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Attachment Parenting
aerotigergirl
member
Is 9 months too young for "sharing"?
aerotigergirl
member
I've noticed my DS (nearly 9 months) taking toys from other children at daycare and at playdates. My instinct tells me that he's still too young to understand that taking toys out of other babies' hands isn't nice, but perhaps I'm wrong.
I know that he understands certain things. For example, yesterday, when I was home with him, he was crawling toward the cord for a lamp. I said his name, then I said "no." (I try not to over-use this word, but if what he's about to do will physically harm him, I use it.) He stopped and looked at me, then looked back at the cord. When he started toward it again, I did the same thing, and he responded the same way. Eventually, he abandoned the cord and moved on to doing something else. So, he seems to understand that "no" means I don't want you to do that.
So, my question is: Is he too young to understand any of this, or am I being naive? When is it appropriate to start teaching sharing? Does every kid at his age do this, or do I have "that kid" in the class? I don't want to be a lazy parent and simply ignore his behavior if he's able to understand now, but I also don't want to hover over him and reprimand him if he's still way too young to understand.
***I should add, my feelings about this issue are most likely skewed by the fact that my DS has always been large for his age and has developed his gross motor skills very quickly. So, while he's only nearly 9 months, he walks and looks (physically) older than he is. It's possible that, because he looks/acts older than his age, I feel badly when he behaves in an age-appropriate way.
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Re: Is 9 months too young for "sharing"?
My baby is definitely snatching toys and crawling on the other babies his age.
They do it back to him.
As long as no one is upset, I try to just let thing happen. If he's getting too rough (poking eye, pulling hair), then I pull him away and say "gentle" (same thing as when we pet the cat or when he pulls my hair). If it's just toys, I don't get involved unless the other baby gets mad. And then it's more an exercise in redirection than learning about sharing at this point.
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Yes, way too young. From what I've read, around age 2 is when the ability to share starts to develop. You can definitely talk with him about it and model it (saying "Mommy is sharing her cracker with DS" and giving him part of it) starting now, but you shouldn't expect him to understand or be able to share on his own at this point. I think you can pretty much let him take the toy (and let other babies take toys from him) unless an issue develops.
ETA: They also don't really understand the concept of "no" at this age. He's probably reacting more to the tone of your voice when you say it, which sounds like it worked. It also helps to physically move him and redirect him to something else to grab/play with.
This exactly. I don't interfere with LO's group play unless someone is upset or someone is getting hurt.
I think kids start to understand sharing about the time the desire to play with instead of alongside develops. I think of that as around 3, but I think at age 2 emotions and agression can really come out, so play may need additional coaching at that age.
More Green For Less Green
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
Not all kids reciprocally snatch toys away from each other. I would be inclined to model giving the toy back to the other baby, and then distracting your LO with something else.
OK. Thanks for all of your responses.
When I've noticed this behavior recently, I have tried to avoid stepping in, unless like you all said, the other child is getting upset. And when I have stepped in, I've just tried to re-direct DS to a different toy/activity. So I guess I'm handling it alright so far.
I think a big reason that I have been worried is that I'm afraid other moms (at playdates, etc) will see DS taking a toy away from their child, then they'll be thinking "why doesn't she DO something about that?" Like I said before, maybe this is only a concern because everyone always seems so surprised to learn that DS isn't even 9 months old yet. If other moms think he's much older than he actually is, they're more likely to judge his behavior as rude and inappropriate.
But, whatever. I guess they can judge away. It sounds like we're handling his play appropriately at this stage. Thank you all for the reassurance!
What I do is I address the other parent. I vary what I say based on if my child or theirs initiates the "contact".
If their LO takes a toy from DS and they react, I say,"Eh, if DS isn't upset by it, it really doesn't bother me if ____(other child)___ plays with the toy. DS is really good at letting me know if he needs help. Unless he does, I figure the kids can work it out themselves."
If my DS takes a toy from another child, I say something to the other parent to the effect of, "Sorry about that. Would you like me to give the toy back to your child?" Usually parents tell me it is fine if their child is happy or the toy isn't some sort of special lovey.
More Green For Less Green
Yeah, it's different in that setting. Mostly, I don't want my little kleptomaniac bringing other kid's toys home by accident. Most of the time, we're playing in someone's home (so all the toys belong to them), our home, or neutral territory like church. If he takes something that isn't his and isn't meant to be shared by the kid's parents, it's different.
And personally, I don't think it's rude to drop a child's age in conversation to explain behaviour. I've known some really big toddlers, and it's not fair to have 2-3 year old expectations on an 18 month old just because he's big. It helps everyone relax a bit if you know where a kid is at.
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