Houseguest Visitors Helpful or Not? HELP!!

lindseypraino · February 2012

I will be 39 weeks tomorrow. In two weeks or less baby will be here. My family is 4 hours away and they of course want to be here and visit the baby when he is born. My mom and dad will be coming right out. My cousin who is like a sister offered to come and help when the baby is born which I was very excited about initially. Now she wants to bring her boyfriend the weekend of March 9. She said they can watch the baby while I sleep. They are serious and live together. She is 25 and no kids. He is 32 with a 2 year child from a previous marriage. She wants to come that specific weekend because her boyfrends child will be with his mother that weekend. I don't really want him to come. I am not sure when or how I will deliver or what kind of shape I will be in after the birth. I don't really want him around when I am exhausted and trying to breastfeed. I feel like we will need to entertain if he comes and may not be in the best mental state. Am I wrong in my feelings? It is a long way for her to drive by herself. Maybe having him here for a weekend would be as bad I think. I just don't think they will be as helpful as she thinks. Basically I texted her that we could play it by ear depending when the baby delivers and what shape we are in. HELP!!! What would you do?

stephaniegwynne · February 2012

In the first weeks, there is not much she can do to help especially if you are BF. You're LO will be attached to the boob what feels like all day. I had my mom here but that is different than your cousin's boyfriend. And I couldn't really nap while someone else is taking care of the baby, I would sleep while LO was sleeping. I didn't need anyone to hold the baby, I could do that myself. Now, if they want to clean your kitchen and cook dinner for you then that is most helpful. If they do come then make sure you delegate!

natalie_wn@yahoo.com · February 2012

stephaniegwynne:
In the first weeks, there is not much she can do to help especially if you are BF. You're LO will be attached to the boob what feels like all day. I had my mom here but that is different than your cousin's boyfriend. And I couldn't really nap while someone else is taking care of the baby, I would sleep while LO was sleeping. I didn't need anyone to hold the baby, I could do that myself. Now, if they want to clean your kitchen and cook dinner for you then that is most helpful. If they do come then make sure you delegate!

I agree with this. I would probably feel uncomfortable having her BF around as well. In the first days, you will be getting used to breastfeeding and might even prefer to go au natural so you are more comfortable - having an extra male (or even female) around the house might make you uncomfortable. If they do come, I would make a list of things they can do to help - laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. This isn't social time just yet, you and the baby are getting into a routine and you'd hate to mess it up. I would be honest with her about how you feel with him coming and tell her flat out you aren't comfortable with him coming. Perhaps in a few months, but not right away.

halo_tx · February 2012

I would not have been OK with having my cousin's BF around that soon after having LO. As PP have said, if you are BFing there is only so much anyone else can realistically do. For me, BFing was hard enough in the beginning without having extra people in my house to make me uncomfortable (I pretty much had to take my entire top off in the early days to get DD to latch). My mom and dad came and stayed with us the first week, but my dad would leave the room and go do some work while I was nursing. They also did all the cooking, cleaning, etc. and I didn't feel the need to entertain them. Also, depending on how your delivery goes, you might still be in some pain- I was so sore and sitting on ice packs the first week due to tearing- not exactly something I wanted anyone but family to see. You need to put your needs first here- if you don't want her and her BF to visit, just tell her that you think a lot of visitors might be overwhelming at first and you would enjoy her visit more later on.

susie2242 · February 2012

I agree, the only help she can provide is to help around the house. She is clueless if she thinks bringing her BF to visit so she can 'hold the baby' while you sleep is helping. It doesn't work that way.

k3montel · February 2012

My son is a week old, and I can tell you that having people "hold the baby" is NOT helpful. If she wants to come do your dishes and make you dinner, hat would be helpful. Then, I think it would be fine if the BF was there...however, if she wants to hold the baby while you sleep, that won't help. For me, I can't sleep if someone other than DH is holding him, not because I don't trust them, just bc I'm a new mom. I would say no now that I've been in the situation.

December192009 · February 2012

If it were me, it would be a definite no. Those first few weeks after baby arrives are so stressful, and the last thing I would want is anyone other than our parents there and for a limited time only. When my children were born I needed a second hand for laundry, dishes, cooking, and quick errands. It was hard too, because you want to let everyone coo over the baby, but with my first child I ended up having grandmas hold him all day while I did all of the things they came over to do for me. I just think its very inappropriate for her to bring her bf along- not only because I just think it's weird, but also because it does imposition you - who wouldn't feel like it was necessary to entertain a houseguest. I would say we'd love for YOU to come and see the baby, but so far as overnight help with your bf- thanks, but no thanks.

Mrs_Est11.11.06 · February 2012

I agree with the PP, and I am talking 1st hand, MIL and SIL is here for 2weeks [they live out of state] and have been since Wednesday [God help me] all they want to do is hold DS and not clean or cook and when they are not trying to hold him they are watching tv, sleeping and eating us out of house and home.

Last night I cried myself to sleep I am miserable.

DH is back at work so I have to entertain them, for the next 9days Crying

SIL, pissed me off when she picked up DS without asking and didn't support his head. She is not well and on seizure medication and I do not feel DS is safe around her. I was very firm and made it very clear she is not to touch him unless DH and/or I are there with her and she will sit and hold him. We even lock our room at night.

I am still on restriction and cant drive myself anywhere so I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Today was a bad day I need my pain meds cramping has been very painful and well I cant take them until DH gets home from work b/c everyone is sleeping and if I take them now I will sleep and possible not hear DS when he wakes up.

[sorry to vent on your post guess this is just a very sore subject] To sum up my advise if you have any doubts SPEAK UP NOW! Don't be miserable like me.

HTH

Beth

lindseypraino · February 2012

Thanks for all the advice and affirming my thoughts about houseguests. This is my first so I don't know what to expect. Either people are helpful or they are not coming!!! My cousin's bf is a definite "no". We have been kinda disappointed with immature behavior during the last two visits where I shopped, cooked, cleaned and did everything. The first visit they got into a squabble at our cottage. The second visit at our house he supposedly got sick when we were supposed to go out to dinner. I cooked the first night. The second night we went to a Japanese hibiachi restaurant where we sat with other people. He constantly moaned about how sick he was and the "bile in his throat". He didn't order a meal but did he off my cousin's plate.I wanted to strangle him because we offered to just cancel the reservation or he could have stayed back at our house like a mature adult. I also wondered if he ran out of money after we went wine tasting.

Beth I feel so bad for you. My Italian temper probably would have got the better of me and they would have probably got an earful by now. Tell them to get off their ass and help or go to a hotel.

lissag24 · February 2012

I'm not even allowing my inlaws to come visit until I'm ready for them. But we don't have a great relationship. I think you have to tell her that you don't want him to come or they will have to stay somewhere else if they both come. Just my thoughts

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