either, my baby won't take a bottle and I'm not going to starve him because of a trip.

Yep. DH's brother got married 2 weeks after Logan was born, DH was the best man. I had a tough recovery with my C/S and it was difficult for us to travel for the wedding. Granted, it was just a 5 hour drive, not an international flight, but it was too soon after the birth/C/S to travel.

We told them that it was possible that we wouldn't be able to make it and they decided not to change the date. I wasn't feeling well but I felt guilty, so we went.

For this baby? If anyone invites us to any type of event within a week or two before, or two months after my due date, we will flat out tell them that we are not coming. I don't care if it's immediate family. It's difficult, C/S recovery is tough, and I don't want to expose my newborn to large crowds.

I wouldn't tell her to move the date, but I would make it very plain that it is impossible to guarantee that you can be there. You never know when you're going to feel well after major abdominal surgery. Also, that's a lot of travel for a newborn, I'd probably want to leave the baby at home.

She will understand, and if she doesn't now, she will when she has kids.

cottonlily84 · January 2012

I wouldn't ask her to change her date because that's just something she needs to decide. However, by her asking you to be her only attendant that soon after a baby is born I think she should show a little consideration to you. I certainly wouldn't want the burden of 2 kids, one being a newborn, recovering from a c/s and travelling out of the country for a wedding. If you're her only attendant will you also be responsible for showers and the usual maid of honor duties? DD will be 9 months old when I'm a bridesmaid in SIL's wedding and she asked me numerous times if I felt comfortable with doing even that. I mean I'm going to have to work hard just to fit back in a dress by then! Personally I would politely decline if I didn't feel up to it; sometimes timing just doesn't work out. If you don't want to let her down I would tell her you will do the best you can but please realize the other responsibilites you will already have with the new LO. She shouldn't be upset with you. Afterall she can plan a wedding around your due date; you can't work the other way around.

skio · February 2012

RA1109:
I wouldn't tell her to move the date, I'd tell her I couldn't make it and let her make the decision.

Ditto. There's just no way I would even try to go. I wouldn't ask anyone to change their ideal wedding date for me, but I wouldn't go to a wedding overseas with a 6 week old, either. I'd tell my sister this and let the rest of the decisions be hers.

I see that some responders have said they were fine to travel at 6w pp, but my recovery sucked major ass and I was not fit to go anywhere at 6w. Also, this is totally about comfort level, but I also would not be taking a 6 week old on an international flight. Nothing could make me do it. I'd sooner pump like a maniac and leave LO with DH for a night while I flew there and flew back immediately. But I also am not cool with leaving my tiny infant at home, so I just wouldn't do it.

I'd decline the MOH request and tell sis I'm honored but can't accept. If you're okay with taking LO on the flight, you get the passport in time, AND you happen to feel fantastic, book a last-minute flight and go to your sister's wedding. But that's all I'd commit to, personally.

juliane2004 · February 2012

IMO, traveling with a 6-8 week old is the best time to travel, as they sleep allllll the time. The only thing would be the passport, so like PP said, get on that ASAP.

whirlybird27 · February 2012

AnnaFleming:
Just a clarification: She is CONSIDERING this date. Nothing has been booked yet. This is the date she wants.

So she doesn't even know if she can get the place/experience she wants on or near that date? When we planned our wedding it ended up being two weeks after our 'original' date because the place we liked was already booked. Can she nail down a bit more detail before she starts giving a specific date? It would really stink to buy your ticket etc and then find out she had to change it...

Please vote: Am I being unreasonable?

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