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Single Parents
ldoo
member
How traumatic is divorce for kids?
ldoo
member
My kids are 3.5 and almost 2. I swear if I didn't have them, I'd have left already. I feel like the most selfish person in the entire world to leave for just my own happiness. Hubby isn't abusive. He used to be verbally abusive, yelling ALL the time, but he's stopped and I think he really will stay that way. He will do anything to keep me.
There are many issues, and I could keep trying and keep trying, but I know in my heart it won't work (we are trying therapy, though).
I'm scared about what divorce and having to go back and forth would do to my girls. I could definitely stay in the marriage for them. But, how much unhappiness do I have to endure before I put myself first.
Is it ever OK to put myself first when I'm a mother?
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Re: How traumatic is divorce for kids?
This. You'll end up harboring resentment in the end and your children will sense this. You are better off leaving if it will make you happy in the end. At this point they are still young.
Heck yeah, it's ok to put yourself first when you are a mother.
In the words of Dr. Phil, it's better to be FROM a broken home than living IN one.
DD2 11.17.08
Lurker sneaking in.....
My parents divorced when I was two and I have no memory of it at all. I am sure I cried and did the "I miss mommy, I miss daddy" thing but it quickly became the norm. IMO if you know in your heart it won't work it is better to do now before they get to the age when they will know what is going on and remember it. My mom has a lot of undeserved guilt around her divorce and us not being a "family". It drives me crazy because I didn't feel like I missed anything or something was wrong with my family just because they lived in two different homes. I still had two loving parents. Best wishes!
I left my ex when DD was 6 months old. I knew things were not going to change and decided that I would rather DD never know us together but remember us apart and happy than remember us together and miserable.
It is a super hard decision, but a happy mom equals happy kids. Don't underestimate how perceptive kids are.
Thank you, and thank you to everyone else who commented. I need to hear these things. We're not in a bad, angry home anymore, but it's true that I'm very unhappy and likely always will be. I would so prefer to do this when they're young. Also, it's good to hear the opinions about how staying together could make your kids feel guilty. I never thought of that, but it's true. My mom stayed with my dad far longer than she should have. I don't feel guilty, necessarily, but I feel bad for her that she couldn't live her life like she wanted.
Thank you so much for posting this! I struggle with guilt because I feel that my DD has been cheated because she doesn't have the "traditional" family life that I feel she deserves. So, it's great to hear a child's perspective who knows nothing different, that I have no reason to feel guilty.
ETA: I saw a counselor for almost 8 months who repeatedly assured me that DD would be fine because she knows nothing different, and because I provide a very stable and loving home for her. I felt like she was saying these things to make me feel better. It seems to mean more coming from a kid who's been there.
I'm also so glad you posted this. My parents divorced when I was 16 and it was honestly traumatizing. However, I firmly believe that it would have been easier to get over if my parents had handled it better. They fought bitterly and involved my sister and me in their back and forth. So not only was I mourning the loss of my family, but having to feel like the go between.
Your Lo's are young and won't know anything different as PP said. I am just realizing that H is never going to stop being an addict or change. I've been sticking it out for financial reasons and for my son, but I'm learning that it's just a matter of time for us.
I'm also so glad you posted this. My parents divorced when I was 16 and it was honestly traumatizing. However, I firmly believe that it would have been easier to get over if my parents had handled it better. They fought bitterly and involved my sister and me in their back and forth. So not only was I mourning the loss of my family, but having to feel like the go between.
Your Lo's are young and won't know anything different as PP said. I am just realizing that H is never going to stop being an addict or change. I've been sticking it out for financial reasons and for my son, but I'm learning that it's just a matter of time for us.
^^ This touches on what I was going to say.
Staying together for the kids and continuing to fight and be miserable is going to have far more negative an impact than getting away where you can be healthy and concentrate on giving them a stable upbringing.
As for what the poster above me said: In my observation, getting divorced when they are teens or adults is far more traumatic than when they are small and can adapt and adjust more easily.